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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
 Posted - 11/07/2005 : 03:47:56
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Oh, perfect timing. This past Friday, my husband had this amusing email exchange with someone who applied for a sales position he's advertising for. My husband got a hand-written resume (minus references) on a ripped-up notebook paper, then this email entitled "Let's set up a time" (I am leaving all punctuation and language as is, but changing people's names):
Please call me to set up interview, I will furnish ref. at that time.
Thank you, for your time.......
Smr.
My husband's reply:
From: Mr. Kathryn
To: SMR
Subject: Re: Let's set up a time
Date: Fri, 04 Nov 2005 14:21:58 -0500
Mr. Rxxxx:
Thank you for your interest in our company.
References are a requirement in order to be considered for the job.
No offers will be made until we conduct an interview and speak to an
applicant's references.
So, the ball's in your court ...
- Mr. Kathryn
The applicant's next email was titled "Make me an offer":
To answer your questions Mr. Kathryn...I have been working in the food industry.Fine
dining Bartending and some managment..Food is really the final frontier and
great job security,people love to eat and have a good time.
I also have done some consulting for advertisers and have a very strong
background in sales.
Some Temp assignments that were very profitable for me and the company.
As far as references.... I will establish them when I have a better
understanding on what exactly you people are offering as far as
a postion and compensation.
I have excellent refferences.
My Supervisor would back me any day!!!!
I have nothing to hide!!!
I just don't understand your method.......What I'm I going to gain out of
coming to sell for you?
Call me so I can speak with you man to man!
The applicant did not sign his name.
My husband's reply:
Dear Mr. Applicant's last name:
I'm sure you can understand why information about an applicant's work
habits and history would be important to us, and previous employers are the only
reliable source of this info. We don't hire people unless we can be
confident of their ethics and professionalism. We have other applicants
who are providing references without hesitation. Those are the ones who get
interviews.
Your time at X Business is of interest. It would give you a leg-up over
the other applicants, most of whom have no such sales experience. I
would love to hire an experienced Name Of Business salesman - truly. But for
all I know you were fired after defecating on your supervisor's desk and
groping the receptionist. In the absence of references, employers assume
the worst. It's a red flag.
Since you can't (or won't) provide names of people who can vouch for your
performance and conduct, I can only assume you are not the type of person
we want representing our company. This may or may not be accurate, but I
can't take the chance.
I hope you will take this information to heart in your job search.
Sincerely,
Mr. Kathryn
The applicant's next email was entitled "Don't be difficult" and he addressed it to Mr. Kathryn by his first name
I will consider. Now make me that offer!!!!!!
S.
To which Mr. Kathryn replied:
References first.
Today is Monday I wonder if my husband will hear from the guy.
When we walked through Little Italy I saw my reflection come right off your face
I paint pictures to remember, you're too beautiful to put into words
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2005 : 03:55:03
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Man, if I was allowed you'd get some serious fun out of my emails. The one's we get from Nigerian applicants are just hilarious.
 I have joined the Cult Of Frank/And I have dearly paid |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2005 : 05:47:09
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Kathryn, that is brilliant. Keep us posted (can you post this guy's email address please?).
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 11/07/2005 : 06:49:00
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
Kathryn, that is brilliant. Keep us posted (can you post this guy's email address please?).
No can do, Mikey, but because I know what a big Beach Boys fan you are:
www.big-boys.com/articles/kosovo.html
When we walked through Little Italy I saw my reflection come right off your face
I paint pictures to remember, you're too beautiful to put into words
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 11/10/2005 : 10:05:00
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i spotted 2!
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2005 : 03:39:28
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From: Doctor Smith
To: Mr. Carl
Subject: Those tests
Date: 12 Nov
Dear Mr. Carl,
I got those tests back and I regret to inform you that you have only days to live. Sorry
Ha ha!! It's ridiculous!
 "I seem to have rejoined the cult of FB.Net!"
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 11/16/2005 : 18:39:57
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I just received this in an email and it struck me as funny:
I got some heaven in my head
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/17/2005 : 05:24:21
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Trixie at PixiesMusic did that.
"Join the Honeycult!"
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 11/21/2005 : 18:46:44
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That is so disappointing, KOK, that disclaimer warning that the videos contain adult material.
Where's my porn, dammit!?
I got some heaven in my head
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/22/2005 : 05:32:21
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Heehee, that Bakersfield rap thingy is funny!
"Join the Honeycult!"
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 11/22/2005 : 20:07:26
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This is from my friend Tony.
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT THANKSGIVING!
01. Talk about a huge breast!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It's Cool Whip time!
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
05. That's one terrific spread!
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
Posted - 11/22/2005 : 21:18:26
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At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the
>guys' side of the story.
>
>We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
>from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
>numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
>1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
>down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
>about you leaving it down.
>
>1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
>Let it be.
>
>1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
>that way.
>
>1. Crying is blackmail.
>
>1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
>Subtle hints do not work!
>Strong hints do not work!
>Obvious hints do not work!
>Just say it!
>
>1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
>1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
>what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
>fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
>to act like soap opera guys.
>
>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
>Don't ask us.
>
>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
>1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
>done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
>yourself.
>
>1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
>commercials
>
>1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
>
>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
>for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
>NO Idea what mauve is.
>
>1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
>1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,"
>we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just
>not worth the hassle.
>
>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
>you don't want to hear.
>
>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine
>... Really.
>
>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
>discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.
>
>1. You have enough clothes.
>
>1. You have too many shoes.
>
>1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
>
>1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
>tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
>
>Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
>
>Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
>
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2005 : 06:43:42
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Not sure if this is funny 'cos I haven't even checked it out properly myself as I am at work. Debaser is on there though.
http://eugenemirman.com/
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2005 : 10:46:20
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 Homers, that is hilarious! Immediately added to favorites and sent link to a couple of friends! I like the way he coughs doing The Times They Are A'Changin'!
"Join the Honeycult!"
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 11/25/2005 : 06:19:44
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quote:
Originally posted by Carl
Homers, that is hilarious! Immediately added to favorites and sent link to a couple of friends! I like the way he coughs doing The Times They Are A'Changin'!
"Join the Honeycult!"
Cool, I might have to bring some earphones into work then.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 11/25/2005 : 08:43:16
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Careful, loud fits of laughter may ensue!
"Join the Honeycult!"
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2005 : 15:15:35
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KOK, I love my big gay phone company!! And I disagree with you, shopping is a sport.
Homer, I thought your web site was hystrical. My husband asked if it was me singing if that tells you anything. |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
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Surfer Rosa
> Teenager of the Year <
4209 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2005 : 14:00:53
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Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2005 : 14:09:34
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Fucking hilarious! Thanks!
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Surfer Rosa
> Teenager of the Year <
4209 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2005 : 02:37:13
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This will probably only amuse the English board members, but here goes
A major hurricane (Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its
epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
"faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Th ree areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were=20 confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy
Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest
two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still
shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected
and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 £5 will
pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alcho-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said
the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 12/09/2005 : 14:48:13
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That's very clever, King of the Rodeo.
I got some heaven in my head
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2005 : 09:24:01
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A friend sent this U2-related hilarity from the onion.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43192
Rest Of U2 Perfectly Fine With Africans Starving
SAN FRANCISCO—Rock band U2, currently on tour in North America, is well-known for its human-rights advocacy, particularly its ongoing campaign to eradicate poverty in Africa. Less known to fans of the Irish supergroup, however, is that the lion's share of these efforts are made by lead singer Bono. The three other U2 members are perfectly okay with the dismal plight of Africa's poor.
"Yeah, that Africa stuff is Bono's thing," The Edge said. "I don't mind if he pursues other interests, but I really try to focus on the guitar riffs that give U2 its characteristic sound."
Bassist Adam Clayton, while "not opposed" to Bono's tireless efforts to improve the quality of life for impoverished Third World citizens, is apparently too busy to spearhead an anti-poverty initiative of his own.
"I was happy to help out with the Live 8 thing," said Clayton, referring to the July mega-concert benefit. "But ever since I discovered rock 'n' roll in the mid-'70s, music has been my passion, and I'd be lying if I said it was something different, like helping people."
Clayton added: "I don't have a problem with [Bono] trying to save Africa. Who knows, it might inspire some decent songs. But just as long as it doesn't interfere with the band."
In 2002, Bono started an organization called Debt, AIDS, Trade, Africa to raise awareness of the deep health and economic crises that cripple much of the continent. His fellow bandmates, however, do not lose any sleep over the debt crisis facing many African nations.
"If I could wave a magic wand and cure Africa's problems, I would do that," drummer Larry Mullen Jr. said. "But someone has to take care of the more practical, day-to-day stuff that Bono doesn't really bother with. Like, for example, how's the next album going to sound? How're we going to keep our live act fresh? I can't tell you how many millions of decisions go into making one Elevation tour."
Mullen added: "You don't win 14 Grammys feeding Africans."
In the rare moment they have free, Clayton, Mullen, and The Edge said they choose to relax and rejuvenate, without letting the plight of Africa's starving and disease-afflicted millions weigh too heavily on their minds.
"I have a garden to tend to when we're not on the road," The Edge said. "There's nothing wrong with taking care of your own little corner of the world. I work very hard in my garden."
When asked their opinion about Bono's prospects of being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize within the next year, the music-playing part of U2 could not stifle their groans.
"We had a big scare last year when [Bono's] name was put forward as the new president of the World Bank," Clayton said. "I mean, I have nothing against it, but it would just be more work for us, because we'd be left with the very challenging task of finding a new lead singer."
During live concerts, U2 audiences are treated to a stunning audiovisual experience, with Bono periodically giving his opinion on social and world events between songs. During these interludes, the rest of U2 is often conspicuously silent.
"When Bono starts telling the audience how messed up the world can be and how we should work together to make things better, I usually just zone out," Mullen said.
I got some heaven in my head
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HeywoodJablome
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1485 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2005 : 09:43:05
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quote:
Originally posted by kathryn
"When Bono starts telling the audience how messed up the world can be and how we should work together to make things better, I usually just zone out," Mullen said.
I got some heaven in my head
I actually burst out laughing when I read this.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
"I'll bet any of you lame ass motherfuckers a cigarette I can eat every butt in this ash tray." |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2005 : 09:54:54
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The subject line of a spam I got yesterday was "Did you have a sex yesterday?"
"If you doze much longer, then life turns to dreaming. If you doze much longer, then dreams turn to nightmares." |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2006 : 00:07:12
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Chuck Norris
The power of chuck Norris…
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS! and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, Don't f*ck with Chuck! Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief exporter of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying ‘booya’.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more humane.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by pointing and yelling Bang!
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can accidentally beat the shit out of little kids.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris appeared in the Street Fighter II video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this glitch, Norris replied, That's no glitch.
Mr T
The power of Mr. T…
Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has
taken you to read this sentence.
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then
created Pity.
On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.
Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.
Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth sh1t itself
and created Scotland.
Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.
Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Little Chef forgot his birthday.
Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.
Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.
Yoda had two sons. To one he taught pity, to the other he gave the gift of the beard.
Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.
Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.
It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.
Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.
One day when Mr. T was just a little T doing push-ups on the schoolyard, he heard some kids singing "I'm a little tea-pot." Thinking those kids were tarnishing his reputation by associating T and pot, mini Mr. T proceeded to rip off the kids' handles and dislocate their spouts before tipping them over and knocking them out.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2006 : 04:59:23
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
 pas de dutchie! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2006 : 05:49:37
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I was laughing all the way through it personally. The 80's comment was one of my faves though.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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I am not a number. I am a free man!