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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
 Posted - 09/26/2006 : 02:09:43
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Just post a disclaimer next time for those people.
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2006 : 02:47:10
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This just never gets old, does it?
When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please."
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.
Denis
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2006 : 02:56:28
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Haha. It's always good to have a dose of Chuck Norris jokes to start the day. 
"The arc of triumph" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2006 : 03:24:33
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I particularly like the last two.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/23/2006 : 05:13:58
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Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crimefighting and
wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to
go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he
had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied
a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see
if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked
on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I
could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was
happening". So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and
flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?"
"No" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!".
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/23/2006 : 05:14:35
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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2006 : 05:03:56
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1. Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...if you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
24. Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2006 : 12:01:01
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Let's hear it for Homers, ladies and gentlemen! |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2006 : 14:03:20
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Is that ... Franklin?
He can tie his shoes, count by twos and do stand-up?
I love # 21.
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2006 : 14:29:59
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Thanks for the laugh Homers, my favourite...
quote:
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
"The arc of triumph" |
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HeywoodJablome
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1485 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2006 : 14:46:32
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What's green and flies over Poland?
Peter Panski
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
"No one cares about your shitty band." |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2006 : 14:59:33
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
"The arc of triumph" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/09/2006 : 05:18:08
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Haha, good one.
An yeah I loved that cricket one too.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 11/09/2006 : 05:34:45
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I didn't get it :(
Loved the Peter Panski though.
Denis
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/09/2006 : 05:56:21
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Well you'd have to understand cricket I guess.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/09/2006 : 06:36:19
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What's a cricketeer's favorite search engine?
Googley!
Sorry.
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 11/10/2006 : 06:23:44
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What's green and flies over Mexico?
Peter Pancho
Denis
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/10/2006 : 13:03:06
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What does an elephant wear when he goes swimming?
Trunks. Or 'ele-pants'. Or maybe not...
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2006 : 03:35:46
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Multiple choice jokes? There is a reason they have never caught on Carl ; )
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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fbc
-= Modulator =-
United Kingdom
4903 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2006 : 03:51:11
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2006 : 09:47:16
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Bono has successfully stolen Dubya's wallet!!
Yeah, Homers, if one punchline isn't funny, try the other one! ;)
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 04:45:53
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What if both aren't funny? ; )
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 04:47:12
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Then try this: What do you call a famous politcal figure who's always running to the toilet?
Henry Pissenger.
I'll get me coat....
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 04:50:11
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Leave it and just go.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 04:57:52
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But there's a piece of paper with some more of my jokes on it in the pocket!!
No, you're right, I'll just leave...
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 10:44:48
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Carl, your jokes are essential to this forum!!
"The arc of triumph" |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 11:52:34
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If you take the L out of Carl what do you get? Car. I hope he gets hit by one.
FAST_MAN RAIDER_MAN - June 19th |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 12:26:19
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did anybody get the joke steve albini told about the beekeeper in the loudQUIETloud deleted scene? it went something like this...
two guys were talking and one discovered the other had a hobby, it was keeping bees. the one guy asked his friend "how many bees do you have"? his friend replied "50,000". "50,000!! where do you keep them all, you've only got a one-bedroom apartment". his friend replied in a shoebox in the closet. then kim and the dude that was interviewing her looked as confused as i am/was and you probably are. any help here?
a giraffe walks into a bar and says "highballs are on me"
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 12:47:44
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maybe because it's very common for people to keep the things they collect in shoeboxes in cupboards. the joke is that someone even keeps bees in one.
not a very good joke though.
FAST_MAN RAIDER_MAN - June 19th |
Edited by - PixieSteve on 11/13/2006 12:49:45 |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 13:23:58
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quote:
Originally posted by PixieSteve
If you take the L out of Carl what do you get? Car. I hope he gets hit by one.
 That's real nice!!
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 13:31:25
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Sorry, you're not used to jokes that don't have smilies attached are you?
FAST_MAN RAIDER_MAN - June 19th |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 13:49:05
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Aw, it's  . I feel really  . I'm such a !
Now I really feel  .
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 14:13:03
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Sorry, I don't speak smiley.
is an adjective and a noun?
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fbc
-= Modulator =-
United Kingdom
4903 Posts |
Posted - 11/13/2006 : 14:37:53
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it is now.
Carl, you forgot one.  |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
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JOKES!!!
