| Author |
 Topic  |
|
PsychicTwin
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1772 Posts |
 Posted - 10/05/2004 : 17:08:47
|
| and you all thought the welder joke was bad |
 |
|
|
Hatchetman
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
234 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 06:57:30
|
quote:
Originally posted by soundofataris
Q-What's the second worse thing about having sex with a three year old?
A-Getting blood on your clown suit.
Q-What's the worst thing about having sex with a three year old?
A-Hearing the pelvis snap.
This isn't funny.
Ade
As the air conditioner hummed.... |
|
|
|
ShakeyShake
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1058 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 07:49:03
|
Pedophille jokes all the way!
What's pink and goes up and down in a baby's crib?
The babysitters arse
"I joined the Cult of this guy / 'cause they took my other picture away |
|
|
|
PsychicTwin
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1772 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 07:55:14
|
!!!
Now that one I just don't really get...
What, is the babysitter 'riding' a baby in its crib? Very weird mental image |
|
|
|
ShakeyShake
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1058 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 07:57:16
|
...having lots of fun I would imagine
"I joined the Cult of this guy / 'cause they took my other picture away |
|
|
|
soundofataris
= Cult of Ray =
USA
715 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 08:01:28
|
quote:
Originally posted by Hatchetman
quote:
Originally posted by soundofataris
Q-What's the second worse thing about having sex with a three year old?
A-Getting blood on your clown suit.
Q-What's the worst thing about having sex with a three year old?
A-Hearing the pelvis snap.
This isn't funny.
Ade
As the air conditioner hummed....
of course it isn't funny. That's what makes it funny. |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 08:41:41
|
Pixies joke for you all.
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairies skirt, then he's a goblin.
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
Coldheartofstone
* Dog in the Sand *
Canada
2025 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 08:50:51
|
This is great.
Take a look at some of these actual courtroom exchanges that
were taken out of a book called Disorder in the American courts and
published by court reporters.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.
And what the hell have I learned? |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 09:36:31
|
Yeah I have had that by email before. Some of it is priceless.
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 18:05:46
|
quote:
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Maybe this lawyer was just concerned with the rights of hermaphrodites and shemales.
"Signature quotes are so lame." --Nathan |
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 08:18:01
|
Not a joke but a story that I found really funny. It's supposed to be true but I don't have the sources.
<<(England) - A man went into the hospital with "I love women" tattooed on his leg, but when he came out it read, "I love men." The unlucky patient is now too embarrassed to wear shorts after the tattoo was accidentally altered during surgery. The man had gone for a heart bypass operation. Surgeons had to take out part of the large vein in his leg to replace a section of blocked artery in his chest. But when doctors sewed up the leg, they removed the first two letters of the word "women." Leeds General Infirmary said, "Part of the tattoo was accidentally erased." The British Medical Journal published a picture of the man to warn doctors to be careful when operating on tattooed skin.>>
Denis
"I do feel sorry for people who don't collect records and obsess about music. Why? Because collecting, consuming and obsessing over music and records is very interesting. That's why." - Johan Kugelberg
|
|
|
|
ShakeyShake
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1058 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 08:41:45
|
quote:
Maybe this lawyer was just concerned with the rights of hermaphrodites and shemales.
"Signature quotes are so lame." --Nathan
You totally just inspired my new signature
Shemales have rights too... |
Edited by - ShakeyShake on 10/07/2004 08:42:20 |
|
|
|
Newo
~ Abstract Brain ~
Spain
2674 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 08:56:12
|
Dr. Heisenberg is driving along the motorway gets stopped by the police. Cops sez Are you aware of how fast you were going? and Heisenberg sez No but I know where I am.
--
Jódete, tío,
Que se joda tu hermana,
Que se joda tu hermano,
Que se joda tu madre,
Que se joda tu tía,
¡Porque soy policia!
Que se jodas, currante,
Que se joda tu perro,
Que se joda tu hijo,
Que se joda tu amante,
No me pidas razónes,
Soy el Hombre ¡cojones! |
|
|
|
apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 09:56:33
|
hehe, nice.
Q. Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?
A. Because he couldn't resistor...
Why are scientists no good at telling jokes timing
A man’s driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every red light, the truck-driver gets out of his cab, runs back and bangs on the truck door. After seeing this at several sets of lights in a row, the car driver follows him until he pulls into a parking lot. When they’ve both come to a stop the truck driver once again jumps out, runs to the back and starts banging on the truck door.
The motorist goes up to him and says, "I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the truck-driver replies, "Sorry mate, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times." |
Edited by - apl4eris on 10/07/2004 10:02:28 |
|
|
|
KimStanleyRobinson
* Dog in the Sand *
1972 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 10:32:39
|
ok, old geek electronics joke, for apl...
The Sex Life of an Electron
by Eddy Current
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try and get a cute little joule to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across Wheatstone Bridge around by the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by the characteristic curves of Millie, soon had his resistance at a minimum, and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her socket, connecting them in series, and began to short circuit her shunt. However, he forgot one basic rule: never flux without a weber!!
Fully excited, Millie Amp said, "Mho, Mho, give me Mho !" With his tube operating at maximum peak and her coil vibrating from the current flow, she soon reached her breakdown voltage. The excess current flow had gotten her so hot that Micro Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron.
They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strenght. Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self induction, and damaged her solenoid. With his battery fully drained, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.
WATT A NIGHT ! ! !
and she said "What? In these shoes?! No, lets do it here." |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2004 : 04:14:50
|
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He
managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to
be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went
over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field
once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of
sherry and a Christmas pudding.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously
hampered
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2004 : 05:46:20
|
WTF?
Denis
"I believe in your perfect face..." |
|
|
|
jediroller
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1718 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2004 : 05:57:33
|
"Hamper" = "panier garni".
Mauvais jeu de mots.
Pack all my shit, get on a plane
Follow the sunset for 24 hours |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2004 : 05:57:42
|
Hehe. you French!
Here's another.
>> > >> > > A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of
>> > >> > > golf.....Of
>> > >>course,
>> > >> > > the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
>> > >> > > window
>>of
>> > >> > > the biggest house adjacent to the course.
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll
>> > >> > > have
>>to
>> > >>go
>> > >> > > up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your
>> > >> > > lousy
>> > >>drive
>> > >> > > is going to cost us."
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
>> > >> > > door. A
>>warm
>> > >> > > voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw
>> > >> > > the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and
>> > >> > > a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken
window.
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
>>broke
>> > >>my
>> > >> > > window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the
>>husband
>> > >> > > replied.
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
>> > >> > > You
>>see,
>> > >> > > I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
>> > >> > > thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to
>> > >> > > grant three
>> > >>wishes.
>> > >> > > I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll
>> > >> > > keep
>>the
>> > >>last
>> > >> > > one for myself."
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment
>> > >> > > and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the
>> > >> > > rest of
>>my
>> > >> > > life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's
>> > >> > > the
>>least
>> > >>I
>> > >> > > can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
>>"I'd
>> > >> > > like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
>>country
>> > >>in
>> > >> > > the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said.
>> > >> > > "And
>>your
>> > >> > > homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
>> > >>disasters!"
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish,
>>genie?"
>> > >> > > "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
>> > >> > > been
>>with
>> > >>a
>> > >> > > woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
>> > >> > > with
>> > >>your
>> > >> > > wife."
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you
>> > >> > > know
>>we
>> > >>both
>> > >> > > now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
>> > >> > > you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I
>> > >> > > wouldn't mind,
>>but
>> > >>what
>> > >> > > about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said
>> > >> > > the
>> > >>husband.
>> > >> > > "I'd do the same for you!"
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent
>> > >> > > the
>>rest
>> > >>of
>> > >> > > the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled
>> > >> > > over
>>and
>> > >> > > looked directly into her eyes and asked
>> > >> > >
>> > >> > > "How old are you and your husband?"
>> > >> > > "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
>> > >> > > "No Kidding. Thirty-five years old and both of you still
>> > >> > > believe
>>in
>> > >> > > genies?"
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2005 : 16:36:22
|
A man boarded an aircraft at London's HeathrowAirport, and taking his
> > seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the
> > plane.
> >
> > He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she
took
> > the seat right beside him.
> >
> > Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
> > vacation?"
> >
> > She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
> >
> > annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
> >
> > He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
> >
> > sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
> >
> > Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
> > business
> > role at this convention?"
> >
> > "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
> >
> > popular myths about sexuality."
> >
> > "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
> >
> > "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
> >
> > are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
> >
> > Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
is
> > that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
>Greek
> > descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
> > categories are the Irish."
> >
> > Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
> >
> > "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with
> >
> > you,I don't even know your name!"
> >
> > "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
>Paddy."
> >
"All music if folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
Louis Armstrong |
|
|
|
Broken Face
-= Forum Pistolero =-
USA
5155 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2005 : 16:41:34
|
why did ron artest leave the basketball game early?
he wanted to beat the crowd
ba doom ching!
-Brian
If you move I shoots!
|
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2005 : 16:43:50
|
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must
be sh*tting herself.
"All music if folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
Louis Armstrong |
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2005 : 06:14:04
|
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!". Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Denis
"I believe in your perfect face..." |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2005 : 12:55:13
|
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard,
but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.
"All music if folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
Louis Armstrong |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2005 : 13:05:18
|
Some more Comedian's lines.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
>She
> > said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
> > right,
> > but we're not going to get much done."
> > (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)
> >
> > > > I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
> > goat.
> > (Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)
> >
> > > > My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't
>help
> > thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
> > (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
> > (Jimmy Carr)
> >
> > > > I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
>thought
> > the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
> > (Mark Watson, Rhodilbert at the Tron)
> >
> > > > I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. 'You can take
>the girl out of Cork ...'
> > Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)
> >
> > > > Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
> > Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
> > (Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)
> >
> > > > A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job
>please".
> > The
> > hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
>jointhe
> > circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a
> > plumber".
> > (Steven Alan Green at C34)
Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a
>big
> > sign
> > that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a
>try...What a
> > rip
> > off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
> > (Seymour Mace at Café Royal)
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right
>to
> > arm bears.
> > (Chris Addison at the Pleasance)
"All music if folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
Louis Armstrong |
|
|
|
n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2005 : 13:16:02
|
I really like Jimmy Carr, he's been on everything this christmas though
Frank Black ate my hamster |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2005 : 13:39:20
|
So that's good right?
"All music if folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
Louis Armstrong |
|
|
|
Perk
- FB Fan -
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 01/04/2005 : 23:19:56
|
A giraffe walks in to a bar and the bartender says , you look a little hung over.
Don't sweat the petty things
and don't pet the sweaty things |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/05/2005 : 10:50:36
|
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes
to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you. But
you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got three people here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of
them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he
agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard
Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in
and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all
day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony
Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of
rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was
break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw
Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his
arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for
while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to
go!"
"All music if folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
Louis Armstrong |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2005 : 08:22:50
|
A man walks into a pub carrying 3 ducks. He places the ducks on the
>bar and orders a drink. The barman's been around long enough to know it's
>not always a good idea to question the customers so he says nothing and
>pours the man his drink. About an hour later, after a few more pints, the
>man heads off to the toilet leaving the barman alone with the 3 ducks.
>There's an awkward silence so the barman decides to strike up a
>conversation.
>
>He turns to the first duck and says "So, what's your name?" and the
>duck answers "My name's Huey". The barman asks "Have you had a good day
>Huey" and the duck replies "I've had a great day. I've been in and out of
>puddles all day and I've loved every minute of it".
>The barman turns to the second duck and says "So, what's your name?"
>and the duck replies "My name's Lewy". The barman asks "Have you had a
>good day Lewy" and the duck replies "I've had a great day, one of the
best.
>I've been in and out of puddles all day and if I get the chance I'll do
>The same again tomorrow".
>
>The barman turns to the third duck and says "So, I suppose your
>name's Dewy" and the duck replies "No. My name's Puddles, don't even ask
>about the fcuking day I've had!"
I spent a lifespan with no cellmate |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2005 : 10:21:26
|
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Scince this is such a big event , the girl
announces to her boyfrined that after dinner , she would like to go
out and make love for the first time.
Well the boy as you could well imagine is ecstatic, but he has
never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to now about sex and condoms.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he would like to buy, a 3 pack, 10 pack or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack as he thinks he will be rather busy, it
being his first time and all.
That night the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets
his girlfrined at the door. "oh im so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken tro the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. the boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious",
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist"!
I spent a lifespan with no cellmate |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2005 : 10:27:39
|
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver won't
stop
staring at her. She asks him why is he
staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend
you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there is nothing that you could
say
that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."
She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that, you have to
be
single and must be a
catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and a
Catholic!"
"Ok" says the nun, "Pull into the next
alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you
crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied - I must confess, I'm married
and
I'm
Jewish."
The nun replies, "That's okay, my name is Kevin and I'm going to
a
Halloween
party."
I spent a lifespan with no cellmate |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2005 : 08:24:52
|
> I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't
> know what to feed it.
>
> I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.
>
> I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
>
> Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were
> Catholic.
>
> All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me
> happy.
>
> I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
>
> What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
>
> They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.
>
> Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
> and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge
> his car onto a freeway.
>
> Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
>
> Experience is the thing you have left when everything
> else is gone.
>
> What if there were no hypothetical questions?
>
> One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk
> about other people.
>
> When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem
> begins to loo klikeanail.
>
> A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
>
> My weight is perfect for my height.... which varies.
>
> I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
>
> The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
>
> How can there be self-help "groups"?
>
> Is there another word for synonym?
>
> The speed of time is one second per second.
>
> Is it possible to be totally partial?
>
> What's another word for thesaurus?
>
> Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
>
> If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
> explain whales?
>
> Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
> and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
>
> It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
>
>
************************************************************************
> ****
> ***
>
> A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
>
> After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still
a
>
> requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
>
> The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
>
> The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
>
> To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
>
> temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
>
> The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
>
> A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
>
> still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
>
> The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith."
>
> The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
> temptations
>
> of the flesh?
>
> The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
> with
>
> my faith."
>
> The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
> about
>
> five minutes.
>
> Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
I spent a lifespan with no cellmate |
|
|
|
Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2005 : 14:58:37
|
A man got into a taxi, and as they often do, the taxi driver began to chat with him.
"It's my first day driving a taxi," he said. So they continued chatting for a little while, then ran out of conversation.
Eventually, the man tapped the driver on the shoulder to point out some directions, and the driver almost jumped out of his skin.
"Why so nervous?" the man said.
"You remember this was my first day driving a taxi? I just gave up being an undertaker."
And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure and the privilege is mine. |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/12/2005 : 15:18:37
|
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
> two
> > months.
> > Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy
kit.
> >
> > The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
> crying,
> > the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to
know!"
> >
> > The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
> >
> >
> > Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a
mature
> and
> > distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit
> steps
> > out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
> >
> > He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the
> girl and
> > tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem.
> >
> > I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
> take
> > charge.
> >
> > I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of
her
> life.
> >
> >
> > Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores,
a
> > townhouse, a beachfront villa and a GBP2,000,000 bank account.
> >
> >
> > If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
> GBP4,000,000
> > bank account.
> >
> > If twins, they will receive a factory and GBP2,000,000 each.
> >
> >
> > However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
> >
> > At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a
> hand
> > firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >
> > "You shag her again."
I spent a lifespan with no cellmate |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
JOKES!!!
