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El Barto
= Song DB Master =
USA
4020 Posts |
 Posted - 06/24/2004 : 12:41:19
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I haven't been posting much and I don't think I will be anymore. The fact that nobody even noticed I was gone...who cares, who am I anyway. I guess it's very narcissistic for me to think that even matters. Why should I matter...I'm just a number. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
This isn't a cry for help. Maybe it is. Maybe it's not. Take it as you will. But for one thing, if someone comes to a public forum to talk about not wanting to continue living, there must be a problem. I'm not one to involve other people in my problems. My problems are mine. I, for some reason at this point, perhaps out of personal therapy, find it important to explain what's going through my head.
For the past month, I've thought about suicide. A lot. I can't explain exactly how my brain feels. I've lost all forms of happiness. If I'm ever happy, it's a brief flash in the pan and it's gone before I even know it, and I'm back to my former self. I have no desire to create new memories because they're just too painful to look back on, and when I have nothing, which is all the time, I go back and remember when I had something, and it's all gone.
My brain and body feel complete. I feel done. Finished with whatever I'm here for. I'm in limbo...I'm between a former, happy self and a big question mark. I have no motivation. I no longer have any hopes or dreams. I no longer aspire to do anything with my life. I don't look at myself as anything special like I once did.
When I try to think of a future for myself, I don't picture it. When I try to picture happiness, it doesn't exist. I can no longer make myself happy. I don't have anything to look forward to. I hate my job and I hate my freetime. I hate being bored. I hate waking up every morning because my dreams are the most beautiful thoughts I have anymore. My dreams are where I want to be. I look forward to going to sleep to go back to those people and places that exist only in my head, only at night.
I miss being happy. I miss smiling and laughing. I miss loving and feeling loved. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss kissing and hugging and romance. I miss running around the backyard as a kid, swimming in little plastic pools, playing in the sandbox, riding my bike around the block, around the next block, and seeing a world I never saw before. That excitement no longer exists in me. It's completely burned out.
This is a look into the minds of an individual. This represents everything that makes my heart ache, my brain tired, my eyes tear, my throat lumpy. I can't imagine my self-worth dropping any further. I don't want you to say anything. I'm just a number. I'm here and gone.
You can never quite size up any situation like this. It always looks pathetic. I sound pathetic. If I were you, I'd say I was pathetic, because posts like this are fucking stupid. fucking cries for help. Disturbed individual. Oh boohoo, you feel sad, at least you're not starving...cheer up. At least you're not in the middle east. At least you still have your head.
Perception is life. Wherever you're at, there are people who have it much worse than you, and there are people who have it much better than you. It's all about striving to be better while remembering those who have it worse.
I'm still alive. I could be dead. That would be worse, huh? It's hard to say any more because I feel dead inside.
Oh gag me. How fucking cheesy. Stick a finger in the mouth. How fucking stupid.
Thank you for your time.
I will regret having posted this.
Boycott cults and t's |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5454 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 12:55:40
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El Barto,
I don't really have any advice for you but I didn't want to leave your message without a reply. I noticed your absence and I'm sure others have to.
I can't address how you're feeling right now. But, you mentioned missing the old days of being a kid. I can appreciate that. I feel the same way sometimes. I wish I could spend the day running around with my buddies and playing soccer and basketball and whatever was our thing at the time. But, while we can't back to our simplier days, we can move ahead. There's a big world out there you haven't seen. There are things you haven't done. So, you can still see the world has you have never seen it before.
I think: you need to make a change. Maybe you need to go to school. You need to push forward towards what you want to do. If you really want to be screenwriter, move to LA. Do it. It won't be easy and it might not be successful, but you seeem to hate your life the way it is going right now. You're young; change your life to how you want it to be. I know that's easier said than done, but if you're thinking about suicide you NEED to make changes. |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 13:04:09
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Well, it's not like you and I have ever really seen eye to eye, but I certainly did wonder where you'd been, and truth be told, I assumed it had something to do with Mel, and I certainly wasn't about to pry. This is much worse.
I can't help you, I'm not a professional, nor a doctor, nor anything other than a concerned person that hasn't even met you in real life and hasn't gotten along very well in cyberspace, but nothing's so bad that it's worth ending things forever. Go talk to a therapist, seriously. They're there for this sort of thing and have much better things to say than what I will. That said, you don't seem the type, so I will offer this:
It seems like you're someone who is always looking off to the future for what's to come. Too much so, perhaps. It's good to have goals, but it's good to remember that life is what happens while you're making other plans. It sucks when you don't have goals or a clear path of where you're going, and moreso when you're not sure what you want to do. But everyone figures that out sooner or later. Or becomes content with where they are.
I think you need to get away. Go travel abroad. Europe. No plans, no itinerary. Just book a ticket to London or Amsterdam or wherever and live from day to day. Fly an open ended ticket. Travel around and learn to enjoy each day as it comes and to love that you are in full control of your life. Paris tomorrow? Sure! What's holding you back? Low on money? I'm sure you can find something over there to make ends meet.
And when you realize that you're in full control of your life at all times, you will hopefully feel better about your life back home. You're not trapped if you don't want to be. You have no commitments nor anything else tying you down (that I know about). Just get out and run free. You're more able to do that right now than you ever have been in your life.
Being uncertain just means you can do whatever you really want. It's being certain that's the trap.
Life is perception. If you don't like the way things are looking, try a different angle. Maybe a trip / break will provide that.
 "When 5000 posts you reach / Look as good you will not, hmmm?" |
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Erebus
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1834 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 13:04:31
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| My man, you know you're suffering from what is diagnosed as depression. It's not just a lay word within the normal realm of conversation. It's a medical condition which is often not entirely amenable to "talking therapy". I encourage you to talk to a professional that you don't know, somebody outside the matrix of your life. I know whereof I speak. Though it may sound hollow, there are other people who can empathize with the general aspects of your situation, whatever its specific root causes. Things can feel so empty you wonder how you ever felt otherwise. Sounds silly to say but those mental health advertisements where the sufferer says "I want my old self back" are not so far from the truth. What you're saying is not stupid. Not at all. Try not to think in terms of comparison with others and whether you don't deserve your unhappiness simply because their situation appears to be worse than than your own. You have to worry about yourself and you are the best judge of your condition. If you think you're suffering, then you are. Take care of yourself. It can be done. You are young. You have not seen everything, and regardless of your gifts you can never be an expert on what the future will hold. Give yourself a chance by giving someone else a chance to help you. I don't mean to sound so cliche, but most cliches persist because they're based on something real. It makes me sad that you are in such pain. |
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BLT
> Teenager of the Year <
South Sandwich Islands
4204 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 13:05:44
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I also noticed you were gone. I figured it was just fallout from the t-shirt fiasco.
You need a new game or challenge. If I were you, I'd get away from home for a little while. Go on a trip out west or something. Getting out into the big open spaces puts lifes problems into perspective (i.e. less than I thought they were). Once you've cleared your head of your immediate problems, then you may be able make some clear-headed decisions about your future.
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ramona
"FB Quote Mistress"
USA
3988 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 13:25:43
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You are depressed. You are trying to figure out where you fit in the world, and why it even matters. Boy, have I been there. When I was twenty one, crying in my closet crammed behind my clothes and shoes I thought, "hey, maybe I need some help?"
Maybe you do too. I hope you will talk to some people in your "real" life b/c as much as we say here and try to offer advice and opinions, it is not the same as having someone THERE you can talk to. I know a bit about your friends and such and hopefully you would feel like they would listen if you needed them to. I think you need them to.
You shouldn't feel ashamed or "silly" - you're human. We all go through shitty times and we can't always do it alone.
I'm thinking of you.
_____________________________________________________________________
It`s so shameful of me - I like you
because you`re not right in the head
and nor am I - and this is why
you`re not right in the head
and nor am I - and this is why
and this is why I like you
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ramona
"FB Quote Mistress"
USA
3988 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 13:29:20
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quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Of_Frank
Life is perception. If you don't like the way things are looking, try a different angle. Maybe a trip / break will provide that.
I am taking this out of context, Dean, and I hope you don't mind. I definetly agree with most of what you had to say - but I just wanted to mention that if someone is really depressed, than that is something in their brain that is unbalanced and you can't just decide to see things differently. There are chemicals working against you. That might not be the case with you, Jim, but if you feel NUMB and like there is nothing to live for, that is a little different than just feeling blue.
That is all.
_____________________________________________________________________
It`s so shameful of me - I like you
because you`re not right in the head
and nor am I - and this is why
you`re not right in the head
and nor am I - and this is why
and this is why I like you
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fudd
= Cult of Ray =
664 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 14:13:16
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I haven't been here long and I'm not sure whether I should butt in, but I think I have something to add, even if it's mostly just one more voice. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Get your ass to a psychiatrist. Lithium/Prozac/etc. and/or therapy will help and fuck anybody who thinks less of you for needing it.
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NimrodsSon
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1938 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 14:16:51
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I'm not a psychiatrist or anything so I don't really know what I should tell you and I don't really have any advice to give, but I know that suicide is the worst atrocity you can possibly commit against yourself. There is always something to live for and don't ever try to tell yourself otherwise. Life is beautiful! If nothing else, just the fact that you can wake up every morning and see the world (in spite of all it's problems it's still a beautiful place) is beautiful. Your life is all you have. This is everything and to give it up would be to give up everything. You're only twenty-one years old and you have no idea what life has in store for you, and the only way to find out is to live through this and see. You said that no one noticed you were gone, but everyone that has posted here so far noticed. I noticed; it was only about two weeks so I figured you were on vacation or something. The bottom line is that there are people who care about you! Hell, I care about you and I don't even know you. I'm sure everybody here cares about you. I can't tell you that I sympathize with you or that I know what you feel like because I've never been in your situation, but I know that you are strong enough to make it through this. You can and I hope to God that you will.
Oh, this sounds very silly given the current situation I'm sure, but in three months, what is destined to be the greatest album ever is coming out (SMiLE). I know enough about you to know that you would not want to miss that. And maybe there will be something about it that will completely eliminate your depression. Brian's music is quite magical, you know?
ˇViva los Católicos! |
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lysithea
- FB Fan -
36 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 14:35:44
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| i don't really like to talk about this stuff publically, but i would like to listen and help if i can. and i think i might be able to. please email me. really. lysithea@cox.net i know you don't know me, but that's not really relevant, imo. |
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TarTar
* Dog in the Sand *
1965 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 15:03:02
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Eh, I've probably contemplated suicide at least 400 times in the last year or so. I was having a really bad OCD problem where horrible thoughts would destroy any bit of happiness I might be able to chance upon. Fortunately, I can't tolerate any amount of pain even the slightest and there are no easy forms of suicide that are 100% pain free guaranteed, so I never got around to it. I've been getting better and better, slowly.
Then, this last week I was super suicidal because I had a "It's cool to hang out with your ex" experience. She and I had been hanging out a lot and had started to sleep together again (a few times), and I was kind of feeling like we were sort of a couple again. Then she went and slept with one of her other ex's, and I could tell she had, and interrogated her until she admitted to it and I flipped the hell out, began screaming at her, threw my fan against a wall (breaking it a bit but not beyond repair) and knocking the shower curtain down. I was pissed off. And horribly upset. It was the worst I've ever felt.
I couldn't get suicide off the mind. I was going to all these sites online to find a painless way to kill myself and found all these weird newsgroups who support people who are going to committ suicide and you'd see people saying, "Okay, this is my last post, I'm going to kill myself tonight." And others would wish them good luck. And then there'd be no posts from that person after that date (one I found was from quite a few years ago). I thought it was extremely fucked up. And it seemed naive.
Death is such an easy answer. Life involves pain. There are going to be hardships, some that are extremely hard and it will feel like no one else has gone through that and that things will never return to brighter times. And dreams and the sleep state are the best escape. Yeah, I know it's rough. But facing that pain that will turn you into a stronger person in the long run. Times will get better. It will pass. There's plenty of great things out there. You're probably allowing yourself to not experience anything cuz it's easier that way. Get outta that rut, man.
"You gotta watch the mota, Thurston. Yr fuckin memory just goes out the window." |
Edited by - TarTar on 06/24/2004 15:40:08 |
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remig
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1734 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 15:06:11
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Just wanted to say:
-I've noticed you were'nt there as you did before.
-Therapy (analysis or others) works, sometimes chemistry too.
-CHANGE SOMETHING.
-Life is worth living it
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 15:06:32
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Heh, depression isn't fun. You seem like the kind of person who doesn't want help from doctors or medicine...but it may be your only chance. Few people with clinical depression can just "make it go away" by themselves. If you are one of those people...don't be stubborn. Accept that you can't always control your thoughts or emotions and see a doctor. I'm on three different anti-depressants right now and I know that without them I'd be dead.
Cult of Frank and Ramona are right: It all depends on your perception of things, how you view the world, etc. It sounds corny and I thought so too. But I've learned to look at things a little differently and it helps a lot more than you'd think. I don't know what I'm trying to say, really. I hope you feel better...Good luck.
"Freedom is a state of mind and the condition and position of your ass. Free your mind and your ass will follow." - Funkadelic |
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remig
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1734 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 15:12:37
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And I'm quoting you quoting Homer Simpson:
"Stupid risks make life worth living." - Homer Simpson |
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BLT
> Teenager of the Year <
South Sandwich Islands
4204 Posts |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 15:31:18
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I noticed you were gone Jim, and also figured it was about the Mel scenario.
For what it's worth, I went through similar stuff when I was around your age. some VERY hard periods. after college, not knowing what the fuck i was going to do etc.. feeling completely and totally depressed and yes, even thoughts of suicide. i made the mistake of moving back home, thinking that would help me sort things out. but it just made things ten times worse.
Like Erebus said, it's good to talk to someone outside your circle - an unbiased, subjective listener. And, if need be, something to get you over the hump (ie. medication). I was on an anti-depressant for a while, which I think helped me get some perspective; get out of the funk.
You seem like a smart guy and I think you're probably capbable of doing a lot more than working at Best Buy. Find something you like. Go to school. Move out of your hometown. Move to another country for a while. You're young and intelligent; the world is at your fingertips. Now's the time when you can do that stuff. And if whatever you do doesn't work out, then do something else. Nothing is the end of the world.
Just remember that there are people who care about you and that you don't have to feel this depressed. Help is available and change can happen. |
Edited by - floop on 06/24/2004 16:01:37 |
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ShakeyShake
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1058 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 15:33:53
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Don't worry,there's always the World Cup
"I joined the Cult of this guy / 'cause they took my other picture away |
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pfeffa
= Cult of Ray =
Aruba
367 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 15:53:00
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El Barto,
When I have thought about suicide, all I can think about it is how much I want to do everything I never thought I could do.
The power of feeling suicidal means that you can do what you never thought you could...who cares???
I say, stay alive and F*ck the World! Do what makes YOU happy. Don't die. Frank would be upset.
darkness, come teach me |
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martha_promise
= Cult of Ray =
USA
398 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 15:53:34
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Jim, I've also noticed you haven't been around lately. Like many others have already mentioned, I too, went through a similar time a few years ago. My folks actually hospitalized me for a few weeks. Honestly, the main reason that I pulled out of it was knowing how many people I would hurt if I ever did go through with it. Now at age 26 those thoughts have diminished, if not completely disapeared.
I not sure what will help or if anything will right away. I do think that you maybe need to go see somebody who is a professional. Regardless however, you definatly need to give yourself more time. Life has a funny way of progressing and with only 21 years under your belt it's hard to know if you'll feel this way in a year or two even. (let alone another 21)
Plus, the world needs all the bright and intelligent people it can get. To short change all the people you will come in contact with is a diservice to them and society as a whole.
Best of luck and hang in there.
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Edited by - martha_promise on 06/24/2004 15:54:57 |
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pfeffa
= Cult of Ray =
Aruba
367 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:00:10
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Yeah, Martha, you're right. Anyone sensitive enough to think about "The Bad Thought" is always tooo precious and toooo unique. Jeez!!! How can anyone love music and not want to be around to hear it? I will take in anyone who thinks negative thoughts!!! Let's all band together and hate the World and NOT die. Life is too fricking short!!!! Live, dammit!
darkness, come teach me |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:01:27
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James, Please please please will you just answer one of your phones. I dont really wanna discuss all this on line, but youve left me no choice. The fact that you wont answer your phones, and you computer, which is never off, is off...is scaring the shit out of me. I will have to phone yopur sister after this if you dont get in contact asap. Ive never even spoken to her, and I dont know how much she knows with what is going on, but you will leave me with no choice but to tell her.
I bet you never thought your movie would turn out this way
You crossed the other way, youd hope i wouldnt see you, you say youre doing fine, but thats not what it looks like, your undercovers on...
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:06:58
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[im posting this in sections as my computer keeps dying onme]
James, i know youre depressed, and you have spoken in this vain for a while now..since everything started going downhill with us etc.
Of course I noticed you were gone, but in your last meail you said you were going to michigan - which is where i figured you were at...
When you spoke about this stuff before, I wouldnt - I couldnt believe it. I care about you so much that the thought of you being capable of doing such a thing to yourself frightened me, and me so upset -to the extent (i havent told you this before) where i was throwing up for about a week. Especially after our last 'real' phone call. I hung up on you after the thing you told me (that i wont discuss here) because it pained me so much to think that someone as intelligent, and beautiful as you could do that to yourself - and even more so the fact I knew I couldnt be there for you. IM still not. I couldnt help you, and I couldnt comfort you. For once in my life I couldnt help someone. To make things worse - I couldnt help you. The one person I really cared about.
I bet you never thought your movie would turn out this way
You crossed the other way, youd hope i wouldnt see you, you say youre doing fine, but thats not what it looks like, your undercovers on...
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:17:20
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I missed you Jim. I don't really have anything to offer, but I hope everything works out - you're a cool guy.
 "Ee-hee! Shamone!" |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:19:11
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Youare such a beautifukl and intelligent, and funny guy. You make people laugh - you have me in hysterics. Thats one fo the things you love doing. I really thought when you started doing stand up, and getting more confident, and soicalising more...maybe even meet an (available) girl along the way - i really thought everything would come together for you...
But i should have known, or more, i should have let myself see that your depression was far more deeply seated than that, and these little things werent going to help.
This is something, that in all honesty, you should have sort help for a long, long time ago.
Im sitting here not even being able to see the screen, through my tears. The thought that the world would never experience, or be let to see what a talented, brilliant, guy you are - would never be able to see how youlook at the world...is such a tragic thought. Its not your time yet. Its not your time for suck sake.
The way you see things...Is so amazing, you se ebeauty in things others in thsi day and age ignore - remember the ducks, darling?
Its not your time, you havent seen enough. The world hasnt seen you. You could do so many great things. And i know this sounds like the bull people say when they try and make you feel better, but I MEAN it. I knwo you better than any one on here I would imagine, and i nwo what your capable of.
Maybe thats what is scaring me so much.
As people ahve said, you need to seek real help for this. Dont give up just yet. Youre much stronger than that.
I care about you, and so do alot of other people. Its a horrible thing to say, but how will your mother feel? your sisters? jeremy? Everyone? What about Buddy? He will know.
And, yeah, Do you really respect Kurt that much? Do you think he did the right thing? Could you hurt that many people? Ofcourse, your hapiness comes first, but at the same time, these are people who you care about. People that would be devestated to not have you around. Youre not that selfish James.
I know ive said it before, but just try getting help, and see where the comedy thing goes. Get a band together, go back to school. Stay in PA. all theselittle thingswill make a difference, ya know.
James, please call me. please please please fucking call me,. NOmatter what time, call me.
I love you, always will. I never deserved to ahve someone like you come in to my life. Youre too good for me, and always were. call me.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I bet you never thought your movie would turn out this way
You crossed the other way, youd hope i wouldnt see you, you say youre doing fine, but thats not what it looks like, your undercovers on...
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Brackish
- FB Fan -
142 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:24:23
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El Barto,
I hardly ever post here and even I noticed your absence. When someone needs help, a "cry for help" is the best thing they can do. I've been there, believe me, I am 10 years your senior. You may not like my advice, but here it is. Go to the oldest, most beautiful church in your town (NOT during any service). Sit quietly for one hour, or as long as you want. You needn't think about life or death or God. Just sit and open your heart and mind to whatever energy comes to you.
Please post a reply, these FB.net people are worried about you. (me included) |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:41:19
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Yeah dude, suicide sucks. It totally fucks the people who love you the most up.
"Here today, Guano tomorrow" |
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rockmusic84
= Cult of Ray =
USA
256 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:52:22
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ElBarto, I've been depressed before. In fact, I still am. But I try not to think about it. It seems as though you're a guy that thinks about what is to come. I used to be that way too. And that was half of my problem. It seems a lot of people think like this anymore. It's very scary. What I learned, is that you have to live for NOW. Not tommorow, next week, or next month. NOW. We're here now. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow. We're not guaranteed the next second, let alone the next day, week, month or year. I'm just living right now. We can't look towards a future, because we aren't sure if one exists. That's what makes life scary, frustrating, and at times, overwhelming.
Another thing you said is that you hate your job (I can empathize with this, I used to work at a Best Buy). When I'm at work, I just do what I have to do, make as little contact with the boss or people I don't get on so great with as possible, sign the time sheet, and go home. And don't take your work home with you. As soon as you leave for the day, turn that "Best Buy" switch off. You're on your time now. Don't worry about your supervisor breaking your balls because you didn't sell that Netflix, or sell those service plans, or meet sales goals. It's in the past. Don't get hung up on it. What they pay you isn't worth you time, let alone your sanity. And it's certainly not worth your life. You work for a paycheck, not a pain in the neck.
As far as being bored and uninterested in life in general, just try to think of things and/or do things that make you happy. Like music for instance. That's why we're all here. To celebrate music by a man and bands that we love and admire. If you're feeling down, put on a Frank album you like. Or a Pixies album. And it doesn't have to be happy, cheery music, just music that makes YOU happy. Lou Reed's music is generally seen as dark and depressing, but his albums have lifted my spirits on many occassions.
I don't know you, ElBarto, but I wish I could talk to you, man to man. When I hear people I know saying they are unfulfilled with life and are contemplating the end, it upsets me greatly, because while you feel there may be nothing left for you in life, there are others who need you. Friends, family, co-workers. Even if they didn't miss you if you died, their lives would be different, and maybe more difficult without you. So in a way, in killing yourself, you are killing the souls of those you have touched with your life. Think of all the people whom you've encountered. Some were insignificant, but some were great. And even the insignificant ones played important roles in your life.
And even though I've never met you, I'd miss you. It would be one less person available to talk to about Frank/The Pixies. Barely anyone I know knows about them. That's why I love this forum. The people here are nice (and at times, VERY FUNNY), and we talk about many things other than Frank/The Pixies, and in great detail. I also get the feeling that people on this site are very smart, judging by the depth of the conversations. It's nice to be able to talk with people on the same wavelength as you, even if you never meet them face to face.
So ElBarto, please reconsider. Life's bad, but not that bad. And brooding in your own problems will only make it worse. I think I speak for everyone on the forum when I say we want you around.
And if I may quote Red Green:
"Remember, I'm pullin' for ya'. We're all in this together."
Chris.
Join The Cult of U-MASS - IT'S EDUCATIONAL!!! |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:52:54
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James, Im not going to sleepuntilyou phone. Ive figured youre in michigan since peakign to megan. So i am hoping that what has happened is youve gone out with your parents, and left your cell at home. I wont call your sister unless I dont hear anything in the next 24 hours.
I bet you never thought your movie would turn out this way
You crossed the other way, youd hope i wouldnt see you, you say youre doing fine, but thats not what it looks like, your undercovers on...
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 21:12:10
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Barticus, dude, I feel you. I've been in your shoes. Life is like that, like a sine wave.
I remember only a month ago crying tears of laughter at your posts man.
We all love you here man, stay. If you really hate yourself, you'd make yourself endure the pain and suffering the rest of deal with.
Suicide is disgusting, I've had the to my head...
3 days ago I found a reason to live man, and I hadn't had one in years.
One day you're on top of the world, and then you crash. It happens to all of us.
You'lll snap out of it.
I'm glad you told us how you feel. You're a sigificant part of my forum social life man, we all form like voltron, we need you.
Just hang on. As bad as it may seem, tomorrow you might be on top of the world.
There is nothing anyone can say or do to change your decisions and volition, but don't ever think you will go unnoticed, or any of us who have shared forum life could ever forget you.
I was trying to make this the short and sweet responce but it hasn't quite worked out.
All in all, you wrote something that I felt many times. Just goes to show, we're all just humans.
And please don't commit suicde dude, then I'll have to preface my shitty cover of BoneMachine by a sad story...
anyway, I hope one of us has made you feel a little better.
If ever you need, please call... |
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glacial906
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1738 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 22:54:37
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| El Barto, (Jim) please at least make a post to let everyone know that you're okay? |
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 23:15:39
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I myself have been absent on this board for the most part and even I noticed you weren't around. I assumed it was the t-shirt thing too.
I hope you feel better, man.
Just quit a cult / going through withdrawal |
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TarTar
* Dog in the Sand *
1965 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 00:03:24
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Where in Michigan would he be? I'm in Michigan.
"You gotta watch the mota, Thurston. Yr fuckin memory just goes out the window." |
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Dave Noisy
Minister of Chaos
Canada
4496 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 01:28:07
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I, too, noticed the lack of El Postings, but i've been out of the loop and assumed it was a combination of Dave-hate and London visiting. I have the 16th marked in my daybook as the day you go to the UK. I guess things have changed..
You should talk to people, be it friends or a counsellor of some sort. It's important to get other perspectives.
Friends are friends because they care about you.
Imagine for a moment that someone you know and care about a lot was feeling much the same as you are right now. Would you want your friend to tell you how they were feeling?
Maybe it's a chemical imbalance..maybe you're just down about what's been going on..either way, it's clear you've got to make some sort of change.
Life sucking isn't a bad thing, btw. It gives you perspective, and helps you figure out what it is that make life good, and helps you achieve that.
Keep on truckin' Jim..
 Join the Cult of the Flying Pigxies - I'm A Believer! |
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noexx
= Cult of Ray =
361 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 02:40:29
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| life, be it terible or wonderful or perhaps a mixture of both, is worth keeping until the natural end. |
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apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 07:18:29
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Jim, I hope you're ok. I was depressed/suicidal for most of my life, since age 7 (bad family issues and a weird perspective at a young age = serious depression). I can't say whether drugs or therapy or activity or spirituality or just your own hutzpah (or something else entirely) would get you over the hump, but the best thing to do is try something, and don't expect anything right away. What bugs you the most about yourself? Do you get exercise? I'm guessing you spend an incredible amount of time thinking and stewing. That's always what got me into trouble. I suggest a camping trip to a National Park, with some friends or a group activity, and some serious hiking and even climbing (with the proper gear/guides, etc.!). Don't try to answer those questions. Let thoughts of what you need to do or why you aren't happy or what you are supposed to do, be. They will get answered when you let go of the fear built up from worrying about who you should be. Everything you need is in you, and around you when you are in a place that allows you to see the opportunities, but as long as you are grabbing for it in fear, you won't be able to access it. Like the monkeys' paws in a rice jar.
My best wishes to you, Jim. I believe you will move through this with grace, and be a stronger and a more truly happy person. Just don't try to rush it. |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 07:59:42
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Jim, I spent an hour and a half writing a response to you last night. I really spilled my guts about my life on here. After I posted my response I decided it was too much personal info for an internet forum. Lets just say I had a very rough childhood as well. I like the way apls put it "bad family issues". Listen Jim, my life sucked pretty bad up until about the age of nineteen. I never actually contemplated suicide I suspest i probably was in some form of depression though. Music became a huge part of my life because it helped me tune out the shit for awhile. Another thing that helped me was exercise. going to the gym and getting out my fustrations helped me deal with so much stress it was unbelievable! The best thing I have ever done for myself while living on the east coast is join a gym.
Anyway, I rarely think about those days anymore. I have disconected from many of the people that helped create that hell for me at the time. Until recently, I hadn't seen my mom since I was seventeen and when I did try reconnecting all the shit came pooring back so after twenty five minutes I left her standing on the door step of where she lives. But this ain't about me, is it?
Jim as much as life sucked back when I was younger I'm making up for it now ten fold. My life rocks! Your life will only get better too! If people are fucking up your life, tell them to beat a path. Go find some new people. There are plenty of them around. I've done it repeatedly thoughout my life and it was only to my benefit. think about all the issues you have going on and see if you can directly attribute them to someone. Usually you can. Don't let outside influences mess your life up Jim.
Blah, blah, blah. I 'll end it there
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http://www.geocities.com/j_vaughn/bigfoot.html
Have you looked into the eye's of a RankStranger?
If you have you will never forget that moment!
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the lighter side of death
