| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Newo |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 09:05:40
A friend posted me some of these quotes from Leaving Cert English (end-of-secondary-school exams in Ireland) essays, so here for you:
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda' like, sorta, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Ballina at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 50cent-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ad.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had
ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Mary Harney, Tanaiste, in the first of her several points of Dail debate made to Bertie Aherne, TD, in the Dail Committee hearings on the suspension of Ray Burke TD.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Irish Independent crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
--
"You one of those right-wing nut outfits?" inquired the diplomatic Metzger.
Fallopian twinkled. "They accuse us of being paranoids."
"They?" inquired Metzger, twinkling also.
"Us?" asked Oedipa.
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| 29 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 04/16/2004 : 16:50:38
OH...............MY..........GOD!!!
I have not laughed so hard since...............
A long time, let me tell you. It hurt to laugh that much. I was literally crying.
Bedrock_Barney I salute you. Just when I thought this topic could get no funnier, you post the funniest post - EVER!!!
I am gonna email that to everyone I know......NOW!!!
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
| VoVat |
Posted - 04/16/2004 : 14:26:38
And "state an aerie" is when you say the location of a bird's nest.
I've reached 1000 posts / So I'm too cool to be in a cult. |
| andyn |
Posted - 04/16/2004 : 05:37:24
And beautifully doffed it was, too. Cheers mucka. |
| Newo |
Posted - 04/16/2004 : 03:54:33
haha I doff my hat to you sir.
--
"You one of those right-wing nut outfits?" inquired the diplomatic Metzger.
Fallopian twinkled. "They accuse us of being paranoids."
"They?" inquired Metzger, twinkling also.
"Us?" asked Oedipa.
|
| andyn |
Posted - 04/16/2004 : 03:25:21
"Stage Hunnery" is the act of impersonating Germans in the theatre.
Sorry, I'll stop now. |
| andyn |
Posted - 04/16/2004 : 03:22:21
"Station! 'Urry!" is an instruction to taxi drivers in Northern England when you are late for a train.
|
| Newo |
Posted - 04/16/2004 : 02:26:25
And "stay shunnery" means "continue with your present course of ignoring that person/place/object". Excuse me, couldn't resist.
--
"You one of those right-wing nut outfits?" inquired the diplomatic Metzger.
Fallopian twinkled. "They accuse us of being paranoids."
"They?" inquired Metzger, twinkling also.
"Us?" asked Oedipa.
|
| VoVat |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 15:25:22
"Stationary" is standing still. "Stationery" is pens and paper.
I've reached 1000 posts / So I'm too cool to be in a cult. |
| Adnan_le_Terrible |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 11:49:43
"I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found I had a fractured skull " : this one is horrible yet sooo funny.
I have a number of these, but in French, and I don't feel like translating them today.
 |
| Cheeseman1000 |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 10:23:06
quote:
I collided with a stationery truck coming the other way.
Do you think he meant stationary maybe?
Note: please be aware that I'm not really sure if this is funny or not, because I can never remember which is stood still, and which is pens and paper. Oh well.
 "Join The Cult Of Wormy Cheese Man/In Ten Words Or Less" |
| bumblebeeboy2 |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 10:16:58
quote:
Originally posted by GypsyDeath
going through as in marking them? or going through for...??
what does your g/f do anyways?
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement?
it's just admin stuff, you go through the papers and make sure the marks add up and that they've been marked correctly and stuff like that... i've already told you what my g/f on msn...
The Shrine of the Sea Monkey!
|
| GypsyDeath |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 06:45:43
going through as in marking them? or going through for...??
what does your g/f do anyways?
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement? |
| bumblebeeboy2 |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 06:41:05
haha! they're very good. my gf did a similar job last year, going through exam papers from gcse's... some quite funny stuff... i'm hoping to do it this year myself! so if anyone is doing gcse's... good luck and be nice to me! 
The Shrine of the Sea Monkey!
|
| GypsyDeath |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 06:27:42
OH my god, they are fantastic " Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have. " I love that one!!!! I wonder if people got their insurance claims?
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement? |
| bedrock_barney |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 03:09:25
On a related note, these are actual statements made by people on insurance forms following car accidents:
[pinched from a website discussing Jasper Carrott]
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationery truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found I had a fractured skull
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows.
 "I've rejoined the Cult of Ming / Star of favourite childhood movie of 1980" |
| glacial906 |
Posted - 04/15/2004 : 00:01:06
Kind of reminds me of some lines I've read in Douglas Adams books.
Take me, break me, tell me a good one and maybe I'll cry
|
| Little Black Francis |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 23:40:06
No shortage of analogies, funny though
tot zein mijn vreindes
|
| VoVat |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 23:30:17
Those were as amusing as an amusing joke.
(Okay, I'm not as good at it as those people were.)
Join the Culf of Buttoms / Correctly spelled cults are so passé. |
| Newo |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 16:30:56
I think there seems to be a broad mix there qualitywise, a few deliriously bad, some pretty confident and a couple of them I wish I'd written. I can't remember what I wrote for mine (or for college for that matter) so I assume I'm suppressing some serious literary crimes.
P.S. The Irish Independent crossword is very easy indeed.
--
"You one of those right-wing nut outfits?" inquired the diplomatic Metzger.
Fallopian twinkled. "They accuse us of being paranoids."
"They?" inquired Metzger, twinkling also.
"Us?" asked Oedipa.
|
| GypsyDeath |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 16:13:38
Yeah, you are right, some are pretty clever, but..not for an exam paper..
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement? |
| El Barto |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 16:02:28
I like some of those actually...some are retarded but some are clever. Am I supposed to think they're all retarded? Cause if so, maybe I shouldn't be a writer. I like the 98 missing legs one.
 "Join the Cult of Brit / And let your oral hygiene go out the window." |
| Adnan_le_Terrible |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 14:41:50
I LIKE THIS THREAD. THANK YOU NEWO !
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| Cheeseman1000 |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 14:41:15
I'm just waiting for Jessie to come in and go, 'that was mine!'
I like this one: "It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools"
"Join The Cult Of Wormy Cheese Man/In Ten Words Or Less" |
| GypsyDeath |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 14:38:18
Oh my goodness, IM really curious as to what these people got in their grades for these essays, in fact, I want to read all ofthese essays!!
If these guys got high marks, I really should have taken myexams in Ireland. man, im always in the wrong place!
Boys go to Jupiter, Get more stupider,
Girls go to Mars, Become rock stars
Wanna fuck and fight in the basement? |
| GHutt |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 11:42:34
Some of those were pretty good... I think I've come across the "He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree." somewhere before. |
| Homers_pet_monkey |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 11:22:30
Brilliant stuff Newo!!!
Thanks for cheering me up.
Hansel and Gretel have formed a band, .....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Breadcrumbs!!! |
| apl4eris |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 11:02:19
Certainly not of the same caliber, but this just rminded me of some nonsense I (mindlessly) mumbled last night before going to sleep. I had myself cracking up.
"I'm paraphrasing what would be going through my mind right now if I were thinking."
Being a moron is taxing work, but it has its advantages.
If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. -Samuel Clemens |
| Newo |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 10:54:32
In a Beckett book, I forget which one - maybe Malone Dies, there's a line really similar to the "shots rang out" one.
--
"You one of those right-wing nut outfits?" inquired the diplomatic Metzger.
Fallopian twinkled. "They accuse us of being paranoids."
"They?" inquired Metzger, twinkling also.
"Us?" asked Oedipa.
|
| andyn |
Posted - 04/14/2004 : 09:40:20
Some of these are actually pretty good in a sort of Stephen Fry way. |
