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MangyKid
- FB Fan -
170 Posts |
 Posted - 11/11/2003 : 21:22:13
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Bible 2
In the beginning, god created the heavens and the earth. It was a pretty nice thing of him to do, when you think about it. But upon the completion of gods first and grand creation, he screwed up and accidentally brought to life his father's final experiment, the one that had slain him and fed the entrails to his son. He awoke the mighty Satan 2000. God had been battling with the original satan (just for fun) for decades, but this was a great beast the likes of which only the legendary swordsman El Pincero could defeat. Unfortunately, El Pincero was in astral jail for money laundering, so it looked as though god was to fight Satan 2000 all by his lonesome. Luckily, Satan 2000 slit his wrists to "end the torment." You see, Satan 2000 considered himself the king of irony, so in a grand criticising pantomime of his "followers" he took his own life so they might truly be worshipping nothing. Satan 2000 was pretty cool.
Anyways, the true story to be told is one of wild fantasy and inner discovery, grand adventures and everlasting peace. For this is the story of the once and future savior, Robert Huppleden.
Part 1: Robert Huppleden: The Life, The Love,
The Pure Earthquake of Passion.
It was a windy autumn day, as Robert Huppleden, the currently-unaware-of-his-saviorness savior walked out of his front door in his underwear. Ignoring the stares from a bus of passing nuns, he strutted to his mailbox, expecting his new Star Trek collector's plates to be there. Opening the mailbox, he screams "God damn it!" in the anguish of having to go another day without Spock's keen uniform emblazoned on a plate sitting on the huge pile of "used up" porno he keeps next to his TV.
Seconds after he uttered those faithful words, god himself flew down on a magical flying clam. seated upon a huge pearl, he called down to Robert: "Hear me, young man-puppy, you have exceeded the alotted number of times you may take the lord's name in vain!"
"Oh snap! But who are you?" asked Robert, thinking about how much he could get for that pearl on ebay.
"The Lord, you silly goose!"
"Why do you refer to yourself in the third person? It confuses people that don't already know you're the lord."
"Look, I've got my reasons, just get on the damn clam."
"Why?"
"Because now its your job to be the savior, duh."
"Hey, this wasn't in the contract."
"There wasn't a contract."
"Oh yeah." With this, Robert heaves his great bloated mass toward his house, hoping to seek safety under a pile of Arby's bags. Unfortunately, he was in no shape to race a giant flying clam, having exceeded his prime weight a few powers of 10 ago. "Gotcha!" God said with a squeal of glee.
"God damn it, at least let me put some clothes on." Robert said, spitting donut chunks."See? There you go again with the god damns. That's another turn as savior for you!" Almost uttering those earth-shattering, pelvis-exploding words again, Robert managed "Go-... I mean, uh, Fuck!"
"That's more like it, baby!" God said heartily while giving Robert a friendly ass-slap. "Shall we go now Robert?"
And thus began the epic journey of Robert Huppleden.
I was bored. |
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glacial906
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1738 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2003 : 21:32:05
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What AREN'T you on right now?
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Carl Sagan
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glacial906
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1738 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2003 : 21:33:00
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Really, sounds like a more profane version of something Douglas Adams would write.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Carl Sagan
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2003 : 21:35:27
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| I like it alot. |
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Cheeseman1000
>> Denizen of the Citizens Band <<
Iceland
8201 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2003 : 01:31:14
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The first bit sounds the Bible According To Spike Milligan.
 "I have joined the Cult Of Frank/And I have dearly paid"
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2003 : 07:48:04
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| Please keep going. I find it very entertaining, mangy kid. |
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floop
= Wannabe Volunteer =
Mexico
15297 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2003 : 10:11:19
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| catchy title. |
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apl4eris
~ Abstract Brain ~
USA
4800 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2003 : 10:23:52
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Yeah. Good stuff. Very comic novel bent, and I mean that in the best Neil Gaiman, "Sandman" way. I can see the illustrations now....
 "I partied with the Cult of Frank / Bob ate all the dip" |
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cvanepps
= Cult of Ray =
USA
442 Posts |
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MangyKid
- FB Fan -
170 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2003 : 13:52:34
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Part 2: Clam Journey of the Greats
Robert awoke to the delightful sight of clouds whizzing past his face at 100 miles per hour. That is if delightful means "instantly causing intense nausea". Relieving his stomach of a portion of its immense, greasy contents over the side of the clam, he looks up to see God staring at him amusedly. "You better have passed out, because if you managed to fall asleep riding on this, you truly are worthy of the comedic title they gave you on Heaven." God said.
"What title is that?" Robert said, his meaty head still not clear.
"I can't tell you that." God said with levity
"I'm getting sick of your crap, God."
"Look, The Lord is supposed to be nice and all, so I'm just going to tempt you into trying to guess the name. I'm not actually going to tell you. That wouldn't be The Lord's way."
"Seems to me you are just filling "The Lord's" shoes, are you really God or what?"
"That's another thing you're going to have to guess, Sir Chunksalot." God realized he slipped there, "Oops, guess you know what they call you now."
"Oh that's real classy, you'd think being heavenly beings and all you could come up with something better than that." El Huppledeno said, disgusted with the whole ordeal.
"Hey, I didn't make it up, it's just catchy. In other news, we're almost there."
"Almost where exactly?"
"The Savior Training Grounds, or STG for the acronym-prone." God replied with a touch of acronym-induced happiness. "It's on Heaven 2, in the Carribean. Nice little island for our earth recon missions." Robert knew better than to ask more questions, they'd get him nowhere and he was to busy wondering if he could get a PO box on the island for his stupid friggin' plates. Seriously, this guy is a dork. Wondering what was going to happen next, but quickly reverting back to his star trek plate fixation, Robert asked "How much longer? And exactly why do you need another savior? Jesus did good enough." At this, God started laughing hysterically, but managed to say "Jesus did jack diddly, that was just a book! If I had 9 cents for every time I hear how great jesus is, every 11 times I heard it I could get something from a 99 cents store, and let me tell you, I'd get a lot."
"So the Bible isn't true?" Robert asked, his curiousity outweighing his retarded obsession momentarily.
"Well, some of it is, but mostly it's based off stories in porn mags from a couple millenia ago, It's sort of a best-of compilation. Since then, English and every other language has changed so much you'd never tell, but it was funny as hell back in the day."
"Yeah sure." Robert said in the most sarcastic tone he could muster while riding on a giant clam to Heaven 2.
"Well, think about it. You know how you use "gay" now? It used to mean happy! Just imagine what "The" meant back then." |
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MangyKid
- FB Fan -
170 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2003 : 14:00:59
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| Basically, Jesus is a porn star |
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the swimmer
* Dog in the Sand *
USA
1602 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2003 : 14:25:43
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No. Never mind.
It was allright till that last episode. Now it sucks.
You're slacking kid. |
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MangyKid
- FB Fan -
170 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2003 : 14:33:17
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| hey, I tried to tone down the profanity. But it looks as though it had an adverse effect. |
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MangyKid
- FB Fan -
170 Posts |
Posted - 11/12/2003 : 14:40:58
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here you'll like this one better:
Part 2: God kills fucking everybody
So then God starts going fucking crazy and pulls a giant machine gun and some bombs and stuff out of his goddamn rectum and blows up a bunch of fucking shit. He blows up everything and then satan appears and says "where's my tacos bitch?!" and god shoots him with rocket filled with acid and satan explodes and then the chunks of satan explode and then they melt, then the puddle of melted satan bits explodes. "Take that you penisheaded jackass wizard whore!" god screams and then he stabs Robert in the chest with a fork and pulls out a chicken, apparently lodged between roberts ample monboobs. Then everything explodes. the end. |
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