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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
 Posted - 06/16/2004 : 12:54:36
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Hehehe
I wasn't sure if I was gonna like that, but erm..........yeah I liked that. Hehe.
Listen to Nine Black Alps. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2004 : 13:00:24
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A GUY walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and notices a guy across
> the room downing shot after shot of whiskey. After about six shots the
man
> gets up, goes to the window, opens it and jumps out. The man at the bar,
> shocked, runs to the window and looks down. Right before the man is going
> to hit the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the
> ground.
>
> The man sits back down at the bar, amazed. Then the guy that had jumped
> out the window comes in and downs a few more shots, goes to the window,
> and jumps out. Again, right before he hits the ground a gust of wind
picks
> him up and sets him gently on the ground.
>
> A minute later he's back up in the bar. The man sitting at the bar asks
> him how he did that. He said, "There's a lot of wind down there and it
> always sets you down with no harm done."
>
> "What the hell, I'm a daring guy anyway." So the man gets up, goes to the
> window, jumps out and falls straight to the ground.
> The other man starts busting up laughing. Then bartender then says to
> him," You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
__________________________________________________
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2004 : 13:46:19
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hmmm... if this pisses anyone off too much I'll delete it... if not I have an entire arsenal of these things...
Q. Whats the difference between acne and a paedophile?
A. Acne doesn't come on your face untill you're at least 12
*braces for impact*
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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BLT
> Teenager of the Year <
South Sandwich Islands
4204 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2004 : 17:02:11
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Q: What do 10 million abused wives have in common?
A: They don't know when to shut up. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2004 : 17:04:23
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Q:what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
A:nothing, she's already been told twice.
[edit] - spelling correction
"That's Nuckin' Futs" |
Edited by - shineoftheever on 06/30/2004 17:05:51 |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2004 : 17:19:55
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man goes to a pub, has a few drinks, feels a bit randy. He considers getting himself a prostitute, checks his wallet and it only contains £5. He resigns himself to a solo when he gets home and sets off on his journey.
On his way home he takes a wrong turning and ends up down a twisty alley, looking for something he might recognise his eyes come accross a sign in a door way
"Singing blowjobs five pounds ring bell"
The man rings the bell, a maturish woman answers, she's handsome looking.
"Can I help you sir" she purrs
"I'd like a singing blow job" sez the man
"come on up sir"
The man follows the woman upstairs and hands over his money
"I'm shy" says the lady to the man "Do you mind turning out the lights while I do this"
The man, fully turned on by now replies
"no"
The lights go off.
The man unbottons his trousers.
He feels the familiar suction around his now very aroused manhood
He starts to have fun...
Just a he is relaxed the woman starts to sing "I could stay here forever oh -oh -oooh"
Shocked the man ejaculates and as soon as he's come he's out the door.
The man goes home and ponders his experience, he *knows* she was on him so how could she be singing? Not turned off by this at all and more than a little curious he decides to return the next night.
He rings the bell... same routine, hands over his money hears her tell him she's shy, turns of the lights... cock related suction.
This time however he's positioned himself next to a lamp.
As he relaxes she starts to sing "I'm just a real love diplomat... won't give you no flim flams...."
He turns on the light quick sharpish
The woman disengages
She then stands up and pops her false eye back in
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2004 : 17:22:22
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and shine I actually typed that but then swapped it for this one!!!!
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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ispini tapaidh
- FB Fan -
Ireland
122 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2004 : 08:43:41
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Q. What is relative humidity?
A. The sweat on your balls when you're shagging your sister.
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BrendanT
= Cult of Ray =
Canada
907 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2004 : 10:02:30
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Visit this man.
www.louisck.com
He'll make you laugh. Or kill you tryin'!
Strummer-man
I had me a vision!
It's step, hip, step, pivot! Are you trying to piss-off the volcano?! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2004 : 15:48:11
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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"
"That's Nuckin' Futs" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2004 : 15:54:22
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Hahaha! Quality!
__________________________________________________
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
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KimStanleyRobinson
* Dog in the Sand *
1972 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2004 : 19:46:57
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Alright, you've got racist, pedophile, scatalogical...don't smack me for this one from the hills.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They all just sit in the dark and bitch. 
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I'm a grit. |
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KimStanleyRobinson
* Dog in the Sand *
1972 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2004 : 19:51:17
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Whats the mating call of a West Virginian?
"Sis? You up?"
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I'm a grit. |
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KimStanleyRobinson
* Dog in the Sand *
1972 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2004 : 19:59:05
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In a mountain home:
Sis comes downstairs and says to her father:
"Daddy - i wanna go to the dance."
Dad: "Well, you know what you gotta do..." and points to his crotch.
Sis looks scared, lowers and shakes her head.
"No, daddy , I don't want to."
"Ok - no dance."
Sis goes back upstairs only to return a bout 30 minutes later.
"Daddy, I REALLY want to go to the dance."
"Ok - well - you know what you gotta do."
She kneels before him and and begins to do the deed.
Not long after she's begun, she reels back, looks up disgusted and says,
"Daddy! Your thing tastes like shit!"
"Well - junior had to go to the movies!"
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I'm a grit. |
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pfeffa
= Cult of Ray =
Aruba
367 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2004 : 20:02:24
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Kim, you are rather gross and heavily obsessed with incest...seeing a therapist for this?
;)
get your freon bingo here |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2004 : 22:09:53
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heh heh hehe hehe heh
A paedophile takes a small boy into the woods, the small boy says "ooh it's all dark and scary in here" and the paedophile replies "It's ok for you, i've got to find my way back again"
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2004 : 14:13:54
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> GREEN BANANA
> > > This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He
rings
>the
> >bell
> > > for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on
the
> >bus.
> > > The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
> > > At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's
>Texas
> >he's
> > > sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat
in
>the
> > > chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
> > >
> > > "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes"
> > > answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" the man
> > > asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits
> > > until
he's
> >eaten
> > > it.
> > > When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch
sending
> >hundreds
> > > of thousands of volts through the man.
> > >
> > > When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner
can't
> >believe
> > > it.
> > > "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner,
"that's
> >never
> > > happened before."
> > > The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses
selling
> > > tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people
are
> >still
> > > getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke
is
> >sent
> > > down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
> > >
> > > The executioner is determined to do it right this time so he rigs
the
> >chair
> > > up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is
again
>sat
> >in
> > > the chair.
> > >
> > > "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
> > > "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the
>condemned
> >man.
> > >
> > > The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The
bloke
> >eats
> > > the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions
of
> >volts
> > > course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke
clears the
> >man
> > > is still there smiling in the chair.
> > > "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you
can
>still
> >be
> > > alive after all that?"
> > >
> > > He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana
>isn't
> >it?"
> > > he asked.
> > >
> > > "Nahh" said the bloke,".....I'm just a really bad conductor."
__________________________________________________
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2004 : 14:22:09
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didn't see that one coming.......grrrrr, damn banana! LOL! HAH!
"You'll soon be dust your deeds already are, You saw no orb no fiery bushes either, I must be drunk I feel unsteady, No monster me, sadly no saint either... " |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2004 : 14:29:40
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*groan*
whats the difference betwen a paedophile and a grey hound?
the greyhound always waits for the hair
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2004 : 12:15:27
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Q: How do German kids tie their shoelaces?
A: In little Nazis. |
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KimStanleyRobinson
* Dog in the Sand *
1972 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2004 : 12:22:57
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Blonde: "I love it when my man brings me flowers - it just makes me feel so good."
Brunette: "Yeah - I like them, but I don't like spending the next three days with my legs in the air.
Blonde:"Don't you have like a vase or something?"
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May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2004 : 10:56:59
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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
"chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piiiieeeee!" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2004 : 12:21:33
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Hahahaha, very good shine!
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
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Doog
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1220 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2004 : 13:19:13
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In an inflatable school in the inflatable hall, the inflatable headmaster is giving assembly to all the inflatable kids. Johnny, sick to death of school, runs to the headmaster with a needle- PHSSSHHHSHSHSHS! He's still alive, just all the air has gone out of him. Johnny then takes the needle to the inflatable school walls- PSHSHSHSHHHHHH! Down goes the school. Despairing, Johnny stabs himself with the needle. PSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHSH!
After school in the office, the Headmaster gives Johnny a lecture "I'm really dissapointed in you Johnny. You let me down. You let the school down, but worst of all- you let yourself down"
--
2 guys go to the Sperm bank- one misses the tube, but the other gets the bus.
 "Join the cult of Ray/He was the best Ghostbuster"
www.doog.tk |
Edited by - Doog on 07/14/2004 13:19:53 |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/21/2004 : 10:01:42
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A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades...
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way . but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!"
 "Too cool for Cults" |
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TattooedJeebus
- FB Fan -
Canada
47 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 01:02:07
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Seems to be a lot of groaners going around, here's my contribution:
Q: What's purple, 21 inches long, and makes women scream?
A:Crib Death
Oooo, I'm going to hell for that one!
If you're getting cotton mouth, my mind is like an ocean... |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 01:29:46
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I really liked the alligator one.
A cannibal turns to his buddy at dinner and says, "You know, I really hate my mother-in-law." His friend says, "Hey, no big deal, just eat the vegetables!"
Denis
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 09:49:10
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Not sure if this one's been told...
Q: What is 75 feet long and has 3 teeth?
A: The West Virginia unemployment line.
Just the Cult of Frank / We want Honeycomb! |
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 09:54:07
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This guy is waiting in a doctor's office after getting some tests done. The doctor comes back in the room and says:
"Ok, I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news?" says the patient.
"The good news is you are going to have a disease named after you"
Just the Cult of Frank / We want Honeycomb! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 10:33:39
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To be fair Proverbial, that's all Kurt Cobain ever wanted.
Thanks for the joke Nathan. I have actually heard it before, but it was good to read it again.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
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twist
- FB Fan -
USA
191 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 14:33:44
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What's the difference between the rolling stones and a scotsman?
The rolling stones say hey you get out of my cloud and a scotsman says hey mcloud get out of my yew tree. (the polite version) |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 15:04:08
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So this guy walks into a bar and he says to the bartender "look man, I have no money but I'm really desperate for a drink, do you think i could have a free beer?" The bartender looks back at him smiles and says "lucky for you i'm in a good mood, I don't normally give away beer to anyone but if you can show me something I've never seen before I'll pour you nice cold beer" the guy says "ok" and pulls a little piano out if his bag, a little grand piano standing about 9 inches high complete with pedals and a little bench. The bartender looks closely and says "wow, that's the best little model I've ever seen, so lifelike, I guess that's worth a cold beer" the bartender pours the guy his beer and goes about his business. About 30 minutes later the guy pipes up again "look man, I don't have any money is it possible I could get another free beer?" the bartender replies "now fella, the piano was cool but I can't give out free beer all day, I am however somewhat intrigued, so if you can show me something else I've never seen before I'll pour another Tall cold frosty beer." The man dips into his bag again and this time pulls out a little man, a little man about 12 inches tall! he's wearing a penguin suit, coat-tails, little top-hat, the whole nine yards; so the little man runs a couple circles around the piano, sits down on the bench, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a little show tune "dut-dut-duttle-duttle-dut-dut-dada-dut-de-duttle-dut-de-duttle......" The bartender is blown away, staring at the little man he pours a cold beer for the guy and just watches the little man play piano, totally dumbstruck! After a bout 10 minutes the bartender asks the guy "just where in heck did you get him/that whatever it is?" the guy replies " a genie gave me this magic coin" as he pulls a shiny doubloon out of his pocket "gave me three wishes, I got two left." Without hesitation the bartender says "free beer for life if I can have just one wish!" the guy flips the bartender the coin and the bartender starts rubbing the coin making his wish. A few minutes later he hears this loud thunder-like noise, the sky starts to darken, the bartender runs outside to see what's going on when lo and behold the sun is blocked by a million ducks all flying straight for the bar. The bartender cries out "I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The guy gives him an earnest and look and states "Yeah , ya think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?" 
"Too cool for Cults" |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2004 : 17:15:53
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Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A: Christopher Walken
<ba-dum-bum> |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2004 : 13:31:28
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Not strictly a joke this one but still pretty funny.
This was apparently in the Washington Post ... the title of the article
was
> >"Best Come Back Line Ever."
> >
> >In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male
> >resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence
> >will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency,
and
> >public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
> >
> >The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided
> to
> >stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no
> one
> >around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone
> >interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the
> >road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,
> cut
> >a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was
> >really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
> >
> >In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
> >police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer
> Brenda
> >Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"
> >said Officer Taylor." I walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping
> away
> >at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
> >approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do
you
> >realize that you're having s3x with a pumpkin?"."
> >
> >He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked
> >me
> >straight in the face and said,
> >
> >"A pumpkin? F**k me, is it midnight already?"
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2004 : 13:37:52
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hahahhahahhahahahaha
oh that is funny
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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JOKES!!!
