| Author |
 Topic  |
|
broken part
- FB Fan -
226 Posts |
 Posted - 07/25/2004 : 21:15:25
|
in response to Shines parrot joke:
At church an old woman complains to the priest about her two troublesome female parrots. "I don't know how, father, but they are using the most vulgar words imaginable." "What are they saying?', asks the priest. "Well father, they act like prostitutes." "I also have two parrots, Francis and Claude, which I have taught how to pray. Their behaivour is immaculate and I am convinced that if you brought your parrots over to my house they would impart some of their piety to your birds." The woman agrees and the next day she goes to the priest's place. She enters the living room and lo and behold she sees the two male parrots perching quietly in the cage with their heads bowed in prayer, holding rosemary beads. So she places her two females inside and waits. For the first five minutes the new birds checkout their surroundings and then one of then says:"Hi, we're prostitutes! Wanna have fun?" One of the male parrots intrerupts his meditation turning to the other: "Put the fucking beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!" |
Edited by - broken part on 07/25/2004 21:20:02 |
 |
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2004 : 11:18:51
|
That last one is qulaity. Thanks for the laughs broken part.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
astrology
= Cult of Ray =
Saint Lucia
252 Posts |
Posted - 07/28/2004 : 23:47:40
|
It is well known that W. Bush military records are better hidden than the Majestic files. Some recent investigations have uncovered why the better is to supose a AWOL case instead of the truth.
W from time to time had to report in his base while he was helping a friend in Sweet Home Alabama.
He reported when he was called, and complied his flying hours
He went to the air base, but instead of going to the hangar and pick a plane, he went walking to the head on the runway, started runnin...
His superiors at the base had to cover the whole thing not by the fact that more often than not he made it and got airborne, but how could they explain neighbours' complaints about the supersonic booms....
true blue
Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm
nur al din/nur al djinn, depending on...
Ride the Tiger on the river Euprhates, Go Irak Go!!!! |
Edited by - astrology on 07/28/2004 23:55:47 |
|
|
|
astrology
= Cult of Ray =
Saint Lucia
252 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2004 : 00:06:24
|
Jokes are the trick used by extraterrestrial inteligences to scan our minds
"Isaac Asimov"
true blue
Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm
nur al din/nur al djinn, depending on...
Ride the Tiger on the river Euprhates, Go Irak Go!!!! |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2004 : 12:39:32
|
I have learnt one thing from this topic, if nothing else.
The Portuguese don't really do jokes as such.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
astrology
= Cult of Ray =
Saint Lucia
252 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2004 : 22:54:12
|
Dear Homer's pet monkey
Unfortunately I am not portuguese, I have to thank a lot Portugal, I am spaniard, but after having live there for some time I can say I feel at home there, so from now on I considre myself Iberian.
My only fault is to be redundant, Bush is a joke by ITself, so the rest is only rhetorics.
true blue
Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm
nur al din/nur al djinn, depending on...
Ride the Tiger on the river Euprhates, Go Irak Go!!!! |
|
|
|
twist
- FB Fan -
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2004 : 06:49:22
|
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless. |
|
|
|
bazza
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1439 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2004 : 09:02:00
|
Q: did you hear about the shrimp who went to the disco?
A: he pulled a mussel.
Badoom tish!
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover. |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2004 : 10:37:04
|
Astrology, you changed your place of origin on your profile. It did say Portugal. Honest.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
astrology
= Cult of Ray =
Saint Lucia
252 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2004 : 11:00:50
|
I forgot I was not there
Jose Antonio primo de Rivera, a fascis leader said that Spain was an unit in the Universal Destiny
paraphrasing him i say
The Iberian Peninsula really is an Unit in Universal destnation
Portugal is the nicest place and people i ve been to
I feel at home there
true blue
Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm
nur al din/nur al djinn, depending on...
Ride the Tiger on the river Euprhates, Go Irak Go!!!! |
|
|
|
astrology
= Cult of Ray =
Saint Lucia
252 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2004 : 11:14:29
|
and a joke about porguguese and parrots
a portuguese guy after a holidays en Brazil is in the airport and goes into the duty free willing to boy a parrot
Goes into the shopr and the clerk ask: what do u want?
i'd like to buy a parrot
we have this colorful on coming fron the Mato grosso
how much?=
1000 uds
too expensive
How much have u got?
50 usd
Great!
takes the guy to the warehouse and shows him an owl
This parrot comes from the deepest part of the Amazonia Its yours for fifty bucks, its smuggling endangered species Rush!
the guy buys the "parrot"
Next year as he lands again in the airport he goes to duty free just to greet the clerk
The clerk asks him quite funnily: Did the parrot leran to speak,yet?Not not already but always seem to be very interested
eres como el loro del portugues, hablar no habla, pero pone un interes.....
true blue
Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm
nur al din/nur al djinn, depending on...
Ride the Tiger on the river Euprhates, Go Irak Go!!!! |
Edited by - astrology on 08/01/2004 11:15:58 |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2004 : 12:49:34
|
Astrology my good man, it doesn't really matter where you are from, you really should stop trying to tell jokes in English. I am sure they are very funny in Spanish/Portuguese, but they are lousy in English.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2004 : 14:00:31
|
I actually liked that last one...
Denis
|
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2004 : 01:45:23
|
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
Denis
|
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2004 : 11:16:49
|
Very good vilainde.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 01:32:03
|
Well thanks! I got a few more:
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
Denis
|
|
|
|
Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 15:34:19
|
If: Women = Time x Money
And: Time = Money
=> Women = Money squared
If Money = Root of evil
=> Women = evil
Try it, it works. Women are evil, here is scientific proof.
Kind regards,
Dr. Simon
Specialist In Broken Hearts |
|
|
|
n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 15:46:15
|
hmph mysoginistic jokes are not cool, man, so unhip
Frank Black ate my Hamster
|
|
|
|
Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 15:48:39
|
Don't you be calling my mathematical theorems mysoginistic, wench.
Kind regards,
Dr. Simon
Specialist In Broken Hearts |
|
|
|
n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 15:51:42
|
well! that's me told!
( )
sorry, sir
Frank Black ate my Hamster
|
Edited by - n/a on 08/04/2004 15:52:48 |
|
|
|
Hatchetman
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
234 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 18:01:31
|
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick
Ade |
|
|
|
Hatchetman
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
234 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 18:03:59
|
Oh, and this one............
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
Ade |
|
|
|
freakin phreak
- FB Fan -
161 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 19:49:54
|
-what do you call a guy with cheese on his face?
-a cheese face.
sorry, freddy got fingered is like my favorite movie.
but heres a serious one (serious as far as jokes go...)
-whats off-white and comes in cans?
-micheal jackson
|
|
|
|
slaveish
= Cult of Ray =
USA
269 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 20:39:54
|
A German, a Frenchman, and a Jew are walking through the desert. After three days, hitting exhaustion and their supplies running low, they stumble upon a bar. The three walk into the bar, and the bartender says, "what can I get for you?" To which the German replies, "oh my, I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I must have a beer." The Frenchman sidles up to the bar and exclaims, "alors! I am so tired, and so thirsty, I must have a glass of wine!" and then the Jew, who says, "oh vey, I'm so tired and so very thirsty, I must have diabetes!"
|
|
|
|
freakin phreak
- FB Fan -
161 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2004 : 22:00:36
|
ok sorry bout the last one, this ones much better. be advised its pretty bad in terms of racial stereotypes.
a gay guy, a jew, a black guy, and an italian find themselves all in hell one day. they plead with satan to give them another chance at life, and satan agrees, but under one condition: "you cant revert to your old ways. one mess up and youre back here for good."
so all 4 men are walking down a street, back on earth, when all of a sudden, the italian guy spots a fine italian resturante. he runs in and as soon as the food hits his lips, BAM, hes back in hell. so the other 3 guys are wary, but continue on their walk. the black guy spots a dance club. as soon as his feet touch the dance floor, BAM, back to hell. so the jewish guy and the gay guy are like "whoa, we gotta be careful, we dont wanna end up like them." just then, the jewish guy spots a quarter on the ground and just as he bends over and picks it up, BAM, theyre both back in hell. |
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2004 : 01:17:15
|
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
Denis
|
|
|
|
fudd
= Cult of Ray =
664 Posts |
Posted - 08/05/2004 : 06:21:04
|
Guy takes his wife to the doctor. Doctor says "I can't be sure without further tests, but your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's." Guy says "Oh my god, that's horrible. What should I do?" Doctor says "Tell you what. Drop her off on a street corner somewhere. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
|
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2004 : 09:32:23
|
Q: How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A: A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.
Denis
|
|
|
|
Carolynanna
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Canada
6556 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2004 : 09:47:19
|
This is not really a joke because its true, I thought it was funny.
The Jehovah's came to my house,
started talking about evolution and how its hogwash.
I told them they're not scoring any points with that and was about to close the door when the guy says;
"If evolution is true why wouldn't women have more hands..." |
|
|
|
Monsieur
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1688 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2004 : 09:49:32
|
or fingers!
so they could type faster, you pervert! |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2004 : 12:09:44
|
Some nice new ones here guys n gal. Good stuff. I have not heard any to pass on in a while.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
Monsieur
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1688 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2004 : 12:43:20
|
| nice to have you back, homey! |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2004 : 13:47:50
|
Thanks big A.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 08/10/2004 : 01:30:38
|
"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.
"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen'. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."
"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?"
"Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"
Denis
|
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2004 : 10:32:02
|
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy, doc."
Doc - "What??"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign
of stress; do you suffer from stress?
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I
worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary
and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non- stop and
puts me down every chance she gets"
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn and eat Cheesy Puffs"
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
|
|
|
Topic |
|
JOKES!!!
