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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
 Posted - 08/10/2007 : 21:22:03
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Joke of the day!
"Islamic Jihadists wish with all their hearts to kill us because we don't succumb to their particular view of Islam. We know this because they tell us...repeatedly."
Dallas' told me this one in the 9/11 thread.
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http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 08/13/2007 : 09:32:43
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her theGovernment. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up tocheck on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the doorlocked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with thenanny. He gives up and goes back to bed ..
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think Iunderstand the concept of politics now. " The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you thinkpolitics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doo doo."
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I've seen blue you've never seen |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2007 : 14:43:29
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An English man, Irish man and a Scots man are all discussing their families. The Englishman says "My son was born on st Georges day so we naturally called him George", the Scotsman says "What a coincidence my son was born on st Andrews day and we named him Andrew". The Irish man says "I don't believe this, wait 'til I get home and tell our pancake".
"The arc of triumph" |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2007 : 15:05:37
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A Welsh man is walking through the field and sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hands. The Welsh man shouts
"Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr" [Translated is 'Don't drink the water, it's full of cow sh*t']
The man shouts back,
"I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".
The Welsh man shouts back,
"Use both hands. You'll get more in".
"The arc of triumph" |
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2007 : 19:46:00
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BRISBANE CABBY
One rainy spring night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Milton Road", answered the woman.
"OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"
"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2007 : 14:30:20
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What KoK? I'd say she pretty much nailed it.
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 09/14/2007 : 03:46:24
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A gang member is holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife is in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmurs "mother". The guy gets all excited and hollers to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 09/15/2007 : 09:41:36
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I fell asleep outside an Irish Synagogue, and woke up under The Foggy Jew.
Sorry.
"I hate how the reptile dreams it's a mammal. Scaley monster: be what you are!!" - Erebus. |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 09/15/2007 : 13:44:49
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I get the foggy dew part but not the Irish synagogue. Pls. explain.
the cure make me want to die, but in a good way -- mr.biscuitdoughhead
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 09/15/2007 : 20:10:13
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Ireland
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 09/20/2007 : 02:19:34
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SWEETS – (A REALLY BAD JOKE)
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 09/21/2007 : 16:21:02
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Haha!!
And then they had a bit of Rowntree's Fruit Pastels! Er....
"I hate how the reptile dreams it's a mammal. Scaley monster: be what you are!!" - Erebus. |
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Srisaket
= Cult of Ray =
Thailand
313 Posts |
Posted - 09/25/2007 : 20:21:32
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CANADIAN BEGGARS
Bruce and Sean are both Canadian beggars at several Interstate entrances in Los Angeles
Bruce drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Sean only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Sean asks Bruce how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $50 notes every day.
Bruce says; Look at your sign, It says, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support”. Yanks who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money.
You will still have no job and a large family.
Now look at my sign.
So Sean looks and Bruce's sign reads:
"I only need another $10 to move back to Toronto"
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2007 : 13:40:26
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Once upon a time there was an old lady that lived in a nursing home. She was becoming pretty senile in her later years and had recently made a habit of spending her days walking the halls of the nursing home wearing only a johnny and her slippers. When she would encounter other patients or staff in the hallway she would lift up her johnny and exclaim "SUUUUU-PER PUSSY!" Much to the dismay of the people she encountered. One day while shuffling along SUUUUU-PER PUSSY-ing this patient or that she finally makes her way into the room of this 90 year old man who's lying in bed watching tv. She shuffles over to his bed, raises her johnny and exclaims "SUUUUU-PER PUSSY!" The old man leans over, takes a good look and says.... "I'll take the soup!"
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The Disillusionaries: Four Public Awareness Questions http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmBgrboeoy8 |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2007 : 13:49:36
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Been waiting for the punchline for a day or two now, KOK. It was totally worth it, too.
 Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2007 : 14:17:12
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Kind of hard to type that one out. Maybe it should be "SUUUP-ER PUSSY!"?
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The Disillusionaries: Four Public Awareness Questions http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmBgrboeoy8 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2007 : 04:49:46
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Probably, but people should still get it.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2009 : 12:42:01
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Hey, let's revive this thread.
Um, I can't remember any good jokes.
Anybody?
I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 04/23/2009 : 13:14:02
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Q: What do you call a flatulent boxer?
A: Gaseous Clay. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 04/24/2009 : 21:01:57
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quote:
Originally posted by Carl
Q: What do you call a flatulent boxer?
A: Gaseous Clay.
that joke stinks.
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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Jose Jones
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1758 Posts |
Posted - 04/25/2009 : 10:38:27
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what has 8 legs and likes to fuck?
a spider.
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they were the heroes of old, men of renown. |
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trobrianders
> Teenager of the Year <
Papua New Guinea
3302 Posts |
Posted - 04/26/2009 : 01:29:07
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My nephew likes this one; What's brown and sticky? A stick. He laughed so hard. He's young.
My favorite's by Steven Wright. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Ed is the hoo hoo |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 04/29/2009 : 07:46:24
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THE LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to
see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work, " the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a
romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 04/30/2009 : 18:58:48
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2009 : 11:45:36
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How do you get 25 Canadians out of a pool?
You say, "out of the pool, everybody."
I remember sitting in a basement listening to Fields of Marigold until I passed out.
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trobrianders
> Teenager of the Year <
Papua New Guinea
3302 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2009 : 12:30:59
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The same joke whispered over your left shoulder
How do you get 25 Americans out of a pool?
You start shooting.
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Ed is the hoo hoo |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2009 : 17:19:53
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Oh my!
I remember sitting in a basement listening to Fields of Marigold until I passed out.
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trobrianders
> Teenager of the Year <
Papua New Guinea
3302 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2009 : 21:57:32
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I've been trying to figure out why the Canadian version is funny and and the other is utterly tasteless, when they both need each other to exist at all. Maybe the Canadian version can only be as funny as the American version is tasteless.
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Ed is the hoo hoo |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 05/02/2009 : 07:13:50
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I don't know that the U.S. one's tasteless.
I'm no expert at analyzing humor but perhaps what makes the first one funny is the recognition of the endearing, inadvertent dorkiness and genteelness that defines most Canadians, a mockable but positive trait. Whereas the joke about Americans references a generalization about them that's not positive.
I remember sitting in a basement listening to Fields of Marigold until I passed out.
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Edited by - kathryn on 05/02/2009 07:14:50 |
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trobrianders
> Teenager of the Year <
Papua New Guinea
3302 Posts |
Posted - 05/02/2009 : 08:12:05
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quote:
Originally posted by kathryn
endearing, inadvertent dorkiness and genteelness that defines most Canadians
I remember sitting in a basement listening to Fields of Marigold until I passed out.
That made me laugh in and of itself  , I know a few you see.
I see now how the joke stands alone as well as in contrast to how civil behaviour differs across the border. I guess I was thinking of that part in Bowling for Columbine when Moore interviewed a bunch of endearing, inadvertently dorky and genteel Canadians.
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Ed is the hoo hoo |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 05/02/2009 : 16:53:13
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I'm sure this one's been done to death, but I'm just aiming to get the ball rolling:
ME: Dr. Steinberg, would you believe me if I told you I had a friend who was 7 foot 5?
DR. STEINBERG: Of course not. You don't have any friends. |
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trobrianders
> Teenager of the Year <
Papua New Guinea
3302 Posts |
Posted - 05/03/2009 : 23:38:08
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How did the intruder get into the house?
Intruder window.
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Ed is the hoo hoo |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2009 : 11:34:22
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One morning, three Newfoundlanders and three Albertans were in a ticket Counter line at a train station. The three Albertans each bought a ticket and watched as the three Newfies Bought just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one Of the Albertans. 'Watch and learn,' answered one of the Newfies.
All six boarded the train where the three Albertans sat down, but the Three Newfies crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect Tickets.He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.'The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in Hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Albertans saw this happen and Agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and Save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single Ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment,the Three Newfies didn't buy even one ticket!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Albertan. 'Watch and learn,' answered the three Newfie boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Albertans crammed themselves into a Toilet and the three Newfies crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Newfies left the toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Albertans were hiding. The Newfie knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
Edited by - shineoftheever on 05/22/2009 11:34:48 |
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
