| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Little Black Francis |
Posted - 06/03/2004 : 22:27:32
I have to tell the whole story so you get the irony...
These 2 Mormon girls I work with invite me over to cook dinner for them tonight. So I do. One leaves and I stay with the other one, the one I kinda like like, and we sit and talk until a little after midnight.
Now, you all know me, I am far from Mormon,
and this girl is a very good Mormon. So, after a few hours of hanging out with her, I am dying for a cigarette and a beer. So I get in my car and I drive down to the corner bar, just to get one beer before I go home. I am in the bar for 5 minutes maybe and I leave and go out to my car. And there are these 2 college kids standing next to my car telling me that no more than 2 minutes before, a tractor trailer cut the corner too tight and fucked up my front bumper and crushed the wheel well in on my driver's side door. Out fucking standing! Un fucking believeable! And, it was a hit and run. They didn't get a liscense plate number, just a vague description, so the bastard got away with it too.
I even pulled my car up an extra parking space to make me closer to the turn....
I even thought maybe I should just go home...
So god was driving that semi and telling me that I am sinner. What a bitch.
On the bright side, I guess I needed a new bumper anyway. Fuck me. |
| 21 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Little Black Francis |
Posted - 06/05/2004 : 00:50:11
I know a white girl who is Mormon who is divorced who has two litlle black baby girls, 3 and 1, and these mormons are doll babies
somebody find WOMD on God or Satan please |
| Little Black Francis |
Posted - 06/05/2004 : 00:27:36
sorry I am not there
sorry you are not here
sorry we both cant be at the same place at teh same time
so fuck us all
I'll stare at eh wall
and fuck my balls
Nature fucks Electronics. |
| fudd |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 22:54:43
In my high school there were two sisters who were Mormons, one of whom was absolutely straight and narrow, and the other of whom smoked, drank, smoked pot, and used all manner of foul language. It seems rebellion is an all or nothing thing with them. |
| Little Black Francis |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 21:45:06
Hey, thanks for turning my thread into "the funniest guys" only thread (jk)
Andan, Kok, Homer, Floop... you guys are all comic oracles in my book.
But
To get back on the motherfucking topic (hehe)
yeah, I've had lots of experience with Mormons, and I shall explain the reason, breifly (for me).
I've noticed people hate reading long posts...
In the USA there is 1 (one, un, numero uno, ein) certified "Mormon" school/university, BYU, (Brithym Young University) however the fuck it's spelled...
but
there is another one about 8 years in the making, and guess where it is? In bumfuck egypt, southwestern Virginia, in a small hick town named Buena Vista but pronounced (be-you-na - vist-ta, i.e., not the proper Spanish pronunciation.)
So
I've been living here 90% of my 30 years, and most of the places I've worked at have as their primary workforce, Mormons, (which we commonly refer to as "Mormon Nation".) And really, I've never seen such a high percentage of college kids that work, even thought they're loaded.
This is a college town, Lexington, VA.
There is Washington and Lee, a small, private, prestigious, civil war, (General Lee is buried iunder a chapel on the school grounds) Republican headquarters, Greek capital of the country (98% of students are in a fraternity or sorority), alcohol invested, SUV, prep prick evil Texan master University (75% of the kids parents make over 100 grand a year and of that 75%, 50% make upwards of 250 grand a year [that does not take into account millionares, it just mean they make more than 250 grand a year) How do I know this? My pop's is prof. there for 35 years, and he came from nothing, and essentially, to them, is nothing... Chemistry BTW...
There is VMI (Virginia Military Institute) the last State funded college in the country to go co-ed, a military school that won't turn down anybody
And lastly
SVU (Southern Virginia University), formerly called Southern Semenary, an all girl's school with a bunch of sluts and a speciality in equine science. Almost 10 years ago Southern Sem was bought out by 2 Mormon tycoons, and has since been transformed into the second most popular breeding grounds for Mormons, SVU.
So about 5 years ago I dated a "bad" Mormon girl. She was 19 and I was 22 or 23 or something. She was from Ogden Utah, loved to smoke blunts and drink 40's and stole my copy of the Dr. Dre's the Chronic. We used to fuck like bunnies and all was great until she became pregnant by my best friend, and had his baby, and moved back to UT. End of story there pretty much, and as well, pretty much the end of bad Mormons in this area.
There are pros and cons in dating a Mormon. It's hard to know where to begin.
So, now, I'm kinda crushing on this 19 year old, but we're so different, I think there's little hope for a long-standing relationship of any sort.
But here's the deal with Mormons. The whole polygamy thing, bullshit. I've never met a Mormon who practiced this ancient art of multiple wives.
But they don't use contraceptives. For example, the girl I like, she has 10 brothers and sisters, no fucking shit, I am not lying, 10 brothers and sisters with ther same mother and father... for you mathmaticians, that's a baby a year for 20 years... amazing...
But Sarah is really sweet, and nice and good and healthy, and I am most of all the above, excluding the healthy.
Her biggest sin is she will drink soda with caffine in it at work.
My biggest sin, I smoke a pack a day, drink around a twelve pack, I'm a slut, I've done every drug under the sun, continue? But I'm not as bad as I used to be and I'm getting a little better everyday, maybe someday soon I could qualify as healthy too... : (
So all in all... I forget, I'll fill in the rest later if anyone gives a fuck
|
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 14:06:34
Thanks KoK. You still behind me? Adnan looks pretty pissed off!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
| The King Of Karaoke |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 13:48:56
quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
Your mother tells you that you fuck her!?!?!? Surely you are aware of it, or does she disguise herself?
It's still sick!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!!
Yeah! What Monkeyboy said.
------------------------------------
Confucious say - The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.
He also say my lucky numbers are: 16 27 36 23 11
http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/
|
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 13:46:23
Your mother tells you that you fuck her!?!?!? Surely you are aware of it, or does she disguise herself?
It's still sick!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
| Adnan_le_Terrible |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 13:08:32
quote:
Originally posted by Homers_pet_monkey
quote:
Originally posted by apl4eris
Also, posthumous "conversions".
LBF, maybe I'm alone in thinking your stop at the bar saved your life -just think what that wacko could have done to you if you'd been on the road. God seems to be signalling you to drink more beer.
If the only tool you have is an elbow macaroni,
all your problems look like Schroedinger's cat.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Adnan, that post was your funniest in a long time. Very funny indeed. Keep it up.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!!
I know, I'm a motherfucking genius. That's what my mother keeps telling me. I sometimes have to make lame jokes, because you guys might get jealous...
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 12:51:47
quote:
Originally posted by floop
so lbf, what's it like dating a mormon, for a guy like yourself?
the obvious drawbacks are the whole no alcohol, no cigarettes, no caffene thing.. but then, am i not mistaken in my understanding that certain other activities are, in fact, not looked down upon at all in the Mormon faith?
Great!!! So he gets to fart in public and listen to The Darkness!!! Whoopy-fucking-doo!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 12:49:06
quote:
Originally posted by apl4eris
Also, posthumous "conversions".
LBF, maybe I'm alone in thinking your stop at the bar saved your life -just think what that wacko could have done to you if you'd been on the road. God seems to be signalling you to drink more beer.
If the only tool you have is an elbow macaroni,
all your problems look like Schroedinger's cat.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Adnan, that post was your funniest in a long time. Very funny indeed. Keep it up.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
| remig |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 10:39:58
quote:
Originally posted by Adnan_le_Terrible
FINISH YOUR BEER, ASSHOLE !
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore.
haha, excellent.
never been too parc Asterix, what it's like? |
| Adnan_le_Terrible |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 09:02:58
FINISH YOUR BEER, ASSHOLE !
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
| The King Of Karaoke |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 08:12:30
quote:
Originally posted by apl4eris
Also, posthumous "conversions".
LBF, maybe I'm alone in thinking your stop at the bar saved your life -just think what that wacko could have done to you if you'd been on the road. God seems to be signalling you to drink more beer.
If the only tool you have is an elbow macaroni,
all your problems look like Schroedinger's cat.
Good Lord!
I'm glad God doesn't signal me to drink more beer.
I'm already whacking back a twelve pack (Natural Ice), and a fifth of Vodka daily, just to calm my nerves.
Wait! Maybe God has signalled me, but I just didn't realise it.
Sweet! Off to the liquor store for some hangover helper and another thirty pack. I'm on a mission from God!
------------------------------------
Confucious say - The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.
He also say my lucky numbers are: 16 27 36 23 11
http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/
|
| apl4eris |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 07:22:27
Also, posthumous "conversions".
LBF, maybe I'm alone in thinking your stop at the bar saved your life -just think what that wacko could have done to you if you'd been on the road. God seems to be signalling you to drink more beer.
If the only tool you have is an elbow macaroni,
all your problems look like Schroedinger's cat. |
| This_Guy |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 02:27:27
multiple wives=multiple headaches. |
| Adnan_le_Terrible |
Posted - 06/04/2004 : 02:02:38
What's so special about the Mormons?
I keep feeling like people are just looking at screens and web sites all the time, but do they ever do anything? Or go out and say anything to anyone? I'm not so sure anymore. |
| IceCream |
Posted - 06/03/2004 : 23:50:36
sorry. I meant "thought-provoking". |
| IceCream |
Posted - 06/03/2004 : 23:49:50
Some may consider that story "complaining". I do not, but even if it should construe it as complaining, I thank LBF for developing it into an ironic and though-provoking story. |
| floop |
Posted - 06/03/2004 : 23:43:05
so lbf, what's it like dating a mormon, for a guy like yourself?
the obvious drawbacks are the whole no alcohol, no cigarettes, no caffene thing.. but then, am i not mistaken in my understanding that certain other activities are, in fact, not looked down upon at all in the Mormon faith? |
| floop |
Posted - 06/03/2004 : 23:38:36
LBF, that's fucking hilarious.
my favorite line: "now, you all know me, i am far from Mormon"
that is classic. ps. i'm dying for a cigarette myself. 3 days quit so far. it's fucking killing me. |
| ProverbialCereal |
Posted - 06/03/2004 : 23:07:50
Wow. That was a good bed time story for me.
Just quit a cult / going through withdrawal |
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