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KingOfSiam
- FB LinkMaster -
USA
460 Posts |
 Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:19:06
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Blonde in a hot tub....
"Is it true that I'll drown if you take your finger out?" |
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Steak n Sabre
* Dog in the Sand *
Uzbekistan
1013 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:21:54
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So, Grandpa's driving with his 5yr old grandaughter and honks the horn by mistake. When she gives him a look he says, Sorry, I hit the horn accidently. I know that, she says. He asks her, how do you know that young lady? Because you didn't say asshole afterwards....
 The Cult of Frank: Stick with the best, screw all the rest... |
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benji
> Teenager of the Year <
New Zealand
3426 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:24:14
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Q: whats the best thing about fucking 28-year olds?
A: there's 20 of them.
Q: whats the best way to stop children playing in your yard?
A: molest them
Q: what sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?
A: a baby with a potato peeler
 "I joined the Cult of Frank / I think that man deserves a DB!" |
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ObfuscateByWill
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1887 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:47:24
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quote:
Originally posted by benji
Q: whats the best thing about fucking 28-year olds?
A: there's 20 of them.
Q: whats the best way to stop children playing in your yard?
A: molest them
Q: what sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?
A: a baby with a potato peeler
Boo!
*I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but I gave them all up when I realized I was flogging a dead horse. |
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benji
> Teenager of the Year <
New Zealand
3426 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:53:28
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i apologise for the jokes, but i realised with great dispair that these were the only ones which i actually remembered.
"I joined the Cult of Frank / I think that man deserves a DB!" |
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KingOfSiam
- FB LinkMaster -
USA
460 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 09:42:36
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Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her
husband's been in a terrible automobile accident...
She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
been
in an accident.
They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He
comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.
"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.
Yes sir, what's happened? How is my husband?
The doctor sits next to her and says...
"Not good news. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of
his
spine."
"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "what is your prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is
inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you
will have to feed him."
Mrs. Jones begins to sob...
"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent
pneumonia."
Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as
he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers
must be changed at least five times a day."
Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails...
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a
regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels
will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must
clean him immediately to avoid
accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to
wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass...
Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mrs. Jones on the
shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just teasing you. He's dead."
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Adam
= Cult of Ray =
USA
505 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 09:54:00
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| Mary Jane was walking through the woods and a guy came up to her and said "take off all your clothes". MJ just laughed and laughed because she new her clothes wouldn't fit him. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 10:34:06
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Q: How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her "Drinks are on the house!"
Why is 'monosyllabic' such a long word? |
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TarTar
* Dog in the Sand *
1965 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 10:40:12
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How can you tell if you're at a gay picnic?
The hot dogs taste like shit.
"(insert clever quote here)" |
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TarTar
* Dog in the Sand *
1965 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 10:45:10
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So this old, retired sailor realizes he doesn't have much time left, and he decides he wants to live it up like the old days and go find a hooker and get laid. So he goes to a hooker, gives her the money, and they start getting their groove on. After a few minutes, the sailor, not having been with a woman in quite some time, decides he needs to get some input from the hooker. He asks her, "How am I doing so far?" She responds, "Well, you're running at three knots right now." Puzzled, the sailor asks, "Three knots? What the hell are you talking about?" The hooker responds, "You're knot up, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
"(insert clever quote here)" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 10:54:10
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quote:
Originally posted by bedrock_barney
I find that most jokes that you tend to hear are just not funny. This thread has confirmed my hypothesis.
prozacrat - I'm surprised you felt comfortable listing your 'joke'. A couple of apologies before and after doesn't wash.
 "I've rejoined the Cult of Ming / Star of favourite childhood movie of 1980"
I think it's the windows joke that he should apologise for!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 11:03:04
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what was the first joke?????????
Why is 'monosyllabic' such a long word? |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 11:03:06
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I vote King Of Siam's last joke as the best so far!!! Very good.
Here's another:
Two aerials fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was a disaster but the reception was brilliant.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 11:42:45
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A duck goes into a shop and asks "Can I have a beer please?'
The shopkeeper says "We don't sell beer", so the duck walks out.
A few minutes later he returns and asks again, "Can I have a beer please?"
So the shopkeeper goes " I already told you, we don't serve beer."
The duck leaves again but(preditably)returns and, of course, again says
"Can I have a beer please?"
So the frustrated shopkeeper says, "Look, If ask me that again I'm gonna NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE FLOOR!"
So the duck pauses for a moment and asks: "Can I have some nails please?"
The shopkeeper says"We don't have any."
And the duck says "Can I have a beer please?"
Sorry....(Gulp!!) |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 11:44:46
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I've heard that one before Carl and I like it!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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prozacrat
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1186 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 14:53:55
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I've heard Carl's, too. A few variations, but otherwise it's the same one. Damn funny.
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 15:25:15
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Speaking of ducks:
A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "That'll be $3." The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
I've reached 1000 posts / So I'm too cool to be in a cult. |
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mun chien andalusia
= Quote Accumulator =
Italy
2139 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 16:50:52
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A tourist drives through Texas and he's left out of gas. So he stops in a gas station, where he notices an agitated crowd. He asks one guy what happened and he tells him that a black guy had taken a gas pump, poured gas all over his body and then set himself on fire.
"oh god that's terrible! And what are you doing here?"
"we are raising funds for his family"
"that's great! How much did you collect till now?"
"50 gallons"
 join the cult of errol\and you can have a beer\without having to quit smoking
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Sir Rockabye
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1158 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 17:11:34
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quote:
Originally posted by Broken Face
i know lots of cheesy jokes
how many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10 - chris carrabba will do it, and the rest will cry
- "I joined the Cult of Frank / And they tried to cut off my nuts and make me put on a blue jumpsuit"
I have a slight variation on this one.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry about it.
How many ska kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10. One to try and screw it in and drop it, while the other 9 dance around it in a circle chanting "Pick it up, Pick it up, Pick it up."
Aloha means goodbye, and also hello. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 17:32:23
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Q: How many weightlifters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 5, One to screw it in, the other four to stand around and tell him "YOU'RE HUGE!"
Why is 'monosyllabic' such a long word? |
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SpudBoy
= Cult of Ray =
Equatorial Guinea
649 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 17:58:57
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Ode to TarTar:
A crumpled pile of string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender yells "We don't serve string in here!!" The string protests and claims he is not, in fact, string. The bartender says "You're telling me you're not string?", to which our protagonist replies "I'm a frayed knot!"
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Broken Face
-= Forum Pistolero =-
USA
5155 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 18:04:45
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another lightbulb one:
how many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
25 - 1 to do it, and 24 to say that they could do it faster
-brian
- "I joined the Cult of Frank / And they tried to cut off my nuts and make me put on a blue jumpsuit"
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SpudBoy
= Cult of Ray =
Equatorial Guinea
649 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 18:11:20
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Ok stop me if you've heard this one...
A man carrying three ducks walks into a bar. He puts them down on the bar, has a few shots and starts up a conversation with the bartender. The bartender has learned from experience not to ask people about the animals they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy goes to the toilet, leaving the ducks on the bar. The bartender decides to seize the oppurtunity to talk to the ducks. He asks the first duck "So what's your name?"
"Huey," says the first duck.
"How's your day been Huey?"
"Great. Had a ball. I've been in and out of puddles all day!"
"That's nice," said the bartender.
Then he says to the second duck: "Hello there, and what's your name?"
The second duck says "Dewey"
"So, how was your day, Dewey?"
"Great. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance I'd do it all over again."
Finally the bartender turns to the third duck and says: "So you must be Louie"
The third duck spits in his face and says "No, my name is Puddles - and don't ask about my fucking day!"
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KingOfSiam
- FB LinkMaster -
USA
460 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2004 : 10:36:59
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Jesus walks into a hotel,
places 3 nails on the counter and says...
can you put me up for the night! |
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2004 : 10:58:23
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So a dull joke walks into a bar and the bartender says:
"You're from FB.net, aren't you?"
Just quit a cult / going through withdrawal |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2004 : 15:15:00
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So, a man walks into a bar, and says, "Ouch!"
I've reached 1000 posts / So I'm too cool to be in a cult. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2004 : 15:30:56
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quote:
Originally posted by ProverbialCereal
So a dull joke walks into a bar and the bartender says:
"You're from FB.net, aren't you?"
Just quit a cult / going through withdrawal
Ooh that smarts!!!
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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offerw
* Dog in the Sand *
South Africa
1264 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2004 : 23:11:41
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Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
Because they taste funny.
wilhelm |
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offerw
* Dog in the Sand *
South Africa
1264 Posts |
Posted - 05/07/2004 : 23:18:31
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Two nuns go walking in the woods. Two barbarians grab them, force them into the bushes and rape them. One nun starts praying: "Lord, forgive this man, he does not know what he is doing" The other nun snaps back: "Oh shut up, mine knows exactly what he is doing"
wilhelm |
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2004 : 00:03:53
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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call her and tell her where you are... |
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Newo
~ Abstract Brain ~
Spain
2674 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2004 : 06:00:55
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Rabbit running through the forest and he happens upon a tiger. The tiger is smoking a joint. Rabbit sez 'Hey Mr. Tiger put that down and come running with me' and tiger sez 'No thanks, I'm well within my comfort zone. Why don't you run along.' Rabbit runs along and meets a lion drinking vodka. 'Lion lion come running with me.' The lion sez he doesn't feel like it, so the rabbit runs on. Further on, he meets a bear. The bear is smoking crack. Rabbit sez 'Bear why don't you come-' and the bear reaches out a meaty paw and wallops the rabbit. The lion comes shuffling into the clearing and sez 'What you do that for?' and the bear sez 'Damn rabbit always wants me to come running with him when he's on pills.'
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three - one to screw in the bulb and two to make a documentary about it.
-Owen |
Edited by - Newo on 05/08/2004 06:09:12 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2004 : 07:42:00
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Hey this one's for Stu:
Did you know the Chinese discovered smoking?
Apparently some Chinese people were working in a tobacco field when a small fire was accidentally started. They could smell the tobacco burning and one of them said, "Mmmmm that smells nice - I think Ill go buy a packet of fags!"
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Newo
~ Abstract Brain ~
Spain
2674 Posts |
Posted - 05/08/2004 : 12:47:40
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quote:
ObfuscateByWill Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:47:24
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by benji
Q: whats the best thing about fucking 28-year olds?
A: there's 20 of them.
Q: whats the best way to stop children playing in your yard?
A: molest them
Q: what sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?
A: a baby with a potato peeler
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Boo!
*I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but I gave them all up when I realized I was flogging a dead horse.
Sez Mr Tasteful Signature.
-Owen |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2004 : 03:39:49
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Why is milk the fastest thing in the world?
Because it’s pasteurised before you see it.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2004 : 10:00:11
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Hey now HPM, one instance of a bad joke is quite enough, thank you!
Just a warning. No points have been removed this time, as you're in Padrone "di scacchi" Adnan's Clever Club now.
I like people who glue macaroni on to a piece of cardboard and paint it gold. That's what I aspire to basically. - Tom Waits |
Edited by - apl4eris on 05/09/2004 15:58:19 |
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
