| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| El Barto |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 12:41:19
I haven't been posting much and I don't think I will be anymore. The fact that nobody even noticed I was gone...who cares, who am I anyway. I guess it's very narcissistic for me to think that even matters. Why should I matter...I'm just a number. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
This isn't a cry for help. Maybe it is. Maybe it's not. Take it as you will. But for one thing, if someone comes to a public forum to talk about not wanting to continue living, there must be a problem. I'm not one to involve other people in my problems. My problems are mine. I, for some reason at this point, perhaps out of personal therapy, find it important to explain what's going through my head.
For the past month, I've thought about suicide. A lot. I can't explain exactly how my brain feels. I've lost all forms of happiness. If I'm ever happy, it's a brief flash in the pan and it's gone before I even know it, and I'm back to my former self. I have no desire to create new memories because they're just too painful to look back on, and when I have nothing, which is all the time, I go back and remember when I had something, and it's all gone.
My brain and body feel complete. I feel done. Finished with whatever I'm here for. I'm in limbo...I'm between a former, happy self and a big question mark. I have no motivation. I no longer have any hopes or dreams. I no longer aspire to do anything with my life. I don't look at myself as anything special like I once did.
When I try to think of a future for myself, I don't picture it. When I try to picture happiness, it doesn't exist. I can no longer make myself happy. I don't have anything to look forward to. I hate my job and I hate my freetime. I hate being bored. I hate waking up every morning because my dreams are the most beautiful thoughts I have anymore. My dreams are where I want to be. I look forward to going to sleep to go back to those people and places that exist only in my head, only at night.
I miss being happy. I miss smiling and laughing. I miss loving and feeling loved. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss kissing and hugging and romance. I miss running around the backyard as a kid, swimming in little plastic pools, playing in the sandbox, riding my bike around the block, around the next block, and seeing a world I never saw before. That excitement no longer exists in me. It's completely burned out.
This is a look into the minds of an individual. This represents everything that makes my heart ache, my brain tired, my eyes tear, my throat lumpy. I can't imagine my self-worth dropping any further. I don't want you to say anything. I'm just a number. I'm here and gone.
You can never quite size up any situation like this. It always looks pathetic. I sound pathetic. If I were you, I'd say I was pathetic, because posts like this are fucking stupid. fucking cries for help. Disturbed individual. Oh boohoo, you feel sad, at least you're not starving...cheer up. At least you're not in the middle east. At least you still have your head.
Perception is life. Wherever you're at, there are people who have it much worse than you, and there are people who have it much better than you. It's all about striving to be better while remembering those who have it worse.
I'm still alive. I could be dead. That would be worse, huh? It's hard to say any more because I feel dead inside.
Oh gag me. How fucking cheesy. Stick a finger in the mouth. How fucking stupid.
Thank you for your time.
I will regret having posted this.
Boycott cults and t's |
| 35 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| GypsyDeath |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 15:39:59
Yeah, Im with Homer, that was Beautifully put.
I had some very close people in my life that fell in to a lot of forms of self mutilation. This one irl..my oldest friend, my bestfriend, and at one point, the only person i felt who cared began self mutilation.
Not only was she cutting herself, she was skinning her self with her blades, she was also anorexic, used to pull her hair out...all sorts.
It was just so heartbreaking to see. No matter what I did, I could only get her too stop for short peroids at a time..She might stop cutting ehrself, say for a week, a 3 months even at one point, and then suddenly id see a spot of blood on her clothing where a wound had opened.
Its a horrible circle to be in. You feel let down after everything youve tried to do for them, and yet you feel youve let them down. i HATE THAT FEELING.
Shes almost ok now. after numerous near death experiences. I got her over the anorexia (occasional short relapses...but nothing like it was) she a beautifully healthy 8 and a half stone. (should be 9, but hell, its better then 4 and a half), and the scars barely show any more. But it still sends a steak through my heart when I see them.
Ive had various experiences slightly more personal to me that i wont go in to on here. I just dont ... erm, ive lost the point of thsi post now.
I just feel that everything happens for a reason, and as horrid as it souns, everything that happens makes you stronger. and when youve seen how strong you are to get through this...I dont know. Justdont give up.
I bet you never thought your movie would turn out this way
You crossed the other way, youd hope i wouldnt see you, you say youre doing fine, but thats not what it looks like, your undercovers on...
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| BLT |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 15:27:14
Sometimes you've got to back away from the trees to know you're in a forest.
What if 'personal issues' are being fomented by occurrences in an environment close to home? An abusive mate, a torturous job, sleep disruptions, etc., etc. Temporarily getting away from that can give one some peace of mind to make more sound decisions. |
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 15:22:37
Thats was beautifully put Tre. I guess there is nothing else to add really.
__________________________________________________
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
| n/a |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 15:15:33
I don't think the travelling thing works for everyone. I have been a depressive for a long long time and used to crave some sort of physical release from it, some actual emobodiment that I could deal with because it's so hard to deal with the fuck ups inside your head. Nearly all of my good friends are the same, all of us with our own little self destructivity mechanisms, drink, drugs starvation. Mine was self mutilation, to actually have something I could see, at the time I thought it was normal. At the time I thought it was great. I was so fucking wrong. I wasn't one of those look at me self harmers, no one knew unless I wanted them to know so no one knew. It came to a point where it could not go on any more. I couldn't get out of bed I couldn't talk without crying and I'd be lying there twitching for my blade. I didn't want the drugs either but I did it, for a few months, seroxat at a low dose then prozac at a low dose then a higher dose then the maximum dose and then I stopped. I am 4 years clean with no drugs and no self harm and it has not been easy.
Suicide was often a thought that passed through my head and still does to this day I don't know if that ever goes away but i tell you it is not an option. The devestation it leaves in it's wake is too much to deal with, because no matter how much you feel like you are on your own you never are, no matter how inadequate an indiviual might feel just existing means you are touching other peoples lives, and you can't take that away from them. When I was 11 A boy I'd known for a long time hung himself, we weren't even that close but the horrible sudden shift of the world and the aching feeling of guilt never goes away.
Life is a cunt. It is full of highs and lows and those transitionary periods that make time feel like treacle, so slow you think the pressure will make your mind fucking implode. But I hold on to my highs and the small things that make me happy because that is what I have to keep me grounded. Look at the things you love, your comfort zones the people you love. You are never a burden to your family and friends. People are always fascinating. Songs never stop being great. Books never stop feeling important. The feeling that comes when anything makes your heart race never stops feeling good. The sunlight on your face and the sight of your breath in the cold cold air are proof enough that it is ok to be alive. And internet forums are never lacking in shoulders to cry on.
It is hard to kick the apathetic overcoat that comes with depression and there's no quick and easy way of peeling that fucking thing off but it is a far better thing to try.
|
| Cult_Of_Frank |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 12:38:25
You can't leave them behind, perhaps, but you can take a break from them. Relocating is sort of a different animal than travelling and living day-day.
At least for me, travelling gave me an entirely new perspective and I think I'm more happy now than I've ever been. Not to say I'm a fountain of bliss or something over here, but I don't generally get down like I used to. Now I just get snarly. :)
 "When 5000 posts you reach / Look as good you will not, hmmm?" |
| Dave Noisy |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 10:32:04
You can't 'leave' your problems behind. Your problems are actually a part of your psyche, and need to be realized and dealt with in this respect..no amount of distance will solve personal issues..
Three years ago i was rather fed-up with my life in Victoria...so i moved to Norfolk, VA (work for PETA, be with an amazing woman who just happened to be in love with me ;) but that didn't work out...(was there six months.) From there i tried Toronto, big city of opportunities...but lasted about four months there.
I've been back in Victoria for two years, and i'm really happy where i'm at now. A little perspective can be helpful..
 Join the Cult of the Flying Pigxies - I'm A Believer! |
| Monsieur |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 06:49:15
El Jimbo,
I didn't notice your absence because I wasn't on the forum before (is this sentence ambiguous enough?)
I am frequently depressed, but never deeply and never for a long period - I usually get rid of it through sports and other physical activities. So I guess I cannot really help you by describing my own case, I just wanted to say that you seem a really nice person and I really felt concerned about what you said. You shouldn't be ashamed about what you wrote, being depressed means you are a caring and smart person who thinks about things. I don't think you sounded pathetic, in fact it is quite courageous to say that kind of things.
One of my best friends has serious problems with this, though. Two years ago, he attempted a suicide and spent 6 months in the psychiatric hospital. Now he's a lot better, and medical care did work for him as it turned out to be more serious than a simple depression.
One thing that helps me when I'm feeling down - I say to myself that what I really want is more life, not less life. |
| Coldheartofstone |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 03:42:53
El Barto,
I am feeling almost the exact same way you are.
It's been going on for quite a while...a couple years.
I'm trying the "trip" solution right now, I've come up to Ottawa for a week just to get a change of my surroundings. But the same feeling is there.
I wish I had some advice...but it's not working so far for me, so how could i help anyone else. I guess I just have to say you're not alone.
That whole suicide thing is pretty serious. When I was in the hospital and thinking I was going to die, I actually hoped I would. It's not a nice feeling.
Her life was saved by Rock & Roll. |
| Minky303 |
Posted - 06/28/2004 : 03:20:23
I've got a trippy book recommendation, _Conversations with God: an uncommon dialogue_ by mr. neale donald walsch.. *alert* this is not distributed by focus on the family or any other stupid christian critters.
Don't know if anyone else has read it but its a nice "new age" (if it demands a label?) spirituality book - with a totally different spin on how to look at life. So sit down, read, trip out, and think about what you want in life
You might think the books a load of crap, possibly, but hey it can still distract, or trip you out, for a little while.
It made me happy, AND I can finally read/see the word "God" without recoiling in horror.. but thats my own thing
*edit* Before tripping out (what was I talking about, this is why I don't post much heh...) I just wanted to mention that going to talk to somebody is a grand idea. Depression gives you tunnel vision/thoughts and you only see that one negative perspective - eventually you believe it to be reality and thats really hard to break out of. But the important thing to remember is that depression is a temporary condition .. you will feel better just remember that.
I mentioned that book because its a different, positive perspective.. like focusing on who you want to be, instead of spending energy trying to figure out who you are. Like creating reality versus discovering reality.
Anyway the more perspectives you've got, the better things look.. is basically what my trippy post meant..
Making the decision to go talk with someone (and meds can help clear the fog, and are often used temporarily) is the most important thing to do.. |
| Frog in the Sand |
Posted - 06/27/2004 : 00:26:38
Jim, I don't really know you - but maybe you ask yourself too many questions?...
Sure you're deep, intelligent, and quite mature for a young guy. But there's a time to think and a time to live. To act. To create. Intelligence is basically worried and pessimistic. Too much thinking is exhausting and inhibiting, in one word depressing.
You say your dreams are beautiful. Great, it means you're not dead - and maybe not so willing to die. Rather than living in your dreams, why wouldn't you try to bring them (or some of them) to life - into your life? Maybe that's simply what you need.
Sorry if I'm wrong. |
| Little Black Francis |
Posted - 06/26/2004 : 07:16:08
I love you man. fb.net style, and so do my cats.
I'm so happy you did not die. You had us worried.
You had us all puking, we were love sick.
Just like me, puking all day for 10 days, because I love my 89 yrear best friend in the world
I love 3 people in this world 89, 64, and 60 years old they are, I am merely 27.
There's nothing merely about 27.
I wonder how many people I lost contact with are dead?
I love my grandmother more than anyone else in the world. I haven't seen her in a week, since she got NEMONIA hehe, sory, i can't spell that word if I tried, uim, yeah... I never truly understood the meaning of the phrase or word love-sick until a few days ago... when my life changed forever...
I now play a one of a kind moog and guitar at the same time and I now wear a pinnky ring with a star
I'm thinking of addding a red jewel under...
fuck it
hahahhahahha
nerver mind
fb.net chicks rule!!!!!!!
um, "mu-ha-hahaahmuhaa...moo ha
May Everone Be Well
While I puke on hydrogyn peroxide again
I think I might win the folowing fb.net titles: (I already hpold most likely to post drunk, the diclive suggestion guy, bone machine guy)
I recieved a npomination for biggest idiot, but my net handle cost me that title...
oh well, fuck me
85 weeks and I'll be gone...
My new sig: "
ja=>liefde (bang) botsing ou wakka wakka =) Wakka, wakka, Bam Thwok (LBF)
|
| Cheeseman1000 |
Posted - 06/26/2004 : 04:24:30
Ach, scutor, you know thats not true either, I miss ya. I know what you mean though, its easy to feel forgotten on somewhere like this. The cool thing about here is that everyone has a pretty genuine respect and liking for the other users, so you can know its not out of spite.
Just don't bring up anyone who's been banned...
;)
Good to hear from you Jim, best wishes OK?
Take care.
 "Ee-hee! Shamone!" |
| TarTar |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 15:13:48
I'm on the other side of the state in Kalamazoo. About 2 or 2 and a half hours away.
"You gotta watch the mota, Thurston. Yr fuckin memory just goes out the window." |
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 11:44:50
I really can't deal with this topic. It has really freaked me out. Why? 'Cos I had a thought/day dream about it today, except it was me posting. I have only just seen this now. This has never happened to me before. I don't know what it means but it's fucking freaky and I feel sick.
I genuinely miss you Jim, that's all I can say right now.
Listen to Nine Black Alps. |
| realmeanmotorscutor |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 11:37:29
Jim, I haven't been on much at all lately so I can't say I've noticed much of anything, but I read your post (backwards - I was hoping for an uplifting peroration; unfortunately it worked the other way - a bad sign) and I want to tell you that even though you don't know or care for me, I'm here to help or talk. I too often feel like just a number. Message boards might make a person feel important while their topic is flaming, but when you're gone you're gone. I've been here forever but am hardly noticed. That's fine; try not to put too much stock in anonymous people. I know that sounds stupid after having just said I'm here to help. Don't get me wrong, I am (as it seems everyone else is) but I urge you to talk to someone close by too. I don't have a hell of a lot to add to the other replies, only that there's another number out there who wishes you the best. Chin up and take advantage of your friends being there for you!
AIM: AbraxasZugzwang
realmeanmotorscutor@email.com
 |
| Newo |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 09:44:43
You cannot die Jim. We are made of energy which can only be converted into another form. how did you plan on slipping into a nonstate anyway?
-Owen |
| darwin |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 09:24:15
Another reason to live: we need your vote in Michigan or Pennsylvania to send Bush back to Texas. |
| PsychicTwin |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 09:23:02
El Barto-
I'll be brief since so many people have articulated things so well already.
There's always something more to live for, sometimes you just need to change your surroundings or go on a different track. There are so many possibilities for young people our age that its almost astounding...your youth is the time to travel, learn, explore, reflect, and do.
My advice would be to seek out medication if you need to...there is no shame in that, nor stigma. There is a medical reason these drugs work. I sympathize with you, though, I've always been bull-headed about not taking daily prescription medication of any kind.
Other than that, I think you should consider the options you do have (other than suicide.) They are there, and its up to you to take advantage of them. Like you said, perspective is everything.
Hope to be seeing you around for a long time to come, man! |
| cvanepps |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 09:15:42
Jim, you think it's bad at 21? Wait 'til you reach 36 with no wife, no kids, and no girlfriend. I could take stock in my life and feel pretty shitty about it. But I don't. Fact is, I'm happy because all the decisions that placed me in my current situation were of my own design. I don't like kids so I didn't have any. I loathe female mindgames so much that I'd rather be alone. So I am.
Sometimes I feel down but I have family and friends that care about me. I'm sure you do too. Besides, if you kill yourself, think of all the Simpsons episodes you'll be missing. Can you believe they're still going after 16 years or whatever? Man oh man.
Here's another angle: misery is the mother of all creativity. I'm not sure who said that but I'm sure it's true. You're a musician, yes? So write a killer song about it. Of course it's been done before but that's not the point. It hasn't been done by you, at least, not at this point in your life. Your song might help someone else who's feeling down someday.
-= It's not easy to kidnap a fat man =-
http://www.cvanepps.com |
| mereubu |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 08:55:22
Darlin', and I know where you're coming from b/c I resist the chemicals as well, I think that you might consider at least seeking some kind of help. I know loads of people who just did short courses of anti-d's and got back on track. It doesn't mean you're a weenie or anything--sometimes we just end up in places where we need a little hand back up, and you've certainly had a lot of turmoil in your life over the past year or so. I've watched one very close member of my family, with the proper meds, go from an agoraphobic w/a panic disorder & chronic depression who couldn't even get out of bed most days to someone who has gotten her diving certification (unheard of for seriously phobic folks), moved across the country after the living in the same town for her entire life and gone back to school. I don't think folks should be handing the stuff out like it's Pez, but sometimes it can really help. Please hang in there, Jim! Take it a day at a time if that's what you have to do. I have a cousin who committed suicide a couple of months ago and I really don't think you're the kind of person who would inflict this kind of hurt on the people around him.
EDIT: OK, this sounds bitchier than I meant it to, but I bitch b/c I care. |
| The King Of Karaoke |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 08:26:56
No drugs Jim!
-------------------------------------
http://www.geocities.com/j_vaughn/bigfoot.html
Have you looked into the eye's of a RankStranger?
If you have you will never forget that moment!
http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/
|
| El Barto |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 08:17:57
I'm still here. I thank you all kindly for the nice words and for listening. I don't know what else to say. I'm in Michigan until Sunday visiting. TarTar, I'm in Warren, right outside Detroit.
I've thought about taking medication, but I never wanted to rely on chemicals to make me feel better...and deal with all the side effects and shit, but at this point, I don't know what to do.
Boycott cults and t's |
| The King Of Karaoke |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 07:59:42
Jim, I spent an hour and a half writing a response to you last night. I really spilled my guts about my life on here. After I posted my response I decided it was too much personal info for an internet forum. Lets just say I had a very rough childhood as well. I like the way apls put it "bad family issues". Listen Jim, my life sucked pretty bad up until about the age of nineteen. I never actually contemplated suicide I suspest i probably was in some form of depression though. Music became a huge part of my life because it helped me tune out the shit for awhile. Another thing that helped me was exercise. going to the gym and getting out my fustrations helped me deal with so much stress it was unbelievable! The best thing I have ever done for myself while living on the east coast is join a gym.
Anyway, I rarely think about those days anymore. I have disconected from many of the people that helped create that hell for me at the time. Until recently, I hadn't seen my mom since I was seventeen and when I did try reconnecting all the shit came pooring back so after twenty five minutes I left her standing on the door step of where she lives. But this ain't about me, is it?
Jim as much as life sucked back when I was younger I'm making up for it now ten fold. My life rocks! Your life will only get better too! If people are fucking up your life, tell them to beat a path. Go find some new people. There are plenty of them around. I've done it repeatedly thoughout my life and it was only to my benefit. think about all the issues you have going on and see if you can directly attribute them to someone. Usually you can. Don't let outside influences mess your life up Jim.
Blah, blah, blah. I 'll end it there
-------------------------------------
http://www.geocities.com/j_vaughn/bigfoot.html
Have you looked into the eye's of a RankStranger?
If you have you will never forget that moment!
http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/
|
| apl4eris |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 07:18:29
Jim, I hope you're ok. I was depressed/suicidal for most of my life, since age 7 (bad family issues and a weird perspective at a young age = serious depression). I can't say whether drugs or therapy or activity or spirituality or just your own hutzpah (or something else entirely) would get you over the hump, but the best thing to do is try something, and don't expect anything right away. What bugs you the most about yourself? Do you get exercise? I'm guessing you spend an incredible amount of time thinking and stewing. That's always what got me into trouble. I suggest a camping trip to a National Park, with some friends or a group activity, and some serious hiking and even climbing (with the proper gear/guides, etc.!). Don't try to answer those questions. Let thoughts of what you need to do or why you aren't happy or what you are supposed to do, be. They will get answered when you let go of the fear built up from worrying about who you should be. Everything you need is in you, and around you when you are in a place that allows you to see the opportunities, but as long as you are grabbing for it in fear, you won't be able to access it. Like the monkeys' paws in a rice jar.
My best wishes to you, Jim. I believe you will move through this with grace, and be a stronger and a more truly happy person. Just don't try to rush it. |
| noexx |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 02:40:29
life, be it terible or wonderful or perhaps a mixture of both, is worth keeping until the natural end. |
| Dave Noisy |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 01:28:07
I, too, noticed the lack of El Postings, but i've been out of the loop and assumed it was a combination of Dave-hate and London visiting. I have the 16th marked in my daybook as the day you go to the UK. I guess things have changed..
You should talk to people, be it friends or a counsellor of some sort. It's important to get other perspectives.
Friends are friends because they care about you.
Imagine for a moment that someone you know and care about a lot was feeling much the same as you are right now. Would you want your friend to tell you how they were feeling?
Maybe it's a chemical imbalance..maybe you're just down about what's been going on..either way, it's clear you've got to make some sort of change.
Life sucking isn't a bad thing, btw. It gives you perspective, and helps you figure out what it is that make life good, and helps you achieve that.
Keep on truckin' Jim..
Join the Cult of the Flying Pigxies - I'm A Believer! |
| TarTar |
Posted - 06/25/2004 : 00:03:24
Where in Michigan would he be? I'm in Michigan.
"You gotta watch the mota, Thurston. Yr fuckin memory just goes out the window." |
| ProverbialCereal |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 23:15:39
I myself have been absent on this board for the most part and even I noticed you weren't around. I assumed it was the t-shirt thing too.
I hope you feel better, man.
Just quit a cult / going through withdrawal |
| glacial906 |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 22:54:37
El Barto, (Jim) please at least make a post to let everyone know that you're okay? |
| Little Black Francis |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 21:12:10
Barticus, dude, I feel you. I've been in your shoes. Life is like that, like a sine wave.
I remember only a month ago crying tears of laughter at your posts man.
We all love you here man, stay. If you really hate yourself, you'd make yourself endure the pain and suffering the rest of deal with.
Suicide is disgusting, I've had the to my head...
3 days ago I found a reason to live man, and I hadn't had one in years.
One day you're on top of the world, and then you crash. It happens to all of us.
You'lll snap out of it.
I'm glad you told us how you feel. You're a sigificant part of my forum social life man, we all form like voltron, we need you.
Just hang on. As bad as it may seem, tomorrow you might be on top of the world.
There is nothing anyone can say or do to change your decisions and volition, but don't ever think you will go unnoticed, or any of us who have shared forum life could ever forget you.
I was trying to make this the short and sweet responce but it hasn't quite worked out.
All in all, you wrote something that I felt many times. Just goes to show, we're all just humans.
And please don't commit suicde dude, then I'll have to preface my shitty cover of BoneMachine by a sad story...
anyway, I hope one of us has made you feel a little better.
If ever you need, please call... |
| GypsyDeath |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:52:54
James, Im not going to sleepuntilyou phone. Ive figured youre in michigan since peakign to megan. So i am hoping that what has happened is youve gone out with your parents, and left your cell at home. I wont call your sister unless I dont hear anything in the next 24 hours.
I bet you never thought your movie would turn out this way
You crossed the other way, youd hope i wouldnt see you, you say youre doing fine, but thats not what it looks like, your undercovers on...
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| rockmusic84 |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:52:22
ElBarto, I've been depressed before. In fact, I still am. But I try not to think about it. It seems as though you're a guy that thinks about what is to come. I used to be that way too. And that was half of my problem. It seems a lot of people think like this anymore. It's very scary. What I learned, is that you have to live for NOW. Not tommorow, next week, or next month. NOW. We're here now. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow. We're not guaranteed the next second, let alone the next day, week, month or year. I'm just living right now. We can't look towards a future, because we aren't sure if one exists. That's what makes life scary, frustrating, and at times, overwhelming.
Another thing you said is that you hate your job (I can empathize with this, I used to work at a Best Buy). When I'm at work, I just do what I have to do, make as little contact with the boss or people I don't get on so great with as possible, sign the time sheet, and go home. And don't take your work home with you. As soon as you leave for the day, turn that "Best Buy" switch off. You're on your time now. Don't worry about your supervisor breaking your balls because you didn't sell that Netflix, or sell those service plans, or meet sales goals. It's in the past. Don't get hung up on it. What they pay you isn't worth you time, let alone your sanity. And it's certainly not worth your life. You work for a paycheck, not a pain in the neck.
As far as being bored and uninterested in life in general, just try to think of things and/or do things that make you happy. Like music for instance. That's why we're all here. To celebrate music by a man and bands that we love and admire. If you're feeling down, put on a Frank album you like. Or a Pixies album. And it doesn't have to be happy, cheery music, just music that makes YOU happy. Lou Reed's music is generally seen as dark and depressing, but his albums have lifted my spirits on many occassions.
I don't know you, ElBarto, but I wish I could talk to you, man to man. When I hear people I know saying they are unfulfilled with life and are contemplating the end, it upsets me greatly, because while you feel there may be nothing left for you in life, there are others who need you. Friends, family, co-workers. Even if they didn't miss you if you died, their lives would be different, and maybe more difficult without you. So in a way, in killing yourself, you are killing the souls of those you have touched with your life. Think of all the people whom you've encountered. Some were insignificant, but some were great. And even the insignificant ones played important roles in your life.
And even though I've never met you, I'd miss you. It would be one less person available to talk to about Frank/The Pixies. Barely anyone I know knows about them. That's why I love this forum. The people here are nice (and at times, VERY FUNNY), and we talk about many things other than Frank/The Pixies, and in great detail. I also get the feeling that people on this site are very smart, judging by the depth of the conversations. It's nice to be able to talk with people on the same wavelength as you, even if you never meet them face to face.
So ElBarto, please reconsider. Life's bad, but not that bad. And brooding in your own problems will only make it worse. I think I speak for everyone on the forum when I say we want you around.
And if I may quote Red Green:
"Remember, I'm pullin' for ya'. We're all in this together."
Chris.
Join The Cult of U-MASS - IT'S EDUCATIONAL!!! |
| shineoftheever |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:41:19
Yeah dude, suicide sucks. It totally fucks the people who love you the most up.
"Here today, Guano tomorrow" |
| Brackish |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:24:23
El Barto,
I hardly ever post here and even I noticed your absence. When someone needs help, a "cry for help" is the best thing they can do. I've been there, believe me, I am 10 years your senior. You may not like my advice, but here it is. Go to the oldest, most beautiful church in your town (NOT during any service). Sit quietly for one hour, or as long as you want. You needn't think about life or death or God. Just sit and open your heart and mind to whatever energy comes to you.
Please post a reply, these FB.net people are worried about you. (me included) |
| GypsyDeath |
Posted - 06/24/2004 : 16:19:11
Youare such a beautifukl and intelligent, and funny guy. You make people laugh - you have me in hysterics. Thats one fo the things you love doing. I really thought when you started doing stand up, and getting more confident, and soicalising more...maybe even meet an (available) girl along the way - i really thought everything would come together for you...
But i should have known, or more, i should have let myself see that your depression was far more deeply seated than that, and these little things werent going to help.
This is something, that in all honesty, you should have sort help for a long, long time ago.
Im sitting here not even being able to see the screen, through my tears. The thought that the world would never experience, or be let to see what a talented, brilliant, guy you are - would never be able to see how youlook at the world...is such a tragic thought. Its not your time yet. Its not your time for suck sake.
The way you see things...Is so amazing, you se ebeauty in things others in thsi day and age ignore - remember the ducks, darling?
Its not your time, you havent seen enough. The world hasnt seen you. You could do so many great things. And i know this sounds like the bull people say when they try and make you feel better, but I MEAN it. I knwo you better than any one on here I would imagine, and i nwo what your capable of.
Maybe thats what is scaring me so much.
As people ahve said, you need to seek real help for this. Dont give up just yet. Youre much stronger than that.
I care about you, and so do alot of other people. Its a horrible thing to say, but how will your mother feel? your sisters? jeremy? Everyone? What about Buddy? He will know.
And, yeah, Do you really respect Kurt that much? Do you think he did the right thing? Could you hurt that many people? Ofcourse, your hapiness comes first, but at the same time, these are people who you care about. People that would be devestated to not have you around. Youre not that selfish James.
I know ive said it before, but just try getting help, and see where the comedy thing goes. Get a band together, go back to school. Stay in PA. all theselittle thingswill make a difference, ya know.
James, please call me. please please please fucking call me,. NOmatter what time, call me.
I love you, always will. I never deserved to ahve someone like you come in to my life. Youre too good for me, and always were. call me.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I bet you never thought your movie would turn out this way
You crossed the other way, youd hope i wouldnt see you, you say youre doing fine, but thats not what it looks like, your undercovers on...
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