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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
 Posted - 04/05/2010 : 10:12:13
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From McSweeney's -- http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2010/4/5birkemeier.html
Opening Day Genesis, By Glenn Birkmeier
In the big inning, God created Heaven on Earth. And it was without form, and void. God separated the dirt from the grass. He called the grass Outfield and the dirt He called Infield. God made the Infield a 90-foot square and the Outfield not less than 400 feet to center and 320 feet down the lines. He declared this Fair Territory. All other territory, God then declared, was Foul.
And God divided the players into two teams of nine players each, under direction of a manager, to play The Game on His field. God called some of these players Pitchers and some of them Hitters. He placed a Pitcher precisely 60 feet 6 inches from a Hitter. Then God commanded that it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the ol' Ballgame.
And God granted jurisdiction of The Game to lesser Gods, whom He called Umpires. God said the Umpires are infallible, blessed with Heavenly authority, whose judgment is not to be questioned under penalty of expulsion from The Game. And God looked at his creation and He was pleased. Then God created the Infield Fly Rule to confuse nonbelievers.
And God said, Let there be light beer, and there was. And, God said, let there be peanuts and hot dogs and overpriced souvenirs and let there be frosty chocolate malts with little wooden spoons that you can buy nowhere else except at this Heaven, which God called a Ballpark, and there was. God looked at His creation and it was good.
And the Lord God formed, from the dust, a collection of elite players in His own image. The Lord God then breathed the breath of life into His creation. God called this creation the National League.
And God said, It is not good for the National League to be alone. The Lord God shall make it a mate. And thus, while the National League slept, God took several of its top players and created the American League.
And God blessed The Game, saying, Be fruitful and multiply. Put teams in every city with deserving fans, God added, even if this occurs at the expense of starting-pitching depth.
From time to time, God understood, The Game would be corrupted by the Serpent. The Serpent was more cunning than any other beast and he would take many wicked forms: the Black Sox, segregation, the Designated Hitter, the Reserve Clause, dead balls, juiced balls, spit balls, corked bats, George Steinbrenner, AstroTurf, the 1981 strike, collusion, lockouts, Pete Rose, the 1994 strike, greenies, cocaine, HGH, Andro, steroids, $20 parking, corporate mallparks, Scott Boras, Donald Fehr, and Bud Selig.
But, God said, the goodness in The Game shall always prevail. As needed, the Lord shall bestow upon The Game a Savior. And the Savior, like the Serpent, can take many forms. The Savior shall remind Fans how blessed The Game truly is. The Savior shall be called by many names, including Cy, Matty, Honus, Big Train, the Babe, Wrigley Field, Fenway Park, Lou Gehrig, Branch Rickey, Jackie Robinson, Buck O'Neil, Hank Greenberg, Red Barber, Harry Carey, Vin Scully, Jack Buck, Satchel Paige, Bill Veeck, Roberto Clemente, Ernie Banks, Hammerin' Hank, Cool Papa, Dizzy, Lefty, Whitey, Stan the Man, Big Klu, the Say Hey Kid, Campy, Duke, the Mick, the Splendid Splinter, the Gas House Gang, the Big Red Machine, the Damn Yankees, Pudge Fisk, Pudge Rodriguez, Yaz, Pops, the Wizard of Oz, Fernando, George Brett, Moonlight Graham, Roy Hobbs, Wild Thing Vaughn, Bingo Long, the Ryan Express, Donnie Baseball, Rickey, Eck, the Big Unit, the Cactus League, Cal Ripken, Tony Gwynn, Camden Yards, Rotisserie Drafts, Web Gems, Derek Jeter, Dontrelle Willis, Vlad Guerrero, and, from the Far East, Ichiro. And, God guaranteed, there are many more to come.
God looked upon His creation and He was very pleased. And God spoke, yelling, PLAY BALL!
And all of this for nuthin', after all my huffin' and puffin'. |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5456 Posts |
Posted - 04/05/2010 : 10:38:42
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"Vin Scully, ..., Satchel Paige, Bill Veeck"
Amen |
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Broken Face
-= Forum Pistolero =-
USA
5157 Posts |
Posted - 04/06/2010 : 17:38:43
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I post that every year on Facebook, but this year i was internet-less. Glad you picked up the slack, Coastline.
- Brian |
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treetime
- FB Fan -
USA
217 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2010 : 09:54:28
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| Watch out for a strong rookie campaign by former Beaver Kyle Blanks of the Padres, the best baseball player in Portland, Oregon last year. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2010 : 13:07:28
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| Looks like he's having a rough start -- hitting .071. |
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treetime
- FB Fan -
USA
217 Posts |
Posted - 04/09/2010 : 23:25:27
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| Hopefully Blanks doesn't read this, he might go on a tirade like Big Papi. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2010 : 16:17:17
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| Target Field looks great. Were you there today, Daisy? |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 04/12/2010 : 17:29:23
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Hey Cohen, it does look so good.
It looks so good that you triggered a great thought in me. I was watching the news which of course was all about the new stadium. I read your post and then the weather came on that it's supposed to be in the 70's Thursday, so I am going to skip out of work on that day and see the game that afternoon.
Yipee! Thanks for getting me thinking in that direction Cohen. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2010 : 09:27:39
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| Nice! Have fun. I can't think of a much better way to spend an afternoon than taking in a ballgame. Wish I could join you. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2010 : 06:53:11
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Ubaldo the Redeemer
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5456 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2010 : 07:21:16
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| Didn't realize he's a side-armer. |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2010 : 13:50:25
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| Hey coastline, I wish you could have been there too. It was fun but it would have been more fun if you were there too. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2010 : 09:04:54
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| I was there in spirit, rooting against darwin's Red Sox. |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5456 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2010 : 09:57:25
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| Right now nobody needs to root against the Sox. They can lose all on their own. Sorry bastards. |
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treetime
- FB Fan -
USA
217 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2010 : 00:24:49
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| PGE park of Portland Oregon opened in 1926. It has been the home of the Portland Beavers, a triple A baseball team, since the 1950's. This year marks the last year the park will be used as a baseball stadium. It will be the new home of major league soccer in Portland. Portland's minor league baseball team has yet to find a new home. PGE, you will be missed. |
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gyaneshwar
- FB Fan -
194 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2010 : 05:09:07
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| I can't believe the Rockies brought my Padres' streak of winning series to an end last night. Damn you, Colorado. |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5456 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2010 : 08:02:20
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quote:
Originally posted by treetime
PGE park of Portland Oregon opened in 1926. It has been the home of the Portland Beavers, a triple A baseball team, since the 1950's. This year marks the last year the park will be used as a baseball stadium. It will be the new home of major league soccer in Portland. Portland's minor league baseball team has yet to find a new home. PGE, you will be missed.
Hey, I've been to that stadium. Saw Portland play Las Vegas, I think. It was pretty cool. Great location, but a weird cavernous feel to it. I have a hard time picturing an MLS game in there. |
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houstonguthrie
- FB Fan -
187 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2010 : 04:25:10
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| Rays are 21-7 overall and 12-1 on the road. I had a feeling about this year. Everything in life is just a little bit brighter when your team is playing well - ain't it grand? love those Rays!! |
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houstonguthrie
- FB Fan -
187 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2010 : 04:45:38
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pardon me if this has already been discussed ad nauseum previously -
I was just curious - about how many games do you guys go to every year? How many games do you think a "good fan" goes to each year.
Rays - like a whole lot of teams - are having attendance issues, which is a major drag. Our fan base is not all it could or should be for one - plus the economy and all. And sometimes when they're in town and I'm not doing anything but I decide to stay home and watch it on t.v. - I almost feel guilty!! But geez how many games can you go to? |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5456 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2010 : 07:29:55
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quote:
Originally posted by houstonguthrie
pardon me if this has already been discussed ad nauseum previously -
I was just curious - about how many games do you guys go to every year? How many games do you think a "good fan" goes to each year.
Rays - like a whole lot of teams - are having attendance issues, which is a major drag. Our fan base is not all it could or should be for one - plus the economy and all. And sometimes when they're in town and I'm not doing anything but I decide to stay home and watch it on t.v. - I almost feel guilty!! But geez how many games can you go to?
I think it really depends how close you live to a team. My favorite team is over 1,000 miles away (Boston) and the nearest MLB team is about 4 hours away (Dallas), so I don't get to many MLB games. But, I probably watch about 140 Red Sox games (or parts of them) on TV (or my computer) during the summer and I go to maybe 3 or 4 minor league or college games (a whole bunch of kid games). |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2010 : 18:23:06
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| I get to 5 or 6 Rockies games a year. It used to be more, when I first came to Denver. It's so expensive, though, especially for a family of four. I'd likely go to more games if I were in a minor-league town. |
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Superabounder
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1049 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2010 : 13:14:28
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Went to an awesome rangers game last night...complete game by a rangers' pitcher (wth??), fantastic defensive play at short-stop by the rangers that made the Sportscenter top 10 (wth??), and beautiful night for baseball. Plus a fireworks show that was amazing after the game. I go to about 5 games a year, and mostly with free tickets.
I'd rather be anywhere or doing anything |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2010 : 17:27:31
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| Tough day for the great game of baseball. Griffey retired, and then an umpire blew the call on the last out of what would have been a perfect game. |
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Thomas
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1615 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2010 : 02:18:03
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I don't know how the protest rules of baseball works or if a judgement call by an umpire can be protested, but it's to bad Leyland didn't protest the call and have his team walk off the field. Sure that could be considered a forfeit, but with a perfect game on the line I'd leave that up to the American League President or the Commissioner. Just don't pitch to a 28th batter.
That was Joyce's second blown call at first base in two innings. In the bottom of the 8th Damon was clearly out at first base also. Take away that and who knows how this could have played out.
"Our Love is Rice and Beans and Horses Lard" |
Edited by - Thomas on 06/03/2010 02:19:14 |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5456 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2010 : 05:37:07
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quote:
Originally posted by coastline
Tough day for the great game of baseball. Griffey retired, and then an umpire blew the call on the last out of what would have been a perfect game.
Griffey is exactly one year younger than me, so when I was a kid I thought when Griffey retires, "I'll be old". I'm old.
That blown call is instant legendary material. I feel bad for the pitcher (and the ump), but I guess I feel it should just stand the way it is. It's not fair, but Haddix not getting credit for his 12 innings of perfect pitching also isn't fair. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 06/03/2010 : 16:08:45
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quote:
Originally posted by darwin
It's not fair, but Haddix not getting credit for his 12 innings of perfect pitching also isn't fair.
Same with Pedro's nine innings -- when his own team failed to score and then he lost the perfect game in the 10th.
But life's not fair.
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
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houstonguthrie
- FB Fan -
187 Posts |
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fumanbru
* Dog in the Sand *
Canada
1462 Posts |
Posted - 06/10/2010 : 02:45:32
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i just read it. great editorial!
 "I joined the Cult of Frank/ cause I'm a real go-getter!"...long live snitz!! |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2010 : 16:42:55
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| I hate the Red Sox. |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5456 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2010 : 17:11:16
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| You hate the American League. (or maybe not) |
Edited by - darwin on 06/23/2010 17:40:56 |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2010 : 18:11:16
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I was reacting to the Sox wrecking Ubaldo's ERA.
Great to see Giambi come through, though ... Even if he's an AL guy. |
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coastline
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3111 Posts |
Posted - 04/15/2011 : 15:28:06
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Happy baseball season, y'all. For any Rockies fans -- or other baseball traditionalists -- I wrote this piece in The Denver Post a couple weeks ago: http://www.denverpost.com/opinion/ci_17746380
Darwin, did you know the Cubs have a guy named Darwin Barney? |
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Superabounder
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1049 Posts |
Posted - 04/15/2011 : 19:11:37
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Wow great articles Coastline! Just saw both of these. Galaraga article especially touching. What a class move that was when he smiled.
I'd rather be anywhere or doing anything |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5456 Posts |
Posted - 04/18/2011 : 09:37:34
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quote:
Darwin, did you know the Cubs have a guy named Darwin Barney?
I didn't. Thanks for pointing that out. |
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Topic |
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Baseball
