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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
 Posted - 07/22/2004 : 10:50:46
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(no relation to our Darwin)
Darwin Awards are out for 2004
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again.
It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig.
It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He
was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister
removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the
hose was connected to one end of a holl w tube approx. 12" long and 3"
in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that
he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground" Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark.
To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found
of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the
explosion..
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of
as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER..... 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball
washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold
of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
and the scrotum was the weakest link.
Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the
other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had
just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
threesome were asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.
http://www.defrance.org/artman/publish/article_784.shtml
ist es möglich für ein quesadilla skrotum zu lecken? beim sprechen der quesadillas von LBF, ja. ja in der tatheheheheheheehehee! |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5454 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 11:12:26
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| So, who's up for some golf? Do you think guy even cared about his $300 driver? |
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martha_promise
= Cult of Ray =
USA
398 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2004 : 20:09:53
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Yeah, the Darwin awards are always a good time...
It's a perfect bathroom book.(minus the first place winner this year) That probably wouldn't be a very good tale to hear when you're perched on the toilet.
But anyways, good read Floop.
Don't mean to post when I'm watsted.
~~I love the north part, I love your marble ear~~ |
Edited by - martha_promise on 07/22/2004 20:10:50 |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7441 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2004 : 02:14:59
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That's great, but #2 doesn't look real. How can there be witnesses of the guy using a lighter if 1) it was dark, and 2) the whole warehouse exploded? Plus I think I had already heard this story before.
Denis
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Monsieur
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1688 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2004 : 08:57:57
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| Yeah, all these stories don't really sound real. |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2004 : 16:36:55
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Rattlesnake catch?
Kind regards,
Dr. Simon
Specialist In Broken Hearts |
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TarTar
* Dog in the Sand *
1965 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2004 : 17:42:04
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I read this a few months back and I feel it's perfect that number 1 didn't die so that he can cherish his award... and hear about it for the rest of his life.
Inna zany combination of Wayne's Pet Youngin'! |
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El Barto
= Song DB Master =
USA
4020 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2004 : 20:14:50
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Oh my god...did any guy hear read that last one without cringing, mouth open, eyes scrunched? Fuck!
I think 7 should be way higher on the list...stupid kid.
I guess I just wasn't made for these times. |
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glacial906
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1738 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2004 : 21:17:11
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| I know I visibly winced while reading number one. OOOOOWWWWWWW |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2004 : 00:23:42
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quote:
Originally posted by El Barto
Oh my god...did any guy hear read that last one without cringing, mouth open, eyes scrunched? Fuck!
I think 7 should be way higher on the list...stupid kid.
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
Or any gal for that matter... ouch |
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TarTar
* Dog in the Sand *
1965 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2004 : 00:27:18
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Bob Flannagan is probably an exception. He probably had an orgasm when he read that.
Inna zany combination of Wayne's Pet Youngin'! |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2004 : 10:57:44
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or he would if he wasn't dead
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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2004 Darwin Awards
