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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
 Posted - 09/08/2004 : 13:46:58
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It's a man thing!
>
> 1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands,
open
> it
> effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
> men's
> work.
>
> 2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to
kids
> makes
> you the man.
>
> 3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Rubbish . A Stuart
> Pearce
> tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
> crippling the man. Magic.
>
> 4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - "Blunt, is it? Hand it here
> love.
> No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle."
>
> 5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and -
as
> you
> thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
> noisy
> destruction.
>
> 6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat
> on
> and
> downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
> the
> door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to
> catch
> up with you. God, you're hard.
>
> 7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
>
> 8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an
iron
> burn
> on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
>
> 9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying
> they
> just
> whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
> sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
>
> 10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
> share
> the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but
> someone's got to keep the little shites in line".
>
> 11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely
> handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
>
> 12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
> Becks,
> I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
>
> 13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE ... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
> you're
> popular, it just means your mates are p1ssed . However, the rest of the
> pub
> doesn't know that.
>
> 14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
> Brilliant.
> Pass the pork scratchings.
>
> 15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
> blokes
> and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now
your
> Dad.
>
> 16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
>
> 17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
> with
> mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
> then,
> we'll make do with the aisles.
>
> 18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
plumber
> later
> but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better
> is
> peeling notes off the roll later.
>
> 19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
> straight
> to
> the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See
> ya."
>
> 20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
> that?
> No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you
the
> worlds best driver.
>
> 21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in
> the
> fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
> silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
> the
> other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
>
> 22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't
> make
> a
> fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
>
> 23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
> mad?"
>
> 24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
> right,
> I'm
> going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
>
> 25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
> man's
> way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
> hospital".
_________________________________________________________
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right
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It's A Man Thing!
So, I finally got my X-Wing
