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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
 Posted - 12/02/2003 : 17:06:32
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Since you seem to have an odd obsession with farts and poop...this one's for you. Enjoy.
The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase ''Shit Happens'' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.”
The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly. |
Edited by - TheCroutonFuton on 12/02/2003 17:19:11 |
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Coldheartofstone
* Dog in the Sand *
Canada
2025 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2003 : 17:23:16
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A Houdini Poop...AHHHHHHHHahahahhahaha
I've come to hate my own creation...now i know how God feels.-Homer Simpson |
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2003 : 17:27:08
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| What's scary is that we can all relate to most of them...haha. |
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El Barto
= Song DB Master =
USA
4020 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2003 : 18:33:31
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No shit man...literally! That shit is hilarious.
 "I joined the Cult of Clops / If I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open." |
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2003 : 18:40:07
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hehe here is the "poopie list" some of the same ones, but also some others. And the word poopie makes it sound funnier, hehe.
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose. |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2003 : 21:02:44
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| If someone could tell me where that ass I just laughed off is.... |
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Hordak
- FB Fan -
USA
180 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2003 : 21:27:58
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"The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!"
I believe that's commonly referred to as a "turtle head," as well. |
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 12/02/2003 : 22:34:42
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| Hehe, I'm glad you liked it. |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2003 : 06:30:44
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It appeals to my purient nature.
Even if I misspelled it. |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2003 : 06:35:17
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I read that last night when I was about ready to collapse and even though I'd read the latter list before, I may have laughed up a lung and several (yes several) kidneys.
 "Join the Cult of Frank / And you'll be enlightened" |
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2003 : 14:56:54
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Oh man. Thank you CroutonFuton.
 "Join the Cult of Mr. Potato Head / And You'll Have Buckets of Fun" |
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2003 : 15:20:36
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| hehe, anytime. |
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2003 : 16:24:20
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Yet more poop jokes to come...
One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.
When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, brought it to the store and purchased the dog food.
One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.
Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"
The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?" |
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2003 : 16:29:53
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hehe, another one.
Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''
The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''
The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''
ahahahaha....oh man. |
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ProverbialCereal
- FB TabMaster -
USA
2953 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2003 : 18:02:36
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Please keep them coming. haha.
I don't have an poop jokes, but I like that scene in Top Secret (Val Kilmer's first movie) when Cedric is talking to the man selling souveniers, novelties, and party tricks. The guy shows Cedric an exploding cigar, a rose that shoots out ink, and a whip cream can that shoots out cream from the wrong end. As the guy with the gadgets leaves Cedric and starts walking away, Cedric picks up something and says: "Wait! You dropped your phoney dog poop." Then the man says "What phoney dog poop?"
"Join the Cult of Mr. Potato Head / And You'll Have Buckets of Fun" |
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TheCroutonFuton
- Mr. Setlists -
USA
1728 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2003 : 05:33:28
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In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on it's head!" |
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Grizwald
- FB Fan -
Canada
100 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2003 : 05:36:30
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Oh my god, Dude... I thought this forum was maybe a bit more mature but come on now. Its not even like this "Shit" is new. Its all over the net and I think its why the internet was created. To share toilet humor.
Cult Of Ray you say?, I mean The Cult Of J www.The-Cult.vze.com |
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Cult_Of_Frank
= Black Noise Maker =
Canada
11687 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2003 : 06:50:47
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Well then I guess we're doing our part to keep the internet going, no?
"Join the Cult of Frank / And you'll be enlightened" |
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Grizwald
- FB Fan -
Canada
100 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2003 : 07:08:39
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The swimmer is a focking dick head.
The Cult Of J www.The-Cult.vze.com VISIT IT NOW!!! |
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rockathon
- FB Fan -
241 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2003 : 07:24:05
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| that still counts, now go put a quarter in the swear jar you dirty bird |
Edited by - rockathon on 12/04/2003 07:32:13 |
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Grizwald
- FB Fan -
Canada
100 Posts |
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Grizwald
- FB Fan -
Canada
100 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2003 : 07:35:07
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I think I broke the internet. I was the last one to post but it says rockathon was.
The Cult Of J www.The-Cult.vze.com |
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