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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
 Posted - 02/09/2007 : 10:55:16
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Ha! I like those. I might tell a couple of them just to see people's reactions. It's like the joke is that there is no joke.
"The arc of triumph" |
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mrgrieves1971
= Cult of Ray =
USA
544 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 14:10:03
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Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Fuck her. |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
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tisasawath
= Cult of Ray =
Wallis and Futuna Islands
783 Posts |
Posted - 02/10/2007 : 02:20:36
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A guy wearing a yellow raincoat is standing on a pier watching the sea. Another guy in a raincoat comes and they both observe the ocean. An hour passes.
An oil tanker appears as a tiny dot in the far right-hand side of the view, very slowly making its way accross the horizon.
The first guy says: "How much?"
The second guy: "Twelve."
The tanker slowly moves in the distance, its form getting a bit more discernible as it slowly goes by, still far at sea. The sun is gradually setting. The dot that is the tanker gets smaller and smaller and eventually disappears from view.
Time passes. The sun slowly sinks.
The first guy pauses for a half-hour, then says: "Twelve what?"
And the second guy says: "How much what?"
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AAAAWWWWWRRRIIGGHHTTTTT !! ! |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 10:59:22
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that."
"The arc of triumph" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2007 : 13:45:09
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Haha, I like.
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 02/18/2007 : 13:26:46
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Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
"The arc of triumph" |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 02:50:24
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From today's edition of ironictimes.com:
Stem Cell Technique Helps Women Grow Own Breast Implants
Breakthrough could end all debate on stem cells.
Mexican Biologist Discovers 40 Dinosaur Footprints in Desert
Headed north.
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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tisasawath
= Cult of Ray =
Wallis and Futuna Islands
783 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 03:35:09
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what do an elephant and a lemon have in common?
they're both yellow except the elephant
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AAAAWWWWWRRRIIGGHHTTTTT !! ! |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 04:08:56
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Love it, tisasawath. Love the slow-motion one above, too.
 Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2007 : 05:43:28
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Want did 007's mother say when she gave birth to him?
"Ah, Mr. Bond, I've been expecting you!" |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2007 : 08:56:20
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A boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl in her full glory.
He runs out to tell his father. He asks his father "What's that big gash between mommy's legs?"
The father replies, "That's where I accidentally hit her with an axe!"
The boy replies "WOW, you got her right in the cunt!"
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2007 : 08:58:08
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That's just wrong.
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2007 : 09:13:41
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That's just funny.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2007 : 09:13:55
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Ha! Good one Denis!
"The arc of triumph" |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2007 : 11:37:09
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets
on her knees and blows it right back up."
"The arc of triumph" |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2007 : 07:43:18
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A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc".
"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc.
"No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
" Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".
"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc.
"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2007 : 09:40:37
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Another good one Denis.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2007 : 12:08:48
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A man came home from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight.
While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted;
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money." "He paid for the Corvette I bought for you." "He
paid for our new cabin cruiser." "He paid for your season Pittsburgh
Steelers Tickets." "He paid for our house at the lake." "He paid for
our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He
looked over at the cab driver and said; "What would you do?" The
cabby said; "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a
cold."
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2007 : 06:00:54
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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry," "Yellow.........lemon," "Green..........lime," "Orange.........orange,"
Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God! They're assholes!"
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2007 : 06:05:24
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Today be my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment!
Monf after monf, year after year, all those payments! So I call my baby girl, La Keesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to
yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be
gettin' from me. I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."
So my baby girl take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like. Baby girl walk through the door, I
say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and to watch the 'spression on yo face!
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awestruck
= Cult of Ray =
USA
377 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2007 : 07:31:53
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| Thanks for keeping me awake during class, kfs. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2007 : 15:13:59
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quote:
Originally posted by kfs
Today be my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment!
Monf after monf, year after year, all those payments! So I call my baby girl, La Keesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to
yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be
gettin' from me. I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."
So my baby girl take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like. Baby girl walk through the door, I
say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and to watch the 'spression on yo face!
Racist!
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2007 : 15:30:58
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| I'm sorry. Forgive me? |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2007 : 23:53:29
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Uh yeah, the joke would've been better without the racist overtones. But it was still funny. Keep them coming, kfs.
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 03:03:14
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I don't get what's racist about it?
"The arc of triumph" |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 03:34:34
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Through use of language it's implying that the family in question is black. At least, that's how it seems to me. I don't really understand the motive behind that as it makes no difference to whether the joke is funny or not. I can only guess it was taken from a black comedian's website or something.
 Numberwang? |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 05:04:08
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quote:
Originally posted by kfs
I'm sorry. Forgive me?
OK.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2007 : 00:14:27
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My brother (who's in the navy and has been on an aircraft carrier since OCTOBER, btw) sent those most recent ones to me so blame him.
Plenty more where those came from. |
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OLDMANOTY
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
469 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2007 : 00:41:17
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How many Frank Black fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change it and two to discuss how they preferred his earlier lightbulb-changing technique. |
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2007 : 08:46:53
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Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips
> that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
>
> The iBoob is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are
> always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not
> listening to them.
>
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2007 : 05:37:51
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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely
packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, he
asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man
jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord,
play a jazz chord".
A bit pi**ed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The
little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz
chord".
Well and truly pi**ed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart arse. You
get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing .....
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" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2007 : 05:46:29
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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over.
"I want to see the cock-sucking, mother fucking boss NOW" he says.
The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".
The manager comes over to the bloke and the bloke says "Are you the mother fucking chicken manager of this bastard joint?"
"Yes sir I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer you not to use that kind of lanuage in this restaurant, as there are private parties and clients entertaining in here".
The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fuckin piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.
"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid horse ridden shit?"
"Ah", says the manager, "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper".
"Too fucking right I have" the bloke replies.
The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone.
"Can you play any blues?" the manager asks.
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard.
"Thats superb" gasps the manager, "What is it called?"
The bloke replies "I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock end".
The manager is a bit disturbed.
"Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks the manager a bit perplexed.
The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Absolutely magnificient" cries the manager, "What is it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer" replies the bloke.
The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one.
"Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered.
The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever.
"That was marvellous, so moving" snivelled the manager. "What is that one called?"
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece" replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved by this music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any of his songs. The bloke accepts.
The arrangement goes marvellous for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the dining room in the restaurant and goes up to the staff toilets. Strangely enough, there is a magazine stuffed behind the toilet seat. The bloke retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift chug and as he was shooting his load he heard the manager shouting "Where the fuck is the pianist, has anyone seen him?"
The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Do you know, your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling jiz all over your shoes?"
"Know it??? I fucking wrote it!"
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2007 : 06:41:27
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I like that one! 
"The arc of triumph" |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2007 : 14:43:08
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Last night I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of
which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the
door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you
doing?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah,
not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So,
what are you up to mate?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what
to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time .....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead
in the loo next to me answering everything I say."
"The arc of triumph" |
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JOKES!!!
