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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
 Posted - 08/20/2003 : 22:09:51
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Through the blessed storm
that tipped your hat,
who knew where or when,
or this or that?
No one immitated any trees
or flowers
and all yer fresh ripe fruit
began to sour
the sun was lost again
this afternoon
compared to yesterday
it came so soon
must be the cold
that's cracking all his knuckles,
through this lurch the roots
begin to buckle
And writer's who were free
to write a message
to leave a final clue
to them who passes
sadly watch the ink they swilled
reverse
return from ink
to salt
to sand
then earth.
copyright
"Winter blows through my coat"
the what four http://www.mp3.com/phelan |
Edited by - the swimmer on 08/25/2003 13:45:46 |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2003 : 22:19:23
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that's pretty good swimmer. kind of like an ode to writers block.. (?)
bravo on having the balls to post that.
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/20/2003 : 22:28:30
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quote:
Originally posted by floop
that's pretty good swimmer. kind of like an ode to writers block.. (?)
bravo on having the balls to post that.
I like that interpetation. I guess it's open to anything.
Does one need balls to post poetry? I do have them, but it's beside the point.
Thanks. |
Edited by - the swimmer on 08/21/2003 07:26:32 |
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2003 : 01:58:14
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"The poet presents his thoughts festively, on the carriage of rhythm: usually because they could not walk." --Friedrich Nietzsche
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ain't it funny how the goes |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2003 : 08:51:55
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quote:
Originally posted by Little Black Francis
"The poet presents his thoughts festively, on the carriage of rhythm: usually because they could not walk." --Friedrich Nietzsche
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ain't it funny how the goes
Um, well fuck you too, man.
Just kidding. |
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MIRV
- FB Fan -
178 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2003 : 10:47:55
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This Is It
- FB Fan -
141 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2003 : 11:10:41
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that's pretty good poetry. have you ever read lord byron? he's a good read to learn the rhythm of the flow of poetry. don't let the cynicism seep into you. you don't conform, you wear a different uniform. |
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MIRV
- FB Fan -
178 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2003 : 23:29:02
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here's what i think of your poetry:
you need to be taken behind a dumpster, shot in the back of the head, wrapped in car tarp, and buried in a shallow, unmarked grave a few kilometres outside of town.
if i were you, i'd wrap my lips around a revolver *and* blow my grey matter out my occipital region.
mirv laughs his ass off while editing |
Edited by - MIRV on 08/23/2003 23:31:53 |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2003 : 06:57:11
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quote:
Originally posted by MIRV
here's what i think of your poetry:
you need to be taken behind a dumpster, shot in the back of the head, wrapped in car tarp, and buried in a shallow, unmarked grave a few kilometres outside of town.
if i were you, i'd wrap my lips around a revolver *and* blow my grey matter out my occipital region.
mirv laughs his ass off while editing
Thanks for your opinion. |
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vamos
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
37 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2003 : 07:45:50
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what's a blessed storm? why is the storm blessed? what's the significance of the hat falling off? what has fruit got to do with the blessed storm? what's the significance of the cold? is reference to the cold not a cliche? what does the word "reverse" refer to and why does it have a line to itself? what is the salt and the sand? why is earth the final destination?
Who is "you" in the first stanza, who is "he" in the second stanza and who are the "writers" in the third stanza and what significance do they have to "you" and "he?"
sponsor my silence |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2003 : 11:05:21
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quote:
Originally posted by vamos
what's a blessed storm? why is the storm blessed? what's the significance of the hat falling off? what has fruit got to do with the blessed storm? what's the significance of the cold? is reference to the cold not a cliche? what does the word "reverse" refer to and why does it have a line to itself? what is the salt and the sand? why is earth the final destination?
Who is "you" in the first stanza, who is "he" in the second stanza and who are the "writers" in the third stanza and what significance do they have to "you" and "he?"
sponsor my silence
You tell me.
I sponsor your silence. |
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vamos
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
37 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2003 : 11:32:40
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it's indecipherable.
sponsor my silence |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2003 : 13:26:44
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quote:
Originally posted by vamos
it's indecipherable.
sponsor my silence
I am sorry. I should have laid it all out for you and explained everything.
Next time, maybe you need to get someone to hold your hand when you cross the street too. |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2003 : 14:02:03
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I don't really care for it, though the last stanza is the stand out best of them and almost seems as though it was written at a different time/after you came down from whatever you were on when you wrote it. I have this image of a piece of paper with someone's heart poured out upon it lying in a meadow beneath an old tree untouched by man and slowly fading as the writer, long since passed on, watches from above and his tears turn to rain. It almost redeems the rest.
Anyway, not that I'm an expert on such things, but seems that you wanted honest reviews that didn't detail how you should punish yourself for such self-promotional postery. :) At least that was the feeling I got from your initial subject. But if someone wants to know what you're trying to say, especially in those awkward beginnings, I say either give your interpretation or don't (I'd probably do the latter), but it's not like Vamos can be blamed for wanting to know what YOU intended the song to mean. I've certainly wanted to ask Frank about one or two of his... |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2003 : 14:14:16
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quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Of_Frank
I don't really care for it, though the last stanza is the stand out best of them and almost seems as though it was written at a different time/after you came down from whatever you were on when you wrote it. I have this image of a piece of paper with someone's heart poured out upon it lying in a meadow beneath an old tree untouched by man and slowly fading as the writer, long since passed on, watches from above and his tears turn to rain. It almost redeems the rest.
Anyway, not that I'm an expert on such things, but seems that you wanted honest reviews that didn't detail how you should punish yourself for such self-promotional postery. :) At least that was the feeling I got from your initial subject. But if someone wants to know what you're trying to say, especially in those awkward beginnings, I say either give your interpretation or don't (I'd probably do the latter), but it's not like Vamos can be blamed for wanting to know what YOU intended the song to mean. I've certainly wanted to ask Frank about one or two of his...
It's one thing to give a constructive criticism or opinion. It's another to be an ASS.
I understand what you're saying because it makes sense.
Others have posted songs or whatever in this section and recieved criticism and I was just doing the same.
I don't think that things like poetry or songs should be explained because whatever you get out of it is what you get. What I was saying is, it is not necessary to explain what it means. Does it conjure up anything in your head? Does it make you feel something? If so ...mission accomplished. if not, tell me in your best intelligent manner why it doesn't. Or don't tell me at all. Skip the post.
But don't reply with a hateful message that says that I should kill myself.
You are a complete pussy who hides behind the anonymity of the internet if you do that.
Welcome to MIRV's world. |
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vamos
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
37 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2003 : 14:51:07
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Poems aren't just a bunch of pretty words stuck together, a poem needs structure and should convey an idea. The greatest poems don't reveal themselves fully after the first read.
sponsor my silence |
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BLT
> Teenager of the Year <
South Sandwich Islands
4204 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2003 : 16:28:25
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| I guess I'm a bit of a neanderthal. I never appreciated poetry very much, but Robert Frost blows my mind. Not only does he present haunting scenes, but the structure is also amazing. It's a bit like some of FB's songs. There are complexities which aren't apparent to the casual reader (or listener). |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2003 : 06:38:06
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quote:
Originally posted by BLT
I guess I'm a bit of a neanderthal. I never appreciated poetry very much, but Robert Frost blows my mind. Not only does he present haunting scenes, but the structure is also amazing. It's a bit like some of FB's songs. There are complexities which aren't apparent to the casual reader (or listener).
Exactly.
Try reading some ee cummings. I like Robert Frost and Emily Dickinson as well. All the ones you learn about in school. I really liked them none the less.
There is a reason I guess thta you learn about them in school as oppsed to Pablo Neruda or someone else. |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2003 : 06:39:15
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quote:
Originally posted by vamos
The greatest poems don't reveal themselves fully after the first read.
You talk it, now walk it. |
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vamos
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
37 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2003 : 07:39:59
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haha, no need for you to be antagonistic.
sponsor my silence |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2003 : 09:22:38
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quote:
Originally posted by vamos
haha, no need for you to be antagonistic.
sponsor my silence
Yer right. Sorry.
That's my Religion, Iam an Antaganostic. |
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Carolynanna
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Canada
6556 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2003 : 10:12:09
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| Jason, you should just write your own MIRV poem. |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2003 : 08:54:11
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quote:
Originally posted by Carolynanna
Jason, you should just write your own MIRV poem.
MIRV is a PIRV
who gets on my NERVE
and grinds it around
with his boot
He's terminally dumb
with his thumb up his bum
and he's not even close
to being cute. |
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Scarla O
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
947 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2003 : 09:01:02
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he he...I like that one too! (but i'm not gonna try and write a song around it)...
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paintmeister
= Cult of Ray =
USA
347 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2003 : 22:02:22
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Your words about MIRV were exciting
You've got a good skill of writing
But MIRV will reply with something awry
and all we will get is some fighting. |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2003 : 23:00:58
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Sorry Swimmer, but the paintmeister has you beat. Except that I would've changed the third line to:
But MIRV's retorts will be biting. That's a 4-A rhyming scheme. Mmmoi. |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2003 : 23:02:09
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meister, you are correct
though one thing keeps me vexed.
have mirv's insults decreased
in an effort to make peace?
or is he cooking up a hex?
or perhaps he's in Greece?
eating his own fece-
es?
which he's been known to do
being a "man of the poo"
or he could just be visiting his niece
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Edited by - floop on 08/27/2003 23:03:51 |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2003 : 23:05:55
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| See, I'm conflicted Floop. On the one hand, breaking up feces into 'fece' (rhymes with Greece) and 'es' (on a line by itself) is a master stroke. On the other hand, rhyming Greece with feces is awful and if you were here I'd grab my leather duelling glove (with sequens) and slap you across the face with it. |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2003 : 23:08:31
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i bear my soul and you spit on it.
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2003 : 23:11:48
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| To be fair, I only slapped it down. Love-slap, baby love-slap... etc... |
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paintmeister
= Cult of Ray =
USA
347 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2003 : 19:37:29
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quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Of_Frank
Sorry Swimmer, but the paintmeister has you beat. Except that I would've changed the third line to:
But MIRV's retorts will be biting. That's a 4-A rhyming scheme. Mmmoi.
That would have worked. Mine came off sounding like a limerick.
"There once was a man from Nantucket........" and I'm sure someone here can fill in the rest.
"Guess I'm just a little stupid" |
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 08/29/2003 : 20:56:29
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Floop has the best rhymes,
You others are just decent,
Time to go to bed.
-Derek |
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