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Newo
~ Abstract Brain ~
Spain
2674 Posts |
 Posted - 01/15/2005 : 07:50:40
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Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
--
If there´s pole planted in your back then you´re a fixture. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/17/2005 : 05:46:26
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>>A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for
>>a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The
>>young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The
>>manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
>>
>>His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got
>>through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down
>>and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie
>>said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales
>>people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
>>"£101,237.64." The Aussie replied.
>>
>>The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did
>>you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a
>>medium fish hook, and then ,I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I
>>asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,
>>so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat
>>department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.Then he said
>>he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down
>>to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
>>
>>The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came
>>in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No no
>>no.......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
>>said.........'Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well
>>go fishing."
http://www.thefutureheads.co.uk/ |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/19/2005 : 15:46:16
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Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for
any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
http://www.thefutureheads.co.uk/ |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2005 : 03:41:09
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A man has just moved into a new house when the guy from next door calls around. ‘I was just wondering if you’d like to come to a party at mine tonight,’ he says, ‘there’ll be lots of drinking, fighting and f*cking.’
‘Oh, sure. What should I wear?’
‘Anything you want. It’ll just be you and me.”
Love, love, my season |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2005 : 03:49:53
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where on earth are you getting these from Mikey?
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2005 : 04:24:11
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That one was from NME.com. Apparantly The Killers had to stop their set the other night in Glasgow 'cos someone threw a pint over their keyboard so they had to dry it out. But the drummer came back on stage and told that joke.
Love, love, my season |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2005 : 04:26:18
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Im really digging the killers at the moment. good band. very cool. and they tell jokes too!
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2005 : 04:31:38
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Yeah I am going to see them on Friday with The Kaiser Chiefs, Bloc Party and The Futureheads. Can't wait.
Love, love, my season |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2005 : 04:36:08
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oh excellent line up, let me know how it goes!
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2005 : 17:53:07
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quote:
That one was from NME.com. Apparantly The Killers had to stop their set the other night in Glasgow 'cos someone threw a pint over their keyboard so they had to dry it out. But the drummer came back on stage and told that joke.
What is it with drummers and bad jokes during technical difficulties?
"Reunion? Shit union!" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2005 : 18:17:44
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A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
Love, love, my season |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 03/21/2005 : 07:51:17
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Mike walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.
He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine.
"Honey," says Mike, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available."
"Mike," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."
"Shut up," says Mike. "I wasn't talking to you."
Denis
"I believe in your perfect face..." |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/21/2005 : 10:54:47
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Hehehe, I like that one Denis. Very good.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!!
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 02:51:18
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a blonde walks into a bar.
 You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 02:51:58
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two blondes walk into a bar......you'd think one of them would have seen it.
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 02:55:43
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Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 02:58:04
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A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 03:25:45
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
Hehehe, I like that one Denis. Very good.
The guy's name was Fred in the original joke, I hope you don't mind me changing it.
Denis
"I believe in your perfect face..." |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 11:00:44
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Not at all Denis, I thought you had. Jon, that was a quality joke.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!!
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The Marsist
= Cult of Ray =
Ireland
730 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 11:28:38
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two gypsies get into a fight and literally kill each other.who wins????
society
A day is really two days |
Edited by - The Marsist on 03/22/2005 11:30:19 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 11:39:02
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of
home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!!
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 15:43:34
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 15:53:17
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| Man and dog go into pub. Man claims dog can talk. Barman says if that dog can talk I'll give free beers for the rest of the night. The man asks the dog "What is the top of a house called?" The dog says "wooof." The man then asks "What is the long grass on a golf course called?" The dog says "Ruff" The barman tells them to get out before he throws them out. The man and dog are then walking down the street and the man turns to the dog and says"You're looking a bit down old fella, Whats wrong?" The dog looks up at him with sad eyes and says "Which one of those did I get wrong?" |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 16:02:31
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A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 16:03:55
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| roffle, that's wrong. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2005 : 16:38:49
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Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2005 : 13:18:49
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Good stuff guys.
Another bad one.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film
for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!!
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2005 : 14:39:22
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an easter joke to offend everyone:
Q: what's the worst way to spend easter?
A:
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2005 : 14:40:42
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or the obligatory:
"jesus walks into the inn carrying three nails and says 'can you put me up for the night'"?
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2005 : 01:57:55
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!!
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 04/18/2005 : 09:27:07
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A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
The pigmy said: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."
Denis
Let's go get sushi and not pay! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 04/18/2005 : 14:05:20
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Hahaha, brilliant! Oh that has cheered me up again. Thanks Denis.
I joined the secret forum, and all I got was this lousy secret
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2005 : 09:05:31
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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So, the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So, every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm having sex with her." The boss says, "You have sex with your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
Denis
Let's go get sushi and not pay! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2005 : 13:01:05
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| ouch! that was sick. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2005 : 16:21:44
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
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JOKES!!!
