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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
 Posted - 03/25/2004 : 12:03:33
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OK this is for the British lads amongst us. I got an email today which brought back so many memories of school, I fell about laughing. I am sure that even if you didn't play football at school, you will still have memories stirred. I just wanted to share it with those who might appreciate it and wondered how much of it was true for you.
I am sure the below will bring back many memories of the days when world
cups, FA
Cups, European Cups were won at playtimes!!
PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and
lunchtime.
Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and
although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may
continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of
the
participants.
There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as
the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the
time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's
and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those
who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them,
known as "nutters".
It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs,
chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained
period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell
onslaught of five nutters against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is
in
the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.
PARAMETERS The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt
piles
of jackets, in lieu of goalposts.
These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the
number of participants and the prevailing weather.
It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out
across
the goal mouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the
post" and is thus disallowed.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is
observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of
the keeper.
The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards
etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go
before the pursuing defender gives up.
At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players
eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which
the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
TACTICS
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from
e.g.
4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually ore rigid in sticking
to
the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.
STOPPAGES
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely,
with
play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or
more likely been pushed - over.
Other stoppages :
1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument
to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale
the
drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play.
Disputes
usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others
he
claims it may have struck before is appearing into forbidden territory.
2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal
the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves,
occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.
Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick
restart.
3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or
local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of
failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn >how to
play with it properly".
CELEBRATION
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their
hands
in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his
knees and make the sign of the cross.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually
eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a
full-size
pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the
more magnanimous of the opponents.
However, a tap-in in the midst >of a chaotic scramble will be heralded
with
the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing
goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.
Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into
the
goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.
Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are
already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.
PENALTIES
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will
defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a hat trick.
In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may
defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is >comfortably in front, the
ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.
CLOSE SEASON
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly
in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly;
pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an
hour
and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to
watch.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2004 : 14:41:48
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Its so true! 100% accurate...
The only thing missing was rules for goalies, as follows
There are three types of restrictions for goalies, decided before the beginning of the match.
STICK: Stick goalies are not allowed outside the 'area' (most usually formed by the netball 'D'), although handling the ball is permitted within this area.
RUSH: Rush goalies are what are most commonly found in professional football. That is, goalies are allowed free reign of the whole pitch, but can only handle the ball inside their box (the 'D'). Allows Chilavert/Zubizareta/Schmeichel/Grobelaar-esque runs and dramatic last minute winners.
MONKEY RUSH: Although only permitted in special circumstances (i.e. 'poof' in goal), monkey rush is a novel extension of the usual role of goalie, in that the keeper can handle the ball anywhere on the pitch. Not commonly used, due to vast amount of blatant cheating involved.
You also missed out the ref (the teacher who will only come out of his room if ball hits his window (yellow card), or breaks said window (red card)).
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2004 : 15:15:02
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We call 'Rush', 'Fly'. And we don't have a 'Monkey Rush'. Or indeed, for that matter, a 'Monkey Fly'. That must have just been down south.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2004 : 15:18:50
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It was very rare, but a bit of a giggle...
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Stuart
- The Clopser -
China
2291 Posts |
Posted - 03/25/2004 : 17:12:57
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Thats fucking brilliant, but missed out the fact that instead of playing with a football we'd kick around a tennis ball.
Who's the man that won't cop out when there's danger all about? |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2004 : 01:01:25
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Excellent!
Denis
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andyn
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
169 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2004 : 03:42:36
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Brilliant stuff HPM. It's also worth pointing out, following Stuart's point that there is a definite heirarchy in ball usage.
1. The "caser" - leather football with stitched panels and inflatable rubber lining. Ownership of a caser will entitle even a "poof" with no discernible footballing ability a place in one of the sides. Casers are played literally to destruction, which usually occurs after the stitching gives way and the lining balloons through like a tumour.
2. The "plazzie" - if no caser is available (or if the "poof" who owns it isn't allowed out by his mum) a plazzie, or plastic ball must be used. Their chief disadvantage is that they veer off course almost immediately after being struck, and are practically unusable in high winds. They are invariably punctured in bushes or under passing cars.
3. Tennis balls - popular, although headed goals tend to become rarer owing to the difficulty in getting tennis balls off the ground and fear of facial injury. They also split when stood on.
4. Infant's play ball - when nothing else is available, these brightly-coloured spheres, usually illustrated with teddy bears or nursery-rhyme characters will just about do. They are always hoofed out of sight if some tough lads walk past and lost. |
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ispini tapaidh
- FB Fan -
Ireland
122 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2004 : 04:31:24
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Marvellous stuff!
We had one slightly different rule for the keepers though:
LAST MAN BACK: basically, the player on the defending team closest to the line becomes the keeper. This, as you can imagine, led to massive arguments. Effectively the keeper could change several times in the space of a few seconds. Was usually used when playing with smaller teams, and given as a slight advantage to the team with fewer players.
And there's the 'next-goal-the-winner' rule - you could dominate a team all poxy day long, only for this rule to be invoked, and then lose to a freak goal by a 'poof'. |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2004 : 15:13:28
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quote:
Originally posted by ispini tapaidh
Marvellous stuff!
We had one slightly different rule for the keepers though:
LAST MAN BACK: basically, the player on the defending team closest to the line becomes the keeper. This, as you can imagine, led to massive arguments. Effectively the keeper could change several times in the space of a few seconds. Was usually used when playing with smaller teams, and given as a slight advantage to the team with fewer players.
And there's the 'next-goal-the-winner' rule - you could dominate a team all poxy day long, only for this rule to be invoked, and then lose to a freak goal by a 'poof'.
Yeah we called it nearest to net. Good fun. The 'next goal winner' rule annoyed me when we were winning. It was invented for draws but kids would invoke it no matter what the bloomin' score was. How cool is it though that FIFA got their 'Golden Goal' rule (soon to be gotten rid of) from kids in the playground). 
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2004 : 15:14:24
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quote:
Originally posted by Stuart
Thats fucking brilliant, but missed out the fact that instead of playing with a football we'd kick around a tennis ball.
Who's the man that won't cop out when there's danger all about?
WOW!!! Even the Chinese did this?!?!?! 
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2004 : 15:20:53
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quote:
Originally posted by andyn
Brilliant stuff HPM. It's also worth pointing out, following Stuart's point that there is a definite heirarchy in ball usage.
1. The "caser" - leather football with stitched panels and inflatable rubber lining. Ownership of a caser will entitle even a "poof" with no discernible footballing ability a place in one of the sides. Casers are played literally to destruction, which usually occurs after the stitching gives way and the lining balloons through like a tumour.
2. The "plazzie" - if no caser is available (or if the "poof" who owns it isn't allowed out by his mum) a plazzie, or plastic ball must be used. Their chief disadvantage is that they veer off course almost immediately after being struck, and are practically unusable in high winds. They are invariably punctured in bushes or under passing cars.
3. Tennis balls - popular, although headed goals tend to become rarer owing to the difficulty in getting tennis balls off the ground and fear of facial injury. They also split when stood on.
4. Infant's play ball - when nothing else is available, these brightly-coloured spheres, usually illustrated with teddy bears or nursery-rhyme characters will just about do. They are always hoofed out of sight if some tough lads walk past and lost.
Yeah these are very good points. Although we called casers, cassies. We also called plazzies, fly aways. The funny thing about cassies (or casers) was when they split like you said. When the inner rubber balloon came out, it would look like a little snowman (except not white) and the kids would chase it around with great enthusiasm, desperately trying to be the first to pop it. The funniest thing though was that the ball would veer off in all sorts of crazy directions (a bit like 'Impossiballs' - remember them?) due to it's new shape, so the kids would really struggle to keep up with it. Just thinking about this now makes me cry with laughter. Kids are so funny sometimes. Well they used to be before they started to mug adults!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2004 : 15:56:24
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Did you ever have Headers and Volleys? i.e. when no-one could be bothered to pick a team, you'd team up with a partner and try to score using only a header or volley, hence the name. If you scored with anything else, you had to go in goal.
Also worth a mention, RIP all the ripped shirts gained from rolling sideways under a pulled up piece of wire fencing to go and get the ball from some other part of school.
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/26/2004 : 16:30:35
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Good mentions (is that good English, I don't think so).
We did indeed play 'Headers And Volleys', and '60 Seconds' and 'Minuses', and 'One Man Wembley', and 'Two Man Wembley'. 
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Adnan_le_Terrible
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1973 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2004 : 15:02:31
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Well, I don't see why this thread should only be for the British lads. Of course, we do not play cricket, on the continent.
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2004 : 15:07:26
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quote:
Originally posted by Adnan_le_Terrible
Well, I don't see why this thread should only be for the British lads. Of course, we do not play cricket, on the continent.
That's cos you're wrong. Simple. Course, I'm in no position to talk now, as Brian Lara appears to be unleashing all sorts of hell on England. He got 400 in the Windies first innings, and they declared at 751, fact fans. Thats two test records right there.
We won the series though, so ner.
Adnan, way to go on the speedy thread revival... Nice to see Terry Enry back on fire at the weekend as well.
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Adnan_le_Terrible
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1973 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2004 : 15:11:44
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Terry Enry?...oh my ghodd!
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2004 : 15:41:12
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hahaha! I know im not an english 'lad', but i did play football when i was younger (do not ask why, i dont know)
The arguements that pursued over whatevers 'poofs' ball it was and all the things that entailed from this already made me laugh.
Also, in secondary school more so, (i did not play football then) it seemed to be some sort of competion as to who could actually make their uniforms the messiest. crazy.
/And also the giving the poofs dead legs if they were winning by hte nutters. fantastic. haha.
As a girl, in later years, i always remember all my friends wanting to sit around the 'pitch'to watch the guys played. When I was younmger, myself and myfriend actually took up 'sewing class'as the window looked over the pitch, and it was on the days when there was football.
I remember guys always trying to convince the chicks to be goal posts too, which i often found VERY amusing. hehehehe
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement? |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2004 : 15:47:30
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Mel, this probably isn't the place to tell you this, but you ought to know: Jim just asked me to finger him. I'm sorry, but its true. I'm fiddling with this new fangled chat thingummy, and he just came up and asked me. I thought you should know the kind of person you were getting to know...
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2004 : 15:57:14
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I stand corrected, he was just baffling me with some archaic geek-speak, some of which is more worrying still. Be afraid...
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Stuart
- The Clopser -
China
2291 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2004 : 16:46:31
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quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
quote:
Originally posted by Stuart
Thats fucking brilliant, but missed out the fact that instead of playing with a football we'd kick around a tennis ball.
Who's the man that won't cop out when there's danger all about?
WOW!!! Even the Chinese did this?!?!?!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!!
Not sure about that mate.
Has anyone mentionned that legendary game Wembley... or Wembley Doubles??
I used to love the bad feeling that would spill over to class after lunchtime as a result of a troublesome game of playground football. In fact every so often the teacher in class would have to get involved to spit up a squabble on the carpet between two rival members of the teams.
'I'm the Daddy Now!' - Prison Daddy of Beijing Peoples State Penitentiary |
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bumblebeeboy2
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2638 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 02:44:55
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you had *2* playtimes and a lunch break?!?! bloody hell!
The Shrine of the Sea Monkey!
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 04:47:07
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haha! youve been done over, simon. HAhahahah!!!!!!!!
By the way,. happy 1000 posts. Even though i got there before you.
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement? |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 10:54:03
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Get a life the both of you. Heh heh, rich coming from me.
I knew they were stingy up north, you only got one break as a kid? harsh.
I know what you mean about bad feeling spilling into the classroom. the only time we ever rushed in from break was when one team had just scored a highly dubious winner on the bell: possibly the intention was that, whichever version of the final score got told to the teacher first was declared definitive. This rarely worked.
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 11:12:43
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'Cos I was a smart kid, I soon realised that the place to be was right in front of the goal. The teams were so large that it was pointless being anywhere else 'cos there were too many players to get past. I used so score so many goals from simply goal-hanging. I was like the Gary Lineker or Ian Rush of school football.
"And Churchouse scores his 9th of the game. Quite remarkable!!!"
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 11:13:24
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'Cos I was a smart kid, I soon realised that the place to be was right in front of the goal. The teams were so large that it was pointless being anywhere else 'cos there were too many players to get past. I used so score so many goals from simply goal-hanging. I was like the Gary Lineker or Ian Rush of school football.
"And Churchouse scores his 9th of the game!!! Quite remarkable!!!"
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
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Newo
~ Abstract Brain ~
Spain
2674 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 11:17:04
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We called it Wembley and Wembley Doubles too, possibly the result of the lack of a passable soccer stadium in Ireland.
Did you lot have Murderball too? It took over when the soccer scores got ridiculously onesided and the rules were you had to try and keep the ball, even with your hands, while everybody else delivered kicks, thumps, Chinese burns and pile-ons.
--
"You one of those right-wing nut outfits?" inquired the diplomatic Metzger.
Fallopian twinkled. "They accuse us of being paranoids."
"They?" inquired Metzger, twinkling also.
"Us?" asked Oedipa.
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 14:30:06
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Ah yes, but the name Murderball, and the concept of 'pile-ons', gets all the more worrying when 'Chunk' is playing - trust me...
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 14:32:21
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wow, that sounds a bit..er..like something i didnt want to be in.
talling of murder related named games, do you ever play Killer on the pool table?
its when every one puts some money in, and they all get like, 3 lifes, the names get put on the board, and you get one shot each, you lose a life every time you dont pot a ball, and then the last oine with a life wins, obviously. anmd they get all the money. very amusing game when youre the only girl and you win.
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement? |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 14:53:01
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The only 'killing' related game we played at school was dodgeball against the PE shed. And maybe the cross-country...
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bumblebeeboy2
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2638 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 15:06:06
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about the breaks... yeah we had one at (from memory) 10:30, 20 mins... then at 12:40 we had a 50 minute lunch break. no afternoon break.
The Shrine of the Sea Monkey!
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bumblebeeboy2
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2638 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 15:10:35
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quote:
Originally posted by Newo
We called it Wembley and Wembley Doubles too, possibly the result of the lack of a passable soccer stadium in Ireland.
we played 'wembley' and 'wembley doubles' too... wembley was every man for himself, with 1 keeper... doubles obviously was teams of 2...
The Shrine of the Sea Monkey!
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 15:27:36
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but what timedidyou finish school?
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement? |
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bumblebeeboy2
> Teenager of the Year <
United Kingdom
2638 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 15:31:43
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3:10pm i think. started at 8:45 or 8:50...
The Shrine of the Sea Monkey!
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 16:06:36
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we finished a little later, i think
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement? |
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Newo
~ Abstract Brain ~
Spain
2674 Posts |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 17:08:08
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Murderball, though interesting to watch, wasn't my thing either - a school day without an aneurysm is not to be sniffed at. In 5th class some spirit of gungho overtook the school and they started making gaelic football compulsory for boys at lunch but myself and a friend usually managed to get out of it by going Gandhi on the pitch.
--
"You one of those right-wing nut outfits?" inquired the diplomatic Metzger.
Fallopian twinkled. "They accuse us of being paranoids."
"They?" inquired Metzger, twinkling also.
"Us?" asked Oedipa.
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Jumpers For Goalposts!!!
