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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
 Posted - 07/11/2004 : 14:42:20
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I just wanted to say I am sorry.
This is all gonna seem a little dramatic, but it's me being honest. I am laying everything to bear now.
I am 27, I have lots of very good friends, a great family that love me and I am healthy. I am however, extremely lonely. I split with the only girl I ever loved about two and a half years ago. It hit me as hard as anything in my life ever. I never realised how much I loved her until she was gone, but now she is gone, my life feels empty and pointless.
When I discovered this forum, I was curious, I wanted to see what being part of an online community would be like. Could it help fill a void (you think crazy things when you are heart-broken I guess), could it make my life seem more worthwhile? I have grown to love it, as you may have noticed by how much I post here. Unfortunately, because I am so lonely (my life is full of people who I may well love, but with whom I do not connect, who I do not feel are listening to me), this often means a lot of my posts are rubbish, random thoughts. I am sorry for this, I didn't think it would affect people. I now know it did.
I am incredibly depressed about all of this, but I do get affected emotionally by things very easily. You will not remember, but when I saw Jim's topic about his depression and thoughts of suicide, I posted that it freaked me out because I had had thoughts that very day, like day dreams of someone starting such a topic, but with me as the person who posted them. There was a simple reason for this, because I was actually thinking of it. Not seriously thinking about suicide (I wouldn't have the guts, nor the selfishness to leave the ones I love devestated), but about how people on the forum, the people who I really like and thought I had connected with, might react. Would they be sad? If so, how long for? Would it affect their lives in anyway? This is purely a selfish thought but a human one none the less, and one I have had lots of times about my friends too.
Well, I am done I guess, I have at least pulled myself together enough now to stop crying onto my keyboard (good job, it's not water-proof), but yeah it still upsets me that I have gotten like this. I wish I could be more happy all of the time.
I wish it was the 60's
I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen.
I do not want this to reflect badly upon ANYONE on this forum, including myself. I just wanted to pour out some emotion that I have bottled up, and I have done that now. That's all this is, along with a completely genuine apology for annoying anyone on here. If nothing else, I thank this forum for allowing me to do that.
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
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Monsieur
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1688 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2004 : 14:57:32
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Come on, Mike, you are not serious about that suicide crap. What you want is more life, not less life. I find your posts very funny, and they reveal a very nice person that you most certainly are.
I think you should also be less vulnerable to personal attacks. Defend yourself. Fight. |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2004 : 15:19:56
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I can identify with the vulnerability thing. I've been criticized for my posts on other forums, and perhaps I take it too personally. So I can see where you're coming from there.
I hope things get better for you, Mike.
Cattle in Korea / They can really moo. |
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glacial906
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1738 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2004 : 16:55:25
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I've found that its better to just post sporadically on this forum. It starts getting unhealthily addictive. I remember when my internet connection was gone for about a month and a half or so, I waited a few weeks before I got back on this site. I was afraid I'd get sucked into it again. But, when I finally did come here (it was, after all, inevitable) I remember being somewhat surprised and happy that at least one person remembered me and wondered about where I had been. (Thanks to Cheeseman, you rock bro:) I have never felt as though I connected with hardly anyone on this forum at all. But, when I was away from it, I at least got the appropriate amount of real-life/internet forum separation that I needed. I can't believe the rows I had with Ebb Vicious and a couple of other people. I can't believe that the fact that someone on the internet insulted me could affect my everyday life; put me in a bad mood. But, it did, Mike, so I too can certainly identify with you. My wife doesn't understand why I come here at all.
Take me, break me, tell me a good one and maybe I'll cry
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pfeffa
= Cult of Ray =
Aruba
367 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2004 : 16:55:53
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Mike,
You seem like a very nice, sensitive person with interesting thoughts. I'm new to this board and feel a little awkward joining into some threads with the old timers here. I would be glad to get to know you better.
Lis |
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frank_black_francis
= Cult of Ray =
Canada
895 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2004 : 17:36:55
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| I like Homer's Pet Monkey. |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 07/11/2004 : 17:55:09
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HPM, you're a'ight in my book.
die quesadillas von LBF lecken skrotum! hahahahahahahhahahaa! |
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Carl
- A 'Fifth' Catholic -
Ireland
11546 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2004 : 05:36:26
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| Despite all the shit, life is worth living. You may get bitterly depressed one day, but the next something usually crops up and there's a ray of hope....maybe that sounds corny and simplistic, but sometimes it's that simple:it's the little everyday things that can be either so frustrating or uplifting. There's hope for even the most depressed people-it's just a matter of trying, even when things are looking pretty bleak-although I'm not suggesting it's easy. Of course, some people have more serious problems and worse situations than others. But the thing is, even if you have a relatively comfortable, safe life, depression can still kick your ass. But it can be beaten |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2004 : 06:04:46
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Cheers, glacial, its true - I do rock.
You guys should meet Mike in the flesh, he's much less annoying in real life... 
Kind regards,
Dr. Simon
Specialist In Broken Hearts |
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The Calistanian
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1342 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2004 : 08:09:59
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I sense you're a great guy, and a good sport HPM. I get a kick out of your posts.
1. I am a fsh with no i's.
2. You must be wearing Zubaz, 'cause you're daring to be different.
3. I am a man with 3 fingers...but that doesn't count my index finger nor my thumb. |
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frank_black_francis
= Cult of Ray =
Canada
895 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2004 : 08:29:12
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I could never figure out why anyone who has ever considered ending it never considered taking off and going to live somewhere else....nothing to lose right? Rather then end it, one should think about the prospect of adventure. Try small-town middle-america, NYC, Bangladesh, or even a new neighborhood, a new job, start a band, force yourself to make new friends, invite someone over for dinner that you hardly know.....there is a lot of fun and zany things a person could do on this planet. Start Exploring!
HPM, you could come over to my place for dinner anytime. |
Edited by - frank_black_francis on 07/12/2004 08:30:45 |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2004 : 08:56:46
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Yeah, but then if you decide you want to keep on living, you'll have wasted all of that money on travel.
Cattle in Korea / They can really moo. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 10:05:43
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Thanks for the kind words guys. I must reiterate though, I could never kill myself. I very much doubt it anyway. But yeah thanks anyway. You are a great bunch of bananas people.
__________________________________________________
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
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Erebus
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1834 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 10:20:02
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quote:
Originally posted by frank_black_francis
I could never figure out why anyone who has ever considered ending it never considered taking off and going to live somewhere else....nothing to lose right? Rather then end it, one should think about the prospect of adventure. Try small-town middle-america, NYC, Bangladesh, or even a new neighborhood, a new job, start a band, force yourself to make new friends, invite someone over for dinner that you hardly know.....there is a lot of fun and zany things a person could do on this planet. Start Exploring!
HPM, you could come over to my place for dinner anytime.
I've heard that the best argument against suicide is that you can always do it later. |
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El Barto
= Song DB Master =
USA
4020 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 11:38:16
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One good argument I heard against the selfishness of suicide is...Is it selfish for someone who is suffering so much, and has been constantly for so long, to kill themself, or is it selfish for those around that person to want them to stay around? Think about it...that's deep.
Welcome back, HPM.
I guess I just wasn't made for these times. |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 11:45:23
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It's tricky. I don't think suicide is selfish, I just don't think that one in the throes of suicidal feelings can truely appreciate how others will feel if you go because of the conviction that no one cares. I think If a person really believes one person gave a shit they'd never even think about going through it. Same as someone who's never experienced that kind of low I don't think will ever understand it. I don't think it's selfish to want someone in your life to stay in your life. Selfish is not doing your damndest to help them out of that rut.
And Mike wouldn't dare, he knows I'd kick the shit out of him
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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Edited by - n/a on 07/13/2004 11:53:37 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 12:02:40
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Thanks Jim.
Well it's a tough one, and is indeed a deep subject. I can't claim to know enough about the subject to really comment. But let's just say I am not one these people who have utter contempt for people who do it. I don't think these people have any right to judge someone who is that depressed.
At the same time, there is some degree of selfishness on both sides I guess. Never thought of it like that before.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
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Carolynanna
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Canada
6556 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 12:22:49
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It depends on whether all avenues have been explored already.
I mean if there were absolutely no alternatives,
but I don't believe that occurs often.
Can you say a mother would be selfish?
What about a spouse or children?
Or maybe if you and they believe
there really is something better after.
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 13:41:47
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The definition of selfish is one who is interested in their own lives above and to the exclusion of others. Seems to me that suicide is a great example of this.
The people being hurt are also not selfish by this same definition. They are only hurt because they care about someone other than themselves, because they are not selfish.
Suicide in my mind is the easy way out and I believe that the easy roads generally lead nowhere. Yes, life is tough. Sometimes unbearable. But whether you stay in that rut which put got you so depressed that you considered suicide in the first place or not is only dependent on how much work you're willing to do to pull yourself out of it. Sometimes it requires drastic changes. Sometimes it means leaving everything so you can start fresh. Sometimes it means changing your whole perspective. These are easy words but I assure you not easy tasks, certainly not accomplished overnight. In contrast, leaving your car on in the garage is a cakewalk. But there's a lot of good stuff to be missed. Who knows what life holds, or for that matter, what death holds. You have a long time to be dead, so you might as well make the best of what you've got while you're alive.
Me, I'm hoping for either heaven or a Manny Calavera style Land of the Dead. Viva la revolution!
 "When 5000 posts you reach / Look as good you will not, hmmm?" |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:04:04
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hmm, I'm not overly sure I hold with the easy way out argument, have you ever tried? Without giving too much personal shit away here, trust me, it's not easy. It really isn't. But I chickened, and it took a few more years a few really hard years before I could see why I got there, what I could do to sop getting there again and what there is exactly. I've known people take their own life, I've known many people try, I've had some close calls with my friends, it's hard. I dunno, it's not an option for me anymore, it never will be again, I hope for those I'm close to now it's not an option. Destruction, especially self destruction is easy, and an easy cycle to fall into and both exits are just as hard to come to terms with I think... but thats just me
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:09:19
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| Homer's Pet Monkey... I like you posts and I am sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. The late 20's are often the hardest on alot of people. Usually things calm down around 30. What helps me when I am going through a stressful time is to see a therapist. It's great to talk to someone who can give you objective and constructive advise. It might seem weird at first, but it is defanately a great way to make one feel more healthy mentally. Also if it makes you feel less weird going, I remember reading that Frank keeps in regular touch with his therapist. And just remember... when you feel like you can't talk to anyone else, you can always talk to your FB.net friends. |
Edited by - Daisy Girl on 07/13/2004 14:12:22 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:16:09
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Aww, thanks Daisy. I know what I need though. And so did Lennon and McCartney.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
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El Barto
= Song DB Master =
USA
4020 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:21:31
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Suicide and depression in general are hard to talk about or comment on unless you've truely experienced it yourself...unless you've gotten to that point where suicide sounds like a good, logical option...unless you've willingly taken a razor or knife or other sharp object and cut yourself, or willingly inflicted any other pain upon yourself. To those not suffering from it, it doesn't make sense. It's a "cheer up, everything will be OK." Depression is a veil, it's a wall...you don't see or think clearly. When you're not depressed (I'm not like I was about 2 weeks ago), you can't even imagine what it was like, but you KNOW something was wrong.
I guess I just wasn't made for these times. |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:26:09
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
Aww, thanks Daisy. I know what I need though. And so did Lennon and McCartney.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
HUUUUUUGGGGGGZZZZZZZZZZZZ  Hope that made you feel better! |
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Ebb Vicious
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1162 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:33:09
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you're taking the internet way too seriously. especially a stupid message board.
it's just bytes floating between computers. it's very transient.
who cares?
get over it.
grow up. |
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The Calistanian
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1342 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:34:42
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Yeah, a depressed person is not in a right frame of mind to even make logical decisions about if he/she is being selfish. I'm sure in some cases, it is a matter of selfishness, but I bet in most cases, the person is not rationally thinking anyway, so selfish gain is not their intent...they just want relief from their pain.
1. I am a fsh with no i's.
2. You must be wearing Zubaz, 'cause you're daring to be different.
3. I am a man with 3 fingers...but that doesn't count my index finger nor my thumb. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:37:01
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quote:
Originally posted by Ebb Vicious
you're taking the internet way too seriously. especially a stupid message board.
it's just bytes floating between computers. it's very transient.
who cares?
get over it.
grow up.
You are completely mis-reading all of this, now go away and come back when you know what you are talking about.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
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Ebb Vicious
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1162 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:53:28
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
You are completely mis-reading all of this, now go away and come back when you know what you are talking about.
no i think instead i will repeat to you that you're taking a stupid message board way too seriously and need to get over it and get over yourself.
you're being ridiculously mellodramatic just to get yourself some attention. you're too old for such childish crap. |
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Erebus
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1834 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:56:50
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| Assumptions that any of us possess free will are highly dubious, and from the standpoint of the depressed mind/brain, suicide can not only seem but may in fact be quite logical. |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 14:57:48
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quote:
Originally posted by Ebb Vicious
quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
You are completely mis-reading all of this, now go away and come back when you know what you are talking about.
no i think instead i will repeat to you that you're taking a stupid message board way too seriously and need to get over it and get over yourself.
you're being ridiculously mellodramatic just to get yourself some attention. you're too old for such childish crap.
Ebb, I think you're being a little too harsh. Have you ever been depressed to know what Homer is talking about? |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 15:01:02
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Wow. Isn't a joy to see Ebb Vicious back? I can't believe no-one added him to the MIA list.
Kind regards,
Dr. Simon
Specialist In Broken Hearts |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 15:01:08
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Ebb. Bless. Another petty antagonist, who doesn't understand the value of friendship wherever anyone finds it. Sweet in a deply pathetic kind of way
Frank Black ate my Hamster
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KimStanleyRobinson
* Dog in the Sand *
1972 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 15:02:45
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ebb, the guy can post what he wants and take it as seriously as he wants. If you don't want to deal with it, stop reading the thread.
It doesn't matter if its healthy for him or not - that is his decision to make - not yours.
A stupid message board consists of people - there are people on the other end of the line...and, for the most part here - they're honest about who they are.
Now, leave the guy alone and let him get whatever help he wants wherever he can find it...and stop being such an ass. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 15:03:03
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quote:
Originally posted by Ebb Vicious
quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
You are completely mis-reading all of this, now go away and come back when you know what you are talking about.
no i think instead i will repeat to you that you're taking a stupid message board way too seriously and need to get over it and get over yourself.
you're being ridiculously mellodramatic just to get yourself some attention. you're too old for such childish crap.
This baiting, doing what you are doing, is childish. Which is why I will ignore it.
[yawn]
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
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Ebb Vicious
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1162 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 15:11:54
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just fyi reply != ignore.
i'm not baiting i'm telling you to grow the fuck up. don't care what you say until you say "you're right." |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2004 : 15:13:29
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Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
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I'm Sorry
