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Malax
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1340 Posts |
 Posted - 05/22/2004 : 06:59:55
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As seems to be the trend these days, I thought I would start a topic about sex. Has anyone got any fun stories about being caught blah blah you know like the ones they used to have on stileproject (except hopefully don't involve incest or beastiality).
I know you do.
Anyone who replies with 'hilarious' responses about aliens and things. I will come to your house and I will cut you.
I May've Joined The Cult Of Frank If I Knew What The Balls Was Going On.
*Adapted By Carolynanna* |
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realmeanmotorscutor
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1764 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 07:36:57
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I've been walked in on too many times. Nothing especially funny. You'd think my family would learn to knock but nope. The first time my mother was all pissed but played dumb. I slammed the door in her face and she was like, "well, what were you doing in there that I can't come in!?" I'm convinced she has blocked that memory out now which, if you knew my mom (especially at the time), is amazing. I was expecting the wrath of hell to be unleashed.
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 08:25:26
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I have no fun stories regarding sex. It's serious business goddam it!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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ramona
"FB Quote Mistress"
USA
3988 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 08:27:00
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I thought this was going to be literally about standing up and having sex. I am confused! But that brings me to my question, does the boy have to be taller than the girl if they are going to do it standing up? Or, should he be shorter? He should OBVIOUSLY be stronger...
I tried it once in a shower and it resulted in some bodily harm. All was okay in the end though.
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there's fire if you want it, let me know. I'm sick and tired of letting go... |
Edited by - ramona on 05/22/2004 08:27:34 |
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realmeanmotorscutor
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1764 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 08:50:14
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I thought the same thing ramona. Um, I would say the height thing depends on which way each person is facing. Overall, a bit shorter would help methinks.
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Malax
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1340 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 09:05:44
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Comedy, you know stand up. But I get you. I have a couple of amusing stories but my tea is ready so it will have to wait.
I May've Joined The Cult Of Frank If I Knew What The Balls Was Going On.
*Adapted By Carolynanna* |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 10:04:42
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I had an alien walk in on me once!
<Gets cut by Malax.>
Cattle in Korea / They can really moo. |
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realmeanmotorscutor
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1764 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 10:18:56
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yeah well an alien walked in on me once with a horse who was married to my sister. big big mess that turned out to be.
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darkoutsider
= Cult of Ray =
USA
285 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 11:14:39
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One time I had family staying to the house. And my uncle, real fucking drunk. Came in and raped me. Real hard too. I cried and I screamed, or I tried to but he had my mouth coverd. My room was next to my parents room and they heard nothing. Now he's in rehab. I was 8 at the time. Oh that's funny.
I'm a sick, sick, SICK person I know. No need to tell me twice. My humor is dark, and at times disturbing. Hence my name. I just don't want people coming in and telling me off for being pretty fucked up in the head. It was a joke and nothing more. I just wanted more attention. My work here is done. Now back to the gay thread for me. Bye cool hip-cats.
But that's only my opinion, I could be wrong. |
Edited by - darkoutsider on 05/22/2004 11:29:57 |
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realmeanmotorscutor
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1764 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 11:25:05
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HOLY
MOTHER
OF
GOD
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realmeanmotorscutor
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1764 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 11:25:45
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well, that sort of loses its effect with a winking popeye punctuating it.
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darkoutsider
= Cult of Ray =
USA
285 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 11:28:12
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It's just the cherry on a mountain of cake and iceing.
But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. |
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apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 11:35:27
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quote:
Originally posted by darkoutsider
It's just the cherry on a mountain of cake and iceing.
But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
I-c-i-n-g. Loses its effect when you spell it incorrectly. 
If the only tool you have is an elbow macaroni,
all your problems look like Schroedinger's cat. |
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darkoutsider
= Cult of Ray =
USA
285 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 11:40:13
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 is what I say to you. Deal with it!
I'm a dork... lol
But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. |
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ramona
"FB Quote Mistress"
USA
3988 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 12:41:46
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quote:
Originally posted by realmeanmotorscutor
HOLY
MOTHER
OF
GOD
That cracked me up. Cause what more is there to say really? Some peoples humor just mystifies me...
**********************************************************
there's fire if you want it, let me know. I'm sick and tired of letting go... |
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El Barto
= Song DB Master =
USA
4020 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 12:48:37
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I thought this was about having sex standing up...I was suprised that I am capable of doing such. I didn't realized I was that strong. I remember the first time doing it, too. It's pretty thrilling. I'm horny now...thanks.
Funniest time? I dunno...I farted once. That was embarassing. "Now you can tell how relaxed I am."
Boycott cults and t's |
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Malax
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1340 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 14:59:12
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I dunno if this is funny, it wasn't at the time here goes:
About 3 years ago my friend got backstage passes for ozzfest. So I was gonna stay in have an early night then head to ozzfest early. However both me and my friend were coaxed into going out. Skip forward to about 1am, a girl comes over says her mate fancies me, she wasn't great but I was drunk, we all lower our standards. It was pretty obvious straight off that she was wrecked. Skip to 2am. Im outside ready to go home shes rambling about me going to hers and her mates are trying to stop her. Anyway another one of my friends who lives around 10miles away says his house is empty and hes having a party. Stupid me decides to go. Im trying to get rid of this girl but she climbs in the taxi with us. Then for the next 10minutes she was trying to pull down my pants and take off my clothes in front of my friends (in the back of a taxi). We arrive at my friends and her friends also arrive and try to take her to a nearby friends house. But shes having non of it. Around 3am we are in my mates parents bedroom kissing and such (I must point out that this was my first time and I was desperate to get it out of the way) I take off my shirt and get to work. A knock on the door and one of my friends says, "her mums here" Now this is just stupid, she lives around 15miles away and its half 3 in the mornin, so I tell him to stop messin. Next thing I know door busts open, I for some reason decide to roll onto the floor and then go under the bed, however I changed my mind at the last second thinking I'll look an idiot if she sees me. So instead I just lay on the floor with no top on. She storms in shouting and balling gives me a rolicking for 'taking advantage' I give her some shit about trying to help her. So about an hour passes while her mum tries to get her to go home loads of crying and she still wont go. Its now about half 4. Finally my mate whos house it is shouts at the girl to go home so she goes crazy and rips all his fingers to shreads blood all over his hands. She still doesn't leave. I don't bother talking to her and just mess with my mates for a bit. Then around half 4 or 5 I decide to try get some sleep. But my friend says shes pissing everyone off take her into my sisters room. I don't need to go into detail about this bit I'll leave it to your imagination. Although she did climb into a wardrobe thinking it was the door, that was funny. Anyway its now about 7am we go downstairs to join my friends. And she sits on my knee (she wasn't a small girl) and starts playing with my neck and chewing my ear. Now im really pissed off and tired so I just say "get off me I've had what I want" *shock* I was being big in front of my friends and I shouldn't have said that. So she smacks me real hard in the face, so I just push her on the floor. Then finally my drunken friend drives a bunch of us home and I never spoke to her again. Despite the fact she went to my college. Turned out she was on anti-depressents. Oh and I got up late and missed ozzfest.
Fucking hell that took some writing. Hope you enjoyed it.
I May've Joined The Cult Of Frank If I Knew What The Balls Was Going On.
*Adapted By Carolynanna* |
Edited by - Malax on 05/22/2004 14:59:55 |
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 05/22/2004 : 22:11:28
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One time my girlfriend and I were cuddling watching TV and fell asleep. My mom came home later and asked us what we did while she was gone and being dumb I said, "We slept together. Oh wait, like literally! Seriously..we were cuddling and fell asleep! Not the other sleeping together! Really!"
My mom now thinks that I had sex on her couch. Kindof related to the thread. Not really. But kinda. |
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Skatealex1
* Dog in the Sand *
1670 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2004 : 02:36:31
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Once I was fucking an alien and......... damn it I lost that memory
The Truth Is Out There |
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Malax
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1340 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2004 : 14:46:22
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HA AHAHA HAAHHAA
*SLASH*
"Oh god, blood!"
I May've Joined The Cult Of Frank If I Knew What The Balls Was Going On.
*Adapted By Carolynanna* |
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2004 : 14:55:34
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I too thought this was about standing up and having sex at the same time, (which I have done successfully in the shower without bodily harm), but I too was wrong.
I don't know the answer to the height difference question, I'd have to say anything is possibile, might be difficult, but possible.
The only funny incident I can remember at the moment is having sex while the girl was talking on the phone and she was trying to carry on a conversation like she wasn't having sex, you know, during sex, I thought it was funny.
You farted during sex, that is funny. I don't know why I find that to be so hilarious.
And the sister's horse-in-law alien one is funny too.
Let's get it on |
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Malax
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1340 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2004 : 15:08:19
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Yeah but thats not real. You know that dont you?
I May've Joined The Cult Of Frank If I Knew What The Balls Was Going On.
*Adapted By Carolynanna* |
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klikger
= Cult of Ray =
693 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2004 : 22:00:13
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I had to jump in an ex-girlfriends closet more than once buck naked because we were skipping school and having sex when her parents came home and knocked on her bedroom door. Another time I was having sex with her at 3 in the morning and I wasn't allowed to be in her room alone with her, so I had to jump out the second story window when her dad started pounding on the door.
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Edited by - klikger on 05/23/2004 22:00:51 |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2004 : 22:31:37
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someone told me once that having sex standing up (which is what i thought this thread was about too) helps you last longer, as a guy. ie. it takes longer if you're standing up. i don't know if i believe that. but maybe. .
i think as far as the height requirements go, it's definitely better if the girl is at least the same height or taller. depending on what you're refering to, specifically, about having sex "standing up"..
having sex in the shower or jacuzzi is totally overrated in my opinion, due to certain viscosity issues (or lack thereof i should say)
as for funny stories.. i don't really have any. not as funny as darkoutsider. i got walked in on by a roommate once, but it wasn't really funny. i have had an El Barto experience before. sometimes my cat wants to lay on me and purr in inappropriate circumstances. which can be funny. |
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Slick
- FB Fan -
23 Posts |
Posted - 05/23/2004 : 23:18:44
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I went out with this zillionaire chick for a while. She was crazy as a loon and went to the shrink every other day when things were good and every day when bad. I finally couldn't take it anymore. She was devistated and insisted we go to the shrink together to break up. I did it.
On the way back to the car from breaking up we decide to go to lunch. At lunch we decide to go into the ladies room together. I had her up picked up aginst the wall grinding away. She always was a little noisy. All the sudden there's this pounding on the door and this gay manager is yelling in his best lisp "you need to quit that and come out of there right now. I'm SERIOUS. We do not allow men in the ladies room"). He kept pounding on the door and lisping, I kept grinding, she kept yelling, etc. She finally yelled "Shut up up you little faggot and we'll be finished in a minute." The little dweebe had called the cops but we were back at our table eating by the time they came.
Anyway, I laughed so hard when she yelled at the guy I threw out my back and couldn't get out of bed in the morning |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
Posted - 05/24/2004 : 01:05:58
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Hey Realmean, do you remember a while back when that farmer in Beverly caught some freakshow having sex with his sheep? I think it was about five years ago. I guess he had been finding used condems in the sheep pen so he hid out one night and caught the guy.
So do ya'?
How about that nut from Maine that was making it with his dogs? His father ended up hitting him with a crowbar because he was so disgusted by him. Then the son sued his father and won (I think). Howie Carr had him on the radio a few nights.
------------------------------------
Confucious say - The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.
He also say my lucky numbers are: 16 27 36 23 11
http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 05/24/2004 : 10:50:05
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El Barto - that disgusting, youre so not sleeping in my bed when you come here!!
Standing up sex doesnt really appeal to me. I HATE being picked up. I think it has to dowith the way my uncle used to do it when iwas younger (er, picking me up..not having sex...) that really hurt, and I just cant stand it now.
Esp in the shower - that just sounds dangerous!!!!sex if youre just sorta bent over...but not standing up!!
I dont thin ive got any funny stories. I remember when I was about 13/14 my mum found 2 porn videos, a porn mag, some compromising photos and a condom wrapper in my bedside drawer....worst of all, the porn videos were iun marked, and she put it in the played to see what it was, and so actually saw som of it as well, and only becaus eof that did she look in the rest of my drawer, or she wouldnt have found the rest of it.
Oh, and with an ex, I ws in his flat, and we were, er, role playing, and i was in a very inappropriate school girl outfit, and ..yeah, use imagination for the rest of it. And his mum knocked on the door!!!!!!!! We thought she was coming round the next day, to see his new flat, and worst of all I hadnt met her yet! he answered the door in just a towel, not looking like hed just out of the bath, and i closed the door very quickly, only to find that half my clothes were actually in the other room.
Id forgotten all about that til recently.
oh, and when i was about 15 my boyfirends mum walked in on him..er..'tasting my breasts'. and she just stood there, and i saw her, and ...oh it was horrible!!
I love you for what I am not,
I did not ask for what I have got.
You will get used to me.
Welcome to your new joy. |
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billgoodman
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Netherlands
6213 Posts |
Posted - 05/24/2004 : 14:11:49
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I had sex standing up
for like 3 times last week
my girl is a not tall
and I am
she leans against a wall or something
and I take her from behind
not too difficult
not at all
 "I joined the Cult of Frank/Nobody wanted to join my Culf" |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 05/24/2004 : 14:14:31
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quote:
Originally posted by billgoodman
I had sex standing up
for like 3 times last week
my girl is a not tall
and I am
she leans against a wall or something
and I take her from behind
not too difficult
not at all
hey bill, can you post this again, in Dutch? i need a new signature. |
Edited by - floop on 05/24/2004 14:16:03 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/24/2004 : 14:20:15
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quote:
Originally posted by floop
someone told me once that having sex standing up (which is what i thought this thread was about too) helps you last longer, as a guy. ie. it takes longer if you're standing up. i don't know if i believe that. but maybe. .
Yeah that's true.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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ramona
"FB Quote Mistress"
USA
3988 Posts |
Posted - 05/24/2004 : 14:24:29
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quote:
Originally posted by floop
as for funny stories.. i don't really have any. not as funny as darkoutsider. i got walked in on by a roommate once, but it wasn't really funny. i have had an El Barto experience before. sometimes my cat wants to lay on me and purr in inappropriate circumstances. which can be funny.
This made me laugh very hard for some reason. Possibly b/c I have a big hairy cat who likes to sleep on my pillow next to my face. I haven't been around him having sex though, so I am not sure how he will react to that. If that day ever comes...
_______________________________________________________
never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow... |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
Posted - 05/24/2004 : 15:06:18
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I like standing up, when I have sex lately.
I do this so I can look in the mirror at myself, so I won't feel so lonely.
------------------------------------
Confucious say - The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.
He also say my lucky numbers are: 16 27 36 23 11
http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 05/25/2004 : 03:56:23
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quote:
Originally posted by billgoodman
I had sex standing up
for like 3 times last week
my girl is a not tall
and I am
she leans against a wall or something
and I take her from behind
not too difficult
not at all
"I joined the Cult of Frank/Nobody wanted to join my Culf"
I think most people were refering to the act of having sex standing up, while picking the girl up....
I love you for what I am not,
I did not ask for what I have got.
You will get used to me.
Welcome to your new joy. |
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benji
> Teenager of the Year <
New Zealand
3426 Posts |
Posted - 05/25/2004 : 07:01:26
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my wife and i were watched by a peeping-tom a few years ago.
we had only just started going out out and all my flatties had already moved out so we played the whitbread, which is where you have sex in every room of the house.
so anyways, we had done all the rooms, none of which had the curtains pulled and we were in the kitchen which is at the back of the house, and we're going doggie and suddenly i see this little dude poke his head up to look through the window by the sink, which is directly where i'm looking.
man it gave me a fright.
i should/could have chased the little pervert, but i was just too shocked....and naked.
my wife never saw the fucker, but she thought it was hilarious....
suffice to say we moved to another room, pulled the curtains and continued.
 "I joined the Cult of Frank / I think that man deserves a DB!" |
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billgoodman
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Netherlands
6213 Posts |
Posted - 05/25/2004 : 08:23:40
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quote:
Originally posted by GypsyDeath
I think most people were refering to the act of having sex standing up, while picking the girl up....
me too
but as I always say
standing up=standing up
"I joined the Cult of Frank/Nobody wanted to join my Culf" |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2004 : 22:22:12
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quote:
I know you do.
No, you don't, Malax. Quit stalking everyone.
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Topic |
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Stand Up Sex
