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Drop-In Centre
- FB Fan -
Bermuda
12 Posts |
 Posted - 10/04/2004 : 06:18:47
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Ok. I know I have not posted very much on here, I am more of a lurker than anything else, but I have something I need to get out of my system, and ask your opinions on.
I have recently become involved in a new relationship. I havent been in one for almost a year, and had pretty much resigned myself to the fact I never wanted to be in one again.
Then I met some one. He is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. Loves the same music, is generous, and kind, and loving, and well...we are very compatible in the bedroom.
BUT he is not the best looking guy in the world. This sounds so self conceited, but he is a good league or two below me in looks wise. I know that I am the best looking girl he could probably get. That sounds so horrible, but it is very true.
Now I have looked past all this, and his personality shines through. He has become attractive. Most of the time. But sometimes I find my self looking at his (very) good looking friends, and secretly wishing I could be with them. This makes me feel awful as he is completely besotted with me, and would do anything to make me happy, which I know his friends would not.
Has anyone else been in a relationship where they feel their partner is not in the 'same league'? Or have you gone out with any just because they are good looking?
Thoughts and opinions most welcome.
Puzzler? Ill give you Puzzler |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 07:54:50
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Hmmm... I don't know any advice can be given, it's about what's important to you. I went to highschool with a girl I was never attracted to in any way, and we kind of became friends in grade 12. As I got to know her more, we just clicked, and the fact was she was attractive to me even though now, after things have long soured, I can look and wonder how that happened. But while we were dating, she was very cool, fun, and intelligent, and as you say, her personality made her attractive.
I'd say it sounds more like you're concerned about what other people think of you than about what you want. So you're not dating some ultra-hot guy... chances are if he were, he'd either be:
a) a male slut
b) full of himself/an asshole
c) unavailable
I'm not saying take what you can get... if you're truly unhappy or are going to cheat on him down the road anyway, do yourselves both a favour and end it now. If you're more concerned about how it 'looks' to others or reflects on you, then your problem is probably more with your own confidence than his appearance.
Just my thoughts.
 "Join the Cult of Frank 2.0 / And you'll be enlightened (free for 1.x members)" |
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vilainde
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Niue
7443 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 08:03:29
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quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Of_Frank
So you're not dating some ultra-hot guy... chances are if he were, he'd either be:
a) a male slut
b) full of himself/an asshole
c) unavailable
Hey, that's funny... I'm unavailable, a male slut and an asshole. And I'm not even ultra-hot...
Denis
"I do feel sorry for people who don't collect records and obsess about music. Why? Because collecting, consuming and obsessing over music and records is very interesting. That's why." - Johan Kugelberg
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Scarla O
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
947 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 08:14:05
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My only advice to you is to be VERY careful - you might accidentally post under your real username ;)
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 08:27:29
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The girls I lived with were really mean about my ex and had a horrible nickname for him but I thought he was just lovely because he was a lovely bloke, so the handsomest in tre's eyes
I look like the kind of guy who pimps his sister not just for the money, but because he hates her
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Broken Face
-= Forum Pistolero =-
USA
5155 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 09:50:46
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if this guy is so compatable, stick with him. looks are different to everyone (for example, i find demi moore repulsive), but nice guys are nice guys. a guy who will do anything to make you happy will, in the long run, make you happier than someone who will make other girls jealous when you walk down the street with him. just my two cents
-brian
- "I joined the Cult of Frank / And they tried to cut off my nuts and make me put on a blue jumpsuit"
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 10:57:55
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Well, I would do some serious thinking... are you cheking out his friends because you are not ready for a committment or are you checking them out because he is not what you want in the looks department and you'll never be happy with the way he looks?
To be honest, one of my former defense mechanisms while single was to pick on one thing that I couldn't change about the guy and then blow it into a big deal... all because I feared comittment but didn't want to admit it.
I think you are right to think this is a red flag. Just be totally honest about the reason why you are doing this and figure it out. Do you want this relationship to become serious at one point or are you just killing time? If that's the case, you might miss out on the real person you are meant to be with.
Usually, in my opinion, it's uncommon to check other people out in the beginning of the relationship because you are so enthralled with them....If you do end up breaking up with this person, do it nicely. Not like you would do it, but I know that so many guys have turned into jerks after one girl hurts their feelings.
Maybe if you could feel comfortable enough, discuss with him your feelings and ask him what he thinks.
Good luck, follow your gut and let us know how it goes. |
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ShakeyShake
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1058 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 11:41:50
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Dump him and screw one or two of his sexy ass friends.It's what Jesus would do.
"I joined the Cult of this guy / 'cause they took my other picture away |
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Jason
* Dog in the Sand *
1446 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 12:07:10
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Men so often get accused of being shallow that it's refreshing to hear a female voice her shallowness.
Unwillingness to commit to a relationship presents a lot of problems for some of us. Even those of us who've come to accept this about ourselves, still have miserable experiences over it.
If you must dump the guy, at the very least, don't take up with any of his friends. This is just selfish and will make any pain he goes through much worse. There are good-looking guys everywhere who'd be more than happy to sleep with you and not care about you at all. Get together with one he doesn't know.
Also, don't cheat on him. End the relationship if you want to get together with someone else. Don't lie and sneak around. |
Edited by - Jason on 10/04/2004 12:15:18 |
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 12:50:29
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I think it's pretty bad to even think "I am the hottest girl this guy could ever get"
That is pretty bad, he should dump you for saying that.
Doesn't seem like you're in love with this guy, so I would break his heart just like every girl I ever cared about has done to me, and go ahead and fuck his hot freinds, because that's what always happens.
And hey, one of them might get you pregnant too.
Floops quesedillas zijn te vergelijken met het likken van fatsige Albert's aars nadat hij een fles laxeermiddel heeft leeggedronken. |
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Carolynanna
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Canada
6556 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 12:59:47
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Well at least she's trying to be honest here.
__________
"The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity,
and worship without sacrifice." |
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Little Black Francis
> Teenager of the Year <
3648 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 13:04:49
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so am I, I am the guy she's talking about, this has happened to me on several occassions, and yes, one of my ex's has a baby with my former best friend, and another ex is pregnant and married to another formerly close friend...
I don't think she should string this guy along, he seems like he doesn't deserve it.
And if she isn't happy with him, why string him along, to use up the last little bit of life and heart that he has offered?
Yeah, that seems like love to me.
Floops quesedillas zijn te vergelijken met het likken van fatsige Albert's aars nadat hij een fles laxeermiddel heeft leeggedronken. |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5454 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 13:11:15
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| Maybe he's telling his friends that he's the "smartest (or sweetest) guy you could probably get". |
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Daisy Girl
~ Abstract Brain ~
Belize
5305 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 14:27:27
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| Actually, I was really young and stupid... still in high school. My boyfriend was at college and his best friend totally seduced me. My boyfriend....and I had reason to beleive he was seeing people on the side, but never had any real proof. His "best friend" wrote me poetry... and all the sweet things I liked. It is one thing that I still feel bad about. It was very hard on my ex boyfriend. I wish I never would have gone there. Luckily, they ended up being friends but the friendship was over for both of them once my ex found out. Trust me, it's not worth dating one of the friends. |
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Domestiques
= Cult of Ray =
United Kingdom
503 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2004 : 22:19:57
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the advice his friends should be giving to him would be dont punch above your weight, he expects you to sleep with his friends, let him enjoy his time in the sun and then do it, you owe it to him. only kidding, stick with him there are more to life than looks you know, but not much more.
------------------------
“I want to be a star!” I cried
They said, “You’re overqualified.
Why don’t you learn to tune your damn guitar?” |
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see meant
- FB Fan -
13 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 02:07:27
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I gotta agree with LBF on this one. Get out before the poor schlep gets even more attached to you. It seems pretty clear to me that although he's such a sweetheart and has good taste in music that it aint there.
There's a reason what you say about his looks and being out of your league sound self-conceited ... because they are.
Sure, you've given him his dream, if that's the way you want to see it. He's dated the 'best looking girl he could probably get.' To be honest, hearing stuff like that, I wish I knew the guy so I could show him what you are saying about him.
Let it go.
And people wonder why I don't trust women. |
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remig
* Dog in the Sand *
France
1734 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 02:50:44
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"I know that I am the best looking girl he could probably get."
Ahahahah that's so funny, I almost fell out of my chair.
I wonder if it's a guy who wrote that. That's almost everything a sensitive, selfish, unconfident, acneic teenager wonders.
"He is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. Loves the same music, is generous, and kind, and loving, and well...we are very compatible in the bedroom." ==> I like good music, I'm generous, I'm sweet and I can masturbate for 40mn, I watched many porn videos, so I'm probably a good fuck.
"BUT he is not the best looking guy in the world. This sounds so self conceited, but he is a good league or two below me in looks wise. I know that I am the best looking girl he could probably get. That sounds so horrible, but it is very true."==> I find myself ugly, I'm not dressed very well, but I'm always in love with beautiful and hip girls that only look at my friend.
"This makes me feel awful as he is completely besotted with me, and would do anything to make me happy, which I know his friends would not."==> WHY can't she see I'm in love with her, I'll make her happy, and my friends are not as gentle, loving as me, they only want to fuck her.
HILARIOUS!
If you're a girl, you're really egocentric! If he had you, he can have a girl better than you and smarter!
***********************************************
So you have no point of reference, Donny.
You're like a child that wanders INTO THE MIDDLE OF A MOVIE! |
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Jason
* Dog in the Sand *
1446 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 07:19:23
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| *Patiently waiting for the first mean-spirited double-entendre inspired by a relationships advice post from a girl calling herself Drop-In Centre* |
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The Champ
= Cult of Ray =
Canada
736 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 07:31:34
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| Yea Drop, keep in mind not all hot girls are as shallow as yourself, but hey nice of you being honest...Personally from what you wrote i would think hes better off without your horse shit..so leave him be if u can't make up your mind. |
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PsychicTwin
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1772 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 07:39:21
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Drop-In Centre...
You have a lot to learn. You say you've come to accept this guy for who he is (and how he looks), but the rest of your words show otherwise. You need to be less myopic and possess less egocentricity when it comes to having a serious relationship. I'm not reprimanding you for it, sounds like we've all been guilty of mistreating someone at some point (whether we were the wrong-doers, or it was done to us...)
Whatever...I won't say looks aren't important, because they are. But they aren't everything, and can easily be eclipsed by other great things about someone's personality, other things that make them unique and cool. If you are hung up on the looks thing, then do this guy a favor. Don't string him along any more...if you need to, get involved in a string of shallow, meaningless physical relationships or whatever else floats your boat. I guarantee you that someday you will reach the point where you can accept a guy like this for who he is (looks or no looks.) |
Edited by - PsychicTwin on 10/05/2004 10:08:10 |
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someguycalledjames
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
109 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 07:44:04
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I find this idea of 'leagues' rude, simplistic & insulting. Its something that we had at school & maybe 1st year university, its something that you grow out of when you get older..
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PixieSteve
> Teenager of the Year <
Poland
4698 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 07:48:02
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are you 16?
 I joined the Cult of Pi / Because it's cool |
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edwina
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
179 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 07:50:55
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| My guess is 18 turning 19... |
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someguycalledjames
- FB Fan -
United Kingdom
109 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 07:57:27
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| Yeah.. how old are you anyway? |
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Broken Face
-= Forum Pistolero =-
USA
5155 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 08:26:06
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i'm w/ edwina on the age guess
-brian
- "I joined the Cult of Frank / And they tried to cut off my nuts and make me put on a blue jumpsuit"
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ShakeyShake
* Dog in the Sand *
United Kingdom
1058 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 10:47:52
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I'm with Pixiesteve,I'm giving 7/4 odds for 16 year old.
"I joined the Cult of this guy / 'cause they took my other picture away |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 11:17:51
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I reckon 16, going on 17.
quote:
"He is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. Loves the same music, is generous, and kind, and loving, and well...we are very compatible in the bedroom." ==> I like good music, I'm generous, I'm sweet and I can masturbate for 40mn, I watched many porn videos, so I'm probably a good fuck.
"BUT he is not the best looking guy in the world. This sounds so self conceited, but he is a good league or two below me in looks wise. I know that I am the best looking girl he could probably get. That sounds so horrible, but it is very true."==> I find myself ugly, I'm not dressed very well, but I'm always in love with beautiful and hip girls that only look at my friend.
"This makes me feel awful as he is completely besotted with me, and would do anything to make me happy, which I know his friends would not."==> WHY can't she see I'm in love with her, I'll make her happy, and my friends are not as gentle, loving as me, they only want to fuck her.
You and I are pretty similar, Remi.
Maybe its just a general male complex for all the guys who aren't totally conceited and vain.
"You ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe?"
"Yes, once..." |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 11:29:57
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Hmmm
I think it's fucking awfull either way, the guy I was seeing told me that I wasn't all that attractive, that his other girlfriends were prettier thinner than I am, that this was wrong that, that was wrong, it feels shit. In fact, and I quote "on a personality level we get on 100%, I've never gotten on with anyone or felt this close to anyone, but physically......"
blargh
I look like the kind of guy who pimps his sister not just for the money, but because he hates her
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GypsyDeath
Zapped Profile
3575 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 11:40:19
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I dont know. I never really place that much on sort of exterior type stuff...
I can see what you mean, obviously, you do think about it, but if this guy is a 'lovely' as he sounds, then stick with him. But at the same time, some one mentioned earlier about picking out small insignificant things just to blow out of proportion, as obviously you feel the relationship isnt right for you? Or maybe just not fright at this time?
I think you guys are being a little harsh though. Alot of what she said does sound awful..but at the same time I can see where she is coming from.
God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex |
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LBF1976
= Cult of Ray =
269 Posts |
Posted - 10/05/2004 : 13:54:05
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I want a reply from Drop... it's no fun debating someone else's pathological tendencies without their input or without knowing if they're real or fake...
Floops quesedillas zijn te vergelijken met het likken van fatsige Albert's aars nadat hij een fles laxeermiddel heeft leeggedronken. |
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Drop-In Centre
- FB Fan -
Bermuda
12 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 07:47:36
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You guys can really turn when you want to, can't you!
I feel there has been some very valid points made. Cult Of Frank mentioned something about being more concerned as to what people think when I walk downt the street, and how most ultra hot guys are complete assholes. absoloutely. I totally agree.
I think youre right, it probably does have more to do with my own confidence. When you are with someone, its nice to feel proud of them, isnt it? Everyone wants that, no matter how much weight you put on other peoples opinions...I am not saying I dont feel proud of him, I do. He is just THE nicest guy.
My last few relationships have been with very 'hot' men. And to a certain extent I think I just got used to that feeling, of being with someone like that. But Cult Of Frank, you are right, they were all assholes. This guy is not. In fact, My first love, was no looker whats so ever, but he was such a sweet guy, that i found him irresistable. I think it just takes to time to adjust back to that sort of relationship, rather than the sort I have been in recently. I am not saying that the way you look changes the relationship dynamic or anything like that, but it does affect it to a certain extent. Not a great deal though.
You all keep going on about the fact that I said i was probably the best looking girl he could get. Yes, it is totally conceited. Absoloutely. But he was actually the one who said that to me. As did his two best friends, as did, in not quite the same wording, obviously, his parents. Its something that is quite unavoidably obvious. We have already discussed this. with eachother, and with friends. Girls just would not look at him enough to speak to him I guess. He knows it, I know it. Just as I know I could never find a guy that is anywhere near as nice as him.
I am not going to 'fuck his hot friends'. I would not do that. As lovely as they all are, and goodlooking (most of them), I would never do that to him. Fantasising over some one else is healthy when you are in a relationship, and is often about your partners friends, as they will usually have a lot of the endearing qualities that they do. However they are not him. and could never compare.
I am probably, as Daisy Girl touched on, using this as a defense mechanism, as I am uneasy about wanting to be in a relationship. I do, however, feel a lot about this guy. I didnt really realise it as much at the time, but I really do. I'm just scared. Trying to pick on the only stupid little thing that was wrong with the relationship.
I came on here to air my feelings at the time. To get things straight in my head, and hear the opinion of people who I have been reading posts from for a long time, and looked up to their views. A lot of people replied, and told me what you thought. Thank you for sharing all your opinions with me. It has helped a lot, and made me realise what I was doing.
Yes, i can see how my post could have been interpreted. I am sorry if i offended any one, but they were just the stream of thoughts going through my mind at the time, in a moment of uncertaintity, contemplation, and confusion.
Because you are all so keen to find out, I am coming up to 20. My name is drop in centre, because that is where I happened to be at the time of registering. A computer drop in centre.
Anyway, thank you again for all of your comments. Really, all of them.
Puzzler? Ill give you Puzzler |
Edited by - Drop-In Centre on 10/06/2004 07:50:26 |
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Homers_pet_monkey
= Official forum monkey =
United Kingdom
17125 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 09:22:06
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I think you should go out with me, I am WAAAAY better looking than all of them!
Help me! He keeps making me post!
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VoVat
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
9168 Posts |
Posted - 10/06/2004 : 17:38:22
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quote:
so am I, I am the guy she's talking about
Heh, when I first read this, I thought you meant it literally.
quote:
You all keep going on about the fact that I said i was probably the best looking girl he could get. Yes, it is totally conceited. Absoloutely. But he was actually the one who said that to me. As did his two best friends, as did, in not quite the same wording, obviously, his parents.
But isn't it quite different to have other people think that than to think it yourself?
quote:
the guy I was seeing told me that I wasn't all that attractive, that his other girlfriends were prettier thinner than I am
So he automatically associated "prettier" with "thinner"? Sounds like a real winner...
"Signature quotes are so lame." --Nathan |
Edited by - VoVat on 10/06/2004 17:39:20 |
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darwin
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
USA
5454 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 00:07:35
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quote:
Originally posted by Drop-In Centre
Fantasising over some one else is healthy when you are in a relationship, and is often about your partners friends, as they will usually have a lot of the endearing qualities that they do. However they are not him. and could never compare.
Ahhh, no. Fantasizing about others is not the recipe for a healthly relationship. |
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n/a
deleted
4894 Posts |
Posted - 10/07/2004 : 02:29:44
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quote:
Originally posted by VoVat
quote:
the guy I was seeing told me that I wasn't all that attractive, that his other girlfriends were prettier thinner than I am
So he automatically associated "prettier" with "thinner"? Sounds like a real winner...
"Signature quotes are so lame." --Nathan
*blush*
erm yeah, in his defence (although god knows why) he had issues there, he actualy wasn't trying to be mean, just very *very* honest in a very non-thinking kind of way, he said he thought I had a pretty face, but tre will never be a waif, too short, too large of chest and broad of hips and I don't think he liked it, I don't like it either but I don't need to be feeling really inadequate all the time for it either.
So yeah drop in, defend it all you like but conceited it appears, I guess if you honestly feel (talking very bluntly here) that physically you're better than him you're never going to know what it's like being the one who just isn't good enough. And as flattering as it is for you to hear it from everyone that you're the prettiest girl he can get, it's just adding to any inadequacy felt by this poor guy, I can't even see how this is an issue that would ever come up. I think if you really really cared for him you wouldn't even be thinking like this.
I look like the kind of guy who pimps his sister not just for the money, but because he hates her
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Drop-In Centre
- FB Fan -
Bermuda
12 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2004 : 06:19:06
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Just out of interest, but did any one actually READ my second post? any one at all??
As I said in my SECOND post, my first post was basically just me blurting out a stream of words going through my head. I think Daisy Girl hit the nail on the head when she spoke of it being a defense mechanism. Picking on things that do not really matter.
I have been on the other side of this, by the way, many times. I have been told I am not good enough. Told I am not to be around when his friends are there, because he was ashamed of me. Told How much better all his ex girl friends, or every girl that walks down the street are SO much better, and prettier, and sexier than myself. (most of these girls he was fucking at the time). Ive been there. I have also been used as the 'trophy' girl friend. Neither is particularly nice.
Thats another thing, I couldnt help it cross my mind that perhaps, just maybe, he is going out with me purely on a looks basis. He talks about it all the time. But i dont think he is. He is way too sweet for that.
And I have fallen for him big time. Its scary, and stupid, and lame. But i have totally 100% fallen for him.
Puzzler? Ill give you Puzzler |
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Different Leagues and Shallow Relationships
