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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
 Posted - 05/30/2006 : 06:23:06
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quote:
Originally posted by IceCream
A man has been trapped on a desert island for about 8 years when one day he sees a boat on the horizon - he quickly lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore and on board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.
"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."
"Eight years?" she says, "so its eight yerars since you last smoked a cuban cigar?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a zippo, and lights it for him. The man enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.
"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth, mellow and utterly delicious.
"So," she says, beginning to unzip the zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"
"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whisky and cigars, wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning; it's the middle of the night and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone, so terribly terribly alone...
HA! In your face Crusoe!
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 05/30/2006 : 09:55:32
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A dog came into the bar the other day and asked for a 'hair of the dog'. Oh how we laughed!!
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 09:59:21
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Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors and complains that he gets sexually aroused when looking in the mirror.
"I'm not surprised" said the doctor "You're a cunt!"
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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zippermouth29
- FB Fan -
Canada
40 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 13:02:45
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OK here's one:
Dean, Brian and Dave Noisy are driving down the freeway when they are struck by a sleeping semi-truck driver. They are immediatley killed and sent to hell. When they arrive in hell they are amazed to see that it is just hallway after hallway of clocks, each clock with someones name above it. They run into Satan and ask, "Satan, what is with all of the clocks?"
"Well.." he replied, "everytime you've masterbated in your life your clock does one revolution."
"That's neat." they reply and head off to find there clocks. They find Dean's clock and see that it has been around a few times and then head to find Brian's, realizing it too has made some revolutions. They look everywhere for Dave's clock but can't find it anywhere. Finnaly, they run into Satan again and ask, "Where is Dave's clock?, we can't find it anywhere."
"Oh," replies Satan, "We've got that one in the office were using it for a fan."
Forget your yin and go f*ck your yang. |
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a guy in a rover
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
535 Posts |
Posted - 07/06/2006 : 14:37:27
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Look away now if you are easily offended rather than having a go at me for posting sick jokes:
1.
Doctor : I've got some bad news and some even more bad news.
Man : I'll take the even more bad news
Doctor : I'm afraid you have AIDS.
Man : Shit. So what's the bad news?
Doctor : You have Alzheimers.
Man : Phew, well at least I haven't got AIDS.
2.
Doctor : Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Man : Give me the bad news first.
Doctor : Your baby son was born with ginger hair.
Man : My God. Whats the good news then?
Doctor : He died twenty minutes ago.
3.
Q.What have women and KFC got in common?
A. Once you're done with the legs and the breasts, all you've got left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.
4.
Q. What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?
A. Cancer
Kiss my ring...I am the greatest
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/07/2006 : 05:45:05
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Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F*ck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?"
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 07/07/2006 : 08:29:01
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Haha. Some good jokes there. Keep the Cristiano Ronaldo ones coming!
"The arc of triumph" |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/07/2006 : 20:31:43
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Some Steven Wright
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
-----------------------------supa cereal, m@x 2 da m1nimal.----------------------------- |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2006 : 05:30:41
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Housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s*** again."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2006 : 05:31:43
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I woke up this morning and there was a man
stealing my gate.
I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2006 : 05:33:12
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Saddam Hussein is found guilty, sentenced to be shot. His last request is to name his own firing squad.
He chose Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards!
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Edited by - Homers_pet_monkey on 07/11/2006 10:43:09 |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2006 : 07:42:16
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
I woke up this morning and there was a man
stealing my gate.
I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.
This one's so bad it's almost funny!
"The arc of triumph" |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2006 : 22:32:52
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quote:
Originally posted by mr.biscuitdoughhead
Some Steven Wright
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
-----------------------------supa cereal, m@x 2 da m1nimal.-----------------------------
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. It really pisses me off. Every once in a while I'll walk to a baby and say, "What are you doing here? You've never worked a day in your life. You don't belong here!"
Driving just hasn't been the same since I installed my funhouse rear-view mirror.
I'm living on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got there. |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 00:03:53
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Has anyone else heard that the Italian* national team lost their Adidas clothing sponsorship?
Not to worry, though. Speedo will be taking their place next year.
* name your team here
Denis
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 09:34:38
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My favorite:
Q:What do you call a psychic midget that just robbed a bank?
A:A small medium at large.
Something stupid I just thought of yesterday:
"I still beleive in Santa Clause, I just don't beleive in Tim Allen."
Something Franz said:
"You don't beleive in Santa Clause?! I'm telling the Tooth Fairy!!"
"Hank's not gay! He just likes guys!"
Q:How do you keep and idiot in suspense?
A:I'll tell you later.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? |
Edited by - mr.biscuitdoughhead on 07/12/2006 09:46:29 |
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 12:21:02
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People probably heard this already, but:
Sophie Ellis Bexter was found headbutted to death in a French soccer players hotel room today.
Police say it was "murder on Zidanes floor"
Seán Says: You haven't lived until you've dueled with a midget
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 18:12:45
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Hmmm....haha!!
Join the Cult Of Pob! And don't forget to listen to the Pobcast! |
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2006 : 18:19:22
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I doubt most people know that song
Seán Says: You haven't lived until you've dueled with a midget
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2006 : 04:34:54
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Did you hear about the scarecrow who was awarded the Nobel Prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
"The arc of triumph" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/28/2006 : 04:47:48
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A Liverpool Love story
> >> > >
> >> > >A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end
> > her
> >> > life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks
> > and
> >> > was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young
> >> > sailor
> > saw
> >> > her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
> >> > >
> >> > >He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
> > "I'm
> >> > off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away
> >> > on
> > my
> >> > ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
> >> > >
> >> > >Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added,
> >> > >"I'll
> >> keep
> >> > you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded "Yes", after
> >> > all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America
> >> > would give
> > her
> >> > life new meaning.
> >> > >
> >> > >That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
> > From
> >> > then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
> > fruit,
> >> > and they made passionate love until dawn.
> >> > >
> >> > >Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
> > the
> >> > captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
> >> > arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "I get food and
> >> > a
> >> trip
> >> > to America, and he's screwing me."
> >> > >
> >> > >"He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 07/28/2006 : 04:51:00
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A woman was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." The husband, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her on the kitchen table. Afterward he says, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer's broken!"
Denis
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Llamadance
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2543 Posts |
Posted - 07/28/2006 : 05:11:04
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Two New York City social workers were walking through a rough
part of the city one evening. They heard moans and muted cries
for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-
conscious man in a pool of blood.
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to
her colleague,
"You know the person that did this really needs help."
What lies before us and what lies behind us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2006 : 20:07:47
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One I thought of a few days ago:
I prefer the Kentucky Derby to the Indy 900.
Don't be race-ist.
 "I was 22, I've had my share of views. I just can't steal that "happiness" from you..."
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2006 : 20:08:48
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quote:
Originally posted by pixiestu
Did you hear about the scarecrow who was awarded the Nobel Prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
"The arc of triumph"
Best one yet.
"I was 22, I've had my share of views. I just can't steal that "happiness" from you..."
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 07/30/2006 : 08:09:21
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I read that one in a newspaper. I thought it was so bad that is was worth posting. Some jokes are so bad that they're good.
"The arc of triumph" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2006 : 04:31:50
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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his
head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with
one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave........
Dave........
........you're a vet
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2006 : 04:57:14
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired .
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 09/01/2006 : 09:46:49
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Did you already post that? I think I read it before.
 Vote Biscuitdoughhead For Mayor!!!!! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 09/02/2006 : 07:55:42
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I have no idea, and I can't be bothered to go back and check all 12 previous pages to find out.
Just laugh will ya!
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 09/02/2006 : 08:18:25
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Okay here's one I just made up:
A parrot goes into a bar.
"What'll it be?" says the barman.
"Polly want's a cracker!" says the parrot.
"We don't serve crackers", says the barman.
"Well, in that case, I'll leave," says Billy Ray Cyrus (who was, er, just coming in).
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 09/02/2006 : 09:22:16
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Nice one Carl!
[grammar police]You put an extra apostraphe in "wants"[/grammar police]
[spelling police]I think I just spelled "apostraphe" wrong[/spelling police]
[punctuation police]I didn't put a period after either of my sentences.[/punctuation police]
Vote Biscuitdoughhead For Mayor!!!!! |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7446 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 01:29:55
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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"
Denis
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 10:13:02
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I don't drink, smoke, or swear.
Fuck it, I've left me fags in the pub!
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2006 : 22:02:25
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quote:
Originally posted by ObfuscateByWill
quote:
Originally posted by prozacrat
To Bedrock Barney and This Guy and whoever read that before I changed it, yeah. Bad. I had usually reserved that "joke" for when people have been trying to outdo each other's horrible "jokes" and I want to win and leave. But I haven't slept for a couple days. Judgment impared. Don't want anybody thinking that that thing reflects my personality. I'm gonna go home and sleep now.
Wait. I didn't have a chance to see the joke.
Re-post it!
*I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but I gave them all up when I realized I was flogging a dead horse.
I remember the joke. (It's been over 2 years now, and I still remember it. It goes to show you how impressionable the joke was.) I thought that the joke was hilarious. I love the irony of what happens and the understatement at the end. The following joke does not have the same wording as prozacrat's, but it conveys a similar message:
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?" |
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prozacrat
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1186 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2006 : 01:52:55
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That's a much more brief version of the joke I told. The priest factor seems a little cliche, but nonetheless makes it funnier. I guess that's what bad (good) jokes are all about. But I'm glad the joke made such an impression on you, IceCream. I still feel bad for offending some with it, though. Some people have sensitivities that I always try to respect, but it's hard to extend that courtesy on an online forum.
http://www.prozacrat.com
www.myspace.com/prozacrat |
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
