| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
 Posted - 05/12/2004 : 10:35:12
|
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
 |
|
|
speedy_m
= Frankofile =
Canada
3581 Posts |
Posted - 05/12/2004 : 11:01:46
|
quote:
Originally posted by apl4eris
quote:
Originally posted by speedy_m
I always save the day! It's no wonder I'm such a mack with the ladies.
 quote:
Originally posted by fudd
Don't get the icecube one.
Does no one understand me? Kafka was right.
Well apl, I stand corrected. She's hot. And she fits right into to my giant-brown-ear fetish.... |
|
|
|
Adam
= Cult of Ray =
USA
505 Posts |
Posted - 05/12/2004 : 13:23:43
|
| A blonde's house caught on fire, so she called the fire dept. to report it. The Fire Dept. ask the blonde "How do we get there". The blonde replied "Duh, Big Red Truck"! |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2004 : 15:54:16
|
So I said "Do you want a game of darts?", he said "OK then",
I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest"
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
|
|
|
BLT
> Teenager of the Year <
South Sandwich Islands
4204 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2004 : 16:12:58
|
Q: What's 18 inches long and has an asshole behind it?
A: A lawyer's tie. |
|
|
|
Carolynanna
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Canada
6556 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2004 : 16:19:24
|
What's got 2 thumbs and doesn't give a rat's ass?
This guy! |
|
|
|
Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2004 : 16:39:11
|
So you know Gandhi, right? Little old guy? Little known fact: he had osteoperosis, and was plagued with bad breath.
In fact, a super-fragile-frail-mystic-vexed-by-halitosis.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He orders two pints, and the barman says, "why two?". The man said "one for me, one for the giraffe."
When they finish, he again orders two pints, one for him, one for the giraffe.
They repeat this another seven times, and by the end both the man and the giraffe are more than a little tipsy. The man gets up and staggers to the door. The giraffe doesn't get that far, and falls over before he reaches the exit. He doesn't get up, so the barman calls to the man, "hey, you can't leave that lying there!"
The man says, "its not a lion, its a giraffe."
Obligatory sick one:
Q. Whats the difference between David Beckham and Princess Di's driver?
A. Beckham can take corners.
 "Everywhere I go I want to travel by X-Wing" |
|
|
|
shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/14/2004 : 16:39:14
|
quote:
Originally posted by Carolynanna
This guy!
Isn't that the same guy who has two thumbs and likes taking it in the buns? 
Stay tuned for signature change at 400 posts. |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2004 : 12:29:00
|
quote:
Originally posted by Carolynanna
What's got 2 thumbs and doesn't give a rat's ass?
This guy!
Hehehe!!! Who the hell is this guy!?!?!?
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 13:51:47
|
Not a joke as such but I thought it was pretty funny.
FROM: Bin Laden, Osama. TO: All Al Qaeda Fighters.
>
>SUBJECT: The Cave
>
>Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really
>come together as a group and I love that!
>
>However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of
the
>cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
>
>First of all: While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we
>should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to
avoid
>excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to
>sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster - have you?
>I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the
Halal
>toaster/griller).
>
>Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm tryin to
>scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay? That means
>that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background
>or keep doing the 'Wasssuuup' thing. Thanks.
>
>Third: Food. I bought a box of Bega cheese recently, clearly wrote
"Ossy"
>on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge. Today, two of my
>Bega slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
>
>Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance
>ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. And Please - do not
chant
>"Ossy, Ossy, Ossy. Oii Oii Oii" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
>
>Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**** DONKEYS" on the group toilet
>wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving
myself
>at the edge of the mountain.
>
>Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse
>that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the
edge
>of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkey's there is
a
>grey area).
>
>Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soliders in disguise trying
>to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.
First
>patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
>
>Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.
>
>PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
>Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
|
|
|
ShakeyShake
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1058 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 11:51:07
|
quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
>
>Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soliders in disguise trying
>to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.
First
>patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
>
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!!
Heh I liked this one
"I joined the Cult of this guy / 'cause they took my other picture away |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/25/2004 : 14:03:44
|
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/26/2004 : 11:25:48
|
Corporate Lesson 1
>
> A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped
> and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her
legs,
> forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look
and
> nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid
his
hand up
> her leg.
>
> The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"
>
> The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
> remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
>
> The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>
> Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
>
> Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and
> went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a
> bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up,
you will
> find glory."
>
>
> Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might
> miss a great opportunity.
>
>
>
>
> Corporate Lesson 2
>
> A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch
> when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in
a
puff
> of smoke.
>
> The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you
> just one."
>
> "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas,
> driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
>
> Poof! She's gone.
>
> In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in
> Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply
of
> pina coladas and the love of my life."
>
> Poof! He's gone.
>
> "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
>
> The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
>
>
>
> Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>
>
>
>
> Corporate Lesson 3
>
> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
>
> A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do
> nothing all day long?"
>
> The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
>
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden
> a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>
>
>
> Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
> very, very high up.
>
>
>
>
> Corporate Lesson 4
>
> A turkey was chatting with a bull.
>
> "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey,
> but I haven't got the energy."
>
> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
> "They're packed with nutrients."
>
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
>
> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
>
> Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of
the
> tree.
>
> Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the
tree.
>
>
>
>
> Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you
> there.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
Edited by - Homers_pet_monkey on 05/26/2004 11:26:42 |
|
|
|
broken part
- FB Fan -
226 Posts |
Posted - 05/26/2004 : 18:54:09
|
| A man walks into a bar and the rest is a joke. |
|
|
|
broken part
- FB Fan -
226 Posts |
Posted - 05/26/2004 : 18:55:26
|
A variation to that is:
A man goes into a bar and the rest is a joke. |
|
|
|
loudlarf
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
59 Posts |
Posted - 05/27/2004 : 06:15:45
|
Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
"A pint for me and a vodka and tonic for Tiny here please"
"Ok" says the barman, "but why do you call him Tiny?"
"Because he's my newt" replies the man..... |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/27/2004 : 10:29:58
|
I met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/27/2004 : 13:22:54
|
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
> > > > everyone
> > > > inside dies.
> > > > They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
> have
> > > > experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they
> enter
> > > > Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the
> wish
> > > > is.
> > > > "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is
> done.
> > > > The
> > > > second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
> > > > Another
> > > > snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
> while
> > > > but
> > > > when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
> laughing.
> > > > When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
> floor,
> > > > laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him
> what
> > > > his
> > > > wish will be. The guy calms down and says:
> > > >
> > > > "Make 'em all ugly again".
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2004 : 12:48:47
|
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied
to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free
and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head
Listen to Nine Black Alps. |
|
|
|
n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2004 : 13:53:32
|
what do michael jackson and santa have in common
They both leave little boy's bedrooms with empty sacks...
can't get into anything these days. Always on the peripheral. Always terrified, exhausted, annoyed, pissed, anxious, out of it-out of the loop, out of my mind, out of time.
|
|
|
|
floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2004 : 13:56:40
|
what does Snoop Dawg use to clean his laundry?
BLEEEEEIIIIAAAATCH! |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2004 : 13:59:20
|
He's one Mad Dawg!
Listen to Nine Black Alps. |
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 10:30:34
|
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day
and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with
Germany.
Mick the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls
flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and
dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite,
Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he
can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of
fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to
the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door
and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I
can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you
have a bit to drink last night?"..
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd
you know?"
"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Listen to Nine Black Alps. |
|
|
|
apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 10:36:41
|
Nice one monkeyboy, and aptly timed for Bloomsday!
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? |
|
|
|
fudd
= Cult of Ray =
664 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 10:38:41
|
quote:
Originally posted by apl4eris
Nice one monkeyboy, and aptly timed for Bloomsday!
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
Please elaborate. |
|
|
|
apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 10:46:52
|
Today is Bloomsday.
We may have just passed through a BLACK HOLE in space. Otherwise, it's just a Zippy quote.
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? |
|
|
|
Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 10:49:11
|
Zippy as in, Zippy, George, Bungle and Geoffrey?
 "It's a far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts. Isn't it? Mmmmm. Marvellous." |
|
|
|
apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 10:54:06
|
Why, Zippy the Pinhead!
hahaha. Weiner dogs.
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? |
|
|
|
apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 10:55:12
|
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? |
|
|
|
apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 10:56:08
|
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? |
|
|
|
fudd
= Cult of Ray =
664 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 11:02:51
|
quote:
Originally posted by apl4eris
hahaha. Weiner dogs.
The only things funnier are those baboons with the red asses. |
|
|
|
darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5454 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 11:20:04
|
| A penguin is having car trouble so he takes his car to the shop. The mechanic tells him it will take about an hour to check out the car, so the penguin heads across the street to grocery store and climbs into the cooler for a snack. After an hour of snacking the penguin heads back across the street and the mechanic tells him, "It looks like you blew a seal". The pengiun replies, "Oh, that's just ice cream." |
|
|
|
fudd
= Cult of Ray =
664 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 11:34:15
|
Woman asks for 32 gallons of milk. Milkman can't resist asking what it's for. She says it's to bathe in to soften her skin. He asks if she wants it pasteurized. She says "No, just up to my tits will be fine."
|
|
|
|
Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 12:02:46
|
Your Zippy is nowhere near as good as ours.
Listen to Nine Black Alps. |
|
|
|
apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2004 : 12:48:43
|
I am going to be extremely gracious and ignore that you ever said such a thing.
Now here is an engineering joke.
Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very interesting, educational, historical, completely true, and hysterical all at the same time:
The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question.
Now the twist to the story . . .
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass!
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
JOKES!!!
