| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 09/07/2004 : 09:42:07
This is a joke that was in the local newspaper the other day;
Two women meet at the pearly gates.
"Hi. My name is Wanda."
"Hi. I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?"
"I froze to death."
"How horrible."
"It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I became warm and sleepy. Finally I died a peaceful death. What about you?"
"I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him. But he was alone, watching TV."
"So what happened?"
"I was sure a woman was somewhere in the house. I ran up to the attic, down to the basement, checked every closet, under the beds. I so exhausted myself that my heart gave out. I keeled over and died."
"I wish you'd checked the freezer. We'd both be alive."
I don't know guys.
I'm not sure I get it.
Is there something funny about this joke?
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| 35 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| TarTar |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 16:09:33
Gypsy Death said: quote:
The ant joke sucks
I know, it's very sophomoric, but for some reason, the imagery of it really cracks me up.
Inna zany combination of Wayne's Pet Youngin'! |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 10:33:34
I'll just eat'em with whip cream, hah!
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 10/02/2004 : 18:04:15
The end of the alotment is nigh!
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
| n/a |
Posted - 10/02/2004 : 16:23:02
don't worry too much carolynanna, tre has discovered the strawberries are easy to thwart so you can be scornfull worry free
I look like the kind of guy who pimps his sister not just for the money, but because he hates her
|
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 10/02/2004 : 15:27:04
quote:
Originally posted by PsychicTwin
I posted this on the "Jokes" thread, but thought I'd share it here too.
The kid, obviously annoyed and aggravated by this point, tears the welder's mask from his head, and says "Listen man, I'm not really a welder!!"
Well there shouldn't be an alternative place to post it!
Damn you Carolynanna, damn you to strawberry hell!
Help me! He keeps making me post!
|
| PsychicTwin |
Posted - 10/01/2004 : 10:43:10
I posted this on the "Jokes" thread, but thought I'd share it here too. It's a bit twisted but funny nonetheless:
A young boy is playing around in a constructions site, as young boys are prone to do, and he comes across a welder's mask. He thinks its really cool, and puts it on. As he's walking home with his new welder's mask on, an old man in a car stops beside him on the side of the road. By now it's close to sundown, and the man offers him a ride. "Its not safe for a kid your age to be walking down the side of the road at sundwon. I'll give you a ride, hop in."
The little boy gets in the car, all the while still wearing his welder's mask. As they're driving along, the man starts asking him some very unusual questions.
"Hey kid, do you know what coitus is?"
The kid looks at him with confusion, and shrugs. There is a pause, and the man continues.
"Hey kid, do you know what fellatio is?"
The kid shrugs again, shaking his head. "Nope."
The man waits for a minute or two, and then asks
"Hey kid, do you know what sodomy is?"
The kid, obviously annoyed and aggravated by this point, tears the welder's mask from his head, and says "Listen man, I'm not really a welder!!" |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 10/01/2004 : 10:09:38
I think you got it right Tre. ;)
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| n/a |
Posted - 10/01/2004 : 10:04:26
how do I spell pedantic mr scruffed hair ( )
I look like the kind of guy who pimps his sister not just for the money, but because he hates her
|
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 10/01/2004 : 10:03:55
I was too lazy to find the aigu thingy...
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| Cult_Of_Frank |
Posted - 10/01/2004 : 10:01:51
It's risky to spell risque as riskay.
 "Join the Cult of Frank 2.0 / And you'll be enlightened (free for 1.x members)" |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 10/01/2004 : 08:25:07
This columnist is a little riskay,
here's his joke for today;
A sex researcher phones a participant in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.
He asks the man, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'Twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'Several times a night.' "
"That's right," growled the husband. "And that's how it'll stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| Cult_Of_Frank |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 10:28:31
I haven't had my hair scruffed in a long time, thanks Tre! :P
"Join the Cult of Frank 2.0 / And you'll be enlightened (free for 1.x members)" |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 10:24:43
Its kinda funny,
but I heard it before.
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| n/a |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 10:23:46
it's clever... but not funny
bless you for trying though, bless
*scruffs hair*
I look like the kind of guy who pimps his sister not just for the money, but because he hates her
|
| Cult_Of_Frank |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 10:20:54
OK, so maybe it's only funny to me.
"Join the Cult of Frank 2.0 / And you'll be enlightened (free for 1.x members)" |
| Cult_Of_Frank |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 08:59:16
My sister told me this one the other day:
A guy is speeding along the highway when suddenly he finds an RCMP cruiser with its lights on behind him. The officer pulls him over and comes up to the car.
"License and registration please?"
"OK, sure, here's my license, but I want to let you know when you put it through that the outstanding warrants on there have been settled already. Oh, and my registration is in the glovebox, but before I get it, don't be alarmed about the gun in there." The officer is visibly nervous and unsure what to do with this guy, and the man pulled over notices him glance at the back seat. "If you want to go through my car, of course, feel free, but I just want to make sure you're not going to arrest me for the large amount of drugs in my trunk."
At this, the officer tells him to wait in the car and runs back to his cruiser, calling for backup. 5 minutes later, there are 8 cruisers and the SWAT team arrives. They search the car and find no gun, no drugs, and that the man's record is absolutely spotless. The head of the SWAT team says to the man, "I don't understand. The officer said you have outstanding warrants, a trunk full of drugs, and were armed."
"Oh, sure," replies the man indignantly. "I bet he told you I was speeding, too!"
"Join the Cult of Frank 2.0 / And you'll be enlightened (free for 1.x members)" |
| GypsyDeath |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 07:46:43
I thought the pearly gates joke was quite funny, Because I didnt guess the ending right away.
The ant joke sucks, the bush joke is quite funny. 'its funny cos its true!!'
God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex |
| n/a |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 06:24:41
it all suddenly makes sense
( )
I look like the kind of guy who pimps his sister not just for the money, but because he hates her
|
| TarTar |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 06:12:25
That's why it goes in the "Funny?" (note the question mark) section.
Inna zany combination of Wayne's Pet Youngin'! |
| n/a |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 06:09:49
*groan*
I look like the kind of guy who pimps his sister not just for the money, but because he hates her
|
| TarTar |
Posted - 09/30/2004 : 05:25:01
So a male ant is walking through the forest and comes upon a female elephant with a thorn in her foot, in obvious pain. "Can you help me?" she asks. I'll do anything if you can get this thorn out of my foot." The ant wraps his arms around the thorn and pulls it out. "Oh, thank you! What can I do for you?" the elephant asks. "Well, I've never had sex with an elephant before," says the ant. "Oh, sure, go ahead," replies the elephant.
So the ant starts crawling up the back of her leg, gets into position, and sticks it in her. Meanwhile, a monkey in a nearby coconut tree sees all this and bursts into hysterical fits of laughter, knocking a coconut out of the tree right onto the elephant's head. "OUCH!" she screams. "Yeah! Take it all, bitch!" says the ant.
Inna zany combination of Wayne's Pet Youngin'! |
| Newo |
Posted - 09/26/2004 : 09:56:26
First joke, like Aitch Pee Em sez, not hilarious but yeah one of those ones sends mildly pleasurable tremors on your chest.
--
Jódete, tío,
Que se joda tu hermana,
Que se joda tu hermano,
Que se joda tu madre,
Que se joda tu tía,
¡Porque soy policia!
Que se jodas, currante,
Que se joda tu perro,
Que se joda tu hijo,
Que se joda tu amante,
No me pidas razónes,
Soy el Hombre ¡cojones! |
| realmeanmotorscutor |
Posted - 09/26/2004 : 09:41:40
hehehe, I just saw this last joke. Good stuff :)
 |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 09/20/2004 : 12:55:23
George Bush visited a elementary school in the U.S.
After his talk he asked if there were questions.
One little boy put up his hand.
"Mr. President, my name is Billy. I have three questions.
"First, why did the U.S. invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?
"Third, what happened to Osama bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rang for recess.
After recess the president continued with the question period. Another little boy put up his hand.
"Mr. President, my name is Steve. I have five questions.
"First, why did the U.S. invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
"Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?
"Third, what happened to Osama bin Laden?
"Fourth, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
"And fifth, what happened to Billy?"
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 09/20/2004 : 12:54:22
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he asked her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
"When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side ... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 09/20/2004 : 12:53:37
There's a couple more in that column I thought were funny,
Arbitrator: A cook who leaves Arby's for McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Paradox: Two physicians.
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Seamstress: Describes 120 kg squeezed into a size 6.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 09/08/2004 : 13:52:49
'A little far' may be understating it a little.
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
|
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 09/08/2004 : 11:59:43
'Best Joke' may be going a little far.
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| Black_francis_ |
Posted - 09/08/2004 : 11:34:43
thats the best joke ive ever heard |
| n/a |
Posted - 09/08/2004 : 08:59:23
The princess bride is the greatest, are we talking book or film here 'cos I adores both, was suckered by the book like a fool, I wish he'd written buttercups baby
the room smelled like cupids gym
|
| vilainde |
Posted - 09/08/2004 : 02:50:04
quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Of_Frank
I only use awk for awkward. I also quote Princess Bride.
Nice! I always quote Princess Bride too.
Denis
|
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 09/07/2004 : 13:43:22
This is the columnist.
He always starts off with a joke.
http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/Columnists/Edmonton/Graham_Hicks/home.html
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
| ShakeyShake |
Posted - 09/07/2004 : 13:41:44
Heh,very good
"I joined the Cult of this guy / 'cause they took my other picture away |
| Cult_Of_Frank |
Posted - 09/07/2004 : 13:36:09
Yes. It could also have been funny if on first seeing each other, one had asked, "Mom, what are you doing here?"
"Join the Cult of Frank 2.0 / And you'll be enlightened (free for 1.x members)" |
| darwin |
Posted - 09/07/2004 : 13:17:58
It wouldn't be funny if the way she died was probable (like being strangled or bludgeoned with a candlestick), but since she couldn't really die in a regular freezer we're allowed to laugh. |
