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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
 Posted - 01/25/2007 : 13:14:50
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Apparently from February 2007 Viagra will only be available by it's Chemical name.........
Please ask your chemist for - Mycoxafloppin
"The arc of triumph" |
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 13:38:55
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hehe...that's funny pixiestu!
*********************************************************************
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I know, I just don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2007 : 07:43:18
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
I just got this one! Hehe
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2007 : 08:03:54
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I kinda feel bad about this but...
What do you call a dog with wings?
Linda McCartney
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2007 : 08:43:29
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Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
Well, that is wonderful." the husband says.
The wife then says,
"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up
his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there.
In the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and heard him say,
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Kees
- FB Fan -
Netherlands
16 Posts |
Posted - 01/27/2007 : 17:28:07
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Why does the Mexican Olympic team suck?
Because all Mexicans that can either run fast or jump far are already in the United States... |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2007 : 14:00:08
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A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomit. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, that what is it?"
"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."
reminds me of my youth when kids would try to outgross each other... ah, memories
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2007 : 14:17:08
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Eewwww! Disgusting!
"The arc of triumph" |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2007 : 14:59:08
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| I'm glad I finished my Petits Filous before reading the punchline! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2007 : 04:41:49
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I'm still gonna finish this curry.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 13:45:53
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person A: Hey, how are you?
person B: Yeah, im ok...just i have been stuck on this one crossword for ages!
A: whats the clue?
B: Busy Postman
A: How Many Letters?
B: Too many! 
"I'm not much like my generation,
Their music only hurts my ears" ~ Kasey Chambers |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 13:51:13
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
Beautiful.
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 14:19:07
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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the
mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too
small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not
so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your
breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the
wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will
this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period
of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think
rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every
day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without
missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt,
didn't it?"
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 14:33:20
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One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and
announced that she had learned where babies come from. The mother was amused and
said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl then explained, "Well ... the mommy and daddy take off all of
their clothes and the daddy's wiener stands way up high and the mommy kneels on
the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener
sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the
mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where babies come from."
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye
and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from ...
that's where jewelry comes from."
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 14:44:22
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A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's
collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our
cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God."
The rabbi continues, “And looks at this. Here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to
the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on,
and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 14:47:48
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After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country
for America returns to visit the family.
"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his
ear, "Isaac, please tell me you’re still circumcised."
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 14:58:21
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Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. one is crying. the other asks what's wrong. the crying drunk says, "i've puked all over myself again and my wife's gonna kill me. what do i do pal?" The one drunk offers this advice: "explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned." "Sound like a great idea," says the crying drunk. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, "look for you, there's ten bucks in my pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "wait a minute, i thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," say the drunk, "but he shit in my pants too!"
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 02/03/2007 : 03:47:05
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quote:
Originally posted by edbanky
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's
collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our
cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God."
The rabbi continues, “And looks at this. Here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to
the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on,
and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing
Brilliant!
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2007 : 15:06:19
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My therapist told me this one:
So there's this guy at a museum looking at this impressionist painting. It's called "Custer's last stand" and he can;t figure it out. There's this lake and a big fish kinda floating in the air above it, glowing light around it, like a halo. Down on the edge of the lake there's all these Indians in all kinds of crazy positions, just screwing each other like rabbits. The poor guy just stands there thinking "Custer's last stand???". So he grabs a guy who gets the curator and he asks him to help. The curator's like, "you mean you seriously don't see it?" "Well, no," the guy says. So the curator says:
"Holy mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!"
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2007 : 11:39:35
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| Ed, you should be on the proverbial stage! |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2007 : 16:40:18
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Thank you, thank you. My therapist will be here for 50 minutes. Thank you very much.
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2007 : 17:00:30
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Ed, are these off the top of your head or are you pasting them from a joke-a-day site? They're great. I'd pay you to tell me one every day.
 Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 04:40:16
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No, I wasn't suggesting you made them up, but that you remembered them, as oppsosed to grabbing them off a website.
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 04:48:30
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I NEVER remember jokes since I was a kid. I guess when I was a kid, I had nothing else to remember, except who was winning in my latest Star Wars action figure battle.
All the ones I post here now, are ones I get sent by email. I'd rather post them here than forward on the email.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 10:55:52
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quote:
Originally posted by edbanky
No, no. None of these are originals!
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing
Yeah. Some of them, like the last one, were from memory. So, you know, I have to try not to screw up the delivery. Delivery is <i>everything</i> in my opinion. It's why I think Letterman is/was so hilarious. He could deliver unfunny and make it uproarious.
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 11:58:26
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Two eggs, four strips of bacon and some hashbrowns walk into a bar. The bartender says: I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast.
That's my second-favorite joke ever. Here's my favorite:
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: Why the long face?
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 12:41:35
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Ever heard this one?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: Why the long face? The horse says: My wife has died.
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 14:50:34
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quote:
Originally posted by vilainde
Ever heard this one?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: Why the long face? The horse says: My wife has died.
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say."
I like mine better. It leaves people wondering where the hell the joke is. And that makes ME laugh every single time. And then they laugh, possibly out of pity, or possibly because I'm a genius comic.
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 15:08:48
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yeah but yours was an old boring joke to be fair. vilainde's has a lovely twist to it
FAST_MAN RAIDER_MAN - June 19th |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2007 : 15:11:10
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Old, maybe. Boring? Never! Gets better every time.
Please pardon me, for these my wrongs. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2007 : 05:46:04
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quote:
Originally posted by Cheeseman1000
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/jokes.html
 Numberwang?
Good one.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2007 : 10:15:09
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I heard a great joke this morning.....
but I can't remember it |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2007 : 10:19:55
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A few more from http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/jokes.html - ok, most of them:
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
+++++
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
+++++
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
+++++
(for floop [for some reason])
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."
The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit."
+++++
How can you tell when an Essex girl wants sex?
She displays signs of arousal, such as enlargement of the clitoris and swelling of the labia.
+++++
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
+++++
What's the difference between a rottweiler and a poodle?
There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.
+++++
What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule.
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
