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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
 Posted - 08/02/2006 : 11:03:07
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Inspired by off-topic Chuck Norris remarks in the "Funny Email Thread", I decided to start my own Chuck Norris thread. I can't think of any Chuck Norris related remarks at the time, but I will sooner or later.
Until then,
 "Meow" |
Edited by - mr.biscuitdoughhead on 08/02/2006 12:49:09 |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5448 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 11:04:39
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| Why doesn't Chuck Woolery get his own thread? |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 11:05:34
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Actually yeah, how the hell did Mr Norris avoid his own thread back then?
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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starmekitten
-= Forum Pistolera =-
United Kingdom
6370 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 11:08:28
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| Did you fill in all the forms for official thread status in triplicate? I didn't see any forms for official thread status in my inbox so I'm assuming not. Please remove the word official from the title of your thread because fb.net does not endorse this thread. |
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Broken Face
-= Forum Pistolero =-
USA
5155 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 11:16:16
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Chuck Norris does not own a microwave, oven or stove, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
-Brian - http://bvsrant.blogspot.com |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 11:31:09
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We could be here a while...
I put it to the court that the movie Dodgeball has the three best cameo appearances of any film, ever: Chuck Norris, David Hasselhoff and William Shatner.
 Hail to the king, baby! |
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El Loco
- FB Fan -
206 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 11:36:54
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taken from PM.COM
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Additional Chuck Norris Facts
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
* Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
* Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
* The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
* A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
* The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
* Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
* There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, and football-- in that order.
* Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. |
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a guy in a rover
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
535 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 12:13:59
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These Chuch Norris 'Facts' were funny for about ten minutes when they first appeared. Now theyre just getting tedious.
Kiss my ring...I am the greatest
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El Loco
- FB Fan -
206 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 12:15:28
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| they're still funny, like an old movie |
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starmekitten
-= Forum Pistolera =-
United Kingdom
6370 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 12:18:51
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quote:
* Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Laughed out loud. |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 12:54:35
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
Actually yeah, how the hell did Mr Norris avoid his own thread back then?
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
Someone tried to start one, but Chuck ate him.
"Meow" |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5448 Posts |
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El Loco
- FB Fan -
206 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 20:29:48
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| styx - too much time on my hands |
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danjersey
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
2787 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 20:59:24
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[quote]Originally posted by El Loco
taken from PM.COM
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
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ScottP
= Cult of Ray =
USA
618 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 21:42:11
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My dad and Chuck Norris are long time friends. My little brother, me, my dad, and Chuck Norris take off to Camloops to go fishing in the summer of '77. The first night in this lodge room, its me and my bro in one bed, Chuck in a cot, and my dad in another bed. We all get settled in but forget to turn the main light off. Chuck Norris threw his pillow at the light switch and turned it off.
That was sweet. |
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starmekitten
-= Forum Pistolera =-
United Kingdom
6370 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 23:57:07
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Sigh....
My favourite:
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2006 : 04:43:35
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quote:
Originally posted by El Loco
taken from PM.COM
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Additional Chuck Norris Facts
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
* Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
* Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
* The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
* A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
* The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
* Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
* There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, and football-- in that order.
* Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
I posted that in the Funny Email Thread a few days ago. Along with the Mr T one.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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dayanara
* Dog in the Sand *
Australia
1811 Posts |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2006 : 08:14:27
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quote:
Originally posted by ScottP
My dad and Chuck Norris are long time friends. My little brother, me, my dad, and Chuck Norris take off to Camloops to go fishing in the summer of '77. The first night in this lodge room, its me and my bro in one bed, Chuck in a cot, and my dad in another bed. We all get settled in but forget to turn the main light off. Chuck Norris threw his pillow at the light switch and turned it off.
That was sweet.
It' good job you're not Skatealex1. Chuck would be lecturing you about drug use.
Join the Cult Of Pob! And don't forget to listen to the Pobcast! |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5448 Posts |
Posted - 08/03/2006 : 12:40:57
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quote:
Originally posted by Carl
quote:
Originally posted by ScottP
My dad and Chuck Norris are long time friends. My little brother, me, my dad, and Chuck Norris take off to Camloops to go fishing in the summer of '77. The first night in this lodge room, its me and my bro in one bed, Chuck in a cot, and my dad in another bed. We all get settled in but forget to turn the main light off. Chuck Norris threw his pillow at the light switch and turned it off.
That was sweet.
It' good job you're not Skatealex1. Chuck would be lecturing you about drug use.
Or his Bible study course. |
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2006 : 00:28:39
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quote:
Originally posted by mr.biscuitdoughhead
Inspired by off-topic Chuck Norris remarks in the "Funny Email Thread", I decided to start my own Chuck Norris thread. I can't think of any Chuck Norris related remarks at the time, but I will sooner or later.
Until then,
"Meow"
Wow, I can't wait for your chuck norris remarks, and I'm sure the entire internet is on pins and needles waiting for them. Very creative. And your signature sucks. I hate looking at it. Please, your signature privileges have expired.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p61mD558egA |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2006 : 12:12:26
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| Why thank you. |
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broken part
- FB Fan -
226 Posts |
Posted - 08/07/2006 : 18:59:14
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quote:
Originally posted by mr.biscuitdoughhead
Inspired by off-topic Chuck Norris remarks in the "Funny Email Thread", I decided to start my own Chuck Norris thread. I can't think of any Chuck Norris related remarks at the time, but I will sooner or later.
Until then,
"Meow"
See that pussy? I skined it and put the hide around my face. |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2006 : 10:59:49
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Chuck Norris is secretly a gay, vegan, agnostic communist.
Er, very secretly.
Join the Cult Of Pob! And don't forget to listen to the Pobcast! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2006 : 12:06:34
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He's gonna kick your ass Carl.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2006 : 16:38:53
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"Wanna step in the ring, tough guy?"
Join the Cult Of Pob! And don't forget to listen to the Pobcast! |
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Suicide_Samurai
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
431 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2006 : 17:19:13
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quote:
Originally posted by El Loco
* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Am I missing something, or is there not a single trace of wit in this one?
Anyway, don't know if this one's been said yet, but my favourite is:
When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet; the water gets Chucked.
Some idiots ruin it by saying "gets Chuck Norrised," though... |
Edited by - Suicide_Samurai on 08/08/2006 17:20:06 |
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jimmy
= Cult of Ray =
USA
876 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2006 : 19:13:56
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Thanks El Loco, those were good, I had only heard the JFK one before so it was good to finally see the others- love the crop circle one. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2006 : 22:41:28
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a dog turns around three times before lying down because he's checking for chuck norris.
i met chuck norris once he was short and i was on acid so i was smiling all weird and laughing, it was new years and he asked me where an open bar was, we were in a hotel lobby and instead of pointing to the bar in the hotel lobby i tried giving him directions to a bar that was about 5 blocks away that i thought he wouild like better, like i knew what chuck would like! i still wonder if he ever got there or just stopped at one of the 7 he would have passed on the way.
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/12/2006 : 05:46:16
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I don't get the second one.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 10/12/2006 : 13:54:29
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I wish all these drug-taking communist faggot internet kids would stop ragging on Chuck. Darn it, he's a hero to some of us. And at least he's got a decent haricut. He'll kick your ass, pwned.
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ScottP
= Cult of Ray =
USA
618 Posts |
Posted - 10/12/2006 : 14:25:09
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| Haricut? Chuck'll have your ass for that! |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 10/12/2006 : 17:57:02
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Chuck can have my ass any time! Er..I mean....
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2009 : 07:44:02
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did i ever tell you i met chuck norris? he was short.
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5448 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2009 : 17:19:51
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| This rash of revived threads is making it very apparent how many threads Carl killed. |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11674 Posts |
Posted - 05/01/2009 : 23:48:26
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My favourite, for some reason, was always number 2...
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
 "Now you're officially my woman. Kudos. I can't say I don't envy you." |
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Topic |
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The Chuck Norris Thread
