| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| benji |
Posted - 10/14/2005 : 22:29:56
got thinking after several topics recently with mentions of parents.
so, who has a nuclear family these days?
who's parents are still both alive, and actually together?
we're all a mature bunch of people so hopefully this won't upset anyone, but if it does - don't post.
me, my dad died of Cancer 13 years ago.
i was only 13 at the time, and didn't really understand what was going on. i actually only found out whether my dad had been buried or cremated 2 years ago - he was cremated, and his ashes spread over our dairy farm.
and my mum has never remarried. i actually am very pleased, cause the idea of a step-father doesn't appeal to me at all.
when i was a teenager, only 1 of my friends (both close and not very close) had parents who were divorced - actually having 1or more dead parent(s) was more common than divorce.
i thought this was normal. i now realise that i was wrong...
 Join the Cult of Fat! |
| 35 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| bumblebeeboy2 |
Posted - 10/22/2005 : 06:43:41
parents split when i was about 13 i think, speak to my mum all the time (in fact we've become a lot closer) and very rarely hear from my dad...
The Monkey Helper has had a make-over! http://www.monkeyhelper.co.uk (that is my band) |
| Carl |
Posted - 10/20/2005 : 04:45:31
quote:
Originally posted by Superabounder
Was carrying his baby grandson, stumbled on a funny stair at my brother's house, and fell down. Protected the baby by twisting and landing badly on his leg, and died during the surgery to repair the leg that night.
That's very sad. Not that it makes it any fairer, but a least he protected his grandson. |
| Superabounder |
Posted - 10/20/2005 : 03:13:56
Thanks all. Sorry to bum you guys out-I'M FINE, and so is my mom now but it has been 11 years! Time is about the only thing that lessens these things. Surfer, I'm sorry about your father (and also my sorrow goes out to Rita, Wilhelm, and Scott).
Back to the nuclear family talk! Oh, and incidentally, I was with my ex for 11 years, though only married for 9 of them. And divorce was actually very good for us, even with a child, as we are all good friends.
In fact last night, I was out to dinner with my ex, her boyfriend, her previous ex-husband before she was marrried to me, his parents, my ex's sister, and others to celebrate my former step-daughter's 16th birthday. Did anyone get all of that straight?! That's nuclear, baby!!
I tend to think of human beings as huge rubbery test tubes, too, with chemical reactions seething inside |
| Surfer Rosa |
Posted - 10/20/2005 : 01:16:45
38 years together is pretty impressive and sorry to hear about that Superabounder. Kind of off topic but I read somewhere that the average marriage in the UK lasts for 11 years.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. |
| darwin |
Posted - 10/20/2005 : 00:55:11
This thread is bumming me out. That's horrendous Superabounder. I'm sorry for your loss and hope your mom is managing well.
It amazes me how we're all just one mistake away from being dead and yet most of us live for so long. |
| Superabounder |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 22:51:38
quote:
Originally posted by Carolynanna
I always think it totally sucks when people don't live to retirement.
I mean what a jip, all that work...
__________
Don't believe the hype.
My dad died on the very first night that he was finally finished being "on call" for the hospital. Basically, his entire adult working life was spent having a pager and being called at various times when the hospital needed his opinion on a patient. He would have weekends off based on a schedule with his partners, but on the very first night that he was finally done being on call and didn't have to worry about it any longer (although still was going to be working during the days), he died. Was carrying his baby grandson, stumbled on a funny stair at my brother's house, and fell down. Protected the baby by twisting and landing badly on his leg, and died during the surgery to repair the leg that night.
Worst thing was my (ex)wife and I driving my mother home that night, and seeing my dad's work clothes where he had removed them, and the look on her face as she realized he would never walk back in with her again.
They had 38 years of marriage, great at times, pretty bad at others, but workable and loving at the end.
I tend to think of human beings as huge rubbery test tubes, too, with chemical reactions seething inside |
| Surfer Rosa |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 11:30:53
Thank you Kathryn. And you and I both know nothing is ever really fair.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. |
| kathryn |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 11:24:46
That's obscenely unfair (not to mention a mere 4 years old than I am). I am so sorry, Nic.
Swimming in the heavy water, buried in the sand
Happy hearts fall from my shaking hands
|
| Surfer Rosa |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 11:23:49
Sadly no.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. |
| kathryn |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 11:00:08
quote:
Originally posted by Surfer Rosa
He was 47
Tell me that's a typo.
Swimming in the heavy water, buried in the sand
Happy hearts fall from my shaking hands
|
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 10:58:33
I always think it totally sucks when people don't live to retirement.
I mean what a jip, all that work...
__________
Don't believe the hype. |
| Surfer Rosa |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 10:45:24
No kidding Darwin.
He was 47 Carolynanna. Hardly any of my mom's friends still have their husbands with them - almost all of them either lost to cancer or heart disease - ironically the one who everyone thought would be the first to die because of his lifestyle (hard drinking, smoking, heavy eating of all the wrong food) is the only one still alive.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. |
| darwin |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 10:12:17
quote:
Originally posted by Surfer Rosa
Most people will outlive their own parents, it's a fact of life, just a really shitty one.
Not to be too callous, but I think it beats the alternative. |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 10:11:51
How old was he Ms.Rosa?
__________
Don't believe the hype. |
| Surfer Rosa |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 10:02:54
quote:
Originally posted by Carl
quote:
Originally posted by Surfer Rosa
My father died of a massive heartattack about 7 years ago, the day before him and my mom were due to move into their new house.
Sorry to hear that, Surfer.
Thanks Carl.
I know there are a couple of other forum members that have lost parents in the time that I've been here and it's I've always wanted to say something to them but in my experience nothing really helps with the profound sense of utterly overwhelming loss. It's just something to get used to over time. Most people will outlive their own parents, it's a fact of life, just a really shitty one.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. |
| Carl |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 07:28:35
quote:
Originally posted by Surfer Rosa
My father died of a massive heartattack about 7 years ago, the day before him and my mom were due to move into their new house.
Sorry to hear that, Surfer. |
| therewererumours |
Posted - 10/18/2005 : 18:09:49
Wow! I'm really touched by everybodies honesty on this forum. I like to think I had a happy childhood and grew up in a loving family, but about 6 years ago my family was torn apart by what happened to one of my my family members. Since then I think we've become pretty disfunctional, but at the same time found a deeper love for each other which might sound strange. It's made us face facts about each other that we might other wise have ignored, and made us understand the people we are. Things are'nt great, but the pure love for my two nieces (nothing to do with what tore us apart) has helped my family stay together. Families are never happy, but the happy times are the best you'll ever have.
On the thirty-first floor your gold-plated door
Won't keep out the Lord's burning rain |
| TRANSMARINE |
Posted - 10/18/2005 : 16:52:12
My parents have been together since 1969. I've only known one other friend whose parents are still together like mine. I will say I always wished my parents had divorced. They are a horrible couple. They seperated in 1993 for a few months...but I guess they decided it was better to be unhappy together than apart. They are incomprehensible and miserable humans.
I was alone...in my BIG BED
-bRIAN |
| zub_the_goat |
Posted - 10/18/2005 : 12:00:48
my parents have been married for about 25 years, they met when they were both seventeen, so had never been with anyone else. They had a very rough patch a few years ago, that i still dont see quite how they pulled through, but after being together for that long, im not sure that they could imagine life without each other. |
| breakmybody |
Posted - 10/18/2005 : 10:01:41
quote:
Originally posted by floop
my parents have been together for almost 40 years. they are inseparable
That explains a lot, when you wanted to know how can two people can be together forever...remember?
You can run, but you can't hide who you are
|
| ObfuscateByWill |
Posted - 10/17/2005 : 00:35:35
My parents were together up until my mother's death. My mother confided in my wife several times that if she had had half a mind she would have left my father shortly after I was born. My mother was a very proud woman and it meant quite a lot to my wife to be thought of as a worthwhile confidant.
I don't understand why my parents didn't divorce. Not much love between them. My mother once attempted suicide to escape what she felt was just a really bum life. She fought her way our of the boondocks of appalachia and wound up with a unrewarding nine-to-five, an unattentive husband and an unappreciative/spoiled child.
My father is a good man. I'm not certain if it's the actual term, but he was a binge alcoholic up until I was about 14-16, when he swore to me he'd stop drinking. As far as I know he has. I see him quite often.
Approx. six months after my mom's death, my father remarried. His new wife is a nice enough woman for a yankee. Very jealous, though.
All-in-all, I just recently realised my parents had a loveless marriage. No vacations or getaways. No kisses or mischief. They slept in different rooms for the last ten years of my mother's life.
-
Why put each other through that?
My dad now feels fairly content with his new wife. My mom didn't have that second chance.
It really bothers me that his new lifestyle and woman are floating atop my mother's life insurance money. She died and he finally, after 26 years, lives.
*Take a bite of the chocolate coffin. |
| starmekitten |
Posted - 10/16/2005 : 08:42:28
quote:
Originally posted by IceCream
I hate divorce; I think it's so wrong. Divorce normally represents a hasty and poorly-thought-out marriage.
I disagree entirely, things change and people change and you can't always predict the way that'll happen and if you can live with it. My folks married at 16 and had 7 years together before I came along, then my brothers, then another 9 years of happy marriage. Then my dads job changed, he started working longer hours my mother is very insecure and couldn't cope with being left alone but we were so poor there was not a lot of choice. All these things piled up onto the pair of them until they got bitter and hated each other and divorce was the best thing that could have happened to them in the end. They had 15 years of a good marriage and then it went to shit so they did the sensible thing and got out. The last year of their marriage was hell for all of us, for a few years after the divorce things weren't great but now all is fine and well and they are much better people and we're all much closer now.
Except my mum and dad, seriously, not in the same room. |
| VoVat |
Posted - 10/16/2005 : 08:01:18
quote:
Somehow some people do not stay on the same team, have lost their common goals. And clear communication is key, although some people are not capable of communicating what they think or feel.
While I'm hardly an expert on the matter, I do think this is significant. There are couples where the people might be in love, but they don't seem to really be friends, or able to discuss things with each other. It seems kind of unfortunate to me, but maybe it works for some people.
I was all out of luck, like a duck that died. I was all out of juice, like a moose denied. |
| Surfer Rosa |
Posted - 10/16/2005 : 03:37:12
My father died of a massive heartattack about 7 years ago, the day before him and my mom were due to move into their new house. It ripped me apart. My mom will probably never remarry. They met when she was 16 and they were each others life loves and were married as soon as my grandparents allowed them to. The way she sees it now is that she's had the love of her life and now has the love of her close friends.
My home on the farm growing up was a pretty idyllic one and one of the really great things about it was that many of our family friends or school friends would be sent to spend stay with us when their parents were getting divorced or going through any trouble. A good bit of fresh air, freedom (with none of the big city distractions or temptations) always worked a treat and gave the adults time and space to sort their shit out.
Hardly any of my friends growing up came from divorced families, though I dare say there are many that I can remember that probably should have divorced.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. |
| ScottP |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 14:18:27
My parents divorced 30 years ago when my brother and I were 6, and 9 respectfully. It destroyed our confidence and innocence. My Dad, brother, and me, still to this day, look at each other like, "What the hell just happened?"
Mother is out separating doctors and lawyers from their money. |
| darwin |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 14:03:23
My parents are alive and have been married for more than 40 years. I'm very lucky. I had a steady, non-eventful childhood. I've been married for 9 years.
On the nuclear issue, how much did people see their extended family? I think my family was a little bizarre in how little we saw cousins, uncles, aunts, ect. Part of it was that we moved to parts of the country where none of them were close by. It was just the 4 of us for holidays and every few years we might see the rest of the family. Now that I'm married I see how much my wife's extended family interacts (not always good, but usually) and wish that I had known my cousins and uncles better. I have NEVER met my mom's brothers. |
| VoVat |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 12:22:28
My parents split up when I was ten. They had joint custody, so I saw a lot of both of them, and got used to living in two houses. My dad has since moved to New Mexico and gotten remarried, but since he didn't do so until I was an adult, I don't really think of his new wife as my stepmother. Since my dad lives on the other side of the country, I don't see him in person that much, but we're still on good terms. I still live with my mom, although I spend a fair amount of my time at my girlfriend's house. (She also still lives with her mom, for what it's worth.)
I was very uncomfortable around the time of the divorce, since my parents were always yelling at each other and such, but I don't think it caused any lasting trauma.
I was all out of luck, like a duck that died. I was all out of juice, like a moose denied. |
| whoreatthedoor |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 11:43:44
quote:
Originally posted by IceCream
Divorce normally represents a hasty and poorly-thought-out marriage.
"Hubo un amor que duró una noche, y verdadero amor fue"
This time we ride roller coasters into the ocean
We feel no emotion as we spiral down to the world |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 11:28:26
quote:
Originally posted by IceCream
[quote] Divorce normally represents a hasty and poorly-thought-out marriage.
I agree but not completely (am I a fence sitter or what?!)
Things change over time. Kids, jobs, getting older etc etc.
Somehow some people do not stay on the same team, have lost their common goals. And clear communication is key, although some people are not capable of communicating what they think or feel.
I remember right before my parents split, my dad would always say things like; Your mom said such and such, what do you think she meant by that or what's her problem. And I'd say why the hell are you asking me and not her. But he wouldn't and he would just come up with his own conclusions of what she meant which were usually wrong and would make him angrier.
__________
Don't believe the hype. |
| kathryn |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 11:22:27
quote:
I hate divorce; I think it's so wrong. Divorce normally represents a hasty and poorly-thought-out marriage.
While I don't think anybody likes divorce, I can't say it's wrong or represents a hasty marriage. People get divorced for all kinds of reasons, some of them bad but some of them good.
This is a great thread, benji.
Swimming in the heavy water, buried in the sand
Happy hearts fall from my shaking hands
|
| IceCream |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 11:14:35
quote:
It's the only thing I don't hold against him, the only thing the man isn't to blame for is leaving her.
Sounds like you don't like your dad too much. That's too bad.
My parents are together. I'm really happy about that. I know WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY too many people who are divorced. I hate divorce; I think it's so wrong. Divorce normally represents a hasty and poorly-thought-out marriage. |
| Stevio10 |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 11:01:32
My parents have been together for almost 40 years too, had 6 kids! My sister was married but now divorced. My brother has a daughter with his partner who are no longer together. He has just graduated from university with an honours degree in sociology with psychology, his dissertation on single parenting fatherhood. Another brother of mine and his partner, who aren't married, have a daughter and are expecting again next month. |
| Carolynanna |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 10:58:53
My parents have been in the midst of the War of the Roses for the last 4 years.
I think they're better off apart, but they really screwed up how they went about it.
They're both acting ridiculously childish and it really affects my kids.
They really put me in the middle and it was very difficult to get them to stop.
I think my dad still wants to try to control me like I was a child, and my mom thinks we are girlfriends. It is a trip when you find out you're more of an adult than your parents.
__________
Don't believe the hype. |
| kathryn |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 10:49:05
I have been married 15+plus wonderful years.
My parents split when I was 33 and my father married someone a year younger than me aka The Cupcake. Ten years later, my mother continues her usual drama by demanding that everybody blame my father. It's the only thing I don't hold against him, the only thing the man isn't to blame for is leaving her.
Swimming in the heavy water, buried in the sand
Happy hearts fall from my shaking hands
|
| Carl |
Posted - 10/15/2005 : 10:43:40
My parents split when I was 16. My Dad is remarried, and we're all really close and get on well. |
