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El Barto
= Song DB Master =
USA
4020 Posts |
 Posted - 03/09/2005 : 20:58:26
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So I met this amazing girl...her name is Nikki. I'm totally retarded for her. She's amazing...a gorgeous being both inside and out. I'll cut all the mushy stuff and get to the point. She's had 2 relationships in the past, both pretty shitty, and is afraid of relationships cause she's afraid of being hurt. She's convinced that she'll always be hurt. This is based on both previous relationships and while growing up.
When it comes to matters of love, I'm very intense, and it tends to come off as pushy. I love making nice comments all the time and writing little stupid mushy shit. I'm just afraid of losing the person to someone else. I'm horrible at reading signals. I know that if I'm too pressuring for a relationship, I'll turn her off and push her away. How do I work around this? What should I do? I'm going insane!
I guess I just wasn't made for these times. |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 03/09/2005 : 21:06:31
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you need to find that perfect combination of acting like you don't like her very much, but also making her feel special. follow my advice and you can have any girl you want.
wait, i'm single..
don't listen to me.
seriously, try to mellow out with that. there's no better way to turn someone off (at least at the very beginning of a relationship) then by getting too intense and overbearing. it doesn't come across as "pushy," it comes across as "needy" and desperate. which most girls don't go for.
(but, again, i feel highly unqualified at this time to be giving women advice)
ist es möglich für ein quesadilla skrotum zu lecken? beim sprechen der quesadillas von LBF, ja. ja in der tatheheheheheheehehee! |
Edited by - floop on 03/09/2005 21:09:42 |
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whoreatthedoor
> Teenager of the Year <
Spain
2873 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 00:42:07
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I need the same advice here.
The violet, the lily and the pink but those I refused all three |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 00:53:55
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So, wait, are you with her, or not? Its not clear from your post (or maybe it is, its the morning, im tired).
I think Floops right, you need to fnd the medium between being all over them and them consuming your every moment, to giving her space. Especially at the beginning. You need to just show her a little of what you are capable of, and how you can make her feel. Just a little, like rather than complimenting her everyday, say it when you can see shes made an effort - it does actually mean more that way.
When you want to say something mushy or romantic to her, save it, write it down, and keep doing that until you have a whole load of stuff, that you could easily put in to a poem or something.
By just showing her a little of all of these things, then you get her wanting more. At the same time, still go out with your friends and stuff with out her. Turn your phone off sometimes, when you know she is gonna call, and turn it on an hour latter. It will drive her crazy to think yure doing something which doesnt involve her.
A good friend of mine put it perfectly when he said ' what a girl wants is a guy who coud be standing across the room, with girls flirting with him, but she has no need to worry about, cos she knows he is totally hers'
anyway, hope all that helps. Also, dont do anything stupid! 
Please support the petition for a Carter USM DVD. Download, print and sign a petition form from http://ambernet.no-ip.org/petition.doc |
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n/a
deleted
4109 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 01:02:07
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I only think that you should follow your fellings, and do what you feel like to do. You must be honest and sincere, if you think a lot about your actions and if you repress what you feel like to do, then it might not work.
Follow your heart, he always knows what's right.
But that's just my opinion.
If you want something don't ask for nothing
if you want nothing don't ask for something! |
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 01:16:22
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hola El Barto, como estas? tu bein ver...
Whatever you do, don't suggest she check out this site. =)
Seriously though, I'm in a similar (inferior) boat as Floop is, being single and all...
And as mel said, your post is a little bit unclear as to where the two of you stand...
The part about her having seriously bad relationships in the past is kinds of freaky...
She needs to address those problems and overcome them, if you get tangled up in her inability to cope with her past, you're both screwed... i've got experience with molestation and rape victims, very difficult situation, sometimes impossible to deal with ...
I share your feelings about sometimes being overly agressive because you want to make sure that you've made it abundantly clear that you're interested so as to not lose something you could have had, but that shit gets really complicated with the smothering factor and all...
With all that said, do your thing, that's what I say. Let her know you like her, but don't let that be the focus of everything. Make sure to make yourself laugh and have a good time before you let that depend on another person... easier said than done
i hope it works out for you and i expect progress reports, whatever they may be =)
Floops quesedillas zijn te vergelijken met het likken van fatsige Albert's aars nadat hij een fles laxeermiddel heeft leeggedronken. |
Edited by - Little Black Francis on 03/10/2005 01:20:31 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 03:33:16
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I am exactly the same as you Jim, and it has cost me in potential relationships in the past. Despite getting hurt, I would still do things the same. You can only be honest with yourself, there is no point in pretending to be someone you are not. I fucking hate the games that people play in relationships, if you can't be honest with each other then what is the point? If she can't accept your honesty then she is not worth being with, that's my opinion and I'm sticking to it for life. Repressing your emotions is a dangerous thing to do sometimes, you'll regret it in the end. They'll come a time one day when you wish you had told someone how much you liked/loved them more often.
Man this makes me wish I was back there again.
Basically I agree with rita on this one. |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 08:16:50
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I think i was unclear in my post...im not saying Jim should repress who he really is - far from it. But im saing at the beginning of the relationship/while you're dating or whtever you are doing, I would sort of try, as hard as it may be, not to be as full on as you can be. Sort of give her a taster (ok, no sick comments...) of what you're like.
Sort of feeling around what youre stepping in to before getting in to it.
Having said this, I however have been in situations like this girl (hmm, in fact, it was exactly the same...) And sometimes, when youve been through all that crap, and even when you are so sure, that no matter WHAT you are going to get hurt, like theres a big neon sign across your forehead saying 'hurt me', sometimes, a really nice guy can be the world of good. And youre nothing but a really nice guy, just sometimes it could come as too much of a shock...My immediate thoughts would be 'whats he hiding'.
I know you like helping people and supporting them to make them happy, And youre very good at it. But dont let it get in to a situation where she only wants you as a shoulder to cry on...and everything else involved in a relationship just becomes an extra. Its gotta be the other way round.
But obviously, and im sure you are already aware of this, but if you do end up/are already in a relationship with her, dont go and hurt her...which may cause you extra stress...it will be so important that you dont let her down, it cold consume your life. So you know, dont go and sleep with your ex or anything like that.
Please support the petition for a Carter USM DVD. Download, print and sign a petition form from http://ambernet.no-ip.org/petition.doc |
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Carolynanna
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Canada
6556 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 08:29:53
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quote:
Originally posted by floop
seriously, try to mellow out with that. there's no better way to turn someone off (at least at the very beginning of a relationship) then by getting too intense and overbearing. it doesn't come across as "pushy," it comes across as "needy" and desperate. which most girls don't go for.
That's true, it depends on if it comes across with a hint of confidence or a hint of desperation.
__________
Godfather of nothing, ancesters of none.
Black glasses and feedback took my sense of fun.
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 08:32:02
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I guess there is a difference between being happy for the relationship, and being a bit too like youre needing this relationship - and its the best you could ever do, and stuff.
Im tired, ignore me
Please support the petition for a Carter USM DVD. Download, print and sign a petition form from http://ambernet.no-ip.org/petition.doc |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 09:01:59
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Cheesy line alert:
You ready?
"Follow your heart"
Alternatively:
"Use the force Jim" |
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n/a
deleted
4109 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 09:24:03
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I know that's cheesy, but I think that's what works when your love is true. You know what I mean, don't you?
If you want something don't ask for nothing
if you want nothing don't ask for something! |
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Carolynanna
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Canada
6556 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 09:24:52
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Plus how much do really know a gal in the beginning?
If you smother her right off the bat then she might end up feeling less special or see you as more pathetic because it would seem like you would treat any girl that even though you hardly know her.
__________
Godfather of nothing, ancesters of none.
Black glasses and feedback took my sense of fun.
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Edited by - Carolynanna on 03/10/2005 09:35:59 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 09:30:09
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| I tell you what there's no pleasing women, I know that much. |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 10:16:58
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"i think Floop is right" - Gypsydeath, March 2005
ist es möglich für ein quesadilla skrotum zu lecken? beim sprechen der quesadillas von LBF, ja. ja in der tatheheheheheheehehee! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 10:42:16
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| You can tell she doesn't come by here much anymore. |
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Frog in the Sand
-+ Le premiere frog +-
France
2715 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 10:52:10
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| Trust her. Trust yourself. Give her some time. Let her come to you. |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 10:57:03
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You're getting some good advice here, Jim. Just relax and have
fun and only be responsible for your own feelings; her stuff's her stuff, let her deal with it and with her past. You cannot fix her, you can only be yourself. And, apparently, I can only spout cliches here, but what I'm trying to say is to just be yourself and have fun.
And don't try so damned hard.
Frog is right. Let the fish swim to the boat.
Now, Xavi, what on earth do you need in this department?
 I still believe in the excellent joy of the Catholics |
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whoreatthedoor
> Teenager of the Year <
Spain
2873 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 11:55:14
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It's all about the same girl. I can't help it, but I'm always around her with the most stupid excuses. I don't want to annoy her, but at the same time I don't want her to go away.
So this is basically the same problem as Jim.
The violet, the lily and the pink but those I refused all three |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 16:27:29
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quote:
Turn your phone off sometimes, when you know she is gonna call, and turn it on an hour latter. It will drive her crazy to think yure doing something which doesnt involve her.
Now, I'm probably the last person who should be giving relationship advice. I mean, the only relationship I've been in has been successful, but I did do quite a bit wrong at the beginning. Anyway, I agree that not coming on too strong is a good idea, but this particular bit of advice seems to be too much into "playing games" territory. I don't think trying not to come on too strong needs to involve ignoring the other person outright. Then again, what do I know?
"Reunion? Shit union!" |
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starmekitten
-= Forum Pistolera =-
United Kingdom
6370 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 16:47:19
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playing games and making little plans, over analysis and modified behaviour will kill relationships or forge partnerships that were never meant to happen in the first place.
if it's going to work, and is meant to work it will happen not because you change the way you inherantly are but because the other person sees and accepts this.
if she's not ready for a relationship even the cleverest little tricks and a complete ideal personality overhaul won't make her ready you really can't make someone want to be with you, it just doesn't work like that
everyone makes mistakes and the good part about good couplings is the learning from it and moving on
and as for playing games, no no no, thats not a relationship thats a messy divorce ten years down the line that is
i mean these things are awkward and complex and painful and as shitty as it is, it's part of the beauty of the whole process, it's not something you can force
just ride it
 cats have nine lives/ which makes them ideal for experimentation |
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apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 16:50:33
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Games suck. Be real. Be respectful and have fun and hopefully you'll become good friends and then more and then go to town, tiger.
In my humble opinion.
"comparing Interpol to Joy Division is like comparing a turd floating in a bathtub to a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier crossing the Atlantic. just one guy's opinion." |
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kathryn
~ Selkie Bride ~
Belgium
15320 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 17:09:59
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NO games! NO GAMES! Be yourself. Have fun. Relaaaaaaaaaax!
Same for you, Whore.
I still believe in the excellent joy of the Catholics |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 17:41:20
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No games? Not even Parcheesi?
"Reunion? Shit union!" |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 17:57:49
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quote:
Originally posted by starmekitten
just ride it
this advice has many layers. (and i agree)
ist es möglich für ein quesadilla skrotum zu lecken? beim sprechen der quesadillas von LBF, ja. ja in der tatheheheheheheehehee! |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 18:18:02
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if you think you are being too pushy, stop being too pushy. if she thinks you're being too pushy, talk about it. hate to say it, but she may be laying groundwork for the break-up, it is entirely possible she is doing this subconsciously because of her past relationships or doing it intentionally because she just doesn't want to be in a relationship. you are young jim, enjoy the ride, regret nothing, be yourself, and if she doesn't love you for who you are, it wasn't meant to be. peace out. ;)
 You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2005 : 03:12:24
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| See, the girls agree with me. |
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2005 : 04:58:47
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quote:
Originally posted by floop
"i think Floop is right" - Gypsydeath, March 2005
Oh god, Youll never gonna let that one go are you!!
One thing, one thing i sort of agreed with you on.
However, I am the one whos right about Wilco.
Please support the petition for a Carter USM DVD. Download, print and sign a petition form from http://ambernet.no-ip.org/petition.doc |
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El Barto
= Song DB Master =
USA
4020 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2005 : 21:52:17
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Thanks for the advice guys...I'll let you all know how things progress. We're not together just yet. I'm sure it'll just take some time for her to realize that I really am sincere and not a shmuck like the other guys she has dated. I just take it personally that she's afraid of a relationship...as if it's me. Is this a stupid worry?
I guess I just wasn't made for these times. |
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shineoftheever
> Teenager of the Year <
Canada
4307 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2005 : 01:16:48
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men - mars, women - not even this fucking galaxy. i know i'll never figure it out and i do ok so i don't worry about any relationship stuff, but i'm 32 and single so........probably not a good role model.
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap! |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2005 : 03:28:04
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| Yeah I wouldn't worry about that Jim, if she's been hurt before then it's a perfectly natural reaction. Just so long as she doesn't fell like that for a long time after you are in a relationship together. |
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starmekitten
-= Forum Pistolera =-
United Kingdom
6370 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2005 : 06:11:09
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quote:
Originally posted by El Barto
I just take it personally that she's afraid of a relationship...as if it's me. Is this a stupid worry?
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
yes.
cats have nine lives/ which makes them ideal for experimentation |
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n/a
deleted
4109 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2005 : 12:59:58
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quote:
Originally posted by shineoftheever
men - mars, women - not even this fucking galaxy. i know i'll never figure it out and i do ok so i don't worry about any relationship stuff, but i'm 32 and single so........probably not a good role model.
You can go eat a decroded piece of crap!
So you're the same age as me...welcome shine, finnaly someone's 32 too!
If you want something don't ask for nothing
if you want nothing don't ask for something! |
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2005 : 15:01:59
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I don't think you'd want to date someone who isn't even from the same planet as you.
"Reunion? Shit union!" |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2005 : 19:18:47
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if you're not in a relationship yet and you're already feeling pushy it's probably not the best sign.
try not to ruin a potential relationship by being too pushy before it gets started (let it crumble apart naturally later on)
ist es möglich für ein quesadilla skrotum zu lecken? beim sprechen der quesadillas von LBF, ja. ja in der tatheheheheheheehehee! |
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SpudBoy
= Cult of Ray =
Equatorial Guinea
649 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2005 : 21:00:19
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Screw all this psychobabble - what you need is a litmus test. Does this woman have what it takes to hang with you long term? Find out! Show up for a date wearing a diaper over your shorts on a snowy day, and decorate your neck with a dead badger! Invite her mother to a swinger's club! Give her a lifesize cutout of Elton John painted over with impressionistic interpretations of cola brand logos and midgets! Don't hide your true self from her or it will never work.
"High fructose corn syrup: It makes the demons worse." - Wesley Willis |
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Topic |
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how to be less pushy to get a relationship?
