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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
 Posted - 04/20/2005 : 16:25:32
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DON'T READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED!!!
There was a guy walking in the middle of nowhere and accidently steps into some quicksand. He fought to get out but it just wasn't happening. He was about ankle deep until he saw Spider-man swinging his webs.
The helpless guy called out,"Spider-man! Spider-man! Help me!"
Spider-man said,"I'll help you, but you have to suck my dick."
The man looked at him and said,"No man, I'm not gay. I'm not going to suck your dick."
Spider-man shrugged his shoulders and said,"Fuck you then." and continued swinging his webs.
An hour went by and now the guy is waist deep in the quicksand. He continues to struggle until he saw Batman in his batmobile.
The man called out,"Batman! Batman! Save me!"
Batman parked his car, got out, and walked over to the man and said,"I'll help you, but you have to suck my dick."
The man looked up at Batman and said,"What? No. I'm not going to suck your dick."
Batman said,"Fuck you then." and hops into the batmobile and drives away.
About another hour goes by and the man is now neck deep in the quicksand. He knew for sure he was going to die until he sees Superman flying overhead.
The man calls out,"Superman! Superman! Save me!"
Superman flys down and the man insisted,"Please Superman help me. I'll do anything. I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick."
Superman raises his foot and stomps on the guys head saying,"FAG!"
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
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starmekitten
-= Forum Pistolera =-
United Kingdom
6370 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2005 : 09:37:33
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just recieved via text.
Q. How many children with attention defecit disorder does it take to change a lightbulb
A. Hey, wanna go climb trees?
and from my brother,
Q. Whats brown and half eaten?
A. The popes easter egg
 when there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2005 : 09:42:57
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I love that first one Kitty.
I joined the secret forum, and all I got was this lousy secret
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2005 : 10:30:28
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And I love the second one. Way to go, kitty! Jokes for everyone.
Denis
"His chops are too righteous. The helmets can't handle this level of rock 'n' roll. Karen, do something!" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2005 : 10:31:51
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A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go
to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no
need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume
and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about
an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the
party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her
husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him
go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a
little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the
cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got
into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his
outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she
asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never
have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He
replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
met Pete & Bill and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and
played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing
that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I
gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
I joined the secret forum, and all I got was this lousy secret
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2005 : 16:16:58
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last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted
I rule!
 ... guitar god potion |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2005 : 07:46:13
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| Did you hear about the man who did'nt give answers? |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2005 : 07:47:19
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No.
I joined the secret forum, and all I got was this lousy secret
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2005 : 21:33:49
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| (silence) |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2005 : 02:55:13
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I didn't ask for an answer : P
I joined the secret forum, and all I got was this lousy secret
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2005 : 07:28:56
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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars, trashed their store, and said he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving once and for all that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Denis
I know the god of rock n roll / Yeah I sold him my soul! |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2005 : 18:29:59
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I pissed over the side of a boat and hit a dolphin, but at least I did'nt do it on porpoise!
Knock knock!
Who's There?
Leecher.
Leecher who?
Leecher self in, the doors open!! |
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Surfer Rosa
> Teenager of the Year <
4209 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 01:04:13
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A man gets up one morning to find his wife
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."
The revolution eats its own children |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 01:19:34
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LOL
I love that one, Nic.
Denis
I know the god of rock n roll / Yeah I sold him my soul! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 01:23:19
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A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire!''
 You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 01:42:05
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Q: What is a birth control pill?
A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 02:19:42
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Internet FAQ
Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial "online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer experience -- to provide the online services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean, What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the online service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an online service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Homosexuals, Gay Teens who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. No. You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women.
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geertos
- FB Fan -
Belgium
158 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 04:30:15
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Little Lisa, aged 11, is discovering she's growing a bit of fur at a weird place. Worried, she goes up to her mother, drops her pants and asks: "Look mom, what's all this?"
Her mother answers "Oh Lisa, don't you worry, all girls develop something like that at your age".
To which Lisa replies: "But isn't that a nuisance during sex?" |
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geertos
- FB Fan -
Belgium
158 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 04:38:11
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Johnny's testicles are feeling a bit odd lately, so he goes up to the doctor. The doctor checks on him and says: "well Johnny, I have bad news for you, you've grown a third testicle." Johnny obviously feels a bit awkward about this, so he decides entering a pub and drinking some beers to get over it.
After a couple of beers, he feels the urge to share his problem with the person sitting next to him at the bar. He says to him: "Isn't this something, my good man, here we are, the two of us, having 5 testicles in total."
To which the man replies: "What, you've only got one testicle?" |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 04:55:38
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This is like the worst joke ever. And yet it's funny, cause it says "testicles" 4 times. Good work, geertos.
Denis
I know the god of rock n roll / Yeah I sold him my soul! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 11:11:07
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Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and
son chats. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.
Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know
what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"
Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of
Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know
what I'm getting for Christmas!?"
Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your presents."
I guess floop WAS right!
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/13/2005 : 11:11:37
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Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are eating dinner in a Chinese
Restaurant.
Luke turns to Obi-Wan and says "Ben, I'm having real problems eating with
these chopsticks".
Obi-Wan replies "Luke, use the forks".
I guess floop WAS right!
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2005 : 08:37:39
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Shine, isn't that from a Dave Barry book?
I was all out of luck, like a duck that died. I was all out of juice, like a moose denied. |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2005 : 09:30:55
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are eating dinner in a Chinese
Restaurant.
Luke turns to Obi-Wan and says "Ben, I'm having real problems eating with
these chopsticks".
Obi-Wan replies "Luke, use the forks".
I guess floop WAS right!
And this is sneaked right out the Simpsons!
en el amor se esconden las respuestas |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2005 : 12:22:06
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I could see two or more people coming up with the Force/forks connection independently. It COULD be a Simpsons rip-off, but might not be. Or, for all we know, the Simpsons writers could have stolen an older joke.
I was all out of luck, like a duck that died. I was all out of juice, like a moose denied. |
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Newo
~ Abstract Brain ~
Spain
2674 Posts |
Posted - 05/15/2005 : 04:11:22
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That florist one is brilliant Denis. Hereīs a load more Feghoots http://www.awpi.com/Combs/Shaggy/048.html
--
"Here love," brakes on a high squeak, "itīs not backstage at the old Windmill or something, you know." |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2005 : 06:52:55
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quote:
Originally posted by Cheeseman1000
quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are eating dinner in a Chinese
Restaurant.
Luke turns to Obi-Wan and says "Ben, I'm having real problems eating with
these chopsticks".
Obi-Wan replies "Luke, use the forks".
I guess floop WAS right!
And this is sneaked right out the Simpsons!
en el amor se esconden las respuestas
I have no idea, I got it in an email. I do seem to remember it from The Simpsons though.
I guess floop WAS right!
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2005 : 09:49:26
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The episode in question was "Mayored to the Mob," guest starring Mark Hamill.
Pepper steak IS the entree.
I was all out of luck, like a duck that died. I was all out of juice, like a moose denied. |
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glowbug
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
26 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2005 : 14:19:13
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
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Doog
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1220 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2005 : 15:38:04
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 "Join the cult of Ray/He was the best Ghostbuster"
www.myspace.com/doog - www.doog.tk |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2005 : 07:01:12
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Both very good.
Kiki's sounds like it's based on that tale from bible.
I guess floop WAS right!
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2005 : 05:20:10
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> >>IF YOU HAVE EVER WONDERED WHY MEN LIE..
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
> >>river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
> >>appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that
> >>his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his
> >>living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden
> >>axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> >>The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with
>a
> >>silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter
> >>replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
>"Is
> >>this your axe?" the Lord asked. "Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased
> >>with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the
> >>woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking
> >>with
> >>his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he
> >>cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
> >>"Oh
> >>Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the
> >>water
> >>and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
> >>"Yes,"
> >>cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
> >>untruth!"
> >>The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is
>a
> >>misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You
>would
> >>have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her,
> >>you
> >>would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
> >>given
> >>me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of
>all
> >>three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me
> >>with
> >>anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
> >>honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>That's our story, and we're sticking to it..
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>THE GUYS.
I guess floop WAS right!
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2005 : 21:31:23
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
They hav'nt told me yet!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, it just did. It's just a chicken wandering around the place.
My dog's got no nose.
How does it smell?
It can't. But if you mean it's body odour, not too bad. I gave it a bath today. I've smelt worse dogs. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2005 : 06:23:07
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Doug was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
Oh let it linger