| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| edbanky |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 15:22:53
A friend of mine, who is me, is at the start of this fun new thing where married people split up. His wife of 8 years decided this around 10 days ago.
Anyone willing to share their story (or that of "a friend") or offer advice, bust that shit out please. Hoping to avoid lawyers, but already looking like they'll be necessary--or at least mediators. No kids. Just a house and a car and some guitars. I have no enemies really, so I'd prefer to keep it that way (with the ex-to-be).
Sorry if this is too heavy for FB.net. If so, I am only kidding, and this is a new game I invented.
Thanks folks.
"The man has led us to his current sound like a basket of eggs."
ScottP |
| 25 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Daisy Girl |
Posted - 09/10/2006 : 19:52:06
ditto shine |
| Carl |
Posted - 09/10/2006 : 10:42:54
Congrats Shiner, condolences Ed. Here's to a better future.
 |
| shineoftheever |
Posted - 09/10/2006 : 10:17:38
i should probably stay out of this one as i am 21 days happily married. divorce sucks, rejoice that there are no kids involved.
my first piece of advice would be to go staright to scottp's step 3.
SEE A COUNSELLOR.
my wife and i did a pre-marital mentoring course and i also sought personal counselling to help get over some anxieties and other stuff (being adopted, mother of my daughter breaking up with me whilst pregnant, my own parents divorce when i was 12). it pretty much boils down to a fear of abandonment. it was one of the best things i have done and i should have done it years ago. i firmly believe if you don't do it it will affect your future relationships. my wife are going to go as a couple to iron out difficulties and help adjust to married life with the help of an objective third party.
good luck ed.
The waxworks were an immensely eloquent dissertation on the wonderful ordinariness of mankind. |
| jimmy |
Posted - 09/09/2006 : 12:37:56
edbanky, I'm very sorry to hear about you and your wife. In terms of terrible things that can happen it ranks just below a death in the family. While I haven't had personal experience with this, some of my friends have. All I can say is:
Regardless of the couple or the reasons for the split, it is best to get a lawyer or lawyers, if only to ensure that the financial and tax issues are cleared up correctly.
You seem like a good person so I'm sure she is too. And while this is going to be painful and you might feel some anger, I think the best way to approach this new situation is to view it as a modified version of your marriage vows-
You both promised to love & care for each other forever, now you'll be splitting up, but even though you won't be living together, whether you decide to remain friends or if you only see each other 3 more times in your lifetime, whenever you do see each other you should treat each other with all the goodwill that you felt before.
That was a run-on sentence and probably not very clear.
There have been people that I've been friends with, and for whatever reason, I ended the friendships. But even though we're not friends anymore we are always kind when we run into each other, all of our private secrets are still secrets, and all my ex-friends know that if they were in trouble they could call me and I'd help them out.
What I mean is, if you love someone, then you love them for life, even if the two people decide that they shouldn't be together. |
| KingOfSiam |
Posted - 09/09/2006 : 07:30:49
Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me! It hurt like hell seven years ago when it was happening but now I am generally happy(with the exception of my recent heartbreak)
Dissolution is definately the way to go, if you both can agree on all terms. Divorce gets entirely too expensive. Unfortunately for me, my ex-wife wanted 2 of the 3 cars, the house, a piece of my restaurant franchise, and one of my arms and one of my legs. So divorce was the only option. We are quite amicable towards each other, she has since remarried and I am all set with being legally married to anyone.
Good luck to you and be strong! |
| billgoodman |
Posted - 09/09/2006 : 03:35:31
hang on there, ed, good luck!
---------------------------
God save the Noisies |
| kathryn |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 20:43:35
Ed, funny you should mention cancer. One of my oldest (but by no means old) friends died a few days ago. Not to sound hokey or offensive or whatever, but the way I see it, cancer took her life and divorce gave me back mine.
You're gonna be fine, Ed. It's gonna rock. Who the hell wants or deserves to be a relationship where they don't believe they can make it on their own or where they must ignore negatives?
And while I'm at it,: there is no way I would have had the balls to leave had it not been for the support of a couple of people on this board.
I’m the only one who can say that this light is mine
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| Daisy Girl |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 13:06:16
ed, glad to hear that you're toing allright. i was in a relationship for about 10 years and i know how hard it is to get out. but in my experiene of various crappy life situations i think i found something that works for me. go in there knowing it will suck but also that it will get better. go in there knowing that even thought no one wants it to get petty, some things will become petty. hold your head high, know this will pass, fight for what is really impt for you and realize that the rest is not even worth getting bent out of shape over. just let go mentally of all you can from a stress / anger point but don't beat yourself up if you feel down. my favorite cure, ice cream and cookie dough always come in handy.
but also keep your eye on how awesome and liberating it can be. if i were you, i know i would be shocked, confused, happy, sad, angry and excited. it's a major life change and don't make too many radical changes in your life right away. I am sure you will in your own time feel happy and liberated. I bet you will find a much better partner. I know that was the biggest bonus of getting out of that stale/toxic 10 year relationship that I was able to find somone that was so much more better suited for me that I look back at those 10 years and know that those only helped me get the timing right for metting the man of my dreams.
you will get there, hang in there and enjoy doing what you totally want without having to run it buy anyone!!!;)
keep us posted to how you are feeling and let us know if we can help in any way. |
| HeywoodJablome |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 10:57:09
I enjoy my dad's advice. "Marriage is a great way to ruin a perfectly good relationship."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
"My name is Doug and I'm outta hhhhheeeere." |
| edbanky |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 10:15:56
Thanks all. I'll probably be getting back to you, Kathryn. Yeah, I think at this point the biggest suckiness revolves around the official crap, like dividing things up. There's an emotional attachment to get over, but I honestly see it more like nostalgia, as opposed to heartburn.
It's one of those things where while we were married, I figured I couldn't make it on my own, but once I was forced to consider it, I was pretty glad in many ways. Whereas while you're married, you try to ignore or justify all the potential rift-causers, once you step away, you're allowed to look at all the negatives that were there. For me, it already has been liberating.
I don't envy myself (or Leela) for the next while, cause I know it's gonna hurt like cancer, but I see so many potential positives in the future--and I'm a grumpy, pessimistic realist.
Already have the pros on the horn, with other demons to deal with to boot. Yep, gotta get outta Utah too. For now, I'm keeping my family close (most of whom are out here).
Surfer Rosa, are you my wife? If so, you get to keep the cats, cause you're keeping the house. :( [despite their being named by me: Hali(tosis) and (Nosfe)Ratu]
Still not sure about lawyers. Am a little afraid they'll try to convince me I have mesothelioma or cerebral palsy. Also, in Utah the process is ridiculously uncomplicated. There are a few details of dividing assets for which I would need some expertise, but I think we could otherwise be ok. I'm pretty sure we're not trying to screw each other (I know we weren't during the marriage); I mean, I know I'm not, and I believe she ain't.
Again, thanks. Didn't there used to be a FB.net personals section?
"The man has led us to his current sound like a basket of eggs."
ScottP |
| El Loco |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 09:17:36
Now he can get the F outa Utah and move to LA where all the hot chicks are and me.
IN MY PAST LIFE I WAS CALLED FARTBONE HERE. |
| Cult_Of_Frank |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 08:39:34
Word? You've been married? So much I didn't know.
 "Now you're officially my woman. Kudos. I can't say I don't envy you." |
| starmekitten |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 08:11:58
quote:
Originally posted by Carolynanna
quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Of_Frank
I don't know how it can be 'life affirming'.
I think if you were married to a jerk and spent your time appeasing to keep the peace and somehow lost part of your own identity. Then when you're on your own finally its freeing and life affirming
Word.
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| ScottP |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 08:11:40
quote:
Originally posted by kathryn
1) as you've probably already discovered, upon hearing your news people will dump all kindsa unsolicited, highly personal reactions. Sometimes the stuff people say to you when you say you're divorcing is so annoyingly subjective and irrelevant that you'd best remember that is has nothing to do with you and your situation and just ignore them.
I would never post such personal information if I wasn't ready for some one to answer with a seemingly insensitive reply. Seemingly, as in injecting humor into an obviously not very humourous subject.
I've been there, Ed. Right on the verge of divorce. We went through all the hardest stuff to finally straighten it out and remain married now for nearly 20 years. I have earned the right to answer to Ed's friend's predicament however I feel will help:
1. Lean on your friends for support
2. Get laid as soon as possible
3. Still feeling bad? See a counselor
4. Don't forget who you are
5. Refer to #2
Good luck Ed. |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 08:10:05
quote:
Originally posted by Cult_Of_Frank
I don't know how it can be 'life affirming'.
I think if you were married to a jerk and spent your time appeasing to keep the peace and somehow lost part of your own identity. Then when you're on your own finally its freeing and life affirming.
__________
Aw geez, my duodenum's acting up. |
| El Loco |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 06:34:57
Good luck mr. bank. I've been married for 13 yrs. During this world tour we were seperated and pursuing divorce for about a year. We reconcilled and now 5 yrs later I get to eat all the ribeye i want.
kidding aside, you have it much more easier than most husbands. you have no children. imagine being in your mid 30's having to support yourself and paying child support. you'd be a regular chick magnet fo sho.
IN MY PAST LIFE I WAS CALLED FARTBONE HERE. |
| Superabounder |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 05:38:30
Sorry Edbanky for what you gotta go through, but I do agree with Kathryn that it can be life affirming due to the changes that may be forced upon you. I feel like if you get good advice from a lawyer, yet maintain communication with your wife about what is fair for both of you, you can definitely emerge with someone who is not your enemy at the end.
It certainly didn't feel like a positive move when I went through it (with a kid however), but after six months of gut wrenching trying-to-change-what-was-happening to know avail, I finally accepted it and saw many positive sides to it, and that it would actually work with my child. From that point on it has been a very good thing for the most part, and my ex and I are still great friends to this day.
It certainly prompted me to evaluate things, change and grow to put myself in a position to be much better the next go around.
I'd rather be anywhere or doing anything |
| Surfer Rosa |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 01:39:43
Good topic Mr Banky. I'm going through a similar kind of thing - will spare you all the gorey details, but yes advice is much appreciated. No kids, just a house and two cats.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. |
| Llamadance |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 00:43:30
I think kathryn's referring to a divorce as being when you become a single entity rather than half of one. You know, finding out that you can deal with things by yourself, you are strong enough to deal with all of life's crap. In that way I guess you kind of find yourself, maybe because of having to compromise for so long for the sake of a relationship. I think liberation would be a big part of it too.
I'm just guessing, as I haven't been through a divorce, though a couple of my friends have.
I think kathryn's advice about a lawyer is sound. A friend of ours who is going through separation at the moment does seem to be taking the financial brunt of things because she chose to leave, even though the death of the relationship was both of their faults.
Good luck edbanky, not a nice thing to go through.
What lies before us and what lies behind us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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| Cult_Of_Frank |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 00:24:01
I don't know how it can be 'life affirming'. I haven't gone through it and I'm not doubting your personal experience, but to me it's always sad when people drift apart, whether it's a friendship, a marriage, or even family members. The thing with a divorce is that it's a way of confronting the messiness of that drift and why it happened and at least one person's feelings are probably a little hurt. I'm sure in the end it's a good thing, though - obviously if both parties are that unhappy then it will be a bit of a relief and even liberating to remove that constant anxiety. Maybe this is what you're referring to?
"Now you're officially my woman. Kudos. I can't say I don't envy you." |
| danjersey |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 21:29:22
"what, in my experience, most offends people about divorce is the debunking of the fairy tale idea of 2 destined soulmates harmoniously linked together, changing in tandem and in complimentary ways throughout a lifetime. society acts as if that's the norm but it's not." - k dog
ache in my heart ! it aint all that pretty sometimes.
yeah kathryn i called you k-dog }') |
| kathryn |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 19:44:20
if i may butt in ... perhaps this isnt' the case for ed or for most people but for some (me and a couple of friends) getting divorced is a life-affirming, kickass wonderful thing. generally people incorrectly and automatically assume that divorce is a terrible thing, period. a friend put it best when she expressed sorrow not at the divorce but at the years of pain that made divorcing a necessity and a blessing.
what, in my experience, most offends people about divorce is the debunking of the fairy tale idea of 2 destined soulmates harmoniously linked together, changing in tandem and in complimentary ways throughout a lifetime. society acts as if that's the norm but it's not. evolving together over the decades is a wonderful rarity and good for those who have that. but the vast majority of people have more than one long-term relationship.
and then there's the idea that you're not ok unless you are paired up with someone -- another crock that society dumps on our laps.
I’m the only one who can say that this light is mine
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| Daisy Girl |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 19:21:33
sorry to hear about this. how are you feeling about this ed? I hope that's not too personal. Or is it just too close to home you don't know what to think about yet?
is it something that's final or maybe your wife will cool down and you can work at it?
again, this is sad news but you're among friends here so always come here when you need to take your mind off of things. |
| kathryn |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 17:00:26
Thanks a lot, ed! You just knocked me out of first place as "most recently divorced fb.netter." Mine became final 5 weeks ago. The best advice I got, fittingly, was from Frank. I selfishy asked, in the king holds court thread, something akin to what you're asking (what advice did he have as someone who'd not long ago gone thru it?) and he said something that at the time didn't register with me but that over the months has become clear and most helpful -- he said something along the lines of needing to understand why it happened. Not to throw cliches at you but, as with many experiences, every divorce is unique so i can't offer specific advice or whatever, but I'll say two things, as well as promise to reply to your email if you wanna send me one:
1) as you've probably already discovered, upon hearing your news people will dump all kindsa unsolicited, highly personal reactions. Sometimes the stuff people say to you when you say you're divorcing is so annoyingly subjective and irrelevant that you'd best remember that is has nothing to do with you and your situation and just ignore them.
2) get an attorney. i am not a litigious person but this is the smart thing to do and money well spent. leave aside whatever emotions you may have and consider that this is the dissolution of *a legal agreement*. even if you don't have what you may consider to be substantial assets, you should have someone who knows the law make sure everything's cool -- even if you represent yourself in court, as i did, and even if you're doing mediation.
you're gonna be just fine, ed. you may not believe it right now, but life's gonna rock.
I’m the only one who can say that this light is mine
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| Cult_Of_Frank |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 16:08:55
Sorry to hear that dude, but if there is a silver lining it's that you're not dragging kids through it. No personal advice to offer, but enough people go through this to give hope that it is not fatal. Good luck.
"Now you're officially my woman. Kudos. I can't say I don't envy you." |
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