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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
 Posted - 06/18/2007 : 13:35:11
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What's a werewolf's favorite music festival?
Bonnarooooo!!
 "Aw yeah, that's the good stuff!" |
Edited by - Carl on 06/18/2007 13:35:44 |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2007 : 10:35:11
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A train hits a busload of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?".
She giggles and shyly replies "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2007 : 22:06:17
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michael jackson has released a new wine. it's called jesus juice and it's made of 100% statutory grapes.
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2007 : 08:16:54
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A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him. "Can I help you, sir?" said the cop. "Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied. The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?" "It wassss at the end of thisss key." the man replied. About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man's "thing" was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asked the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!"
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I've seen blue you've never seen |
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2007 : 08:20:02
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Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
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I've seen blue you've never seen |
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2007 : 10:13:33
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quote:
Originally posted by shineoftheever
A train hits a busload of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?".
She giggles and shyly replies "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind.
Looks like you are emptying your inbox - this joke was sent to me today as well. |
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2007 : 11:47:41
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Heard this one last week:
A woman walks in to a grocery store. After slowly trolling up and down the aisles she takes her items to the cashier.
She has one banana, a pint of milk and a mini pizza
The male shop assistant checks the items through and asks “single?”
“How did you know?” The woman says
“Because you‘re fucking ugly” replies the shop assistant.
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2007 : 13:01:59
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!
______________________
I've seen blue you've never seen |
Edited by - kfs on 07/03/2007 13:02:20 |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2007 : 13:24:07
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Are you fucking kidding me, kfs? Uncharacteristically, I've been keeping my mouth shut on that "joke" all afternoon. It doesn't offend you as a woman and human being?
(No offense to you, sean. Just let us ladies duke it out.)
I got some heaven in my head
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2007 : 13:31:35
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I wasn't the shop assistant!
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2007 : 13:35:08
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Not at all...it's just a joke and I thought it was funny. No big deal.
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I've seen blue you've never seen |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2007 : 13:40:56
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You don't see a difference between that and Shiner's holy water post?
I got some heaven in my head
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2007 : 13:43:11
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Why did the Dinosaur cross the road
Because chickens weren't invented yet
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2007 : 14:07:32
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Honestly, I didn't notice it before. I sometimes skip the longer ones.
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I've seen blue you've never seen |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2007 : 14:13:55
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My point is there is, in my mind, a salient difference between the two.
And if you haven't read Shiner's holy water joke, get right on it. It's hilarious.
I got some heaven in my head
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 02:20:46
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Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 09:48:48
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A man walks in to a grocery store. After slowly trolling up and down the aisles he takes his items to the cashier.
He has one banana, a pint of milk and a mini pizza
The female shop assistant checks the items through and asks “single?”
“How did you know?” The man says
“Because you‘re fucking ugly” replies the shop assistant.
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 11:18:52
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Homers_pet_monkey walks in to a grocery store...
Just kiddding
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 13:55:17
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quote:
Originally posted by kathryn
Are you fucking kidding me, kfs? Uncharacteristically, I've been keeping my mouth shut on that "joke" all afternoon. It doesn't offend you as a woman and human being?
(No offense to you, sean. Just let us ladies duke it out.)
I got some heaven in my head
i initially heard it with the genders the other way around (the way hpm just told it) and i don't think it's offensive. i didn't think it had anything to do with the person being a guy or a girl.
it's not a very funny joke anyways.
Hey, that's my line |
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 14:01:27
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The genders weren't meant to be major factors in the joke, it was just the way the joke was told to me. So i told it that way too.
Christ, this is a jokes thread, lighten up
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 14:03:39
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okay, i probably told this before but i don't feel like looking, and it's my favoritest joke ever:
What do you call a psychic midget who just robbed a bank?
A small medium at large.
ha it's still funny.
Hey, that's my line |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 15:38:25
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quote:
Originally posted by s_wrenn
Christ, this is a jokes thread, lighten up
Just because something is a joke doesn't mean it can't be deemed offensive by some.
I got some heaven in my head
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 19:01:52
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Not sure why that joke would be offensive. I've seen some recently that made me roll my eyes and swear off reading jokes by a certain forum member, but none that made me think somebody had crossed a line. Now, if somebody posted a racist joke or something, I'd raise a mighty stink, but this one is pretty harmless in my book. To each his own, I guess.
 Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 19:18:43
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quote:
Originally posted by coastline
Not sure why that joke would be offensive. I've seen some recently that made me roll my eyes and swear off reading jokes by a certain forum member, but none that made me think somebody had crossed a line. Now, if somebody posted a racist joke or something, I'd raise a mighty stink, but this one is pretty harmless in my book. To each his own, I guess.
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs.
They made your eyes roll becuase they were bad jokes or jokes made in bad taste?
Hope I am not the Forum member you are you referring to - be honest |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2007 : 23:14:47
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To answer your question, Srisaket, I was referring to an issue of taste. But taste is a personal thing, isn't it? Like I said, I don't think anybody has crossed the line in this thread. But I sometimes wish somebody would -- that could get pretty exciting!
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 05:53:02
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American maple syrup.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 07:50:53
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Tasteless, homers. Utterly fucking tasteless.
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 11:35:49
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quote:
Originally posted by coastline
I've seen some recently that made me roll my eyes and swear off reading jokes by a certain forum member
was it my psychic midget joke? |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 12:04:14
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did you hear the one about the gay midget?
he came out of the cupboard. <ba-dum-bum>
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 12:06:17
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as the gay midget i am, i'm gonna have to say that's pretty offensive.
But not really.
Note: Mr. BDH is in no way homosexual or a midget. Thank you. |
Edited by - mr.biscuitdoughhead on 07/05/2007 12:08:22 |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 12:54:02
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quote:
Originally posted by s_wrenn
Heard this one last week:
A woman walks in to a grocery store. After slowly trolling up and down the aisles she takes her items to the cashier.
She has one banana, a pint of milk and a mini pizza
The male shop assistant checks the items through and asks “single?”
“How did you know?” The woman says
“Because you‘re fucking ugly” replies the shop assistant.
I cannot understand why this joke could possibly be construed as offensive at all. What I found funny about the joke is that it surprised me by the obvious answer. I thought the shop assistant's answer would have something to do with the banana and the milk or something. It's not clever at all, and that's why it's funny.
I suppose it stereotypes men as being shallow and could be offensive to ugly women. I guess the joke needs a disclaimer in that case: Plenty of ugly people get married and have rich, meaningful lives. |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 13:51:36
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This one's for kathryn:
Q. Why do women wear perfume and make-up?
A: Because they're ugly and they smell.
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 14:10:37
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Ice Cream, did you just call me ugly?
Denis, did you just make a joke about smelling?
I got some heaven in my head
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 07/05/2007 : 21:52:19
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A boy's father is on his deathbed. The boy is in the hospital visiting him.
The father says, "Son, before I die, there's one thing I want you to know."
The boy asks, "What is it, dad?"
The father then pulls down his pants and reveals a tattoo of an army tank on his left testicle.
The boy asks, "Um, Dad? What the fuck?"
The father exclaims "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"!
Then he dies. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2007 : 05:01:22
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quote:
Originally posted by coastline
Tasteless, homers. Utterly fucking tasteless.
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs.
Indeed.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
