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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
 Posted - 09/30/2005 : 05:38:52
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Two tipsy Irishmen were in a cemetery, searching for the oldest person buried there. One of the men, Carl, yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Bazza. Carl lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Denis
"We brush our teeth with tequila." - Guitar Wolf |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2005 : 18:14:07
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| I'm afraid I was very, very drunk! ;) |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/13/2005 : 09:05:44
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion - nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks………………………………………."How many is a brazillion?"
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Crispy Water
= Cult of Ray =
Canada
819 Posts |
Posted - 10/13/2005 : 09:40:42
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That one gets funnier every time I think about it.
Nothing is ever something. |
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buzzer
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
47 Posts |
Posted - 10/13/2005 : 09:46:43
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A woman ran into a police station shouting
"Grape! Grape! Grape!"
The policeman said, "Don't you mean rape?"
She replied, "No, there was a bunch of them."
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Doog
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1220 Posts |
Posted - 10/14/2005 : 04:35:00
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There's a guy walking down the street with one shoe on.
A woman approaches him and says "Excuse me sir, have you lost a shoe?"
Guy says "No... but I found one."
The guy has to have a certain voice to make this funny.
"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, morecambe and wise"
www.myspace.com/doog - www.doog.tk |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2005 : 00:46:02
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> A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather
> >>>dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
> >>>although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
> >>>"sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you
> >>>might be the father of one of my children !
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
> >>>Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I s*agged
> >>>on
> >>>the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me
> >>>with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a*se?
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>No she replies, I'm your sons' English Teacher!
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2005 : 02:17:47
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(I came up with a couple of gags. Feel free to throw tomatoes.)
What do you call an actor who posts advertisements on an internet forum?
Spamuel L. Jackson.
A man goes into a shoe shop looking for a pair of boots. He asks the assistant about a pair he sees on the shelf.
"Those are custom made for Christopher Walken", she says.
"Can I buy them?" asks the man.
"No", she answers, "These boots were made for Walken." |
Edited by - Carl on 10/17/2005 02:20:37 |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2005 : 03:08:58
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Oh god oh god.
I kinda liked the 2nd one.
Denis
"You know what? You know what? You know what? Shut the fuck up!" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/04/2005 : 06:30:25
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> > A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
> as
> > a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
>
> > She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
> he
> > had any odd jobs for her to do.
> >
> > "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
> > much will you charge me?"
> >
> > The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
> >
> > The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
> need
> > was in the garage.
> >
> > The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
> she
> > realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
> >
> > He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied,
> "You're
> > right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've
> > been getting by e-mail lately."
> >
> > A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
> >
> > "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
> >
> > "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
> > coats."
> >
> > Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
> > to her.
> >
> > "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/04/2005 : 06:30:58
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Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was
a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of
the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken
by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
clearly....It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and
started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP.....
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his
keys,
his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside,
slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way
through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the
coffin
allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......
Still it came .
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
Still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it......
Still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benilyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Perk
- FB Fan -
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 20:43:38
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A funny billion
The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your tax dollars.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective:
A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends.
Don't sweat the petty things
and don't pet the sweaty things |
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Perk
- FB Fan -
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 20:47:31
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Fried Eggs
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Don't sweat the petty things
and don't pet the sweaty things |
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Perk
- FB Fan -
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 20:49:16
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma really liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa... Go home, you're drunk."
Don't sweat the petty things
and don't pet the sweaty things |
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Perk
- FB Fan -
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 20:53:58
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The chicken and the horse
One day a horse and chicken were getting along beautifully in the meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and begins sinking. The chicken goes to get some help. He runs to a farmhouse and jumps in the family BMW, drives back to the mud hole, and ties some rope around the bumper and throws the other end to the horse. The chicken drives forward and saves the horse from sinking. Smart chicken.
A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing again in the meadow. This time the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled for help. ‘Get me some help from the farmer.’ The horse said, ‘I’m going to stand over the hole.’ So the horse stretches his large body over the hole. ‘Grab on chicken. Grab them and pull yourself up.’ The chicken did and was saved.
Moral of the story – If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Don't sweat the petty things
and don't pet the sweaty things |
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Perk
- FB Fan -
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 11/08/2005 : 21:00:01
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The blonde and the lawyer
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch some sleep.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, but finds no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress, and still finds no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, all to no avail. After an hour of furious searching, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Don't sweat the petty things
and don't pet the sweaty things |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 11/10/2005 : 02:27:43
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two blondes are on either side of a river;
blond A:(yelling) How do you get to the other side!
blond b:(yelling) You idiot! You are on the other side!
did you hear the one about the blond fox? she got stuck in a leg-hold trap, chewed three legs off and was still stuck.
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2005 : 15:20:35
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quote:
Originally posted by Carl
[i]
A man goes into a shoe shop looking for a pair of boots. He asks the assistant about a pair he sees on the shelf.
"Those are custom made for Christopher Walken", she says.
"Can I buy them?" asks the man.
"No", she answers, "These boots were made for Walken."
I laughed out loud upon reading that. That sounds like something out of Airplane. So hilariously stupid. |
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The Holiday Son
= Quote Accumulator =
France
2010 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2005 : 15:26:06
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| The Grampa one is brilliant by the way. |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2005 : 10:13:05
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The Jews' bodies being burnt in the Holocaust is such a disgrace. Can you imagine how many starving children Hitler could have fed with those Jews?
I'd like to buy a two-watt lightbulb.
For what?
No, two.
Two what?
Yes. |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2005 : 22:15:28
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What do you call a famous Hollywood star with a loudspeaker on his head?
Samuel L. Klaxon.
 "I seem to have rejoined the cult of FB.Net!"
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2005 : 21:15:19
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What does the Kaiser Chiefs' singer say when a magician is about to pull somethign out of a hat?
I predict a rabbit.
*crawls under 'the rock'*
"Join the Honeycult!"
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2006 : 05:39:34
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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
(Wait for it............)
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2006 : 16:55:23
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How to pelicans communicate?
Pelicanesis.
 pas de dutchie! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2006 : 08:34:32
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Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo vet determined the problem - the gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Gareth, a big Welsh lad from Swansea, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo Administrators thought they might have a solution.
Gareth was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have a shag with the gorilla for 500 pounds?
Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Gareth announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The Zoo management quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Gareth........ "could you give me another week to come up with the 500 quid."
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2006 : 08:35:24
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a shit!"
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 01/25/2006 : 08:57:46
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The Irish, the Welsh and now shitting wolves....is no one safe?!
pas de dutchie! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2006 : 06:13:21
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Penguins.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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danjersey
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
2792 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2006 : 21:22:35
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these two guys are out camping in the dark when one guys gotta take a shit so off he goes into the woods. he soon returns limber and right settling in and laughing to himself. number two asks "whats so funny?".... "well", first admits "i got out there and realized i
did'nt have anything to whipe with, the leaves were too dry and i was'nt wearing any socks" " so what did you use?" "i used the only thing i had, money"
damn, the second thought as he laid with his own full self "well i gota go to" and off he went into the wild. as the one back at camp considered the stars and how fine it was to sleep outdoors the other returned somewhat glum and uneasy sliding into his sleeping bag without saying a word. soon the other guy gets whiff, then another, unable to stand it any longer he speaks up. "dude is that you? it is you, damn you stink of shit"
confronted he confesses...."yeah well it was'nt as easy as you made it sound"
"did'nt you spend the few bucks like i did?"
"no man, i only had fifty five cents" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/30/2006 : 06:13:54
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> >Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs,
> >they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
> >
> >"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?
> >
> >Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
> >Rome?
> >
> >The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
> >answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
> >
> >In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
> >and gives them a glare, silencing them.
> >
> >Dopey turns back. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
> >Europe ?
> >
> >The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,"No,
> >Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
> >
> >This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
> >
> >Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
> >
> >Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope "Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere
> >in the world?"
> >
> >"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
> >
> >The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
> >the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting! .
> >
> >"Dopey screwed a penguin!"..
> >
> >"Dopey screwed a penguin!".....
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 01/30/2006 : 08:35:34
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Even penguins...
pas de dutchie! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2006 : 04:56:59
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It would appear so. I'm so naaaaasty!
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2006 : 06:00:26
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What's black and white and red all over?
pas de dutchie! |
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The Holiday Son
= Quote Accumulator =
France
2010 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2006 : 06:11:21
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| A Zebra in a microwave ? |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2006 : 09:13:40
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Well, could be: it could also be a penguin with sunburn or a penguin in a blender!
pas de dutchie! |
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
