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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
 Posted - 11/13/2006 : 15:06:09
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FAST_MAN RAIDER_MAN - June 19th |
Edited by - PixieSteve on 11/13/2006 15:06:28 |
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Crispy Water
= Cult of Ray =
Canada
819 Posts |
Posted - 11/14/2006 : 21:10:03
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quote:
Originally posted by shineoftheever
did anybody get the joke steve albini told about the beekeeper in the loudQUIETloud deleted scene? it went something like this...
two guys were talking and one discovered the other had a hobby, it was keeping bees. the one guy asked his friend "how many bees do you have"? his friend replied "50,000". "50,000!! where do you keep them all, you've only got a one-bedroom apartment". his friend replied in a shoebox in the closet. then kim and the dude that was interviewing her looked as confused as i am/was and you probably are. any help here?
a giraffe walks into a bar and says "highballs are on me"
That bee joke ends with the guy asking, "How can you possibly keep them all in a shoebox in your closet?" The friend says, "Fuck 'em, they're just bees."
I think this is the funniest joke I've heard in a long time; the humour comes from the fact that the guy is asking how they can fit in the shoebox while the friend ostensibly believes the question is regarding the cruelty of keeping 50,000 bees in a confined area. His attitude is that bees aren't worth treating with dignity. I've been bugging everyone I know with this joke ever since I heard it.
Nothing is ever something. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/15/2006 : 04:55:17
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quote:
Originally posted by Crispy Water
quote:
Originally posted by shineoftheever
did anybody get the joke steve albini told about the beekeeper in the loudQUIETloud deleted scene? it went something like this...
two guys were talking and one discovered the other had a hobby, it was keeping bees. the one guy asked his friend "how many bees do you have"? his friend replied "50,000". "50,000!! where do you keep them all, you've only got a one-bedroom apartment". his friend replied in a shoebox in the closet. then kim and the dude that was interviewing her looked as confused as i am/was and you probably are. any help here?
a giraffe walks into a bar and says "highballs are on me"
I've been bugging everyone I know with this joke ever since I heard it.
Very droll.
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 11/15/2006 : 05:15:14
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i still like my punch-line-free analysis.
FAST_MAN RAIDER_MAN - June 19th |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 11/15/2006 : 09:08:40
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
"The arc of triumph" |
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Jason
* Dog in the Sand *
1446 Posts |
Posted - 11/15/2006 : 10:16:17
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An 8 year old boy is playing outside alone. On the ground, he finds a welder's mask. He puts it on and runs around, flipping the mask up and down, pretending to be somebody out of Star Wars or something.
A 40 year old man drives up to where to the boy is playing and rolls down his window. "Do you want to go for a ride?" the older man asks. "Sure!" the boy says and he climbs into the car.
In the car, heading down the street, the 40 year old man asks the boy, "Son, do you know what sodomy is?"
"Nope", the boy replies.
"Do you know what a blowjob is?", asks the man.
"Nope!" said the boy.
"Do you know what a pedophile is?"
Finally the boy looks at the man, flips the mask up and says, "Look mister, I'm not really a welder!" |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 11/16/2006 : 13:37:21
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A family ( mother, father, son and daughter) are sitting around the dinner table when the son asks, "Dad, what different kinds of boobies are there?" The father replies "well, from ages 20-30 they are like melons, nice and firm and round. From ages 30-40 they are like pears, a little droopy looking but still very nice. And from 40 up they are like onions."
The son asks, " why onions?" The father answers, " Because everytime you look at them, they make you wanna cry."
The mother and daughter are not too impressed. So, the daughter asks the mother, " Mom, what kinds of penis's are there?" The mother answers, Well, from 20-30 they are like oak trees, strong, hard and dependable (good wood). From 30-40 they are like birch trees, a little flexible but still reliable. From 40 up they are like Christmas trees."
The daughter asks, " Why Christmas trees?" The mother replies, " dead from the root up and the balls are just there for decoration."
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2006 : 04:45:29
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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into
Asda in Dundee with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at
them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda
Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger
one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya d!ckead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would shag you twice!"
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2006 : 04:46:04
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>Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
>
>Mick says "how you doin?"
>
>Paddy says "do us a favour, nip upstairs and get my slippers, my feet are
>freezing."
>
>Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
>sitting on the bed.
>
>He says "your dads sent me up here to shag the both of you " .
>
>They say "get away with ya.. prove it."
>
>Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"
>
>Paddy shouts back "of course both of em, what's the point of f#ckin one?"
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2006 : 08:17:48
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George Foreman used to be a sailor. He had a grill in every port.
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2006 : 04:10:02
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the restof me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast ofthe night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 12/12/2006 : 10:13:59
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When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon she found the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and Tom on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day.
She yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!"
"Wow," Tom said, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!"
Denis
"Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole. Not like you." |
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2006 : 10:11:56
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Did ya hear about baby Jesus?
He's in stable condition.
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TRANSMARINE
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
2002 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2006 : 10:26:53
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Where do math teachers like to eat?
At the times tables.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
His name is Dalton. He's got a degree in philosophy.
-bRIAN |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 12/20/2006 : 04:21:26
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by
Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this
holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and
pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents
a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly
gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket
and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through
the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately
through his pockets and finally pulled out a
pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those
symbolize?
The man replied," "These are Carols."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 12/20/2006 : 13:06:33
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Haha. Hoo boy.
Homers, ladies and gentlemen, he'll be here all through Christmas!
 Merry Christmas! |
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MHokkane
- FB Fan -
USA
56 Posts |
Posted - 12/20/2006 : 15:12:16
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WHAT HAS 7 ARMS AND SUCKS??
DEF LEPPARD |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 12/20/2006 : 23:34:38
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heheh
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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hammerhands
* Dog in the Sand *
Canada
1594 Posts |
Posted - 12/29/2006 : 03:11:08
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This is the epigraph of the book The How and Why of Guitar Tube Amps as "Gar" Sees It, by Gar Gillies, my friend and a man I greatly admired, who has just passed away.
My favorite joke:
My friend Joe's wife had just died unexpectedly.
After the funeral, I was walking home with Joe to comfort him.
Through his tears Joe said: You know Gar, I'll always remember her last words.
Really Joe, and what were they?
Pass me a fork please, my toast is stuck in the toaster. |
Edited by - hammerhands on 12/29/2006 03:22:00 |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2006 : 08:08:55
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Sorry to hear that, hammerhands. RIP.
Merry Christmas! |
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mcil
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
148 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2006 : 09:03:37
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What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Being Raped
What's black and blue and doesn;t like sex?
The child locked in my basement
Sorry if I offended anyone
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http://www.myspace.com/mcil13 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/18/2007 : 05:17:50
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Not a joke as such, but still very funny.
The Wit And Wisdom Of Homer J. Simpson
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddy's, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. -Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good, night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing!? How could you?? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church?? Captain what's-his-name?"
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 01/18/2007 : 10:34:40
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"Ooh, a fresh batch of America balls!"
In the episode where the family is watching Lisa play hockey, Marge admonishes Homer and Bart for laughing because she's afraid of the puck:
Homer: "We're laughing with her Marge. There's a big difference.
Lisa: "Ahh!"
(Homer and Bart laugh again)
Homer: "-With her." |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 01/18/2007 : 18:49:50
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'"
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
I have my own version of this:
I said, "Um, 36-D?"
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 01/18/2007 : 19:39:15
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From memory; probably seriously mucked some integral details.
A kindly minister at a church took pity upon a poor, armless blind man who appeared to be without food or shelter. Unfortunately the man was unwilling to accept "free" charity, and insisted upon providing some service in return. Being armless and blind, the man's prospects were slim. However, the minister finally had what he considered to be an excellent idea. The bell-ringing rope had been destroyed in a recent fire, and the bells had not rung for weeks. Within hours, the poor man had taken up his position as church bell-ringer. Having a thickly calloused face from countless bumps into solid objects, this area of his body served as the perfect bell ringing apparatus. The man would simply make a running start and run face first into the bells, causing them to peal vigorously. On one tragic rainy morning, however, the man slipped on a puddle of water, missed the bells and plunged several stories down, hitting the concrete below, instantly dead. The members of the congregation quickly gathered around the mangled body. One befuddled onlooker asked absently "Does anyone know who this poor man is?" From a few rows back in the crowd, and man moved forward: "You know, his name escapes me at the moment, but his face rings a bell."
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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edbanky
= Cult of Ray =
Burkina Faso (Upper Volta)
388 Posts |
Posted - 01/18/2007 : 19:44:26
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A 12-year-old girl walks into the family barbershop, holding a big chocolate chip cookie. She refuses to put it away and the barber begins cutting her hair. He quickly notices a problem: "Honey, you know you're getting hair on your cookie". "I know," she replies. "I'm starting to grow me some titties too!"
Tiny Axe (MySpace)
Me singing |
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kfs
= Cult of Ray =
USA
889 Posts |
Posted - 01/23/2007 : 11:16:52
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A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice
fire truck, the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her
wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 04:46:42
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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 04:47:15
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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 04:48:02
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Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 04:48:52
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 05:12:52
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A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my boobs!"
Denis
"Can you hear me? I aint got shit to say." |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 07:28:45
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What have a defeated boxer and Van Helsing got in common?
They're both out for the count. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2007 : 08:14:10
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A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the
night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days event over a
couple of beers.
One questions the other two, "Listen, it's our wedding night and I was
wondering - how many times are we expected to... um... you know... Do
it".
Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see
how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over
breakfast to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our
first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new
wives sat with us."
"No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we
order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers
another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit
dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely
stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the
first groom to take his order "Hello, I'll have the full English
breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".
The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a
toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too
shall have the full English breakfast, but could I have FOUR pieces of
toast"
The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full English
breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN,
yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit whilst giving
a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in
disbelief at the thought how raw this old chap must be.
"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress.
"Why, that's an awful lot"
"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is."
She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the
groom calls after her again.
"And by the way love, can you make two of those brown!"
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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JOKES!!!
