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mcmikey
= Cult of Ray =
799 Posts |
 Posted - 01/26/2004 : 14:17:42
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DRAWN TO DRINK
By Paul F. Tompkins
Reprinted from www.LAInnuendo
One mean drunk on one annoying drunk
If you’re over 22 years of age, you really shouldn’t like the antics of Homer Simpson anymore. I don’t mean you should stop telling people you watch the show, I mean, literally, you shouldn’t watch it anymore.
Why? Because Homer Simpson was nothing more than a tremendously incompetent old drunk who ate and reate the same donut about 40 times. If you’re a budding pretentious jerkoff in your late teens, get yourself any Simpsons DVD and hang on to it. You needn’t buy any of the others. Just watch that one 40 times. You’ve got to trust me on this. And by all means avoid the "comic books." First of all, comics are an embarrassing art form and are only really done well once every hundred years or so, and Homer Simpson was no Donald Duck. Essentially, his "comics" were just one of his self-consciously moronic, repetitive "episodes" chopped up to look like "comics." It’s no "good."
See, it’s just not for adults. It’s okay for those crucial years when you are trying to form what you think is a cool personality. Homer will not let you down then. Talking about him lends you some whiff of suburbanity, which I know you desperately want and need at this point in your still-formative years. This is the time to drink off-brand beer and discover Matt Groening's early catalogue, when he was drawing for a crappy Tracy Ullman show and was pretty much just as pretentious as you now aspire to be. These early Groening shorts are all about things that would happen in a Simpsons episode ! Fantastic! But as forced as those shorts are, they’re still a thousand times better-written than any single sentence of Homer's. Early Groening and any Homer will stand you in good stead with aspiring white A.V. club members and any fat losers at your local "suburbran" bar who are really into getting drunk all day every day.
(Also, my future Moe's fixture, don’t bother with cake doughnuts. I guarantee you won’t like them and it’s not worth trying to get used to them because you never will and they taste like chalk you would buy in a school supply shop.)
What’s so weird about the Groening/Homer Simpson connection is that Groening clearly didn’t experience any of the retro "Treehouse of Horror" horseshit he was shoveling out, but Simpson lived all of his own miserable work. So why is it so goddamned terrible? Perhaps because Homer was merely living the things that went on in his life, without any real effort to make these experiences into literature. This is the beauty of pretension. It takes a huge asshole to write about his snacks, his Duff hangovers, and his frequenting of Moe's Tavern, but it takes an even bigger asshole to encourage him to do so.
Unfortunately, Simpson lived and napped in Springfield and is associated closely with the power plant. In certain circles, anyway. A little while ago some old ghost of mine from back east came out here for a week-long visit that I can only describe as excruciating. This is a guy who has a soul patch, wears vintage bowling shirts, and says "dig" because he thinks it makes him interesting. This fellow is in his mid-forties. How awkward! Needless to say, he was thrilled to be walking the same streets as one of his heroes, Homer Simpson. I let him do this on his own, going so far as to pretend I had a job to go to every day so I could avoid this goon.
One afternoon, he came back to my apartment after having been roaming around downtown Springfield all day. He told me he’d gone and had a couple of pops at a bar called Moe's. Sadly, I know Moe's all too well, having been forced by my circumstances to drink there almost exclusively when I first came to town and didn’t really have any of what you’d call money.
"Went to Moe's today, man," the goon said. "I really dig that place."
I angrily bit the inside of my cheek until I tasted copper and replied, "Oh, yeah?"
With a huge smile on his face, the goon told me that he was informed that Homer used to drink there.
What I did not tell him was that this is hardly singular news. Simpson was a hideous alcoholic and most likely drank in every bar in Springfield. If there is a bus stop bench on your corner, odds are he drank there, too. There probably isn’t a plaque, but try to enjoy it anyway.
For more Paul F. Tompkins, visit www.paulftompkins.com
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...and don't forget the taint! |
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2004 : 14:20:45
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hahahahaha...very nice.
 "Join the Cult of Gunn / And Then You'll Be Destined to be a Rock and Roll Star of Epical Proportions!" |
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mcmikey
= Cult of Ray =
799 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2004 : 14:21:53
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yeah...it took me like 20 minutes to change all the stuff to pertain to homer
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...and don't forget the taint! |
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Malax
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1340 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2004 : 15:23:36
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I read all that, and it wasn't even about the simpsons! God damn I can be slow sometimes.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Sugar Is Sweet...Im Gonna Break Your Face. |
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mcmikey
= Cult of Ray =
799 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2004 : 15:30:32
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sorry, Malax. It was a joke based on an earlier thread. I'm sorry to have wasted your time
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...and don't forget the taint! |
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