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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
 Posted - 01/10/2006 : 11:17:48
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 No way! He actually takes it as an opportunity to plug his books!
 pas de dutchie! |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2006 : 14:28:32
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I'll pay commission to anyone who can find me a life-size Chuck Norris cut out. We've already got the Chuck Norris Code Of Ethics on our front desk at work.
 I have joined the Cult Of Frank/And I have dearly paid |
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HeywoodJablome
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1485 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2006 : 18:13:13
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I got a buddy that used to play ball for USC and every so often Chuck would come in and give'm a "pep talk."
They used to call is Chucky Cheese day. |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2006 : 00:33:31
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And roundhouse kick anyone who wasn't paying attention?
pas de dutchie! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 01/11/2006 : 05:19:52
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I watched Dodgeball last night. Good to see Chuck making a cameo.
 I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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ramspam
- FB Fan -
Australia
24 Posts |
Posted - 01/14/2006 : 03:34:59
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My dad gets some really weird emails:
Dear Sir/Madam,
Do accept my sincere apologies if my mail does not
meet your
personal ethics. I will introduce myself as William, a staff
in
the accounts management section of a well-known bank here in
South Africa.
One of our accounts with holding balance of $15,000,000 (Fifteen Million dollars) has been dormant and has not been operated for the past 4 years.
From my investigations and confirmations, the
owner of this account a foreigner by name Austin Martins died in August 2000 and since then nobody has done anything as regards the claiming of this money because he has no family members who are aware of the existence of neither the account nor the funds. Also Information from the National Immigration states that he was also single on entry into the SA.
I have secretly discussed this matter with some of the bank officials and we have agreed to find a reliable foreign partner to deal with. We thus propose to do business with you, standing in as the next of kin of these funds from the deceased and funds released to you after due processes have been followed.
This transaction is totally free
of risk and troubles as the fund is a legitimate and does not originate from drug, money laundry, terrorism or any other illegal act.
On
your interest, let me hear from you.
Regards,
William.
and
Attn:Sir/Madam
I am the wife of Mr. Nicolai Sainovic one of the people of the former Yugoslavia indicted at the War Crime Tribunal in Hague.The indictment was politically motivated we must say, but there is nothing we can do now but to answer according to the law.The whole set-up we believe was a package some of the the western world has provided former Yugoslavia to contend with. Mr. Slobodan Miloschevich and my husband had kept some funds, American currencies in a private Bank to enable them take care of rebel problems.
However, now that the country they seeked to protect has turned against them,We need to transfer the money out for safety from where it has been lodged somewhere in Europe.The fund is in excess of 75million (Seventy Five Million Dollars). It can be transferred to you under diplomatic immunity or be paid into offshore accounts through which you will lay possession of it to foster some investment on our behalf.Can you Handle this projects? Are you capable of handling funds? Are you trustworthy? I have been asked to offer you 25%,for your assistance, Will that be ok for you?Please reply to me at the earliest to enable me stop contacting other persons for assistance.
Full name
Home and Office address
Phone & Fax number
Your company name
Your Position
These information are vital to the success of this transaction.Note that this transaction is risk free. I will commence immediately to secure all legal documents in your favor on your acceptance to fully co-operate with me.
I await your urgent response to enable us jump-start this project and nurture it to reality.
Yours faithfully,
Mrs.Suzzan Saivonic
--
Only fools have signatures |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 01/19/2006 : 15:50:27
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Here's one 
Signs you are old
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you
go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of
"hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as
"dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because
those damn kids next door won't turn down
the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex
jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes
anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car
payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of
McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead
of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would
severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty
good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces
"I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a
computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before
going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you
congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit
what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately
for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't
find one to save your sorry old butt. |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 01/19/2006 : 15:51:33
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| PTL #5 and #6 saved me from being a old fart! |
Edited by - Daisy Girl on 01/19/2006 15:56:36 |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 01/20/2006 : 07:56:38
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quote:
Originally posted by Daisy Girl
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
Cereal is an any-time-of-the-day-or-night food for me!!
pas de dutchie! |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2006 : 11:27:41
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Here's another...
>> ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET: 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
>> A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the
>> man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to
>> another seat. The smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
>> The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst
>> out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man
>> arrested.
>>
>> The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
>> years old) what he had to say for himself.
>> The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady
>> got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
>> under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming"
>> and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that
>> said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to
>> smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
>> said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain
>> myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
>> under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber
>> could have prevented this Accident," I just lost it."
>>
>> "CASE DISMISSED!" |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 01/21/2006 : 11:29:40
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ok this is a little sexist but it's still kinda funny.
> >Nominated as the best short joke this year . .
> >
> > A three-year-old boy was examining his
>testicles
> > while taking a bath.
> > "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
> > "Not yet," she replied
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zub_the_goat
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
639 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2006 : 09:45:18
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Got another one of those forward spam things
Hi, my name is Amy Bruce. I am 7 years old, and I have severe lung cancer
> >... I also have a large tumor in my brain, from repeated beatings. D octors
> >say I will die soon if! this isn't fixed, and my family can't pay the
> >bills.
> >
> >The Make A Wish Foundation, has agreed to donate 7 cents for every time
> >this message is sent on.
> >For those of you who send this along, I thank you so much, but for those
> >who don't send it, what goes around comes around. Have a Heart, please send
> >this.
what scares/confuses me is the "what goes around comes around" bit-so now im getting veiled threats from 7 year olds with lung cancer and a brain tumour?!?!?! I think i'll probably win in a fight Amy if you exist |
Edited by - zub_the_goat on 03/22/2006 09:48:24 |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2006 : 12:01:57
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Yeah, it's picking out total strangers and actually wishing cancer on them if they don't spam somebody else. It's blackmail!
pas de dutchie! |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2006 : 12:15:29
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Fuck. I would so blast whoever the hell sent that to me, friend or not.
1) There is NO WAY that the email has ANY WAY of being trackable.
2) Therefore there is NO WAY that the email can be counted to see how many times it's been forwarded.
3) There is NO REASON Make A Wish would donate 7 cents for forwarding an email.
4) Claiming to have cancer or making up a story of someone being ill in order to... to what? ... to say you wrote an email that spread around the world is sick and reprehensible. But what goes around comes around...
5) Threatening people who don't forward pisses me off as much as faking you're a seven year old kid who's got lung cancer AND a tumour in her brain AND ... possibly... a large breast growing out the side of her head as a result that her parents can't afford to enlarge. Sending threatening emails along to your friends is retarded.
6) Want to know how you are all of a sudden getting on all these spam mailing lists, etc? It's because of idiots that forward this garbage to their big list o contacts (ooh, impressive!) and someone on there harvests it and its history. So be sure to thank the forwarder not only for the retarded email, not only for the guilt trip, not only for publishing your email address and probably name as well, but also EVERY TIME you receive spam in the not too distant future. If you DO have mass emailing to do, you should ALWAYS use "BCC". Nobody cares how many people you have in your contact list anyway.
And that's the end of my rant.
 "If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." |
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pixiestu
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2564 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2006 : 14:43:16
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Yeah, what Dean said.
"The arc of triumph" |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2006 : 19:23:53
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I remember one that was circulating a few years back that said the American Cancer Society would donate a certain amount of money to cancer research every time the e-mail was forwarded. Even putting aside all of what Dean said about how stupid the concept is, isn't pretty much all of the money from the ACS already going toward that? Isn't that what they're for? At least Make-A-Wish makes a LITTLE more sense.
"If you doze much longer, then life turns to dreaming. If you doze much longer, then dreams turn to nightmares." |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2006 : 19:37:07
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True, true. Tack that on to point number three. We'll build a generic reply for all chain letters that anyone can use at any time and bam. Done.
"If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2006 : 04:54:43
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I'm ashamed to say that my sister is one of the idiots that forwards these things on.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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Edited by - Homers_pet_monkey on 03/23/2006 04:55:03 |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2006 : 06:28:34
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I just got one from my cousin in Greece the other day. I don't imagine she liked my reply very much, and yes, I was more civil than what is above. :)
"If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 03/24/2006 : 13:22:14
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I think I forwarded a few of those kinds of things back when I first started using e-mail, but I soon learned how ridiculous it was. And I NEVER forwarded anything involving cancer or the Good Times Virus. (Anyone else remember the Good Times Virus? I think that dates when I was first introduced to the wonders of the Internet.)
"If you doze much longer, then life turns to dreaming. If you doze much longer, then dreams turn to nightmares." |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
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a guy in a rover
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
535 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2006 : 10:33:11
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Haha
That was hilarious Homers
Harry Bish is a living legend.
Kiss my ring...I am the greatest
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2006 : 10:35:11
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He is indeed. It's a pretty good game too.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/26/2006 : 13:30:20
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quote:
Originally posted by Carl
From: Doctor Smith
To: Mr. Carl
Subject: Those tests
Date: 12 Nov
Dear Mr. Carl,
I got those tests back and I regret to inform you that you have only days to live. Sorry
Ha ha!! It's ridiculous!
 "I seem to have rejoined the cult of FB.Net!"
Your last name is Carl, too?? Imagine that!
Today's lesson in Italian --- Look at me!!! I'm Italian!!! --- Guardilo!!! Sono Italiano!!! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/29/2006 : 20:17:47
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quote:
Originally posted by zub_the_goat
Got another one of those forward spam things
Hi, my name is Amy Bruce. I am 7 years old, and I have severe lung cancer
> >... I also have a large tumor in my brain, from repeated beatings. D octors
> >say I will die soon if! this isn't fixed, and my family can't pay the
> >bills.
> >
> >The Make A Wish Foundation, has agreed to donate 7 cents for every time
> >this message is sent on.
> >For those of you who send this along, I thank you so much, but for those
> >who don't send it, what goes around comes around. Have a Heart, please send
> >this.
what scares/confuses me is the "what goes around comes around" bit-so now im getting veiled threats from 7 year olds with lung cancer and a brain tumour?!?!?! I think i'll probably win in a fight Amy if you exist
Poor kid has two first names...I get threats from 7 year olds all the time. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/31/2006 : 06:03:58
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Chuck Norris
1. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
2. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
3. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
4. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
6. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
7. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
8. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
9. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
10. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
11. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
12. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
13. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
14. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
15. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
16. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
17. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Mr T
1. According to Mr. T, Jibba Jabba is the official language of 99.9% of the world's population 2. Briefly, before hitting the big time, Mr. T was a hairdresser to the stars. There were no survivors
3. Mr. T once owned a beauty parlor called "I Pretty the Fool". No matter what anyone asked for, they always receieved mohawks and a heavy dose of pity
4. The pitying of individual fools is now illegal in most eatern-european countries, since only Mr.T is fully able to pity them all simultaneously, and nobody likes favouritism
5. Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you
6. Mr. T did not invent the Atom Bomb. He did, however, invent atoms
7. Mr. T has so many gold chains that the Earth's center of gravity changes depending on where he is on the planet. Out of fear for the safety of the world, the U.N. bought Mr. T a house on the moon, where he curently resides
8. Mr. T takes a 1 Liter does of Botox everyday to prevent his face from collapsing on to itself in anger
9. The only thing Mr. T hasn't pitied is pity itself
10. Contrary to popular belief the Aztecs were not wiped out by Spaniards, but in fact by Mr. T so that that he could use their gold to make his jewelry of power
11. Stephen Hawking was once a strapping young athlete and genius until Mr. T unleashed upon him his Theory of Pittitivity and labeled him a fool. The gravity of the situation crashed down upon poor Hawking and left him how he is today
12. For God so pitied the world he sent T to do it in person.
-Original John 3:16 passage before it was changed to reduce intimidation among Christians
13. Mr. T's tears cure all known disease. Too bad he has never cried
14. Mr. T makes twenty minute insta-brownies in under seven minutes
15. The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles
16. Mr. T's Mohawk is not held up by hair gel, his hair is just scared of him and is trying to get as far away as possible
17. When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold
18. Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang
19. Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's
20. Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time
21. Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods
22. Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity
23. Mr. T wasn't born, he shed a woman
24. Mr. T once stared at a woman for three seconds. She instantly became pregnant
25. Mr. T wears sunglasses to protect the sun from his eyes
26. Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him
27. Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it
28. Mr. T only eats the Ts in his alphabits cereal. All the other letters are pitied for being fools
29. If you play "Mother, there is No Other" backwards, you can hear Mr. T pitying you for being a fool
30. Mr. T has never lost at anything, so when he was forced to lose in Rocky III, he lost his mind and ate Stalone's children, and pitied the director until his head exploded. The explosion became the basis for the aliens weapons in Independence Day
31. The Oil Crisis of the 70's was a hoax. Mr. T horded gold all decade to create his stockpile of neckchains for the 80's, plunging the world into recession
32. Many years ago, Mr. T went to a McDonalds restaurant. He was asked if he wanted his meal Super-Sized, and he responded by consuming the entire restaurant. Since then, McDonalds has stopped the Super-Sizing option.
33. Mr. T is actually listed on the periodic table of elements. His element symbol is Ba, and his atomic weight is pain
34. The theme song to 'Law & Order' is the exact sound of Mr. T's heartbeat
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 07/31/2006 : 11:13:04
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
I watched Dodgeball last night. Good to see Chuck making a cameo.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
Chuck Norris was in Dodgeball? I don't remember that. Have you seen that movie, uh, what's it called? Sidekicks, I think. Chuck Norris has a cameo in that movie, too.
Did I win yet? |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2006 : 05:10:45
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No I haven't seen that one.
He is one of the dodgeball judges in the Dodgeball.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 08/01/2006 : 17:39:24
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Oh, yeah. Now I remember.
 You heard the sun today...There she blows, there she blows... |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 08:32:49
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Sidekicks is great in sort of how bad it is. It's actually an alright movie, anyway. Isn't it cheating to have Chuck Norris be a member on your team for a karate tournament?
"Meow" |
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 08:38:34
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quote:
Originally posted by Cheeseman1000
I'll pay commission to anyone who can find me a life-size Chuck Norris cut out.
I've never seen one, but this is a website where you can make one of anything you want. It's kind of a lot of money for a piece of cardboard, though.
"Meow" |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 10:53:57
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We should have started a Chuck Norris thread.
I'd walk her everyday, into a shady place
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mr.biscuitdoughhead
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1729 Posts |
Posted - 08/02/2006 : 11:00:47
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I will.
"Meow" |
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Topic |
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Funny email thread
