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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
 Posted - 07/06/2007 : 10:22:46
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I just came up with this. Sort of (It's not a vey original joke):
How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him down the Alps.
 "Aw yeah, that's the good stuff!" |
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 13:05:02
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A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?'
______________________
I've seen blue you've never seen |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 17:23:18
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The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest a local homosexual. Residents believed he'd been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.
The sheriff ditfully arrests the man and says to him, "Ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"
He replied, "I'll need at least two hours." |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 20:27:23
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so these three women die and they are at the pearly gates and st. peter admits them and says to them "welcome to heaven, don't step on the ducks." the three women kind of look at each other and look down and sure enough the grounds of heaven are teeming with cute fluffy little ducks absolutely everywhere. well, it takes about ten minutes before the first woman steps on a duck. st. peter magically appears and chains a hideous excuse for man to her arm and they are bound for all eternity. the remaining two women exchange looks and carry on with their own afterlives a little more carefully. a couple days later one of the remaining women stumbles and steps on a duck and once again st. peter appears and chains the most unbelievably ugly man to the second woman and she is bound to him for all eternity. the last woman spends the next couple of months walking heaven so carefully it is a surprise when st. peter shows up next to her with the most beautiful man she has ever seen in all her days on earth and in heaven and then binds the two of them for all eternity. the woman turns to the man and says "i don't know what i did to deserve you." the man looks at her with downcast eyes and says "i stepped on a duck."
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 07/09/2007 : 20:31:00
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Another ugly-woman joke!
 Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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tisasawath
= Cult of Ray =
Wallis and Futuna Islands
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2007 : 00:40:11
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one woman, but two men. biased.
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AAAAWWWWWRRRIIGGHHTTTTT !! ! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/10/2007 : 19:14:52
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donald duck would see it a totally different way my friends. he would find it dith-spickable.
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2007 : 16:54:04
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Bob bought a ticket for £450 for the FA Cup Final off the internet.
Unfortunately, when he arrives at Wembley Stadium he realises the seat is on the last row of the upper tier in the corner of the stadium.
About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows off the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1962."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
"The arc of triumph" |
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2007 : 06:28:01
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Annual check up.
I went to see the nurse for my annual check up.
She said "I think you should stop w * nking."
I asked "why?"
She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2007 : 06:45:50
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Bugger !!!!!
Had a bloody crash this morning in Bangkok - ran up the arse of another car. The bloke got out and he was a dwarf !!! . He said" I'm not happy". I said " Well, which bloody one are you then?" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2007 : 08:11:30
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Haha. Both very good.
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2007 : 09:35:08
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The Life of Derek
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ !!!" he exclaimed.
"Quick…. !! write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's better than Derek."
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/15/2007 : 13:26:11
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read this in a blog on virb, i guess they got in in an email but..... [edit] sorry it's so long.
The US government has a new website, www.ready.gov, displaying public service symbols for terrorism readiness in the tradition of the old "duck and cover" campaigns.
The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything!
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle.
If you are bald, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow,
pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance,
stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap,
water, and at least one armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist.
If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the f*** away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses, and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common.
Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy.
Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
If your building collapses,
cower under a desk and kiss your ass goodbye.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.
After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window.
No one wants to see that shit.
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, it is a psychological terror attack. Cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking,
stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
Austin is radioactive. Move to Houston.
If you are trapped under falling debris,
conserve oxygen by not farting.
how to ROFLMAO
Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. Always carry one!
"We do beleive it ends right here." |
Edited by - mr.biscuitdoughhead on 07/15/2007 13:26:42 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2007 : 05:40:20
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I think I may have seen that before, but it's still very funny.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2007 : 06:22:08
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Yeah, it's several years old, but hasn't lost an ounce of its funniness. Thanks for posting it, mr.bdh. I got several big laughs out of it.
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2007 : 06:35:06
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Yeah, I was laughing out loud at some of those. Funny stuff.
"The arc of triumph" |
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2007 : 06:37:43
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| I sent Mr. B's joke to an American at work and he couldn't see the humour in it at all. |
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2007 : 07:30:37
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Picture of the Day
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tisasawath
= Cult of Ray =
Wallis and Futuna Islands
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/20/2007 : 04:25:35
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CAPTAIN'S LOG
Aug.31.1883
We sailed to the west, in hope of finding a new land.
The crew is in good spirit, the food is excellent, 5 girls from the harbour are with us, and things are merry.
Oct.31.1883
The compass has broken down; we are sailing by the sun and the stars (when it's not cloudy (damn clouds)). Otherwise the crew is in good spirit, the girls are healthy.
Nov.30.1883
Strong winds ripped apart all but one sail. Slowed us down quite a bit. Otherwise the crew is in good spirit, the girls are healthy.
Jan.01.1884
We are celebrating New Year; we don't care about the storms, tossing us around. We don't know our position; there hasn't been a patch of clear sky for 25 days.
Otherwise the crew is in good spirit, the girls are healthy.
Feb.28.1884
A stormy night had us shipwrecked. 30 sailors were saved and a cook-maid Mary, ugly as hell. All the harbour girls drowned. Whatever will we do without them?
Mar.25.1884
Luckily the currents had been carrying us down south, so we're not cold on this deserted island. Ugly Mary is an excellent cook. Some sailors started banging her with their eyes closed. I could never do something like that. I expressed well wishes to her on Mother's Day.
May01.1884
Mary is being banged by all 30 sailors. I'm actually starting to recognize her wonderful, gentle, understanding soul. I think I've fallen in love with Mary.
May02.1884
This morning it was the first time I went to Mary. I was also the first this morning. We made love. It was wonderful. Mary then obliged the sailors.
June30.1884
Every day we sweat under the baking sun. In the shade we sweat on Mary.
Each day is a wonderful gift. Mary's survival was good fortune.
June30.1885
With nothing but 30 men for company, Mary to me looks more beautiful every day. But the strain of daily routine (hey, spreading legs 62 times every day) is starting to show.
June30.1886
We have relieved Mary of cooking commitments. Joe is the cook now. The food stinks. But Mary makes our lives beautiful twice or three times each day.
June30.1889
Mary is exhausted. It looks like she is getting ill.
July30.1889
Mary has a fever. We all pray for her health. The fever does make her pussy 3 degrees hotter though, which is refreshing. But because of the illness we don't burden Mary more than once a day each.
Aug.30.1889
Mary is unconscious; her temperature is 106. We fear the worst.
Aug.31.1889
Mary died. 30 sailors, all hardened sea dogs, including me, we're crying like babies. We don't know what to do without Mary.
Sep.01.1889
We buried Mary. Life has lost its meaning.
Sep.02.1889
Cook Joe hanged himself from the coconut tree. Jack and Jim got into a bloody fight. Things are getting unbearable.
Sep.03.1889
We dug out Mary.
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AAAAWWWWWRRRIIGGHHTTTTT !! ! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/20/2007 : 06:04:12
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Haha, I wondered where that was going.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 07/20/2007 : 06:54:31
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quote:
Originally posted by s_wrenn
Why did the Dinosaur cross the road
Because chickens weren't invented yet
you already said that joke, and my joke in response was awesome.
"Idiot" is just her sig. |
Edited by - PixieSteve on 07/20/2007 06:55:15 |
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 07/20/2007 : 11:30:16
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I know i did. I was trying to break the tension at the time, with a joke.
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 07/21/2007 : 10:23:29
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Why did the amoeba cross the road?
Because dinosaurs weren't invented yet.
"I hate how the reptile dreams it's a mammal. Scaley monster: be what you are!!" - Erebus. |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 07/21/2007 : 19:08:42
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why did the man build the road
so various things could cross it for amusing reasons
"Idiot" is just her sig. |
Edited by - PixieSteve on 07/21/2007 19:10:37 |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/21/2007 : 19:14:44
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i think that's probably the best joke ever.
ummm... salad? |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2007 : 00:42:47
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quote:
Originally posted by mr.biscuitdoughhead
i think that's probably the best joke ever.
ummm... salad?
Perhaps. |
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tisasawath
= Cult of Ray =
Wallis and Futuna Islands
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2007 : 01:12:41
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i thought 1st place had been taken by
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
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AAAAWWWWWRRRIIGGHHTTTTT !! ! |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2007 : 01:14:44
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2007 : 20:08:16
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Economic Models - 2007 Update
The Cow Model
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows
back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report
says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one
cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy....
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2007 : 18:02:45
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An old couple prepare to go to bed. They no sooner hit the
pillows when the old man farts and says, "One nil."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man
replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1".
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Penalty- 2-1."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty- 2-2."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,"Free kick,
shot & Goal, 3-2."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman so
he strains really hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in
the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, change sides!"
"The arc of triumph" |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2007 : 19:17:30
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quote:
Originally posted by Srisaket
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
I didn't like the others, but I loved this one.
"I only have sex with men." - Coastline |
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2007 : 02:22:24
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Einstein's Second Marriage
March 14th was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 127.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage was dissolved in 1919.
Albert stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well
endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large
breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
(Erm........sorry) |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2007 : 03:39:33
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that was so contrived
"Idiot" is just her sig. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2007 : 05:43:03
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Great punchline. The rest of it needs some work.
There's a perfect explanation for the shit that I've been in. As soon as I find out, I'll let you know. |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 08/09/2007 : 16:46:45
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online poker:
[me]: doesn't dust usually come in white, or can you get dustin yellow?
[Dustin White]: ...huh?
"Idiot" is just her sig. |
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
