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El Barto
= Song DB Master =
USA
4020 Posts |
 Posted - 06/25/2004 : 08:17:57
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I'm still here. I thank you all kindly for the nice words and for listening. I don't know what else to say. I'm in Michigan until Sunday visiting. TarTar, I'm in Warren, right outside Detroit.
I've thought about taking medication, but I never wanted to rely on chemicals to make me feel better...and deal with all the side effects and shit, but at this point, I don't know what to do.
Boycott cults and t's |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
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mereubu
= FB QuizMistress =
USA
2677 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 08:55:22
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Darlin', and I know where you're coming from b/c I resist the chemicals as well, I think that you might consider at least seeking some kind of help. I know loads of people who just did short courses of anti-d's and got back on track. It doesn't mean you're a weenie or anything--sometimes we just end up in places where we need a little hand back up, and you've certainly had a lot of turmoil in your life over the past year or so. I've watched one very close member of my family, with the proper meds, go from an agoraphobic w/a panic disorder & chronic depression who couldn't even get out of bed most days to someone who has gotten her diving certification (unheard of for seriously phobic folks), moved across the country after the living in the same town for her entire life and gone back to school. I don't think folks should be handing the stuff out like it's Pez, but sometimes it can really help. Please hang in there, Jim! Take it a day at a time if that's what you have to do. I have a cousin who committed suicide a couple of months ago and I really don't think you're the kind of person who would inflict this kind of hurt on the people around him.
EDIT: OK, this sounds bitchier than I meant it to, but I bitch b/c I care. |
Edited by - mereubu on 06/25/2004 08:59:24 |
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cvanepps
= Cult of Ray =
USA
442 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 09:15:42
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Jim, you think it's bad at 21? Wait 'til you reach 36 with no wife, no kids, and no girlfriend. I could take stock in my life and feel pretty shitty about it. But I don't. Fact is, I'm happy because all the decisions that placed me in my current situation were of my own design. I don't like kids so I didn't have any. I loathe female mindgames so much that I'd rather be alone. So I am.
Sometimes I feel down but I have family and friends that care about me. I'm sure you do too. Besides, if you kill yourself, think of all the Simpsons episodes you'll be missing. Can you believe they're still going after 16 years or whatever? Man oh man.
Here's another angle: misery is the mother of all creativity. I'm not sure who said that but I'm sure it's true. You're a musician, yes? So write a killer song about it. Of course it's been done before but that's not the point. It hasn't been done by you, at least, not at this point in your life. Your song might help someone else who's feeling down someday.
-= It's not easy to kidnap a fat man =-
http://www.cvanepps.com |
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PsychicTwin
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1772 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 09:23:02
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El Barto-
I'll be brief since so many people have articulated things so well already.
There's always something more to live for, sometimes you just need to change your surroundings or go on a different track. There are so many possibilities for young people our age that its almost astounding...your youth is the time to travel, learn, explore, reflect, and do.
My advice would be to seek out medication if you need to...there is no shame in that, nor stigma. There is a medical reason these drugs work. I sympathize with you, though, I've always been bull-headed about not taking daily prescription medication of any kind.
Other than that, I think you should consider the options you do have (other than suicide.) They are there, and its up to you to take advantage of them. Like you said, perspective is everything.
Hope to be seeing you around for a long time to come, man! |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5454 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 09:24:15
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| Another reason to live: we need your vote in Michigan or Pennsylvania to send Bush back to Texas. |
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Newo
~ Abstract Brain ~
Spain
2674 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 09:44:43
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You cannot die Jim. We are made of energy which can only be converted into another form. how did you plan on slipping into a nonstate anyway?
-Owen |
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realmeanmotorscutor
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1764 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 11:37:29
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Jim, I haven't been on much at all lately so I can't say I've noticed much of anything, but I read your post (backwards - I was hoping for an uplifting peroration; unfortunately it worked the other way - a bad sign) and I want to tell you that even though you don't know or care for me, I'm here to help or talk. I too often feel like just a number. Message boards might make a person feel important while their topic is flaming, but when you're gone you're gone. I've been here forever but am hardly noticed. That's fine; try not to put too much stock in anonymous people. I know that sounds stupid after having just said I'm here to help. Don't get me wrong, I am (as it seems everyone else is) but I urge you to talk to someone close by too. I don't have a hell of a lot to add to the other replies, only that there's another number out there who wishes you the best. Chin up and take advantage of your friends being there for you!
AIM: AbraxasZugzwang
realmeanmotorscutor@email.com
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 11:44:50
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I really can't deal with this topic. It has really freaked me out. Why? 'Cos I had a thought/day dream about it today, except it was me posting. I have only just seen this now. This has never happened to me before. I don't know what it means but it's fucking freaky and I feel sick.
I genuinely miss you Jim, that's all I can say right now.
Listen to Nine Black Alps. |
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TarTar
* Dog in the Sand *
1965 Posts |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 15:13:48
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I'm on the other side of the state in Kalamazoo. About 2 or 2 and a half hours away.
"You gotta watch the mota, Thurston. Yr fuckin memory just goes out the window." |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2004 : 04:24:30
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Ach, scutor, you know thats not true either, I miss ya. I know what you mean though, its easy to feel forgotten on somewhere like this. The cool thing about here is that everyone has a pretty genuine respect and liking for the other users, so you can know its not out of spite.
Just don't bring up anyone who's been banned...
;)
Good to hear from you Jim, best wishes OK?
Take care.
 "Ee-hee! Shamone!" |
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 06/26/2004 : 07:16:08
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I love you man. fb.net style, and so do my cats.
I'm so happy you did not die. You had us worried.
You had us all puking, we were love sick.
Just like me, puking all day for 10 days, because I love my 89 yrear best friend in the world
I love 3 people in this world 89, 64, and 60 years old they are, I am merely 27.
There's nothing merely about 27.
I wonder how many people I lost contact with are dead?
I love my grandmother more than anyone else in the world. I haven't seen her in a week, since she got NEMONIA hehe, sory, i can't spell that word if I tried, uim, yeah... I never truly understood the meaning of the phrase or word love-sick until a few days ago... when my life changed forever...
I now play a one of a kind moog and guitar at the same time and I now wear a pinnky ring with a star
I'm thinking of addding a red jewel under...
fuck it
hahahhahahha
nerver mind
fb.net chicks rule!!!!!!!
um, "mu-ha-hahaahmuhaa...moo ha
May Everone Be Well
While I puke on hydrogyn peroxide again
I think I might win the folowing fb.net titles: (I already hpold most likely to post drunk, the diclive suggestion guy, bone machine guy)
I recieved a npomination for biggest idiot, but my net handle cost me that title...
oh well, fuck me
85 weeks and I'll be gone...
My new sig: "
ja=>liefde (bang) botsing ou wakka wakka =) Wakka, wakka, Bam Thwok (LBF)
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Frog in the Sand
-+ Le premiere frog +-
France
2715 Posts |
Posted - 06/27/2004 : 00:26:38
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Jim, I don't really know you - but maybe you ask yourself too many questions?...
Sure you're deep, intelligent, and quite mature for a young guy. But there's a time to think and a time to live. To act. To create. Intelligence is basically worried and pessimistic. Too much thinking is exhausting and inhibiting, in one word depressing.
You say your dreams are beautiful. Great, it means you're not dead - and maybe not so willing to die. Rather than living in your dreams, why wouldn't you try to bring them (or some of them) to life - into your life? Maybe that's simply what you need.
Sorry if I'm wrong. |
Edited by - Frog in the Sand on 06/27/2004 00:55:15 |
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Minky303
- FB Fan -
USA
66 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 03:20:23
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I've got a trippy book recommendation, _Conversations with God: an uncommon dialogue_ by mr. neale donald walsch.. *alert* this is not distributed by focus on the family or any other stupid christian critters.
Don't know if anyone else has read it but its a nice "new age" (if it demands a label?) spirituality book - with a totally different spin on how to look at life. So sit down, read, trip out, and think about what you want in life
You might think the books a load of crap, possibly, but hey it can still distract, or trip you out, for a little while.
It made me happy, AND I can finally read/see the word "God" without recoiling in horror.. but thats my own thing
*edit* Before tripping out (what was I talking about, this is why I don't post much heh...) I just wanted to mention that going to talk to somebody is a grand idea. Depression gives you tunnel vision/thoughts and you only see that one negative perspective - eventually you believe it to be reality and thats really hard to break out of. But the important thing to remember is that depression is a temporary condition .. you will feel better just remember that.
I mentioned that book because its a different, positive perspective.. like focusing on who you want to be, instead of spending energy trying to figure out who you are. Like creating reality versus discovering reality.
Anyway the more perspectives you've got, the better things look.. is basically what my trippy post meant..
Making the decision to go talk with someone (and meds can help clear the fog, and are often used temporarily) is the most important thing to do.. |
Edited by - Minky303 on 06/28/2004 14:21:37 |
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Coldheartofstone
* Dog in the Sand *
Canada
2025 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 03:42:53
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El Barto,
I am feeling almost the exact same way you are.
It's been going on for quite a while...a couple years.
I'm trying the "trip" solution right now, I've come up to Ottawa for a week just to get a change of my surroundings. But the same feeling is there.
I wish I had some advice...but it's not working so far for me, so how could i help anyone else. I guess I just have to say you're not alone.
That whole suicide thing is pretty serious. When I was in the hospital and thinking I was going to die, I actually hoped I would. It's not a nice feeling.
Her life was saved by Rock & Roll. |
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Monsieur
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1688 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 06:49:15
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El Jimbo,
I didn't notice your absence because I wasn't on the forum before (is this sentence ambiguous enough?)
I am frequently depressed, but never deeply and never for a long period - I usually get rid of it through sports and other physical activities. So I guess I cannot really help you by describing my own case, I just wanted to say that you seem a really nice person and I really felt concerned about what you said. You shouldn't be ashamed about what you wrote, being depressed means you are a caring and smart person who thinks about things. I don't think you sounded pathetic, in fact it is quite courageous to say that kind of things.
One of my best friends has serious problems with this, though. Two years ago, he attempted a suicide and spent 6 months in the psychiatric hospital. Now he's a lot better, and medical care did work for him as it turned out to be more serious than a simple depression.
One thing that helps me when I'm feeling down - I say to myself that what I really want is more life, not less life. |
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Dave Noisy
Minister of Chaos
Canada
4496 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 10:32:04
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You can't 'leave' your problems behind. Your problems are actually a part of your psyche, and need to be realized and dealt with in this respect..no amount of distance will solve personal issues..
Three years ago i was rather fed-up with my life in Victoria...so i moved to Norfolk, VA (work for PETA, be with an amazing woman who just happened to be in love with me ;) but that didn't work out...(was there six months.) From there i tried Toronto, big city of opportunities...but lasted about four months there.
I've been back in Victoria for two years, and i'm really happy where i'm at now. A little perspective can be helpful..
 Join the Cult of the Flying Pigxies - I'm A Believer! |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 12:38:25
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You can't leave them behind, perhaps, but you can take a break from them. Relocating is sort of a different animal than travelling and living day-day.
At least for me, travelling gave me an entirely new perspective and I think I'm more happy now than I've ever been. Not to say I'm a fountain of bliss or something over here, but I don't generally get down like I used to. Now I just get snarly. :)
 "When 5000 posts you reach / Look as good you will not, hmmm?" |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 15:15:33
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I don't think the travelling thing works for everyone. I have been a depressive for a long long time and used to crave some sort of physical release from it, some actual emobodiment that I could deal with because it's so hard to deal with the fuck ups inside your head. Nearly all of my good friends are the same, all of us with our own little self destructivity mechanisms, drink, drugs starvation. Mine was self mutilation, to actually have something I could see, at the time I thought it was normal. At the time I thought it was great. I was so fucking wrong. I wasn't one of those look at me self harmers, no one knew unless I wanted them to know so no one knew. It came to a point where it could not go on any more. I couldn't get out of bed I couldn't talk without crying and I'd be lying there twitching for my blade. I didn't want the drugs either but I did it, for a few months, seroxat at a low dose then prozac at a low dose then a higher dose then the maximum dose and then I stopped. I am 4 years clean with no drugs and no self harm and it has not been easy.
Suicide was often a thought that passed through my head and still does to this day I don't know if that ever goes away but i tell you it is not an option. The devestation it leaves in it's wake is too much to deal with, because no matter how much you feel like you are on your own you never are, no matter how inadequate an indiviual might feel just existing means you are touching other peoples lives, and you can't take that away from them. When I was 11 A boy I'd known for a long time hung himself, we weren't even that close but the horrible sudden shift of the world and the aching feeling of guilt never goes away.
Life is a cunt. It is full of highs and lows and those transitionary periods that make time feel like treacle, so slow you think the pressure will make your mind fucking implode. But I hold on to my highs and the small things that make me happy because that is what I have to keep me grounded. Look at the things you love, your comfort zones the people you love. You are never a burden to your family and friends. People are always fascinating. Songs never stop being great. Books never stop feeling important. The feeling that comes when anything makes your heart race never stops feeling good. The sunlight on your face and the sight of your breath in the cold cold air are proof enough that it is ok to be alive. And internet forums are never lacking in shoulders to cry on.
It is hard to kick the apathetic overcoat that comes with depression and there's no quick and easy way of peeling that fucking thing off but it is a far better thing to try.
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 15:22:37
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Thats was beautifully put Tre. I guess there is nothing else to add really.
__________________________________________________
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
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BLT
> Teenager of the Year <
South Sandwich Islands
4204 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 15:27:14
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Sometimes you've got to back away from the trees to know you're in a forest.
What if 'personal issues' are being fomented by occurrences in an environment close to home? An abusive mate, a torturous job, sleep disruptions, etc., etc. Temporarily getting away from that can give one some peace of mind to make more sound decisions. |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 15:39:59
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Yeah, Im with Homer, that was Beautifully put.
I had some very close people in my life that fell in to a lot of forms of self mutilation. This one irl..my oldest friend, my bestfriend, and at one point, the only person i felt who cared began self mutilation.
Not only was she cutting herself, she was skinning her self with her blades, she was also anorexic, used to pull her hair out...all sorts.
It was just so heartbreaking to see. No matter what I did, I could only get her too stop for short peroids at a time..She might stop cutting ehrself, say for a week, a 3 months even at one point, and then suddenly id see a spot of blood on her clothing where a wound had opened.
Its a horrible circle to be in. You feel let down after everything youve tried to do for them, and yet you feel youve let them down. i HATE THAT FEELING.
Shes almost ok now. after numerous near death experiences. I got her over the anorexia (occasional short relapses...but nothing like it was) she a beautifully healthy 8 and a half stone. (should be 9, but hell, its better then 4 and a half), and the scars barely show any more. But it still sends a steak through my heart when I see them.
Ive had various experiences slightly more personal to me that i wont go in to on here. I just dont ... erm, ive lost the point of thsi post now.
I just feel that everything happens for a reason, and as horrid as it souns, everything that happens makes you stronger. and when youve seen how strong you are to get through this...I dont know. Justdont give up.
I bet you never thought your movie would turn out this way
You crossed the other way, youd hope i wouldnt see you, you say youre doing fine, but thats not what it looks like, your undercovers on...
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the lighter side of death
