| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Surfer Rosa |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 08:59:46
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to elect a worthwhile President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves properly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
wiII will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new
prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who
have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation
Well, everyone seems to be after more active debate here. Thought I'd give you all this to chew on.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming "Fuck, what a trip!" |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| VoVat |
Posted - 11/18/2004 : 17:41:29
quote:
The CBS television channel had to apologise to viewers this week after it interrupted the conclusion of an episode of the popular crime drama Crime Scene Investigation with a piece of news from the real world.
Hey, I'm still kind of annoyed about how they cut off a Futurama episode back in 2000 to tell us that they'd come up with a winner in the Florida recounts. The thing is, I might have been more apt to forgive them if they'd actually revealed who the winner WAS, but, well, they didn't. At least the timing was amusing.
quote:
I'm assuming that this originated in the USA, because it never uses 'British' or 'Britain' only 'England' 'English' etc.
A very common mistake made by a lot of Americans.
Yeah, like the SCOTS are going to want to celebrate Indecisive Day!
By the way, I think we should have gone with Benjamin Franklin's suggestion to use the turkey as the American national bird, rather than going with the long-standing symbol of imperialism.
"Signature quotes are so lame." --Nathan |
| Cheeseman1000 |
Posted - 11/16/2004 : 14:29:50
They got nothing on Greek cars at any rate.
"You ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe?"
"Yes, once..." |
| darwin |
Posted - 11/16/2004 : 12:03:48
Jaguar is now owned by Ford (an American company, but the nationality of companies is pretty unclear these days). |
| mun chien andalusia |
Posted - 11/16/2004 : 05:16:13
quote:
Originally posted by darwin
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Well, at least it doesn't try to claim that British cars are any good.
there aren't any british cars anymore. the germans bought all of them.
 join the cult of errol\and you can have a beer\without having to quit smoking
|
| soundofataris |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 13:27:21
Okay, I was with you until the football thing. Don't tred on me.
---------------------------------------
I go to bakeries all day long
There's a lack of sweetness in my life
People in love are stupid and gross. |
| broken part |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 13:17:55
England IS Britain. If you know anything about the tax flow. What do the rest have? Coal, a few sheep and haggis. Bah! |
| Hatchetman |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 12:37:11
quote:
Originally posted by darwin
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Well, at least it doesn't try to claim that British cars are any good.
Or English ones 
Ade
As the air conditioner hummed.... |
| darwin |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 12:12:18
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Well, at least it doesn't try to claim that British cars are any good. |
| Cheeseman1000 |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 11:31:47
BLT! Great. We were starting to miss Ebb
"You ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe?"
"Yes, once..." |
| BLT |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 11:30:16
You learned how to copy and paste. Now go shit in your hat. |
| PixieSteve |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 10:58:30
was that made in 2000/2001? the 8th being indecisive day... may be i r being stupid but i can't see any relevance to that date this year. and i can't be arsed to check when 2000's election was. |
| Cheeseman1000 |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 10:55:01
Thats 'Briddish' to you.
"You ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe?"
"Yes, once..." |
| Hatchetman |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 10:50:52
quote:
Originally posted by Surfer Rosa
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
I'm assuming that this originated in the USA, because it never uses 'British' or 'Britain' only 'England' 'English' etc.
A very common mistake made by a lot of Americans.
A reminder: England is in Britain. It is not actually Britain.
Ade
As the air conditioner hummed.... |
| Cheeseman1000 |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 10:26:54
Do we want them back?
From today's Independent (forgive the editorial slant, it was in an opinion column):
Too much reality TV
Americans - Insular and uninterested in the wider world? Never. The CBS television channel had to apologise to viewers this week after it interrupted the conclusion of an episode of the popular crime drama Crime Scene Investigation with a piece of news from the real world.
The network broke into the end of the show to report the death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat. Scores of angry viewers telephoned CBS to complain about this brush with reality, leading CBS to apologise and blame a producer who foolishly thought people might be interested in world events. "An overly aggressive CBS News producer jumped the gun with a report that should have been offered to local stations for their late news. We sincerely regret the error," the network said in a statement.
"You ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe?"
"Yes, once..." |
| Newo |
Posted - 11/15/2004 : 09:12:09
In Buckminster Fuller's book "Critical Path", he has this to say about the 1st flag proposed for America, "In our tracing of the now completely invisible power structures it is important to note that, while the British Empire as a world government lost the American Revolution, the power structure behind it did not lose the war. The most visible of the power structure identities was the East India Company, an entirely private enterprise, whose flag as adopted by Queen Elizabeth in 1600 happened to have 13 red and white horizontal stripes with a blue rectangle in it's upper lefthand corner. The blue rectangle bore in red and white the superimposed crosses of St. Andrew and St. George. When the Boston Tea Party occurred, the colonists dressed as Indians boarded the East India Company's three ships and threw overboard their entire cargoes of high-tax tea. They also took the flag from the masthead of the largest of the "East Indiamen", the Dartmouth.
George Washington took command of the U.S. Continental Army under an elm tree in Cambridge, Mass. The flag used for that occasion was the East India Company's flag, which by pure coincidence had the 13 red and white stripes. Though it was only coincidence, most of those present thought the 13 red and white stripes did represent the thirteen American colonies--ergo, was very appropriate--but they complained about the included British flag's superimposed crosses in the blue rectangle in the top corner. George Washington conferred with Betsy Ross, after which came the thirteen white, five-pointed stars in the blue field with the 13 red and white horizontal stripes. While the british government lost the 1776 war, the East India Company's owners who constituted the invisible power structure behind the British government not only did not lose but moved right into the new U.S. economy along with the latter's most powerful landowners.
By pure chance I happened to uncover this popularly unknown episode of American history. Commissioned in 1970 by the Indian government to design new airports in Bombay, New Delhi and Madras, I was visiting the grand palace of the British fortress in Madras, where the English first established themselves in India in 1600. There I saw a picture of Queen Elizabeth I and the flag of the East India Company of 1600 A.D., with it's 13 red and white horizontal stripes and it's super- imposed crosses in the upper corner. What astonished me was that this flag (which seemed to be the American Flag) was apparantly being used in 1600 A.D., 175 years before the American Revolution. Displayed on the stairway landing wall together with the portrait of Queen Elizabeth I painted on canvas, the flag was painted on the wall itslef, as was the seal of the East India Company.
The supreme leaders of the American Revolution were of the southern type. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. Both were great landowners with direct royal grants for their lands, in contradistinction to the relatively meager individual landholdings of the individual northern Puritan colonists".
--
Moving from the clown to the jester will mean moving from similar to same, from alike to identical, from comparable to analogous. Though applied differently, the colours used on one can be used on another, and a couple of changes of costume will rapidly transform the jester into a clown and the clown into a jester. Strictly speaking, they almost duplicate each other as regards clothes and function, the only difference between them, from a social point of view, is that clowns do not usually visit the palaces of kings. |
|
|
