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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
 Posted - 05/04/2004 : 15:03:09
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OK I am creating a joke topic for people to post jokes, as as when they feel like cheering everyone up. It doesn't matter how lame they are, one man's Fozzy Bear is another man's Bill Hicks!!!
Let me get us started with a short one.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra..........
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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misleadtheworld
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1222 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 15:13:00
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Why did the elephant take a toilet roll to the birthday party?
....because he was a party pooper.
 It's getting colder.... |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 15:14:06
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Like I said, it really doesn't matter how lame they are..............
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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misleadtheworld
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1222 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 15:15:15
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But beat that. I posted on exactly 15:13:00 the first time, and 15:15:15 this time!
It's getting colder.... |
Edited by - misleadtheworld on 05/04/2004 15:16:47 |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 15:21:43
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Why do giraffes have such long necks?
..........their feet smell!
Why is 'monosyllabic' such a long word? |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 15:22:16
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What time zone?
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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misleadtheworld
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1222 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 15:22:29
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What to you call a literate dinosaur?
(oh dear)
......a Thesaurus.
It's getting colder.... |
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misleadtheworld
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1222 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 15:23:38
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I've no idea. I'm guessing eastern standard time, whatever is the forum's default.
It's getting colder.... |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 15:29:29
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Two blondes walked into a bar.............
....you'd think one of them would have seen it.
Why is 'monosyllabic' such a long word? |
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soundofataris
= Cult of Ray =
USA
715 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 16:37:57
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So two brothers, Jimmy and Jason, wake up early on christmas morning. They run into the den and there, under the evergreen, lies a huge pile of wrapped gifts. The two brothers deciede to take turns openning their gifts.
Jimmy picks up a package first and reads the tag. "Oh, here Jason. This one's for you."
"Wow, thanks, Jimmy!" Jason opens it, and inside is a brand new X-box. "Wow, awesome! OK, now its your turn, Jimmy"
So Jimmy picks up another, but its also for Jason! "Here Jason, her's another" Inside's a brand new bee-bee gun.
"SO cool!! Thanks for finding this for me Jimmy. Ok, what's next?" They open another, it's a new bike, and its also for Jason. And another, and another, and another, till they're all gone, and every single gift has been for Jason, and Not a Single Gift for Jimmy!!!
Jason, looking at his huge pile of incredible, awesome gifts, felt really bad for his brother, who didn't get a single thing. "Oh, I 'm sorry, Jimmy. I'm sorry that I got all this great stuff and you didn't get anything. That really sucks."
"Oh, Jason, that's alreight," Jimmy sez "At least I don't have cancer."
Some like wine and some like hops but what I really love is my scotch |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 16:55:18
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What's better than winning gold at the special olympics?
.....not being retarded.
EDIT - that was a co-worker, not me! do not hate me for that one!
Why is 'monosyllabic' such a long word? |
Edited by - shineoftheever on 05/04/2004 16:56:23 |
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ObfuscateByWill
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1887 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 17:13:02
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A young bachelor walks into a grocery store.
He picks up some potato chips, a few microwave dinners, a few liters of soda and a six-pack of beer.
When he reaches the checkout he notices that the cashier is a very, very attractive woman.
He feels she is so beautiful that when she glances up at him and smiles a greeting, he goes weak-in-the-knees and nearly falls. He is in love!
As she's scanning his items she says, "Wow, I sure hope you're single!"
She hopes he's single! He has a chance!
He says, "Well, yeah, I'm single." He smiles.
"I thought you might be" she said
"Oh, beacuse of the stuff I'm buying?"
"No. You're fuckin' ugly."
*I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but I gave them all up when I realized I was flogging a dead horse. |
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ramona
"FB Quote Mistress"
USA
3988 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 17:36:35
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My boy told me two jokes Saturday which go:
A man walks into a bar with jumper cables under his arm and the bartendar says "don't start somethin'".
Also,
A man walks into a bar with a piece of assvalt under his arm and asks for two drinks. The bartender says "but there is only one of you" and the man says "one for me... and one for the road".
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there's fire if you want it, let me know. I'm sick and tired of letting go... |
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TameReg
- FB Fan -
USA
110 Posts |
Posted - 05/04/2004 : 22:07:39
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| Two martians come down to Earth in their UFO on a mission to meet the leader of the Earth. They land by an old gas station. Not knowing what people look like, they think the gas pump is a person. So they approach the gas pump and say "Take us to your leader". Now, obviously the gas pump doesn't reply. The one gets mad and says "Boy, who does this guy think he is? He's just ignoring us. We ought to teach him a lesson". The other one says " No, Lets leave this guy alone and find someone else". But the first one says "No, I want him to tell us! Hey you, take us to your leader". But again, of course, the gas pump doesn't reply. Now the second one says " C'mon let's get out of here. This guy isn't someone we want to mess with. Let find someone else". But now the first one is furious and says "No, I've had it with this guy". So he pulls out his laser gun and says, "Allright you, either you take us to your leader right now, or I'm gonna blow you away". Now the second one is pleading with him "No, I'm telling you, let's find someone else, I can tell this guy's a badass, let's just go". But the first one says "No, I've had it", and fires his gun. Well the gas pump blows up, and the Martians get knocked back about 200 feet. As they're lying there stunned, the first one says "Wow! You were right. He was a badass. But how did you know?". The second one answers, " Well, I just figured anyone who could take their penis, wrap it around their body twice, and then stick it in their ear, must be a badass!". |
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Adam
= Cult of Ray =
USA
505 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 08:49:19
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Q: Ask me if I'm a tree?
A: No.
Please laugh, this is my favorite joke. It is just funny. |
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Adam
= Cult of Ray =
USA
505 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 08:50:37
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How many surrealistic paniters does it take to change a light bulg?
Bar-B-Que Sause |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 08:59:13
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A cannibal turns to his buddy at dinner and says, "You know, I really hate my mother-in-law." His friend says, "Hey, no big deal, just eat the vegetables!"
Denis
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ShakeyShake
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1058 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 10:34:48
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Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
Traction control in the mud
"I joined the Cult of this guy / 'cause they took my other picture away |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 11:27:18
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Continuing with the crap bar jokes:
Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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ramona
"FB Quote Mistress"
USA
3988 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 15:32:36
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Are you calling my jokes crap? How ruuude. 
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there's fire if you want it, let me know. I'm sick and tired of letting go... |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 15:37:09
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Q: What did one nut say to the other?
A: Don't talk to the one in the middle, he's a real dick.
Why is 'monosyllabic' such a long word? |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 22:01:59
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I saw a comic strip one time -
Husband: You know dear, have I ever told you that I love this casserole?
Wife (flattered}: Why, no.
Husband: THEN WHY DO KEEP MAKING IT?
"I stayed at an old motel once; they sent me a wake-up letter. My car has a spontaneous combustion engine. I had to take it to a quantum mechanic". - Steven Wright |
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prozacrat
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1186 Posts |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 23:35:05
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Here's one that's a little less offensive than before. I'm a Mac fan, so...
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
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Edited by - prozacrat on 05/06/2004 03:04:22 |
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bedrock_barney
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
871 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 01:32:09
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I find that most jokes that you tend to hear are just not funny. This thread has confirmed my hypothesis.
prozacrat - I'm surprised you felt comfortable listing your 'joke'. A couple of apologies before and after doesn't wash.
 "I've rejoined the Cult of Ming / Star of favourite childhood movie of 1980" |
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This_Guy
- FB Fan -
Canada
146 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 01:49:10
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| i think that last one abruptly killed my desire for any kind of humor right now. |
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prozacrat
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1186 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 02:50:47
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Sorry. I didn't know what kind of jokes people were generally going for in the thread. It's not so much of a joke as a that's-just-wrong story. In hindsight I figure I shouldn't have, but I heard it recently and wondered if I was the only one. Should I edit it out of there? Find something that's actually funny-ha-ha?
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prozacrat
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1186 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 03:07:17
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To Bedrock Barney and This Guy and whoever read that before I changed it, yeah. Bad. I had usually reserved that "joke" for when people have been trying to outdo each other's horrible "jokes" and I want to win and leave. But I haven't slept for a couple days. Judgment impared. Don't want anybody thinking that that thing reflects my personality. I'm gonna go home and sleep now.
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Broken Face
-= Forum Pistolero =-
USA
5155 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 06:22:55
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i know lots of cheesy jokes
how many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
10 - chris carrabba will do it, and the rest will cry
a horse walked in to a bar and the bartender said "why such a long face?"
what did one strawberry say to the other?
if you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attatched to the front of his pants. when he gets to the bar, the bartender says, "hey buddy, whats that thing for?" the pirate replies "arg, its driving me nuts"
-brian
 - "I joined the Cult of Frank / And they tried to cut off my nuts and make me put on a blue jumpsuit"
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 06:29:46
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My turn! My turn!
A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." The man replies, "Yes, I know." The dentist snaps back, "So why did you come in here?" The man says, "The light was on."
Denis
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ObfuscateByWill
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1887 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 07:45:10
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quote:
Originally posted by prozacrat
To Bedrock Barney and This Guy and whoever read that before I changed it, yeah. Bad. I had usually reserved that "joke" for when people have been trying to outdo each other's horrible "jokes" and I want to win and leave. But I haven't slept for a couple days. Judgment impared. Don't want anybody thinking that that thing reflects my personality. I'm gonna go home and sleep now.
Wait. I didn't have a chance to see the joke.
Re-post it!
*I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but I gave them all up when I realized I was flogging a dead horse. |
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apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 07:55:41
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I like your joke very much, vilainde!
prozacrat, I'm dying with curiosity. Must've been a real doozy.
I like people who glue macaroni on to a piece of cardboard and paint it gold. That's what I aspire to basically. - Tom Waits |
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KingOfSiam
- FB LinkMaster -
USA
460 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:12:19
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Why did the condom fly across the room?
It was pissed off!
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KingOfSiam
- FB LinkMaster -
USA
460 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:13:04
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Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
It was dead! |
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KingOfSiam
- FB LinkMaster -
USA
460 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:13:51
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How can you tell if a man is gay?
His dick tastes like shit! |
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Adam
= Cult of Ray =
USA
505 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:15:53
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead. |
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KingOfSiam
- FB LinkMaster -
USA
460 Posts |
Posted - 05/06/2004 : 08:17:32
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A husband and wife are having marital problems and decide to see a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor can tell both of them are uneasy so she says:
"let's start by talking about something that you both have in common."
The husband replies:
"Well neither of us suck dick" |
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Topic |
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JOKES!!!
