| Author |
 Topic  |
|
shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
 Posted - 08/12/2004 : 10:52:28
|
Q: Why don't Lepers play ice hockey?
A: There's always a face-off in the corner.
 "tk-tk-tka-chk-ch-tk-tttt-whaaa-chk-tk-tk" |
 |
|
|
shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2004 : 10:53:10
|
Q: What did the leper say to the Hooker?
A: Keep the tip!
"tk-tk-tka-chk-ch-tk-tttt-whaaa-chk-tk-tk" |
|
|
|
shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2004 : 10:54:17
|
Q: What did the "Zero" say to the "Eight"?
A: Nice belt!
"tk-tk-tka-chk-ch-tk-tttt-whaaa-chk-tk-tk" |
|
|
|
VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2004 : 14:56:45
|
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
Cattle in Korea / They can really moo. |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/15/2004 : 13:26:36
|
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'"
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2004 : 08:28:53
|
Q: What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded..... |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2004 : 14:41:50
|
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
forgive me."
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
Hatchetman
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
234 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2004 : 15:56:15
|
Did you hear about the dyslexic person who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?
Ade |
|
|
|
Hatchetman
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
234 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2004 : 15:58:28
|
Did you hear about the dyslexic homeless person who choked to death on his own Vimto?
Ade |
Edited by - Hatchetman on 08/16/2004 15:59:01 |
|
|
|
n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 08/17/2004 : 11:41:59
|
or the dyslexic prostitute arrested for hanging out in a warehouse?
 I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
|
|
|
|
darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5454 Posts |
Posted - 08/17/2004 : 13:00:55
|
quote:
Originally posted by Tre
or the dyslexic prostitute arrested for hanging out in a warehouse?
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
Did she think it was a whoreause? |
|
|
|
Hatchetman
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
234 Posts |
Posted - 08/17/2004 : 16:56:45
|
quote:
Originally posted by Tre
or the dyslexic prostitute arrested for hanging out in a warehouse?
Or the Dyslexic Devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa!
Ade |
|
|
|
ShakeyShake
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1058 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2004 : 12:58:40
|
Dug up this topic 'cause I heard a couple today
What has 2 legs and bleeds......?
Half a cat
What has 4 legs and goes "Woof"
A cat covered in petrol
They were funny at the time I swear
"I joined the Cult of this guy / 'cause they took my other picture away |
|
|
|
KimStanleyRobinson
* Dog in the Sand *
1972 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2004 : 15:32:18
|
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five.
One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better they could do if they were up there.
...and the crowd goes MILD... |
|
|
|
KimStanleyRobinson
* Dog in the Sand *
1972 Posts |
Posted - 08/31/2004 : 15:54:17
|
A girl that was singing backup in my band back in college and I walked in and won a small talent contest on campus.
One of the acts before us were these two girls that stood on stage left and right and SIGNED the words to "Wind Beneath My Wings". Yes, they played a recording of the song over the PA and these girls...well, they did the sign language to it. They were not deaf...just extremely cheesy.
We had trouble containing ourselves.
When they were done they walked past us up the aisle of the auditorium and my friend says casually to one of the girls, "Hey -you guys sounded great..." |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2004 : 09:49:55
|
A man has spent many days crossing the Sahara without water. His
>trusty
>horse and camel have both long since died of thirst. Drier than a
>Californian raisin, he is on all fours crawling through the sands
>certain that he has breathed his last.
>
>All of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand 6 feet
>ahead
>of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and
>discovers
>what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie,
>but this is no ordinary genie. He is a dull looking character,
wearing
>an Inland Revenue ID badge and a naff grey suit. There's a calculator
>in
>his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
>
>
>
>
>"Well, kid," drones the monotone genie. "You know how it works. You
>have
>three wishes."
>
>"I'm not falling for that old chestnut," replies the weary man. "I'm
>not
>going to trust a tax inspector!"
>
>"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
>like you're a gonna die anyway!"
>
>Sighing, the man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
>dull genie is right.
>
>"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".
>
>
>
>
>
>
>********** P O O F **********
>
>
>
>
>The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,
>and
>he is surrounded with carafes of vino superior and platters of Marks
&
>Spencer delicacies.
>
>
>
>
>"OK sir, what's your second wish?"
>
>"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>********** P O O F **********
>
>
>
>
>The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests, filled with rare
>gold coins and precious.
>
>"Very well sir, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
>one!"
>
>After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no
matter
>where I go beautiful women will want, and need me."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>********** P O O F **********
>
>
>
>
>He is turned into a tampon.
>
>And the moral of the story? If the Inland Revenue offers you
ANYTHING,
>there must be a string attached.
>
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/16/2004 : 13:20:49
|
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
> > his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on
> > the brakes
> and
> > yells, "Sheila, what the hell
> > d'ya think you're doing?"
> >
> > Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce.
> > Ya
got
> > me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in
> > his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not
> > only are
you
> a
> > great shag, but you're a real sport too." And drives off.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/19/2004 : 13:49:28
|
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
> > bar
> stool
> > and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
> > bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
> >
> > The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
> > voice,
> the
> > woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
> > is
> just
> > fair - giving that you are blind that you
> > should know five things:
> >
> > 1 The bartender is a blonde girl.
> > 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
> > 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
> > karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
> > professional weight lifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde
> > and is a professional wrestler.
> >
> > Now think about it seriously, Mister, do you still wanna tell that
> > joke?
> >
> > The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
> > "Nah.
> Not
> > if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 09/19/2004 : 15:23:31
|
Is this not where Ebb comes in and says stop posting stuff you were forwarded in an email?
What do you call an electric cake?
A current bun
 So, I finally got my X-Wing |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2004 : 10:27:15
|
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he
had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he
wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged
crawler)which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to
have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new
pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then
asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
but again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So
he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He
decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against
the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like
to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fu**ing shoes on."
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2004 : 12:47:18
|
I fucking love the centipede joke. Even if I already knew it, I'm still laughing out loud.
Denis
|
|
|
|
PsychicTwin
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1772 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2004 : 14:05:26
|
| So a baby seal walks into a club... |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2004 : 14:20:36
|
Did he say anything?
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2004 : 14:37:19
|
Erm for some reason, my post saying that I love the thought of animals talking has not appeared. Has it been deleted? Do I know too much? My question above has lost it's humour now.
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
PsychicTwin
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1772 Posts |
Posted - 10/01/2004 : 08:38:35
|
Just remembered a funny, twisted one today...thought I'd share:
A young boy is playing around in a constructions site, as young boys are prone to do, and he comes across a welder's mask. He thinks its really cool, and puts it on. As he's walking home with his new welder's mask on, an old man in a car stops beside him on the side of the road. By now it's close to sundown, and the man offers him a ride. "Its not safe for a kid your age to be walking down the side of the road at sundwon. I'll give you a ride, hop in."
The little boy gets in the car, all the while still wearing his welder's mask. As they're driving along, the man starts asking him some very unusual questions.
"Hey kid, do you know what coitus is?"
The kid looks at him with confusion, and shrugs. There is a pause, and the man continues.
"Hey kid, do you know what fellatio is?"
The kid shrugs again, shaking his head. "Nope."
The man waits for a minute or two, and then asks
"Hey kid, do you know what sodomy is?"
The kid, obviously annoyed and aggravated by this point, tears the welder's mask from his head, and says "Listen man, I'm not really a welder!!" |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2004 : 15:20:28
|
I don't get it and neither does anyone else in the room.
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2004 : 15:27:09
|
Q: What is the difference between a whore house and a preschool?
A: (typically) I don't know
R: You sick bastard!
Floops quesedillas zijn te vergelijken met het likken van fatsige Albert's aars nadat hij een fles laxeermiddel heeft leeggedronken. |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2004 : 15:56:30
|
Now that's better!
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
PsychicTwin
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1772 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2004 : 17:22:58
|
quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
I don't get it and neither does anyone else in the room.
Help me! He keeps making me post!
Seriously? Okay, it's got a very sublte nuance, that's why.
Spelling it out Kids are innocent they don't know about twisted shit like that. So naturally the kid thinks that the old man is using expert welding terms because he's wearing the welder's mask.....
any funnier now?  |
|
|
|
astrology
= Cult of Ray =
Saint Lucia
252 Posts |
Posted - 10/03/2004 : 09:28:03
|
THIS IS NOT A JOKE BUT I FOUND IT FIT
Strange But True: Country
Music Saps Will To Live
By Steve Connor
Science Editor
The Independent - UK
10-2-4
A study showing the link between country music and suicide has taken one of the top prizes in this year's Ig-Nobel awards - the humorous alternative to the Nobel prizes.
Other winners include the inventor of the karaoke machine, the man who patented the "comb-over" for covering the head of bald men and a student who investigated the danger of eating food that has fallen on the floor. The 10 winners of the 2004 Ig-Nobel prizes - which celebrate the bizarre, weird, funny and improbable elements of genuine scientific inquiry - received their awards last night at a ceremony at Harvard University in Boston.
Marc Abrahams, who conceived the awards 14 years ago, said that the "Igs" are given to studies or inventions judged to have done most in making people laugh and then think. Mr Abrahams, who publishes the Journal of Improbable Research, said the prizes honour the "whipped cream of humanity", or those thinkers who are either eccentrically brilliant or brilliantly eccentric.
The medicine prize was won by Steven Stack of Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan, and James Gundlach of Auburn University in Alabama, who published an investigation into the effect of country music on suicide. The study found that country music, with its emphasis on marital discord, alcoholism and social alienation, can be linked with an increased suicide rate.
"The results of a multiple regression analysis of 49 metropolitan areas show that the greater the airtime devoted to country music, the greater the white suicide rate," the two researchers found.
The physics prize went to Ramesh Balasubramaniam of Ottawa University in Canada and Michael Turvey of Connecticut University, who carried out an exhaustive mathematical study of hula hooping. They worked out how movements of the hip and lower limbs keep the hula hoop from falling. "These modes might stabilise the hoop's angular momentum by controlling respectively its vertical and horizontal components," they said.
A Chicago high school student, Jillian Clarke, became the youngest person to win an Ig-Nobel when she won the public health award for investigating the "five-second rule" about whether it is safe to eat food that has dropped on the floor. "We first surveyed 100 people to see if they were familiar with the five-second rule, and if so, have they ever applied it and if they ever applied it what foods would they feel comfortable eating after floor contact," she said. Further work revealed what type of food - sticky or dry - and floor coverings - smooth or rough -were most likely to contaminate dropped food.
The psychology prize went to Daniel Simons of Illinois University and Christopher Chabris of Harvard, who demonstrated that when people paid close attention to one thing they can be made to overlook anything going on nearby, including a man dressed in a gorilla suit.
'WINNING' IDEAS
Miracle water
The Coca-Cola company takes the chemistry prize for using advanced technology to convert liquid from the river Thames into Dasani, the "mineral" water that had to be withdrawn for precautionary reasons
Nudist library
The American Nudist Research Library at Kissimmee in Florida wins the literature prize for preserving a cheeky slice of history so that everyone can enjoy seeing it
Flatulent herrings
The biology prize goes to a team including Robert Batty of Dunstaffnage Marine Laboratory in Oban who demonstrated the ability of herrings to communicate by releasing bubbles of gas from their intestines
Inventor of the Karaoke
Daisuke Inoue, of Hyogo in Japan, won the peace prize for inventing the Karaoke sing-along machine which provides an entirely new way for people to learn to tolerate each other
Baldness cure
Donald Smith and his late father, Frank, from Florida, win the engineering prize for patenting the "comb-over", the clever technique of covering a bald spot by pulling hair over it from the side of the head, as practised by Bobby Charlton and Neil Kinnock
©2004 Independent Digital (UK) Ltd. All rights reserved
http://news.independent.co.uk/world
/science_technology/story.jsp?story=567654
REGARDS
DAVID
I'm a pistolero, i'm not shakin in my boots
I'm the ruler of this moon, if u move I shoots
Truth is out There, but Mulder cannot find G-Gal's G-point.
erection is no poltergeist, even if its Majestic |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/03/2004 : 09:44:02
|
quote:
Originally posted by PsychicTwin
quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
I don't get it and neither does anyone else in the room.
Help me! He keeps making me post!
Seriously? Okay, it's got a very sublte nuance, that's why.
Spelling it out Kids are innocent they don't know about twisted shit like that. So naturally the kid thinks that the old man is using expert welding terms because he's wearing the welder's mask.....
any funnier now?
Yeah, just 'cos it is so strange. One of the oddest jokes I have heard.
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
|
|
|
VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 10/03/2004 : 19:20:15
|
quote:
A study showing the link between country music and suicide has taken one of the top prizes in this year's Ig-Nobel awards - the humorous alternative to the Nobel prizes.
Sounds like an irrelevant correlation to me.
EDIT: I can't spell.
"Signature quotes are so lame." --Nathan |
Edited by - VoVat on 10/03/2004 19:26:11 |
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 03:41:17
|
I loved Psychic Twin's joke, and I didn't even have to read the explanation.
Denis
"I do feel sorry for people who don't collect records and obsess about music. Why? Because collecting, consuming and obsessing over music and records is very interesting. That's why." - Johan Kugelberg
|
|
|
|
astrology
= Cult of Ray =
Saint Lucia
252 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 16:20:01
|
UR CHOPPERS ARE UNDER THE OCEAN
OUR CHOPPERS ARE UNDER THE SEA
WENT DOWN ALL ALONG WITH THE CARRIERS
THE CREW, THE ADMIRAL BUTT AND ME...
BRING BACK, BRING BACK, CIVIL LIBERTIES TO ME...
PS. BETTER CHILD SONG THAN TALES OF PET GOATS
BY THE WAY...satan is always painted as a goat...
SHEIK DJIBOUTIIIIII
I'm a pistolero, i'm not shakin in my boots
I'm the ruler of this moon, if u move I shoots
Truth is out There, but Mulder cannot find G-Gal's G-point.
erection is no poltergeist, even if its Majestic |
|
|
|
soundofataris
= Cult of Ray =
USA
715 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 17:03:00
|
Q-What's the second worse thing about having sex with a three year old?
A-Getting blood on your clown suit.
Q-What's the worst thing about having sex with a three year old?
A-Hearing the pelvis snap. |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
JOKES!!!
