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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
 Posted - 05/19/2004 : 13:54:20
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1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. Beds have strange L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level
on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.
4. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No
one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building without difficulty.
7. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in
Paris.
10. People on TV never finish their drinks.
11. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
12. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
13. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by
15cm.
14. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
15. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
16. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to
eat them.
17. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
football stadium.
19. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just
relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.
23. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
than 20 men firing at one.
24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by
frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
25. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if
any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
26. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessor.
27. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person
you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to
their back.
28. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
29. Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at them and no
one else.
30. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
31. When they are alone, all foreigners somehow prefer to speak English
to each other.
32. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with
a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in
the vicinity.
33. There's always a chainsaw around when you need one.
34. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
35. All bombs are fitted with helpful electronic timing devices that
have large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go
off.
36. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.
37. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
39. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Adnan_le_Terrible
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1973 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 14:27:08
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14. It reminds me of that joke where a guy gets drunk and comes back home, he goes to bed and says "honey, a weird thing happened to me as I went to the bathroom - when I opened th door, someone switched the light on, and when I wanted to close the door, someone switched the light off." His wife answered : "Once again, you peed in the fridge!"
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
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martha_promise
= Cult of Ray =
USA
398 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 14:41:13
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24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by
frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
I like this one. I wonder if it just goes back to when people would just pick up the phone and directly talk to the operator? Maybe Hollywood just dismissed not changing it or possibly overlooked it?
It sure is funny though.
~~I love the north part,... I love your marble ear~~ |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 14:57:16
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I also love how fake identification ALWAYS works!!!
Stay tuned for signature change at 400 posts. |
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mun chien andalusia
= Quote Accumulator =
Italy
2139 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 15:02:30
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6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No
one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building without difficulty.
I'll add that ventilation tunnels comodly bring you from a parking lot to a top secret place. Mission impossible is the perfect example. In a top secret room of the Pentagon, protected by stainless steel doors, password keys and at least 12 different kinds of sensors they leave a ventilation conduct, large enough to let pass 2-3 persons over the topest secret computer.
 join the cult of errol\and you can have a beer\without having to quit smoking
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 15:09:22
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Thats brilliant Mike.
I might print this out and stick it on my wall, so when i ammaking films, i shall remember whats I need to add.
I find it interesting you picked up alot of the female make up things...
also, you shoud add no one ever smokes all of their cigarette. just 2-3 puffs, and then throw down.
I love you for what I am not,
I did not ask for what I have got.
You will get used to me.
Welcome to your new joy. |
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Adnan_le_Terrible
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1973 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 15:12:00
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...and people somehow never go to the bathroom.
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
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Carolynanna
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Canada
6556 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 15:12:59
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| ...or take care of their kids. |
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mun chien andalusia
= Quote Accumulator =
Italy
2139 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 16:33:43
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40. All personal computers can connect to a satellite with 2 clicks
41. All kids with glasses and a pc can violate whatever protected
network
43. Firearms don't need ammo unless you are the bad guy
44. Detectives have always a top model girfriend
45. International criminal organizations are easily destroyed by an
alcoholist detective and a retired marine\policeman\lawyer
46. All dictators have a moustache
47. 4 or 5 grenade explosions can destroy a medium sized city
48. All criminals have always the money to bail out of prison within
15 minutes
49. All Italians are mobsters
50. All Greeks have restaurants or hot dog stands
51. All French are sophisticated, drink wine and hate beer
52. All Germans are ex-nazis hiding
53. Nazis spoke German only before executing someone
54. All Chinese and Japanese are masters in at least one martial art
55. It's easy to locate someone you don't know in a big city that
you've never visited before.
56. If you find a suitcase full of drugs you can instantly find
someone who will buy it. Everyone has a friend who knows a big time
drug dealer.
57. If you decide to keep the suitcase the one who lost it will surely
find you
58. Gangs never honour their deals. Even if you do what they want they'll try to kill you
59. If you do a favour at a criminal (specially a mobster) he'll try to kill you
60. All mobsters drink wine and eat spaghetti even in prison
61. There's always a taxi when you need one
62. Taxi drivers are always happy to follow the car that you indicate
them
63. When hunted by criminals you can always find a complete stranger that will help you, will lend you money and then have sex with you.
64. Criminals arrive always 10 minutes after the one they are after has gone (unless he is a traitor. In that case the police arrives 10 minutes too late)
65. Cars will never start immediately when someone is after you, even if they are brand new. They start only after the assasin fails to strangle you through the window.
66. If you meet someone over the internet you are either going to marry him or he is going to try to kill you. In some cases he is going to need your help. In all cases he will change your life
67. If your son is the Antichrist you will not be able to recognize his nature even if your dog barks and disappears in his presence and your parents and friends die one after another in mysterious circumstances
68. The antichrist can only be beaten by priests that have lost their faith and middle class normal people. Never by blacks. If there is a black involved he's most probably a voodoo saman that will predict total distruction of the human kind
69. You must not be afraid of Satan. He is brilliant, good looking and he will prefer to start a philosophical debate on good and evil instead of destroying the world. And he will patiently wait for a priest to eliminate him
70. All long haired people will try to help Satan
71. If you want to invoke Satan you can simply read in loud voice a ceremony in a non existing\invented language. It must sound like latin with bits of greek and arab.
72. After destroying Satan or surviving a war or a mafia manhunt or an alien invasion, you can go on living your life as nothing happened
73. If during your adventure somebody you loved dies you will forget about him. If she was your girlfriend you will instantly fall in love with a prettier one, if he was a friend you will never mention him again (but you will have one of his personal objects that meant a lot to him)
74. Mothers always drive their children at school
75. Fathers always forget birthdays, school plays etc
76. Kids always have something important to do that requires a father's presence, when the father is away, when he gets back home it's always too late.
77. Flights are always on time unless it's christmas or it's your son's birthday or your son is playin Abraham Linkoln at the school play
78. In the above case you will not find a taxi, you will lose your wallet and your cell phone will run out of battery
79. On the other hand you my not care because you are not trying to return home since you have specifically chosen that day to spend with your lover
80. Lovers always leave lipstick marks on your clothes
81. If you have a lover you will be unmasked. Having a shower is useless. Your wife will smell the other woman's perfume and she will find her (blonde) hair on your clothes
82. In case of danger kids always forget their dog\cat\teddybear in the flaming house\sinking ship etc. And there is always someone that instead of running for his life will retrieve the animal.
83. The animal retriever never dies, the ship will sink after he's on the lifeboat or the house will collapse after that he's out
84. If you crash your father's car you will always be lucky enough to find the money to repair it
85. In a weekend
86. School is not a problem. A nerd will change your votes on the school's computer if you promise him a girl.
87. If he doesn't have a pc he will help you study but in the end you will make it on your own
88. Fake id's are as good as the real ones. Noone will notice that you look like a 13 year old and that you dress like one. Even if you order a milkshake in a pub
89. If your father works for the military you will have access at all kinds of top secret files
90. If there is an emergency you can steal that info to help the army
join the cult of errol\and you can have a beer\without having to quit smoking
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Edited by - mun chien andalusia on 05/19/2004 17:37:02 |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 16:51:55
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#65. And after the car finally starts/said car in poorly maintained condition can crash up to 30 times while newer/better cars stop running after one collision/explosion (see #17). During said car chase one police cruiser/mob vehicle will always cut off another just as you turn onto a side street, you may encounter on coming vehicles, in order to escape turn into an alley wide enough for one car only and back out as fast you can, you will NEVER hit another vehicle or be hit by another vehicle.
Stay tuned for signature change at 400 posts. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 16:58:05
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91. Big time drug-dealers always have helicopters.
92. Parachutists always land exactly where they want to, even if it's their first time.
93. All kids in California have wetsuits.
94. If you ever need to find a shark, go to any Florida beach on the busiest day of the year.
Stay tuned for signature change at 400 posts. |
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mun chien andalusia
= Quote Accumulator =
Italy
2139 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 17:36:03
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95. In case of need everyboby can use with extreme ease and precision all kinds of weapons. From a simple handgun to a tank
96. If you smash something on the head of a criminal he will faint for 2-3 hours. By no means he will die or reply to the hit.
97. All criminal acts are filmed by an innocent that happens to pass by
98. In case of natural disasters there is always a misunderstood genius professor that resolves the situation
99. If someone believes that there is a conspiracy, believe him. There is always a conspiracy
100. Mobsters only meet in italian restaurants.
101. The yacuza only meet in japanese restaurants
102. The colombian cartel members meet only on ripid cliffs and arrive always in helicopter
103. The russian mafia members meet only in fish markets
104. All russians will try to sell you plutonium
105. All russians are ex KGB members, or Afghanistan war veterans and\or sell weapons to terrorists
107. All military critical situations can be resolved by a team of 5 to 10 retired soldiers chosen for their proven antisociality and complete luck of discipline.
108. An alternative is to use criminals promissing them grace
109. Politicians are useless, made exception of the president of the USA. Countries outside the US don't even have goverments worth of mentioning, unless there is a dictator
110. Non American fighter plane pilots suck. Every american plane destroyed takes down at least 100 enemy planes\spaceships
111. Same thing for soldiers
112. If someone you know changes behaviour without explanation he's either an alien or possesed by a demon
113. Colonial style old houses are always built on an ancient cemetary
114. Abbandoned houses are always haunted
115. If an alien comes alone he is friendly, if they come in number they are hostile
116. If you wake up after 5 years in coma you can walk out of the hospital immediately
join the cult of errol\and you can have a beer\without having to quit smoking
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 19:19:58
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I'm certainly glad to find out about #85!
Cattle in Korea / They can really moo. |
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 21:46:31
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117. Dogs never die in movies. You can kill off people easily and no one will mind, but if a dog dies in a disaster there is something so heartbreaking about it. It just doesn't happen.
(though after I come up with this one I turn right around and disprove it. "Secret Window.")
Just quit a cult / going through withdrawal |
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IceCream
= Quote Accumulator =
USA
1850 Posts |
Posted - 05/19/2004 : 21:53:39
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| I would have not known that (the band) Guided By Voices had an excellent video for "Bulldog Skin" - that was way back when I'd watch 120 minutes on MTV. Glad those days are over. |
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Adnan_le_Terrible
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1973 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 04:27:56
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quote:
Originally posted by ProverbialCereal
117. Dogs never die in movies. You can kill off people easily and no one will mind, but if a dog dies in a disaster there is something so heartbreaking about it. It just doesn't happen.
(though after I come up with this one I turn right around and disprove it. "Secret Window.")
Just quit a cult / going through withdrawal
Now that's not true. They killed Johnny Walker's dog in the Texas Ranger. W's favorite movie.
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
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Adnan_le_Terrible
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1973 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 04:30:45
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another thing that is really funny is how in American movies and tv shows (like X-files) there is always a story involving Indians (native Americans) if they want to describe something ancient and scary.
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 10:44:45
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118. There will always be a super-strong branch growing out of the side of the cliff right where you are pushed or fall off. This tree branch may be strong enogh to hold a vehicle, but only for enough time as to let the operator out of said vehicle and onto the branch.
Stay tuned for signature change at 400 posts. |
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 10:50:13
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119. If someone falls or gets pushed into a river, this river never fails to lead to a dangerous waterfall
Just quit a cult / going through withdrawal |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 11:20:45
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120. Breaking news comes on as soon as you turn on the television.
Do dyslexic-insomniac-agnostics stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog? |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 13:18:20
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My god. What have I started!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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mun chien andalusia
= Quote Accumulator =
Italy
2139 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 15:40:14
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121. When someone moves next door to you, he is either a serial killer or the love of your life
122. Extremely kind people always hide a terrible secret
123. All native Aegyptians are members of mysterious cults that have the power to ressurect mummies
124. All kinds of electronic equipment works perfectly under all circumstances
125. Russian secret agents are easy to spot
126. All Californian girls are Pamela Anderson's clones
join the cult of errol\and you can have a beer\without having to quit smoking
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 15:44:45
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127. Every, repeat EVERY, teenage girl knows at least one form of martial arts.
 "Everywhere I go I want to travel by X-Wing" |
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ramona
"FB Quote Mistress"
USA
3988 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 15:45:48
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I LOVE # 121. That is perfection!
These are all very funny!
**********************************************************
there's fire if you want it, let me know. I'm sick and tired of letting go... |
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ramona
"FB Quote Mistress"
USA
3988 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 15:47:02
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Dogs never die in movies? Have you seen Old Yeller?
**********************************************************
there's fire if you want it, let me know. I'm sick and tired of letting go... |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 16:14:26
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128. Microfilm is the easiest thing to steal.
Do dyslexic-insomniac-agnostics stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog? |
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Adnan_le_Terrible
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1973 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 16:16:31
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129. All the Frenchmen are gay and dressed like sailors. They also wear berets.
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 16:19:13
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quote:
Originally posted by Adnan_le_Terrible
129. All the Frenchmen are gay and dressed like sailors. They also wear berets.
Hahaha! And they are all named Jacques or Pierre.
Do dyslexic-insomniac-agnostics stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog? |
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Adnan_le_Terrible
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1973 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 16:24:02
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Sometimes they're named Gaston or René.
French girls are always named Michelle!
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 16:25:13
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130. Black Americans are named Carl and Italian Americans are named Lenny.
Do dyslexic-insomniac-agnostics stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog? |
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Adnan_le_Terrible
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1973 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 16:26:21
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quote:
Originally posted by shineoftheever
130. Black Americans are named Carl and Italian Americans are named Lenny.
Do dyslexic-insomniac-agnostics stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog?
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 16:28:40
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131. Policemen are always "booking" prostitutes at the "precinct".
Do dyslexic-insomniac-agnostics stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog? |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 16:30:11
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oh, and the prostitutes usaually have a brooklyn accent even if they are in chicago or detroit.
Do dyslexic-insomniac-agnostics stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog? |
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The King Of Karaoke
> Teenager of the Year <
USA
3759 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 16:47:08
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"Things you would never know if it weren't for T.V"
Thank's to VH1 and an extremely late train last Sunday, I now know something I've always wanted to know, who's got the most Bling Bling.
JLo
------------------------------------
Confucious say - The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.
He also say my lucky numbers are: 16 27 36 23 11
http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/
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Edited by - The King Of Karaoke on 05/20/2004 19:52:43 |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 17:37:49
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quote:
128. Microfilm is the easiest thing to steal.
It probably really is, since I doubt anyone would miss it once it's gone.
Cattle in Korea / They can really moo. |
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 05/20/2004 : 17:38:16
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quote:
Originally posted by ramona
Dogs never die in movies? Have you seen Old Yeller?
**********************************************************
there's fire if you want it, let me know. I'm sick and tired of letting go...
I haven't seen it. Thanks for ruining the ending!
Just quit a cult / going through withdrawal |
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Topic |
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Things you would never know if it weren't for T.V
