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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
 Posted - 02/01/2006 : 09:40:35
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Yesterday's newspaper is usually black, white and 'read' all over.
"The arc of triumph" |
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danjersey
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
2792 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2006 : 20:11:57
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a young man in the Army has lost his mother to death.
his platoon sargent is informed by the Captain,
" it's important that you to let the soldier down easy"
"YES SIR" says the Sargent.
AT OH six hundred hours the platoon has formed and the sargent speaks.
"Those of You with a Mother Alive..? take one Step forward......
NOT SO FAST there Private". |
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The Holiday Son
= Quote Accumulator =
France
2010 Posts |
Posted - 04/10/2006 : 06:54:10
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Little John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Grandma?"
Grandpa: "Yes, but only oral."
John: "What is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say 'Fuck you!', and she says: 'Fuck you too!'." |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2006 : 12:27:39
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My mood today has become notably sour, so it's time for a joke...
A wealthy douager (sp?) goes on an African safari for some reason, and of course she takes her poodle with her. One day while they're out trekking, the poodle is playing near the camp and finds some bones, so it starts chewing them. As it's chewing, it sees out of the corner of its eye a cheetah. Scared, it thinks to itself, "There's no way I can outrun the cheetah, I'd be dead in three seconds." So it continues on as if it hadn't seen the cheetah and then gets an idea. The cheetah gets closer, and closer, and within pouncing distance, when the poodle smacks its lips and says to itself, "That cheetah was great, but I'm still hungry. Maybe I'll see if I can find another one."
The cheetah, hearing this, sneaks off quickly. However a monkey saw the whole thing and figures he'll trade that piece of info to the cheetah for protection. Meanwhile, the poodle has seen the monkey leave and figures he's up to something but even so, he has nowhere to run or hide, so he has to think up a plan. He can't.
Meanwhile, the monkey tells the cheetah what happened. The cheetah is furious and sure enough goes back to teach the poodle a lesson. "Get on my back, monkey, let's go" So once again, the cheetah sneaks up on the poodle, who is still chewing away at the bones and pretending not to notice. They get closer, and the poodle says, loud enough for them to hear, "I should never trust that stupid monkey?! I sent him to get me another cheetah and he's still not back".
 "If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2006 : 13:01:06
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wouldn't it be better if each of these jokes had it's own thread?
"I don't have any money to buy new clothes and if they paid me to get some I'd probably buy more hoodies." - Mark Wainfur |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2006 : 13:50:42
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Why? Are we going to discuss the jokes? Will people be hunting for specific jokes through pages and pages? No. They would check the thread to read a joke and I doubt they care which one. Completely apples and oranges. Is any of this making sense yet?
"If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2006 : 13:58:50
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I don't get it
Denis
I love Guitar Wolf from the Erath! |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2006 : 14:03:54
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Either funniest joke I've read today or else I'm going to sob quietly in a corner shaking.
"If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2006 : 14:19:08
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It made me chuckle.
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2006 : 14:46:07
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I don't get it.
"The arc of triumph" |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2006 : 19:04:42
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Dean, that's possibly the silliest joke ever, but I like it!!
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2006 : 06:54:55
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I still don't get it.
"The arc of triumph" |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2006 : 07:26:35
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You don't get my joke Stu? Or are you riffing on Denis'?
"If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." |
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Stevio10
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1117 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2006 : 07:30:29
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| A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm whilst his wife is in bed. He says "This is the pig I fuck when you're not in the mood". His wife says, "Thats a sheep not a pig you moron!" The man says "I was talking to the sheep!" |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2006 : 07:33:33
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Haha, ouch.
"If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2006 : 07:39:52
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I really don't get the joke. I feel so stupid :-(
Oh hold on, does he say
"I should never trust that stupid monkey?!..." so that the cheetah will turn on the monkey?
"The arc of triumph" |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2006 : 07:57:27
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Yup, there you go. Not only does he get out of being eaten, but he gets revenge on the monkey. Alright, so it's silly. I know. :)
"If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2006 : 08:03:30
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Ahh, so I do get it 
"The arc of triumph" |
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Fartbone
- FB Fan -
USA
171 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2006 : 08:08:50
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quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Of_Frank
My mood today has become notably sour, so it's time for a joke...
A wealthy douager (sp?) goes on an African safari for some reason, and of course she takes her poodle with her. One day while they're out trekking, the poodle is playing near the camp and finds some bones, so it starts chewing them. As it's chewing, it sees out of the corner of its eye a cheetah. Scared, it thinks to itself, "There's no way I can outrun the cheetah, I'd be dead in three seconds." So it continues on as if it hadn't seen the cheetah and then gets an idea. The cheetah gets closer, and closer, and within pouncing distance, when the poodle smacks its lips and says to itself, "That cheetah was great, but I'm still hungry. Maybe I'll see if I can find another one."
The cheetah, hearing this, sneaks off quickly. However a monkey saw the whole thing and figures he'll trade that piece of info to the cheetah for protection. Meanwhile, the poodle has seen the monkey leave and figures he's up to something but even so, he has nowhere to run or hide, so he has to think up a plan. He can't.
Meanwhile, the monkey tells the cheetah what happened. The cheetah is furious and sure enough goes back to teach the poodle a lesson. "Get on my back, monkey, let's go" So once again, the cheetah sneaks up on the poodle, who is still chewing away at the bones and pretending not to notice. They get closer, and the poodle says, loud enough for them to hear, "I should never trust that stupid monkey?! I sent him to get me another cheetah and he's still not back".
deserving of a Quote. Very good joke, best I've read/heard in months.
Horale Cabrones |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2006 : 07:27:10
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quote:
Originally posted by Stevio10
A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm whilst his wife is in bed. He says "This is the pig I fuck when you're not in the mood". His wife says, "Thats a sheep not a pig you moron!" The man says "I was talking to the sheep!"
I think I heard a variation on that before.
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 04/15/2006 : 10:35:20
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" The bartender brings the sandwich and beer. "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for two weeks. Then one day, the circus comes to town. The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender says to him, "You own the circus? Listen, I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the circus owner, "get him to give me a call." So, the next day when the duck comes into the pub, the bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I've got it all set. I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck inquires. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused, "What in the hell would they want with a plasterer?"
Denis
I love Guitar Wolf from the Erath! |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 04/15/2006 : 10:53:48
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Good one.
"The arc of triumph" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 04/16/2006 : 03:14:04
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Hahaha, that's brilliant Denis.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 04/16/2006 : 14:08:54
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Hee-hee. Nice.
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Stevio10
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1117 Posts |
Posted - 04/17/2006 : 06:48:04
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| Did you hear about the Irish shampoo salesman??.....he's called Tim O'Tay! |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 04/26/2006 : 07:48:05
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Not really a joke but a funny headline from this week's ironictimes.com :
Saddam Defends Killing Thousands of Kurds
Says he thought they had WMDs.
I get a kick out of this site. It's like theonion.com but with headlines only.
Denis
I love Guitar Wolf from the Erath! |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 04/26/2006 : 10:14:03
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Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: "Ggmmph."
Denis
I love Guitar Wolf from the Erath! |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 04/30/2006 : 13:35:26
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David Beckham is in a press confrence answering a question:
Beckham:"Well yea, they're great, y'know, they're handy to keep in your pocket, they're small and they make my breath minty fresh."
Journalist:"No, TACTICS you thick bastard!"
"The arc of triumph" |
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Stevio10
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1117 Posts |
Posted - 04/30/2006 : 19:13:35
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David Beckham at a press conference...
Q) David, would you say you are a volatile player?
A) Of course, I can play in any position in midfield...
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 05/02/2006 : 06:43:20
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What's the differece between a condom and a coffin?
You cum in one, you go in the other.
What does a condom and a coffin have in common?
Your stiff in both.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Orange.
"I know nothing about the internet. I have an abacus at home. And i watch porn on it."
Conan O Brien |
Edited by - s_wrenn on 05/02/2006 07:52:20 |
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s_wrenn
* Dog in the Sand *
Ireland
1851 Posts |
Posted - 05/02/2006 : 07:51:34
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken wasn't invented yet.
"I know nothing about the internet. I have an abacus at home. And i watch porn on it."
Conan O Brien |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 05/24/2006 : 13:51:19
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Bob says to his friend Bill, "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week." "Why is that?" Bill asks. Bob replies, "I've been screwing his wife."
Denis
I love Guitar Wolf from the Erath! |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 05/24/2006 : 15:04:37
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when s_wrenn tells a joke, how much do you laugh?
THIS MUCH
FAST_MAN RAIDER_MAN - June 19th |
Edited by - PixieSteve on 05/24/2006 15:09:11 |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2006 : 23:50:20
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A man has been trapped on a desert island for about 8 years when one day he sees a boat on the horizon - he quickly lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore and on board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.
"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."
"Eight years?" she says, "so its eight yerars since you last smoked a cuban cigar?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a zippo, and lights it for him. The man enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.
"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth, mellow and utterly delicious.
"So," she says, beginning to unzip the zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"
"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whisky and cigars, wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning; it's the middle of the night and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone, so terribly terribly alone... |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2006 : 23:53:45
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A cop pulls Werner Heisenberg over.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the cop asks.
Werner replies, "No, but I know where I am." |
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
